A Mega Christmas Carol!
A Note from the Author:
Everyone seems to like the idea of "Christmas in July", and my funny bone
was aching--ow, there it goes again--so I decided after a freak accident
involving my head and a 25-pound cinder block that I would do this story (I'd
rather not say much more about that incident, though; the details are a little
messy). However, after much consideration (plus the bad rash that my head
developed while in that cast), I felt I was ready to give another funny
Megaman Christmas story a go. If you're wondering why I'm using the
classic "A Christmas Carol" story by Charles Dickens to build on, don't. The
fumes from the cast plaster does things to your mind you can't (and probably
would rather not) imagine. Let's just say I know what the little fuschia men
from Planet Guygrar eat for breakfast, okay? ... ...Where was I? Oh, the
story! As always, I come into this endeavor with little forethought, allowing
for maximum comedic effect for jokes. Basically, as with most of my
humorous material, I'm improvising as I go along, and then it will be topped
off with a final edit. Simmer down, O teeming masses. The story begins now.
* * *
As you all well know, Megaman and everything related is owned by Capcom and not myself. A shame...
Ebenezer Scrooge and all other characters belong to Charles Dickens and...I dunno, whoever his publisher was.
This story is a production of rukasu ritings 2002.
Authored by L. A. Bell, "Rukasu Blackhart".
* * *
The story opens onto Scrooge and Marley's office. Jacob Marley is long since dead, leaving his partner Ebenezer Scrooge to run the business. Inside the office, we find Ebenezer Scrooge (played by Dr. Wily) sitting proudly behind his desk, counting money like the tight-fisted, two-faced, greedy miser he is.
Wily: Hey, easy on me! I may be an evil genius, but I still have feelings, you know!
Yeah...that reminds me...why are you doing this again?
Wily: They said a little community service could help get me out of prison sooner.
Why? So you can just get out and launch another lame attack on Megaman and the world?
Wily: Of course not, dear boy. (Smiles evilly) MWA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAHH!!!
Right. Anyway. Over in the next room, we have the poor accountant Bob Cratchit (played by Dr. Light), Scrooge's only employee. While Wily sits in the next room, cozy and warm, Light is chattering himself to death against the intense cold of December.
Light: (teeth chattering) I-I-I'm ch-chattering mys...elf to d-d-death aga against the intense c-c-c-cold of Dece...Dece... (Sneezes loudly, his beard puffing outward a few feet, then returning to its original shape.) ...December. Wily, you megalomaniacal freak! I need a load of coal here so I can keep working! It's too {expletive removed} cold in here to do any {expletive removed} work! Get me a {expletive removed} load of coal so I can do some {expletive removed} work or I will so {expletive removed} {expletive removed} {expletive removed} {expletive removed} get Megaman to {expletive removed} attack you and your little {expletive removed} robots again. Don't {expletive removed} think I won't.
Wily: Geez-it, Light! We may have young readers!
Light: Don't {expletive removed} worry about that. The author has a {expletive removed} button that takes every {expletive removed} word out of whatever I {expletive removed} say.
Wily: Hey, that's pretty cool. Let me try that! What should I say?
Light: (rolling his eyes) Never mind. Just get me some coal, will you? It's frickin' freezing in here!
Wily: No.
Light: No?!
Wily: I'm a miser. Saying no to charity is what I do.
Light: ...And you're protected by the prison. You have bodyguards, and yet, you're supposed to be in jail. You're a convicted felon, for crying out loud!
Wily (beaming proudly): Isn't the system wonderful?
Light: {expletive removed} the system. I WANT MY {expletive removed} COAL!!
Wily: My, you've become quite the sailor, haven't you?
Light: I'm just disgruntled. Little kids have still been making fun of me, calling me Santa.
Wily: Oh, poor baby.
Light: {expletive removed} you, Wily!
All I can say is, I'm glad this story is on a one-page tape delay. I have a feeling more of this button is going to come into play later. By the way, I think it's appropriate at this point to leave Wily and Light to argue about their {expletive removed} coal... Aw {expletive removed}, now I'm doing it! Anyway, let's just move on to midnight at Scrooge's place. {expletive removed}...
Outside Scrooge's house. Toilet paper is seen flying from the trees in his yard and from the roof and weathervane atop his house. Loud, deep bass music can be heard...wait a second, that's not how the story went! What the {expletive removed}'s goin' on here?!
