Sometimes silence is the key to survival. The ability to sit against a wall, legs folded up and head held in hands creates a hideout from the world. Paige's finger traced a circular pattern in the carpet beneath her, and the only sound that escaped her lips in hours had been the occasional sigh. She had hit the painful stage of silence; rigorous self-examination, the mistakes of the past, the worries of the future and the ache of the present. There was no one event that had triggered her state of mind, but merely a build up of everyday life. The most peculiar thing about depression was that it always felt the same to Paige, no matter how big or small her reasoning was. At the age of seventeen Paige had faced the loss of two parents and an alcohol addiction, and yet here at the age of twenty-seven, she felt the same ache and hopelessness over a simple break-up and feelings of inadequacy towards her sisters. The chime of the clock downstairs reminded Paige that she should be asleep, or at least be trying to sleep the final four hours she had left before morning. It was hopeless, that much she knew from past experience, and it really didn't matter, all-nighters were something she had made peace with long ago.
*****
Paige ran her hand along the railing as she carefully picked her way down the stairs, knowing where to step to avoid Wyatt's toys and Phoebe's files. The soft light from the orange streetlights outside made her trip across the living room easier, and it wasn't until she stepped into the kitchen that she realized the light was already on.
"Hi." Piper sat sleepily at the table, a cup of tea in hand.
"I couldn't sleep…" Paige trailed off awkwardly, trying hard to resist the urge to sigh. It was just her luck that Piper happened to be up on the one night Paige needed to be left alone.
"Are you going out?" Piper said suspiciously as she sat up in her chair, taking in Paige's jeans and sweatshirt.
"Just out for a drive." Paige made her move towards the keys at the door, grabbing her jacket from a chair as she went.
"Drive?"
"I just need some time to clear my mind." Paige said impatiently, twirling the keys around her finger.
"Clear your mind from what?" Piper asked casually as she stood up and placed her finished cup into the sink.
"Just some stuff that's going on at work."
"You work at a temp agency Paige, you need to lie better than that."
"It's…personal. Sorry Piper, I'm just not in a sharing mood, but I appreciate you trying."
"Okay," Piper gave Paige a small smile, "where are we driving to?"
"I…uh." Paige decided that an outward sigh was needed, Piper had her trapped. "It's more of an alone, blast angry music and speed around thing."
"I'll get my Metallica cd."
"You own a metallica cd?"
"No, but I'm pretty sure Phoebe does."
"Cute," Paige muttered looking the enthusiastic Piper over, "fine, you can come."
*****
Piper glanced over at Paige heavily concentrated on driving. So far their trip had been completely silent, apart from the music playing softly on the radio; apparently the angry music wasn't needed yet. Sometimes Piper felt so distant from Paige, and this was one of these moments. What had Paige done in her life? What had she felt? Who had she met? It seemed stupid to think about it really because Piper truly had no clue what Phoebe or Prue had done at certain points in their lives, but it somehow seemed different. There was this bond of familiarity with them, a complete and total belief that they could be counted on when they were needed. Piper didn't have that with Paige, their sisterly relationship had boundaries, there was no unrequited love. Paige had an emotional wall, this Piper knew and had learned to accept as part of her personality; jokes covered her insecurities, work distracted her from emotions and distancing herself from everyone prevented any pain. Piper had seen her cry, get mad and be happy, but she had never seen her like this, this was not a Paige Piper knew. Paige made no effort to keep her emotions off her face, they were there and they were real.
"Turn left." Paige face flashed automatic distrust for an instant after Piper's words pierced the silence, before she changed lanes and swung into yet another deserted road. Piper smiled and looked up at Paige, "your turn."
"Uh, what?" Paige said as she fiddled with the radio.
"You choose a turn…right or left." At Paige's confused glare, Piper sighed and rolled her eyes, "it's a game Prue and I used to play. I choose one turn, she choose the next, and we'd keep going until we hit a dead end."
"And what do you do when you hit the dead end?"
"Choose a direction and find out." Piper shot Paige one playful glance before settling back into her seat. Paige's lips pursed once, before a small smile played across her face as she swerved into a sharp right turn.
*****
"No way." Paige muttered as she took in her surroundings. It was now Piper who looked confused as she looked around at the empty cargo box yard. Paige shifted into park, and took her foot hesitantly off the breaks, "there's just no way."
"Paige, what are you talking about?" Paige's attention slowly shifted to Piper, as if she had just remembered Piper was in the car beside her.
