It's cold.
I can hear the thunder outside. The lightning flashes across the sky as the rain beats down. My mother's aunt in making a racket in her frame. There's a fire blazing in the hearth.
But I'm still cold.
I don't know if I can ever feel warm again.
A mirror is leaned up against the back of the door. I can see my ..... no, the reflection. Dark hair falls into gray eyes that are so familiar it hurts. I try to smile, but ...... it's too painful.
I'm doing this for him.
For the nights we're together. The passionate kissing, the closeness as our bodies are entwined in sheer bliss. I want to laugh and cry and scream at the same time .....
And then the morning comes.
We act as though nothing has happened.
Sure, we joke and tease each other. We sit and talk about what we want our futures to be like after the War. After Voldemort is defeated. It seems so far off. I've always wanted a big family, the one I never got when I was a child. Maybe, he's my chance to have one.
But in these talks, he never mentions me.
I'm not a part of his future.
It's more than I can stand.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
It's night again. I love the night.
My lover is pressed into my back as lie on the bed together, once more just happy to be here. I can feel his steady breathing, his lips near my ears.
"I love you, Remus Lupin," I whisper.
I long for him to answer. I dream of the day that he'll open his mouth and utter the words that would pull me into heaven.
I love you, Nymphadora Tonks.
But they do not come.
"I love you, Sirius Black," he says. "I always will."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The face comes in clearer, bearing into my soul. I meet the cold eyes of my cousin.
I change for him.
I don't know why he deludes himself. Why, night after night, he can forget that Sirius is dead. And he isn't coming back. I can't even begin to guess how he explains it to himself: if he forgets that the man he loves is gone, if he thinks he's making love to an angel, that their love was something even death can't conquer.
It's very romantic. Like Romeo and Juliet.
Too bad it's not that simple.
I don't even think he knows it's me.
I change back to my true self. The eyes stay the same.
"I love you, Remus Lupin. I love you."
Sometimes I wish it was me who had died that night.
At least he would be happy.
But for now I'll settle with becoming my reflection.
"I love you."
I can hear the thunder outside. The lightning flashes across the sky as the rain beats down. My mother's aunt in making a racket in her frame. There's a fire blazing in the hearth.
But I'm still cold.
I don't know if I can ever feel warm again.
A mirror is leaned up against the back of the door. I can see my ..... no, the reflection. Dark hair falls into gray eyes that are so familiar it hurts. I try to smile, but ...... it's too painful.
I'm doing this for him.
For the nights we're together. The passionate kissing, the closeness as our bodies are entwined in sheer bliss. I want to laugh and cry and scream at the same time .....
And then the morning comes.
We act as though nothing has happened.
Sure, we joke and tease each other. We sit and talk about what we want our futures to be like after the War. After Voldemort is defeated. It seems so far off. I've always wanted a big family, the one I never got when I was a child. Maybe, he's my chance to have one.
But in these talks, he never mentions me.
I'm not a part of his future.
It's more than I can stand.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
It's night again. I love the night.
My lover is pressed into my back as lie on the bed together, once more just happy to be here. I can feel his steady breathing, his lips near my ears.
"I love you, Remus Lupin," I whisper.
I long for him to answer. I dream of the day that he'll open his mouth and utter the words that would pull me into heaven.
I love you, Nymphadora Tonks.
But they do not come.
"I love you, Sirius Black," he says. "I always will."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The face comes in clearer, bearing into my soul. I meet the cold eyes of my cousin.
I change for him.
I don't know why he deludes himself. Why, night after night, he can forget that Sirius is dead. And he isn't coming back. I can't even begin to guess how he explains it to himself: if he forgets that the man he loves is gone, if he thinks he's making love to an angel, that their love was something even death can't conquer.
It's very romantic. Like Romeo and Juliet.
Too bad it's not that simple.
I don't even think he knows it's me.
I change back to my true self. The eyes stay the same.
"I love you, Remus Lupin. I love you."
Sometimes I wish it was me who had died that night.
At least he would be happy.
But for now I'll settle with becoming my reflection.
"I love you."