Inside, Robot Masters and random chicks are milling around, drinking themselves all to high heaven. Bass is on his back under a keg, slurping at the tap as a group of robots chants "Go! Go! Go! Go!" (Bass is gonna be one pickled fish! ^_^) Tengu Man and Cut Man are standing at a window, betting which of them can fly better, and Wily himself is covered in gold chains and surrounded by a group of saucy black girls who are feeding him grapes and fanning him.
Wily: (sighs) Just call me Heff.
Okay, I can deal with deviation from the story, 'cause that's what the whole {expletive removed} thing's about, but this is just...
Wily: Superbly cool?
I was going to say 'a dream,' but think whatever you want.
Wily: A dream?! NO!!!!!!!!!!
He wakes up realizing, as the cruel author has just told him, that it had all been just a dream to begin with.
Wily: ... ...You {expletive removed}.
Just then, a ghostly form wearing what look to be heavy chains appears in the middle of Scrooge's bedroom, just as the clock chimes midnight.
Wily: Who--who are you?
The ghost (also played by Dr. Light) moves his head slightly and drags a chain to one side, flinging it at Scrooge's feet.
Light: In life, I was your partner, Jacob Marley. Since my passing, I have had to carry these huge chains you see before you. I forged each link of these chains with my greed in life, Ebenezer.
Wily: You know, you look somehow familiar...other than being my old partner...you remind me of someone else...
Light: I don't know what you mean. Anyway, stop interrupting me. This is important, get it? Greed equals chains you have to carry around for all eternity. Clear?
Wily: Clearer than the shot glass I must have used in drinking the stuff that's making me hallucinate you.
Light: I'm not an illusion, you idiot! Listen, three more apparitions will appear to you tonight, the first at one, the second at two, and the third at three. Each will discuss with you the subject of your greed and how to best curve it. Once I got to the afterlife, I softened up a little bit, and thought I'd send them back to help you out. Just don't blow this chance, Ebenezer.
Wily: They're all going to be ghosts? Why couldn't you have just sent people?
Light: Not flashy enough. I must go now. I'm needed back at the Department of Eternal Chain-Dragging. Was there anything else you needed to ask me?
Wily: Not really...but you still seem so familiar...
Light: It was good seeing you again, Ebenezer. Now I'm going to go back to...I don't know, beating up that wimpy Casper kid. Oh, and by the way, give your buddy Dr. Light some coal, for {expletive removed}'s sake! He sits in that {expletive removed} cold office all day doing the work YOU should be doing while you count money. Think about that too. Please. I--I mean he--needs some coal. Badly. ... ...G'bye!
Marley vanishes quickly, muttering something to the effect of "you {expletive removed} idiot!" to himself.
Wily: You know what? I've got an hour before that first ghost gets here...maybe I'll whip up an evil robot man or three to take care of him! I like being greedy!
Wily sets himself to work on building three robot men, each with its own weird and strange theme or ability. An hour later:
Wily: Ha! Here...three of the most powerful and frightening robots ever to walk the face of the earth!
Three robots are shown. The first Is very tall and skinny, and he's wearing a red-and-white striped jumpsuit.
Wily: I give you...Candy Cane Man! Armed with his sugar-charged candy canes, he can give any man tooth decay in three quarters of a second!
The second robot stands up to his full height of about eight feet. He shakes himself a little bit, and pine needles fall everywhere.
Wily: Christmas-Tree Man! He can shoot volleys of pine needles at a target a mile away and still hit it, as well as causing lots of annoyance when you try to stick him in one of those tree-holders!
The third robot, rather small, squawks and Wily giggles with glee.
Wily: And my final creation...Resurrected Leftover Thanksgiving Turkey Man! He can paralyze any living thing in seconds with his horrible stench or his sonic gobbling noise, and his iron beak can peck diamonds to dust! (Sniffs) It's all so...so {expletive removed} beautiful...
One o'clock is heard chiming from Wily's bedside clock.
Wily: And right on schedule! All right, now, find somewhere to hide! I'll call you if I need you!
The three robots comply and all try to cram themselves under Wily's bed. The bed is a little lumpy, but Wily does his best to pound it down as he jumps back in the sack. The first ghost appears in the center of Wily's room just as he pulls up the covers. At first, the ghost looks to be nothing more than an enormous cloak, but it is opened and the ghost's true form is revealed!
Wily: You--you're...
Ghost: The Ghost of Christmas Past [played by an 8-bit sprite of Megaman]!
Wily: I'm not nearly as frightened of you as I used to be, somehow...
Megaman: I don't know what you're talking about! Wily, are you ready to see the account of Christmases past?
Wily: Oh, I guess so. Oh, but first...can you do me a favor?
Megaman: Um, I guess so.
