A/N: ok I should warn you right now this is not a happy fic. Character death ahead and believe me I didn't wanna do it, not really but it's been in my head for a while now and I had to get it out. What can I say? My muse is evil.
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I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all of my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Because your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
I thought it would. I mean everyone told me the same thing and for a while the thought that the pain would fade was all that pushed me from sunrise to sunset, but it didn't exactly work that way. If anything it got worse. So much worse. I can still feel you here, lingering in every corner, hidden in every shadow. I walk into a room and expect you to be there, greeting me with your usual smile and now you never are and never will be again, and suddenly I'm afraid of the dark because when it gets dark its so much harder to know that you aren't by my side. Harder to tell your not about to hold me and chase away all the monsters and its harder to wake up, to come out of the dark, but it makes me bleed to stay there.
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
Everyone says that don't they? That time heals all wounds. It's not true. It's been years and I'm still as raw and aching as I was on the day I realised you were gone. Really gone, and it seemed like such a silly stupid little thing. You were supposed to be Immortal. My immortal. Iron was something that I, mortal and human as I was, took for granted. I never thought such a simple thing would take you away. A well aimed shard of iron and that was all. Tiny. Insignificant. It broke me too.
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I've held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
Though more often than not it was you who wiped away my tears, but every once in a while you would cry too. Like that night when I brought our first an only child into the world and no-one, not even me, was sure I would survive and it was late, long after I had given birth to our daughter (who was and is perfect and radiant and just like her father) but I was weak and tired from blood loss and you had already banished the physician who had been as grim as the spectre of death himself and you held my hand, thinking your were loosing me and blaming yourself and somehow I found the strength to lift my hand and brush away the tears. You pressed my hand to your lips murmuring that it was going to be ok and it was, because you gave me the strength to fight, to come back. You were my whole world, my reason for living and it seems so unfair that the same strength of will wasn't enough to stop the light from dimming in your eyes while I held you, screaming in impotent rage and grief while the entire court looked on, as helpless as I was. All those years I'd chase back your fears whatever form they took, be it worries over your kingdom or something as simple as a nightmare which even you suffered from and I wasn't strong enough to fight back the thing that killed you. It killed me too.
You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
But now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Do you know how much I wanted to follow you into the shadowy realm of death? Do you know how much I just wanted the pain to end? It could never be though. I had a daughter and a kingdom now, and with those things came responsibility. Bondage that tied me to life when all I wanted to do was give up and follow you. I'd give anything just to have you hold me again. Even with our daughter smiling up at me from my knee with your eyes, part of me still wants to follow you, but she has a world of responsibility coming for her too. She will be the Goblin Queen all too soon and I am her mother and I cannot and will not leave her to face it all alone.
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me
How often do I dream of you? I've lost count of the nights where the sound of you name being torn from my lips has awoken me and I reach out for you. All these years and I still reach out for you and you are never there, and I cried alone in the dark. I need your touch and the sound of your voice. I haven't been whole without them.
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you finally won me, and I admitted I loved you and said I'd marry you, you swore to me you would always be here for me. You lied. I know you didn't mean to, and I know it's unfair to even begin to think you left me on purpose but I miss you so much. Some days I marvel that my skin is not covered in bruises and open wounds. Anything that hurts this much should show, right?
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I've held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
All of me. You took it into your tomb with you and now I rule in your place. A living corpse in exchange for the one they buried, but you taught me well and they barely know. They know that I loved you, and love you still and they know my heart is broken, but they haven't realised yet that I'm dead inside and they may as well have shut me up in that tomb beside you.
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
And though you're still with me
I've been alone all along
Again and again I told myself and I still don't believe. I'm still half hoping you're around the next corner. What does immortal mean if you could be snatched away as easily as anyone else. I don't know what's worse. The fact that death took you away or the fact that I don't believe it because I still feel you here, but no amount of believing changes that fact that your gone and even here, in your realm, no amount of wishing will bring you back. I know. I've tried.