I stood outside her house again, and this time, I didn't ask myself why. I was there because I had fostered affection for the human, and I definitely didn't ask myself why that was. I couldn't have answered. Humans were beneath my kind, but this one was not. I needed their blood to survive, but I let this one keep most of hers. I did not understand her, or at this point, myself. I was well on my way to loving her.
She didn't seem any closer to loving me as she opened the door and accepted me with a polite nod. She led me to the usual place with efficiency and grace, but not gusto. She was beautiful in this and in any other environment, but it was a static, stoic beauty. I was certain she felt nothing for me, excepting the mild and well-hidden revulsion I did not doubt was still there.
My fangs entered her and I drank, now thoroughly starving. I had not taken my normal amount from any victim in weeks, and I felt the effects. Each time, it seemed to be less I could drink and sooner I had to stop. She had me tied around her little finger, and she strung me along with the icy impassivity of a goddess. I could not now conceive of feeding on another human- she was to be my one and only until she died, and she would surely die before I would, being human. Perhaps I could change her and she could stay with me forever… that was a pleasant notion to court, but I doubted she would appreciate the gesture. In spite of her mysterious offer to me, she did not seem affectionate toward my kind.
Maybe, then, she did feel something for me. She had never spoken of my kind in a complimentary manner, but she did not express disgust at having me in her house. She didn't really express anything else, either, and I supposed that was just her way. Of course, there were times when such a manner was highly desirable, but she never seemed to need expression of any kind. She didn't create art, didn't write poems like so many of her caste, and didn't do anything unnecessary. She was very proper and reserved, but I'd hoped to gain greater insight into her than this.
She did write in a book frequently, but I never asked what she was writing. Perhaps she did write poems, but if she did, she was very private about them. I didn't think she would want me to see what she wrote all the time, though I very much wanted to see it. I could have invaded her mind and known everything, but she seemed so sacred and unreachable that I found myself refraining from doing anything I thought would displease her.
What would it have been like if I'd met her when I was alive? Perhaps she would be able to love me if I didn't sicken her so. Perhaps I would have been able to give her a proper life as a samurai, since my shishou had brought me into that group. Would she have seen me in any better light? Would she have even noticed me?
"How could anyone fail to notice you?" She asked, smiling slightly. She didn't look like the 'fox' Sano had called her. She looked like she couldn't decide whether to be cry or to laugh. She turned her brown eyes up to me after a moment, and they were indeed sparkling with the foxish light Sano had seen. I knew then that she had decided on the more lighthearted of the possible meanings to her question: I was literally very difficult to miss, especially in a country where the vast majority of citizens had hair the color of obsidian.
I simply laughed, not mentioning the fact that many had failed to notice me to their peril. "I don't know, Megumi-dono, that I don't,"
"It's wonderful," she commented, taking a lock of my hair in her hand to indicate what was wonderful. I tolerated the gesture, and she soon removed her hand.
"That's what people tell me," I answered, less lighthearted. "Women, anyway,"
"Men are fools," she answered, not realizing how offensive that could sound in any other context. I looked down. I knew what she meant, of course, and she hadn't meant to insult me, but it was true. I knew it was true. "You are different than any other man," she finished.
"No less a fool,"
"Yes. You are less a fool than anyone,"
"There would be no way for you to understand, Megumi-dono, unless you were there. You have not seen how many have suffered because of my stupidity,"
"And what of the people who have suffered for my stupidity, or Aoshi's? Are they less important?"
"They are less in number,"
"Let me explain something to you. While I was in Kanryuu's custody, I made over fifty doses of opium a day. I was with him for five years. That makes 91, 300 doses of opium. That's a potential of almost 100, 000 people I may have killed. How many did you kill?"
"A person a night for four years. That's 1, 460, plus about fifty that I killed later when I was wandering and trying not to feed," I answered, in shock. Could Megumi have actually killed more than I had? The thought seemed impossible. "But I did it of my own free will,"
"Yes. You did it because you didn't understand the way things worked, as you have told me, correct?" She waited for me to nod. "I knew exactly what I was doing. I did not believe it was my natural right to kill those people. I did not need to do it in order to live,"
"Actually, Megumi-dono, you would have died if you had not-"
"Perhaps. I doubt Takeda would have killed me no matter what, as much as he threatened it. I was the only person who knew how to make the kind of opium I made, so he would have had to get me to teach someone else before he killed me or lose his business venture,"
"But you became a doctor, and now you can save that many lives again," I answered.
"Ken-san, how many years has it been since you killed someone?"
"One hundred twenty-seven," I answered, wondering why she asked.
"You have saved a life every night for as many years by feeding on your wife, who can bear it,"
I was impressed. I had not thought of it that way… I was saving lives by not feeding on unbound humans, and I didn't even want to attempt the math. I didn't know if it technically qualified as saving them, since merely not killing them was hardly above and beyond my duty, but I felt better hearing her say it. I didn't want to think about whether it counted or not. It was a good thought. "Thank you, Megumi-dono," I murmured.
"It was only what you could have seen if you'd looked," was the last thing she said before she left and the night ended.
In the morning, I awoke to find Kaoru and Megumi eating in the kitchen, but not speaking to one another. I had never noticed them being especially friendly. They didn't seem angry, though. Perhaps they were just tired- I had no idea what time they'd gotten up. I went to sit with them and start a conversation. They were eating pancakes, which I had never eaten.
"Good morning," I greeted them.
"Good morning," they both smiled back, taking a break from their food. It was not polite to eat in front of someone who could not have any, but they both must have known I wouldn't care. I wasn't hungry anyway.
"Go ahead," I motioned them to continue eating. "I don't care,"
"No, we don't mind. It wouldn't be polite, since you can't have any. Too bad, these things are good. Takani-san made them!"