Wily: Turn around.
Megaman (turns around): Oh, I know this one! You're gonna do a magic trick, right?
Wily: Something like that. One second...
Wily fishes Candy-Cane Man out from under the bed and shoves him forward to face Megaman.
Wily: Ha! Eat this, Megaman!
Megaman (turns back around): Huh?
Candy-Cane Man runs into Megaman and leaves a red-and-white striped design on his face. A little box appears in the corner of the room and fills with yellow stripes. Megaman and Candy-Cane Man both look at it, look back at each other, shrug, and then rush toward each other again.
Candy-Cane Man: I'll use my hook attack on you!
He grows a candy-cane hook from one of his hands and grabs Megaman around the head with it, slamming him into the wall. Candy-Cane Man pulls off Megaman's helmet and licks his own skin, making it sticky. Using the sticky candy, he picks Megaman up by his poorly-animated hair and throws him into the wall again.
Candy-Cane Man: Oh, I'm bad! Oh yeah!
Megaman gets to his feet, turning red and orange quickly.
Megaman: Wave Burner!
Using the flamethrower-like attack, he melts Candy-Cane Man to a puddle of sugary ooze.
Megaman: Wily!
Wily: AAH!
Megaman: I'm going to do what I should have done when this kind of spriting was still cool!
He charges up his Mega Buster, glowing eerily as he walks toward the cowering doctor.
Megaman: I'll kill you!
Just then, Megaman shakes uncontrollably, change flying from his pockets and his cloak sliding down to the floor.
Megaman: {expletive removed} {expletive removed} {expletive removed} {expletive removed} {expletive removed} it all to {expletive removed}!!
He taps a button that opens a hidden panel, where his beeper is concealed.
Megaman: I've GOT to remember to take that thing off Vibrate... (Turns to Wily) I would deal with you now, but I'm needed back at the Christmasy Archive thing... Another day, Wily!
Wily: What about my tour of Christmases past?
Megaman: What about it? If you want help maybe you should stop attacking your houseguests. There's a crazy thought.
He vanishes.
Wily: Well, {expletive removed}.
Just then, the clock strikes two.
Wily: Already? Take it easy, Blackhart!
Do you really want to go through another forty-five minutes or so without anything happening?
Wily: Hardly the point. {Naughty sexual word removed} me.
You'd enjoy that, wouldn't you?
Wily: ... ... ...Dirty {expletive removed}...
Anyway, the clock strikes two, and the second ghost appears in the middle of the room. A great white light fades to blue, then shapes itself into the form of the Ghost of Christmas Present (played by MegaMan.EXE).
Wily: I'm not even going to ask how you're existing in the physical world.
EXE: Don't. It's complicated.
Wily: Right, then.
EXE: So how 'bout it? Ready to see what Christmas is like for some people?
Wily: This isn't going to choke me all up or anything, is it?
EXE: I'm not promising anything. You'll just have to find out for yourself. But...you will get to fly!
Wily: Woo! Lets go!
He reaches under the bed and fumbles with Christmas-Tree Man, flicking a switch and folding him up like an umbrella. He carries it under his arm, so that MegaMan doesn't suspect anything.
EXE: What do you need that umbrella for?
Wily: Just in case a freak storm pops up.
EXE: We're in the middle of a snow, you idiot!
Wily: (protesting) Something could happen!
MegaMan rolls his eyes and holds out his hand.
EXE: C'mon, let's get this over with.
Wily (softly): Stupid {expletive removed}...
EXE: What?
Wily: Um...ur... I said "I hope I get a new bid on my brother-chucker." I made an invention you can toss annoying siblings around with and put it up for sale on eBay. Been watching the auction for days now.
MegaMan looks at him skeptically, but shakes his head and takes Wily's hand. Kicking open the large bay window, MegaMan calls out.
EXE: Air Shoes!!
A blue light runs down MegaMan's body, and he steps off the windowsill and into the air. Wily follows and drops down immediately, clinging desperately to MegaMan's leg.
Wily: Holy {expletive removed} {expletive removed} {expletive removed} {expletive removed} {expletive removed}!!!
EXE: Just hang on! We'll be there in no time!
Wily grumbles, but hangs on. MegaMan runs halfway across the town, finally walking down the air like stairs at a poor side of town. Wily drops off MegaMan's leg and catches his breath, then gets to his feet and asks:
Wily: Where in {expletive removed} are we?
EXE: Don't you recognize the house of your employee Bob Cratchit?
Wily: This dump is Cratchit's? Geez, I pay him at least enough to get an apartment...wonder what he does with that money, living in this run down hovel.
