THERE WAS NO OTHER WAY
PROLOGUE: Winter
It's difficult for me to write of this, difficult even to think of this, and I don't think I've even now realized how much this war has taken its toll on me. How much of this war is my war.
I never wanted to fight. Never wanted to kill. I never – really – hated anyone. Not in all my life. I could pretend, I could convince myself, I could unlearn my loyalty, but I could never hate with my heart, never with my spirit. That was my weakness, my greatest flaw. I couldn't feel enough.
Why was I put in Gryffindor? Why not Slytherin? The truth is that none of the Houses really fit me. I'm not brave. I'm sure as Salazar not loyal. I'm not smart. And when I was a boy, my only ambition was to learn a few spells, to convince my father I wasn't worthless.
Remus was the other half-blood in our year. James and Sirius were so fully pureblooded that it was difficult to match up. And Sirius, at first, was so headstrong...at first? What am I talking about? He was headstrong until the day he died. The day I killed him.
That is an arguable point. I didn't kill him like I killed Lily and James, I didn't intend for him to die, but I...I was responsible. I was at fault, yes. Because I brought Him back. I caused it all to happen.
Why did I have to be so perverse? Why was I loyal to that twisted mockery of a man instead of the friends I had always had? James and Sirius teased me sometimes because they were brilliant and I was not but that was not why I killed them. Why did I do it?
I would not – could not – kill Remus. That is not repayment of any debt, that is just simply because I loved him so much. My brother...and because of him, I lived. I owed Harry a debt, he spoke of it, Dumbledore did as well, they all spoke of it – but that debt was not Remus' life. Remus' life was different. He had nothing to do with it. I cheated my way out of that debt.
I killed them because – because I am a coward. I killed them because the Sorting Hat was wrong. I killed them because I was jealous of them, for being so perfect, because if I had been them I would never have been friends with a pitiful little rat. They have always been better people than me. Why couldn't I be as moral? Why couldn't I be better at something?
I killed them because I had to, to make myself righteous. I had to do something good. To prove to Our Lord that I was worth something. I killed them because there was no other way.
What does it matter now? He is dead now, and I no more righteous than before.
Now, my damnation is complete.
But as my spirit crumbles, I will find my truth.
I must.
PROLOGUE: Winter
It's difficult for me to write of this, difficult even to think of this, and I don't think I've even now realized how much this war has taken its toll on me. How much of this war is my war.
I never wanted to fight. Never wanted to kill. I never – really – hated anyone. Not in all my life. I could pretend, I could convince myself, I could unlearn my loyalty, but I could never hate with my heart, never with my spirit. That was my weakness, my greatest flaw. I couldn't feel enough.
Why was I put in Gryffindor? Why not Slytherin? The truth is that none of the Houses really fit me. I'm not brave. I'm sure as Salazar not loyal. I'm not smart. And when I was a boy, my only ambition was to learn a few spells, to convince my father I wasn't worthless.
Remus was the other half-blood in our year. James and Sirius were so fully pureblooded that it was difficult to match up. And Sirius, at first, was so headstrong...at first? What am I talking about? He was headstrong until the day he died. The day I killed him.
That is an arguable point. I didn't kill him like I killed Lily and James, I didn't intend for him to die, but I...I was responsible. I was at fault, yes. Because I brought Him back. I caused it all to happen.
Why did I have to be so perverse? Why was I loyal to that twisted mockery of a man instead of the friends I had always had? James and Sirius teased me sometimes because they were brilliant and I was not but that was not why I killed them. Why did I do it?
I would not – could not – kill Remus. That is not repayment of any debt, that is just simply because I loved him so much. My brother...and because of him, I lived. I owed Harry a debt, he spoke of it, Dumbledore did as well, they all spoke of it – but that debt was not Remus' life. Remus' life was different. He had nothing to do with it. I cheated my way out of that debt.
I killed them because – because I am a coward. I killed them because the Sorting Hat was wrong. I killed them because I was jealous of them, for being so perfect, because if I had been them I would never have been friends with a pitiful little rat. They have always been better people than me. Why couldn't I be as moral? Why couldn't I be better at something?
I killed them because I had to, to make myself righteous. I had to do something good. To prove to Our Lord that I was worth something. I killed them because there was no other way.
What does it matter now? He is dead now, and I no more righteous than before.
Now, my damnation is complete.
But as my spirit crumbles, I will find my truth.
I must.