"This place…Glen and I used to come here all the time as teenagers." Paige jumped out the car and moved towards the large chain link fence. She slowly ran her hand along the cold metal as she moved to the side, behind a large bush. With one quick familiar manoeuvre, she was through a small hole in the fence and roaming around endlessly. Piper slid after Paige through the fence, and tried to follow her sister's experienced mannerisms over and through tires, boxcars and metal sheets. Every so often Paige would glance over her shoulder to make sure Piper was still with her, and at one particularly tall train cargo box, Paige offered her hand out; a gesture that didn't go unnoticed in importance to Piper. Finally, just as Piper was about to collapse of exhaustion, Paige stopped and stood motionless on a tower of brightly coloured and rusted truck freight containers.
"That's amazing," Piper stated quietly as she took her place on the top overlooking the rest of the abandoned yard and towards the city. San Francisco, a city that never sleeps was glowing in the pitch black of night. The golden gate bridge, skyscrapers and the moonlight reflected perfectly off the water. Piper suddenly realized Paige's absence and spun around in a circle trying to locate her adventurous sister. A movement out the corner of her eye brought Piper's attention to Paige's legs trailing precariously off the edge of the container. Piper slowly moved closer, hesitant about being so close to the edge, while Paige's finger traced a graffitied pattern on the metal surface beside her. A pattern in writing Piper had learned to identify.
livin'
easy
lovin'
free
season
ticket on a one way ride
askin'
nothin'
leave me
be
"When did you write that?" Piper asked Paige sitting down beside her. Paige gave no answer and instead, she placed her hand on her stomach as she lay back onto the cold metal surface, her legs still hanging. Piper soon followed suit, shivering slightly but nevertheless amazed by the stars that loomed above her.
"Summer of tenth grade," Piper turned her attention sideways, locking eyes with her baby sister. "It's from an AC DC song. I'd gotten into another fight with my parents, and Glen and I just took off. We spent the whole night here, completely sober, a rare occurrence in our daily routine. We ranted about everything while listening to grunge rock on Glen's horribly static stereo. That was the very first time I saw the sunrise." Piper smiled and Paige sighed, "and it was also the very first time I had sex, promptly followed by my very first pregnancy scare."
"Tenth grade, that makes you what, fifteen?" Paige nodded and once again focused on the stars. "Prue had one of those about then, it wasn't pretty." At the mention of Prue, Paige jerked her gaze back to Piper, a natural reaction that was one part curiosity and one part worry. The silence turned decidedly awkward as Paige tried to think of something suitable to say. Luckily, Piper took the initiative and restarted the conversation, "when exactly did you meet Glen?"
"Kindergarten. He and I were the only two kids brave enough to climb up a big tree, and to consequently get stuck there for half the morning."
"Sounds like something you'd do."
"Not really, I was a pretty shy kid. Glen had to promise me his chocolate bar to make me climb."
"Doing crazy things for food…now that is definitely something you'd do." Piper's teasing smirk was contagious and Paige cracked a small smile of her own. Unfortunately, it lasted a mere couple of seconds before it gave way to more self-conscious silence. Depressed and morose thoughts replaced the happy memories and Paige was once again trying to contain the urge to cry. Piper rolled on to her stomach and propped herself up on her elbows.
"Okay, I know it's against your policy to tell me anything, but you're doing that glassy-eyed, gloomy pouty thing again. What's wrong?" Piper tried to read Paige, but found it impossible to decipher the emotions that radiated off of her.
"Just a bad week, that's all. Don't worry about it." Paige's gaze remained steadily on the Golden Gate Bridge.
"Hey," Piper's hand felt warm and strange in Paige's, "I do worry about it, I have a right to. It's a big sister's prerogative." Paige pulled her hand away and slowly sat up, wrapping her arms around her legs.
"I know, but it's really nothing."
"It's something if you're this upset."
"I'm not upset." Paige shut her eyes in response to Piper's unbelieving eyes, darkness was an easier conversationalist.
"Paige…" Piper's body was unusually close to Paige, and if felt oddly comforting as Piper's arms wrapped around her in a tight comforting embrace. Her chin rested on Paige's shoulder, close enough to feel the tears streaming down Paige's face. "Paige, hun, what's wrong? I'm not moving until you tell me…"
"I've messed everything up…" The nearly silently response was instantly followed by sobs that wracked Paige's body in a manner that Piper had never seen before. No one else she knew cried like that, it was disturbingly violent and yet it was decidedly mellow, a hopeless sob.
"Messed what up?"
"My job. Richard. Glen. Everyone." Paige's words were shaky and jumbled, but it was the shivering that Piper was most unnerved to see.