EXE: He has a family to feed, you know. He can barely afford a quart of oil a week for his children.
Wily: Oh, now I remember this place! Me and Guts Man T.P.'d this place a few months ago, and put a paper bag full of flaming dog {expletive removed} on his doorstep...it was hilarious!
MegaMan just stares at Wily.
Wily: What?
EXE: I dunno...somehow, I just thought with all the money you have, you'd be doing something a little more...rich...
Wily: What are we here for, anyway?
EXE: Look inside.
Wily: Oh, what could it hurt? (Looks in the window)
Inside, Bob is sitting at the dinner table, waiting for a meal, it seems. Mega Man walks in on a crutch, takes a cup from his place at the table, and goes into the kitchen. Duo lumbers down the hall and into the dining room, sitting carefully in the chair across from Dr. Light. He smiles at Light, then after a long uncomfortable silence, gets up and heads into the kitchen as well.
Wily: I'm not seeing the point here just yet.
EXE: Keep watching.
Roll walks out of the kitchen now, holding a big black roast pan that's steaming. Mega Man and Duo follow closely behind her and reclaim their places at the table. Roll sets the pan on the table, and hands a huge carving knife to Bob.
Wily: So what's for dinner?
EXE: Would you {expletive removed} shut up and watch?
Light opens the steaming pan and picks up the contents, placing them on his plate. He then begins carving up the food: a huge chunk of Spam.
Wily: Geez, they are in deep!
EXE: You see now why your compassion would mean worlds to them?
Wily: I guess.
A few minutes into the meal, a strange whistling noise is heard, then Protoman teleports in, destroying the ceiling. Sitting in an empty spot, he wolfs down half the chunk of Spam, burps, and teleports away.
After a few minutes, everyone else finishes their Spam. Roll and Bob head out of the room. Mega Man leans back in his chair and relaxes. Duo walks over, touches his hand to Mega's chest, and frowns.
Duo: This is not good. He will die soon. He has absorbed too much of the evil energy.
Wily: What's that mean?
EXE: Not sure. What I do know is that Mega Man probably won't make it to his next Christmas unless someone does something about that leg of his.
Wily: And I care about this...why?
EXE: Because if you don't, I have the authority to blast you.
Wily: Fair enough. Say, could you hold this for a second? I wanna go get a second look at that Roll girl.
EXE: Pervert. But, yeah, I guess I'll hold it anyway.
Wily: Thanks. (Softly) ...fool!
He walks away, chuckling evilly.
EXE: I hate it when he walks away, chuckling evilly. Especially after saying "fool!" Usually means something's up.
The umbrella pops open with a flurry of pine needles, kind of a shrapnel effect. MegaMan is hit with a few, but they bounce off harmlessly.
EXE: Oh good. What's this?
Christmas-Tree Man: Tremble in your coal-filled stockings, blue Navi-type thing! I am Christmas-Tree Man!
EXE: Riiiiiiiiight..... So what are you gonna do to me? Annoy me with burnt out lights?
Christmas-Tree Man fires a barrage of pine needles into MegaMan. They all hit and stick pretty easily...to the cloak MegaMan was wearing.
EXE: This is gonna be almost too easy... (Cracks his knuckles.) Air Man!!
Air Man appears next to MegaMan.
Air Man: You rang?
EXE: You said you owed me a favor, right? Hold on for a sec.
He walks over, grabs Christmas-Tree Man by the feet, and folds him up into his umbrella form. Opening him up, he ties Christmas-Tree Man's legs to Air Man's chest fan.
EXE: (To Air Man) Go ahead.
Air Man activates his chest fan, blowing Christmas-Tree Man easily inside out. As the fan increases speed, Christmas-Tree Man is separated from his legs and he flies off into the night.
EXE: That was easy.
Air Man: Maybe we can do it again sometime.
EXE: Next time Wily makes an umbrella-shaped robot, consider yourself summoned.
Air Man: Thanks. Wanna go to the singles bar on Tuesday?
EXE: Eggnog's where it's at. Sure, I'll come.
Air Man: See ya later, then.
EXE: Later!
They both disappear.
Wily: Wait! What about me? ... I guess I'm walkin'. {expletive removed}.
He walks back to his house, falls asleep, and is awakened when he begins being lifted from his bed.
Wily: What the...?
He looks down to see the third ghost in a black cloak, every part of him obscured, save for a huge blue arm controlling Wily's levitation.
Ghost: Albert Wily...
Wily: Who're you? Don't I know you?