"That's why they're good," Megumi commented.
"Are they better than the ones you make, Kaoru-dono?"
"Well…" she started to tighten her fists a bit, but relaxed after a moment. "Yes,"
"May I try some?" I asked. I usually didn't eat human food, since it tasted horrible, but if this was better, maybe it wasn't that I didn't like human food, maybe it was just the way it had been cooked. Megumi started to protest, but Kaoru gave me a bite, assuming Megumi would want to do so as well. I guessed it was a little better, but…
"Thank you, Kaoru-dono," I said after I'd swallowed the offending morsel.
"I knew you wouldn't like it," Megumi said, but she didn't seem offended. She sounded more like the voice of reason. "Vampires are not meant to eat human food. It's just not natural,"
"You're just saying that because he doesn't like your cooking," Kaoru countered complacently.
"He doesn't like yours, either,"
"How do you know that? My cooking is just fine!"
"Please calm down, I didn't mean to start a fight, that I didn't!" I admonished, rather embarrassed.
Kaoru settled primly and said, "I'm perfectly calm. Takani-san just can't accept that her cooking isn't as good as she thinks it is,"
Megumi decided to be mature and leave that one alone. I left the table, hoping that without my presence, they might have less to fight about. I wondered if they really disliked each other or if… maybe Kaoru was jealous. I could not speak for her, but I knew it bothered me that I had to feed on Megumi instead of Kaoru. Maybe she was letting it bother her more than she should have. She had always been somewhat territorial, especially when other women were around, and maybe this bothered her more than I'd known.
I'd have to try to ease the strain on her, then. She didn't really see Megumi and me together very often, but maybe it would help if all three of us were together more. That way she could see that while Megumi was a nice woman, I didn't feel for her even an ounce of what I felt for Kaoru. She had been there for me for over one hundred twenty-five years, and had never once condemned me or given the impression she was disappointed with me. Se could see me simply as a man, not Battousai, not a vampire, and not even a hero, like Megumi seemed to see.
I had to admit, it would have been easy to let Megumi feed my ego and listen to her assertions that I was not such a horrid thing as I imagined, but that would not have been real. I knew I was a sinner, and so did Kaoru. She did not attempt to convince me that it was not so, but maintained that she did not care. Any time Megumi told me I was no worse than she was, I knew it was a lie, albeit a lie that she believed. I supposed her guilt made her seem to herself the way that I seemed to myself: odious. I knew, however, that in my case, it was true.
Kaoru was too pure to lie to me. She knew and did not care. She was not in denial, as Megumi seemed to be. She was perfectly aware of everything I'd gone through, and stayed on of her own free will. She would not wake up someday and realize the truth, and then be so frightened by it that she would leave in the day never to be seen again. She was an open book, fiercely independent, and steady as the rain, and I loved her.
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Lady Battousai: i'm not sure if you did it intentionally, but i believe you spelled 'Battousai' wrong. there is a u there. i don't know, maybe your spelling is also acceptable. anyway, thought i'd point it out. glad you like the last line. if it gives you a good feeling, it's probably because if you're a fan of Bakumatsu Kenshin, you're probably a fan of tomoe, and who isn't a fan of kaoru, and i made them both look good at the same time! i love both of them, can you tell?
PraiseDivineMercy: glad you like that line, so do i and apparently, so do a lot of other people. it gave me a beautiful image of a bridge over the river i live near at night. sorry it was confusing- i looked back and i agree with you, but i'm not going to clarify because i presume you get it after reading the rest. yes, Kenshin will always resist megumi's flirting, because he adores kaoru. megumi knows this, and she knows she can't have him, but flirting takes some of the hurt away, ne? i love both tomoe and kaoru, so i can't make one look bad and the other good… besides, i think it's more realistic to have him still loving both of them, because tomoe had a special place and will never be replaced, though he loves kaoru equally. they're so different, you really can't compare and say he loves one more than the other.
CowGirl4Ever: i like long fics, too. i hate it when you've just gotten attached and then it's over. glad you like the fic and vamps. i generally update on schedule, but occasionally i miss a day. i promise never to quit a fic that i've already started posting. i hate it when they don't update on any regular basis, because then you never know whether they've quit or are just not finished with the chapter.
Cattibrie393: I don't know anything about opium, but the people buying it may not have been vampires, just the people selling it, though Kanryuu's actually human. you bring up a good point that she had to have guards in the day, but she had to sleep sometime, too. maybe they trusted locks for a few hours, or maybe Kanryuu did it himself, since he was the only human around except her. lots of ppl like the last line… so do i, and it sticks in my head a lot.
Yuhi-thedoerofevildeeds: thank you!
Forbidden Dream: yes, Sano does tend to be delightfully dim at times. cameras, yes, and trains… and the comments about Kaoru's cooking don't always cause HIM pain, cause one time he picked up Kenshin and used him as a shield… it was pretty funny, unless you're Kenshin…
Kenshin: I am Kenshin!
Me: well, yes you are. i guess you didn't find it funny?
Kenshin: it hurt, that it did! besides, Miss Kaoru's cooking is not so bad…
Anyhoo… well, as i said, you can't really blame megumi. she does know she can't have him, but flirting takes some of the hurt away. you can't have TOO much of a grudge against tomoe, because if she had never married him, he would not have realized that killing was bad and would never have become the rurouni he was for kaoru to fall in love with! glad to see you think i have a *mob* of fans… well, this fic is faring better than any others i've done
Invader Zimo: you don't *have* do update on schedule… you don't even have to have fics to have an account. you can just read all the stuff on your favs list and leave signed reviews until you're ready to write! besides, you can set it not to show your email addy. Sano and meg are going to get into it, i think. i like puppies, too (who doesn't?) but i also like cows! i recently moved to a rural area, so i get to see them all the time now.