"Whoa, slow down. Explain to me how your entire life is messed up, start with your job."
"I quit my job at social services to focus on my magic, and I did absolutely shit all. I miss it, but there's no way I can go back. At first I thought that I could become a full time whitelighter, take my job to another level, but that certainly didn't happen, and now I'm stuck doing temp jobs that I hate. My life is such a disappointment, I've achieved nothing."
"Okay, I'm going to start by saying you have most defiantly accomplished something with your life, you've saved countless innocents even before you received your powers. You are an amazingly loving individual, you never give up on people and that gives your life both meaning and achievement. Now, about your job, this is easy to fix; you can either attempted to get your old job back through lot of begging and overtime, or you can see if you can become a full whitelighter. Leo's the head elder now, and he knows just like I do that you have what it takes to be one." Paige relaxed slightly against Piper no longer in such a panicked state, and Piper gave a small sigh of relief and triumph. "Next dilemma, Richard? I was under the impression that you'd gotten over him…"
"I am, but it's just…no, it's stupid. It's not important, never mind." Paige pulled back from Piper, tucking a stray piece of wet hair behind her ear. It slipped back into its rightful place in front of her eyes, shielding her from the world.
"You are over him but?" Paige finally met Piper's gaze, astounded by the sincerity and vulnerability in them. With one shaky breath, Paige wiped the tears from her face with the back of her hand and hesitantly opened her mouth to speak.
"I felt like I was getting close to something with him. He was the first guy that I could see a future with, and that was both terrifying and exciting."
"That's a pretty normal reaction to a long term relationship sweetie."
"No, not like this. See…" Paige paused momentarily reflecting on what she was about to say and who was about to hear it, "all my life I've been by myself. I don't know whether it's by choice or by fate, but I learned to expect it. I ruin every relationship I'm in, and I keep losing people who I'm dependant on. Specifically after my parents died, I decided that I couldn't keep losing myself every time someone left me, and vowed to remain dependant on myself, and only myself. Now Richard, he represented something I had only dreamed about before, a man who I could trust and let down my guard with, but the second I did, he disappeared. I realize now that no one can live up to the expectations and things I've imagined, and that's one depressing notion." Piper smiled and wiped a tear off Paige's face with her thumb.
"Love's a funny thing, you always end up loving the people you would never expect. It's not about perfect fairytale endings, but it's actually the part just before you face the dragon."
"I'm trying, but you're losing me on the metaphor…"
"Okay, take Phoebe. I love her, but I don't actually know why. I mean, I can tell you all her good traits, but that's not why I love her. It's just a feeling I get, and she's not my vision of a perfect sister, and yet, I love her anyway." Piper and Paige readjusted themselves to account for numb body parts. Their final position was a mix of Paige lying down with her head in Piper's lap, and Piper's stretched leg underneath Paige's knees. Paige turned her head up so she could look at Piper, "so you're saying love is something that you're forced to do?" Instinctively, Piper ran her hand lightly through Paige's hair, and in a state of complete exhaustion and weakness Paige didn't recoil.
"Well no. Let's take Leo then, I'm not obligated to love him. Even after all that he's put me through, I've never stopped loving him. His imperfections are things that I hate, but still I love him anyway. I know that he loves me the same and that's where the feeling of security originates from, knowing you can accept someone who isn't perfect and that they'll do the same to you. The comfort you're searching for isn't based on perfect people, it's based on imperfect people relishing in the fact that they don't have to be perfect and that they're accepted the way they are. Love is a feeling of passion and I think that maybe it means that you have to love a person enough to hate them sometimes." Paige gave Piper a sleepy smile, happy to hear Piper admit her love for Leo, something she had refused to do since his departure.
"Nice in theory, painful in practice."
"But far worth the benefits." Paige nodded and took to playing with her watch hanging from her wrist.
"Alright, so we've tackled your job and rationalized your love life insecurities, what's next on that giant list of yours?"
"Nothing much."
"Paige, you do realize that you're a horrible liar, right?"
"Yeah, yeah. Okay, Glen."
"Ah huh…enlighten me."
"Well, I've definitely lost touch with him and just like I said, I've ruined every relationship, his included."
"And how exactly was it ruined?"
"We just grew apart I suppose, didn't put enough effort into keeping touch, and now it's too late."
"That's not true, when I look at you and Glen I see best friends, friends who can live separate lives but who never lose that unspeakable bond between them. A bond that doesn't disappear or lesson in importance over time or distance, I bet that if you phoned him right now, it would be the same old Glen who picks up. The one you always said knows you best…friendships' change, but people don't."