Ghost: Nope. I am the Ghost of Christmas Future!
Wily: You gonna leave that cloak on the whole time?
Ghost (Sigma): Planned to, yeah. Cold blue eyes flash from the hood. The scars that Wily can see on Sigma's face also seem to glow darkly. Problem with that? Waves his green energy scythe menacingly.
Wily: Hey, no problem! Just put me down, will ya? I just had this collar pressed the other day!
Sigma: Eh, sure. Why not?
He sets Wily back on the bed. Standing up, he's still as tall as Wily on the bed. Wily looks genuinely nervous for once during this whole damn fic, and crosses his arms.
Wily: I swear I feel like I know you...
Sigma: You planning on siccing that stupid Turkey thing on me?
Wily: H...how'd you...?
Sigma: I'm the Ghost of Christmas Future, remember? I can see the future, Nimrod.
Wily: Oh. Well, you look too buff to take on my robot anyway...oh well, just some more leftovers.
Sigma: That was a horrible joke, you know.
Wily: Damn author made me do it. Stupid {expletive removed}...
Sigma: So you ready for your next trip? Seeing your Christmas future?
Wily: Will you wait if I say no?
Sigma: No.
Wily: Right then. Let's go.
Sigma: Done and done.
He sweeps his cloak around himself and Wily, and they disappear from the bedroom, reappearing in a rowdy bar.
Wily: Sweet! This is my Christmas future?
Sigma: Huh? Oh, no, this is just my favorite bar. Wanted a margarita for the road. You know. Your future's nothing like this, Wily. C'mon, tell me you saw that coming.
Wily: I have read the book, you know. I know I end up in a coffin with everyone saying horrible things about me.
Sigma: Oh, well, there goes that surprise. Care to get blind stinking drunk?
Wily: Don't mind if I do. Hardest whiskey you got, barkeep.
Later...
Wily: I love you, man!
Sigma: I love you too! ...But not in the freaky, prison-inmate way.
Wily: I know a good drinking song or two...
Sigma: Save it. I can't carry a tune when I'm drunk. Voice sounds like a damn cat filled with helium.
Wily: Oh, well. Say, think you're drunk enough now that you'd be a match for the Turkey-bot?
Sigma: I'll try anything once when I'm smashed. Bring it--hic--on!
Wily: Right-o.
Wily releases Leftover Thanksgiving Turkey Man, and Sigma and the Turkey go at it, until Sigma finally has a firm grip around the Turkey's neck.
Wily: Nooooo! You mustn't kill him! There'll be no sandwich meat left for weeks!
Sigma: Author again?
Wily: Yeah, corny bastard.
Sigma: I'm killing the thing anyway. It's just plain disturbing.
Wily: No!
Wily pulls out a Norton Antivirus disc and slips it into a port on Sigma's side as he continues to choke the Turkey. (Wow, I didn't realize how dirty that sounded!) Anyway, the antivirus uploads automatically into Sigma, and he starts freaking out. He drops Turkey Man.
Sigma: What...what did yuo doo 2 meh?!!1!
Wily: Antivirus, baby. Suck on that!
Sigma: Curse j00, Wily, j00 ph00!...by destroiying meh, j00'l d!5R|_|P+ the phy00ch|_|r!!11!1!
Wily: I didn't get any of what you just said, but hey, you're dying, so I guess it shouldn't matter. Go, Turkey Man!
Turkey Man pecks at multiple spots on Sigma's body until he finally dies. Wily looks up, and the rest of the bar patrons are silent.
Wily: Too much to drink, poor guy...said he started seeing a weird turkey thing, then just dropped off into convulsions, bless his heart...
Wily feels something strange wash over him, then sprouts six extra legs and a green trunk.
Wily: Crud...must be that time-space stuff Sigma was talkin' about...either that or a really wicked hallucination...
Light (as Marley): Hi again.
Wily: Wha--? You're not supposed to come back!
Light: Hey, you're the one who broke the whole time-space thing, idiot! By the way, did you get some {expletive removed} coal to that Cratchit guy?
Wily: Can't say as I have. So what was the moral here?
Light: Well, you were supposed to have learned the error of your ways and reformed, but I guess that just won't happen.
Wily just stares.
Wily: Hello? How many Megaman games have I been in?
Light: Touché.
Meanwhile, at the singles bar...
EXE: Hey, Air Man, check it! He actually DID patent somthing called a "brother-chucker"! I'm bidding. That cocky ProtoMan wise@$$ needs to be taught a lesson.
Air Man (to a girl): So I says, "yeah, I can blow and suck." Heh heh...
End.