Title: May you know you are loved-
"There is no returning"
Author: Jessica
Email: j_rothen@yahoo.se
Distribution: Wherever...just let me know where
Spoilers: Season 2, Season 3
Rating: PG
Category: Romance, AU, angst, V
Feedback: YES please....j_rothen@yahoo.se
Pairing: Rory/Jess
Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.
Summary: What if the fight in "Keg!Max!" turned out a different way? What if
Jess left town in a different way?
AUTHORS NOTE: English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar
mistakes may occur.
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He knew what he had to do.
He just couldn't move.
The moon still shone strong on the dark sky outside the window but
he knew that it was only a matter of time.
He had never feared the daybreak as he did now.
The world seemed so calm now, in between morning and night.
She was still sleeping.
The only sound that pierced the silence of the room was her breathing,
ebb and flow.
Her hand still rested on his chest and she was sleeping with her
lovely face turned towards him.
He wanted so badly to touch her again and drown in the sweet soft
sea of her embrace.
But he was afraid.
So he just lay there, trying to work up the courage to move away from
her and rise from the bed.
The bags where all packed so there were nothing left to hold him back.
Except her.
When he came to town that day so many months ago he had never in
his wildest dreams expect to fall in love.
But he had.
Jess Mariano had fallen and fallen hard.
There were people back in New York that would laugh at the fact that
the mighty warrior had fallen.
But he had.
Now as he lay there, with his arms wrapped around her, he wanted
nothing else than hold on to that feeling.
But he couldn't do that.
He knew that now.
It wasn't like he had a choice.
But then again he was the one who put himself in that situation,
so the fault was his.
His hand was not forced.
He could have prevented it.
But pride took the better of him
People might say that he was willing to throw everything away
just to stand strong.
But he knew better.
He had no choice in the matter.
He could stay.
He could do what Luke asked him to do and what he once promised.
But that would just be a waste of time.
It wasn't like he could shut his eyes for the truth no longer.
He didn't belong there.
He had tried so hard to be what they wanted him to be.
But the people of Stars Hollow were hard to please.
They were used to "normal" people.
People that walked the straight line.
And he was nothing like that.
From the moment he stepped fit in that town he had felt like a freak.
He was labeled as "trouble" even before he came to town.
But then again he didn't do anything to prove them wrong.
He was everything that they feared and he liked it that way because
it gave him a sense of belonging, of actually being someone.
So when he came to town he fell right back to his usual role, the one
he was so use to playing back home in New York.
But then he met Rory Gilmore.
To say that it was love at first sight might be lying but it was close.
When he entered her room that evening many months ago he did feel
something.
A jolt or something.
But he chose to ignore it as he often did when it came to feelings.
Anger was the closest and most familiar feeling in his book.
But she changed something inside of him.
Days grew into months and their encounters became friendlier
and they moved from friends to something in between.
And somewhere along the way Jess Mariano fell in love.
He couldn't say when he actually did fell in love with her because
it happened so slowly.
He tried to fight it at first and he blamed his need to see her
on everything else than the obvious.
But when she was torn from his life that horrible night so many
months ago he finally broke down and admitted to himself what
his heart already knew.
That night proved what everyone was already thinking, that he was trouble.
He never thought she might actually feel the same as he did.
But when she came to him that day in New York he saw something in
her eyes that he had only dreamed about.
So he returned to the town where everyone hated him.
He was willing to fight for her.
He, who hadn't fought for a thing in his life, was willing to fight
for her.
So when she kissed him under the tree that sunny day he dared to
believe that everything might actually turn out right in the end.
But how wrong he was.
He wanted to shout it from the rooftops.
She wanted to shove it aside and forget about it.
That hurt more than anything else.
She stayed away for months.
He waited, like a silly schoolboy with a crush, for any sign from her.
A sign that might tell him that it was actually were something left
for him to hope for.
But days became months and she remained silence.
Time made him angry and bitter.
He met Shane and he let himself drown in her.
She was everything that Rory wasn't.
But he chose to ignore that.
As he chose to ignore his aching heart.
So the day came when Rory Gilmore returned to Stars Hollow.