"Since when did you become this empowered speech giver?" Piper stuck her tongue out at Paige in reaction, but knew to stay focused on the subject at hand as Paige liked to divert intimate converstaions to something else.
"So, Glen, think you'll try phoning him?"
"Yeah actually, I think I just might."
"Good, I think it'll be good for you in the end."
"And if it's not, I reserve the right to say I told you so, multiple times."
"Bring it on."
"Oh, it's already been broughten." Piper gave Paige a tiny playful shove, happy to see the twinkle of mischief in her eye.
"Anything else you've been worried about?"
"No, I think we've covered it all." Paige's voice gave her away even before Piper had to give her one disbelieving look. "Well, uh…" Paige trailed off, shifting herself out of Piper's tranquil embrace. Piper watched silently, going with her gut instinct to let Paige figure out how to start this conversation on her own. "It's just that I'm feeling like I don't really belong with you and Phoebe." Piper instantly opened her mouth to protest but Paige held up her hand instead. "It's not your fault, and I'm not saying that I don't belong, because it's my destiny and that's not something I can escape from. I just feel as though you guys have this super intense connection that I can't even fathom, and I know you can't help it, but it's just hard being the one left out all the time." Again, Piper tried to object, but Paige quickly cut her off, "I don't want you to try to include me or anything, it wouldn't work. I'm just telling you how it feels because you said you wanted to know, and I suppose that the only way we can strengthen our relationship is if we start talking to one another."
"You're…you're right, I do have a closer relationship with Phoebe than I do you," Paige nods hesitantly. "With you, I'm nervous and I doubt my ability to know you well enough to do little things that I don't even think about with Phoebe. I love you Paige, but I wish I knew you better, and that you knew me better to be able to understand that sometimes I'm just a bitch, and sometimes I love by detaching myself from everyone and everything. You're one of my favourite people, but I'll be the first to admit, I don't think of our relationship as a secure thing in my life. I don't know where either of us will be in 10 years, and I'm not sure it will be together. I feel as if we relate as sisters, not because we want to, but because we have to because of the power of three. I don't know why, but I do know that I want to change it."
"I do too, but how?"
"By doing things like this, sisterly bonding. We both need to learn to trust each other and to depend on each other so that when times get rough, and they most definitely will again and again, we'll be there for each other. I think…no, I know that I will be there if you ever need help." Piper gave Paige a reassuring smile, wiping a fresh set of tears from her own face. "Actually…" Paige looked up at Piper in confusion as she pulled an athame from her purse. "We're making a blood pact, right here and right now. The same pact I made with Prue and Phoebe when we were kids at camp, to be sisters, but more importantly, to be friends."
"Okay." Piper handed the athame over to Paige who sat directly across from her. The night sky had given way to a soft glow of dawn. Paige winced ever so slightly as she slit her palm clearly down the centre first, then without a single word expressed, Paige took Piper's upturned hand into her own and pressed down with the knife with a knowing smile. Paige clamped their two hands and together they raised them, ignoring the sting and the blood that dripped steadily down their arms.
"Sisters and friends," Piper said slowly as the sun appeared deep on the horizon.
"Sisters and friends," Paige repeated with a smile.
*****
Phoebe clomped down the stairs, a sleepy but hungry Wyatt attached to her hip. The little hands that gripped tightly to her shirt felt warm against the cool morning breeze, and with one jubilant leap, she cleared the obstacles on the stairs. Neither Piper nor Paige had heard Wyatt's cries this morning, and Phoebe was on edge since discovering their empty beds.
"Mummy," Wyatt exclaimed in an excitement that could only be expressed by a one year old at six in the morning as he attempted to launch himself at the floor. Phoebe held on with experience and hoisted him back up to his rightful position. She glanced up at his avidly pointing finger and smiled in relief. Piper's arm was protectively around Paige, both of whom were fast asleep on the couch, shoes on and all. Phoebe took a moment to bask in the cuteness of the moment, before she was once again interrupted by Wyatt's hungry cry.
"Okay, okay, let's go to the kitchen." Once Phoebe's form disappeared from sight, Paige peaked one eye open and glanced at Piper.
"Think she bought it?"
"She did, Wyatt didn't." Piper mumbled through closed eyes.
"That gives us another hour at least." Paige said slipping her shoes off and closing her own eyes. Piper's response was a mere grunt that soon gave way to soft snoring. Paige gave one final smile, before she drifted into a peaceful slumber of her own.