He hoped and prayed that she might actually come to him.
That her silence over the months that had passed was just a mistake.
But then reality hit.
He stood there, in the shadow of the tree, and watched as she hugged
and kissed Dean.
And his heart shattered into millions of tiny pieces.
But instead of nursing his broken heart he went on the warpath.
He declared war.
He wanted her to feel the pain that ripped through his body every time
she ignored him, every time she smiled at her boyfriend.
So he molded the walls around his heart in ice and he went out of
his way to let her know that she meant nothing to him.
But when they finally faced each other he almost crumbled.
He wanted answers to questions that been haunting him for months.
And for a brief moment he opened his heart to her and showed her
the heart that still ached for her.
But she turned away from him.
She chose to walk the other way.
So he did the same.
He walked away and as days passed he tried to stay away from her.
But Rory Gilmore was something of a drug to him.
There was something about her that made him want to see her every day.
So he acted like the fool he was.
And he fell over and over again.
He let her walk all over him and some part of him enjoyed the pain
because that meant that she actually cared at least a little about him.
When the night of the dance came he was willing to do battle.
He had sat there for hours watching her, in her red dress, until
his head hurt and his body screamed for rest.
But he couldn't bear to leave.
He had an excuse to watch her and he took it.
When Dean put his arms around her and danced with her he wanted
nothing but race out on to the floor and break them apart.
But he couldn't do that.
She had made that clear a long time ago.
So he sat there and watched until she finally crumbled before his eyes.
He wasn't prepared that it might actually happen that night and in
that way.
But it did.
This time it wasn't Jess Mariano that twisted the knife in her
heart.
This time it was Dean.
But still the pain of the thrust hurt as much in his heart.
He sat there and watched as she came undone on the dance floor.
When he found her on the bridge that night he didn't know what to
say at first.
She was in pain and he hated it.
He tried to convince his silly heart that everything Dean had said
was lies.
It was a way of protection from the pain that so easily could once
again shatter his weak defensives.
But this time it was the truth.
The rest is history.
As he lay there with her in his arms he couldn't help remember the
long way he had walked to come to the place that he now was.
And now he was ready to give everything up.
He wished that there were some way that he could keep her.
But he knew that he had to let her go one-day or another.
He knew that she was meant for something other then him.
She had this way about her that whispered that her future healed
great things.
Or at least that was what he believed.
And he couldn't hold her back from that.
So he was ready to walk away from her and set her free.
It wasn't like he ran away.
He was out of options.
He moved slowly away from the warmth of her body and rose.
He dressed in the moonlight.
The bags were all packed and stood by the door.
She hadn't seen them the night before.
That evening had started all wrong.
He had meant to say goodbye to her that night.
But it had ended with them fighting and she running away from him.
He had caught up with her somewhere in between her house and Luke's.
Forgiveness had been pleaded for and given.
It had started to rain but as he took her hand he didn't care about
anything else than her.
They walked to Luke's and walked upstairs.
Luke was away during the weekend with Nicole in New York.
They sat down on the couch and listened to the rain beating against
the windows of that small apartment.
He clung to her hand, desperate of letting.
He didn't know who moved first.
All he could remember was their lips meeting.
She tasted of coffee.
Small raindrops glimmered like millions of tiny diamonds on her skin.
As they parted he saw something in her eyes that wasn't there before.
But he was scared of pushing her away so he moved slowly.
He had been down that road many times before but never like that
and never with her.
So his hands trembled a little as he moved closer to her.
She seemed so fragile, like she would shatter if he touched her.
But she reassured him and took his hand.
He undressed her in the moonlight and watched as her skin shone like silver.
Her hands trembled and her eyes were wide as she dared to move closer
to him and explore his boyish body.
As her hand met the sensitive skin on his chest something inside of
him sang.
Her touch was light as a feather but started fires inside of him
that he didn't know how to tame.
As he took her hand and lead her towards the bed fear lived in her eyes
so he let go.
He knew that he couldn't give her promises for the future.
He knew that she would surely hate him in the morning but for that
single night he might have the opportunity to show her how much
he loved her.
To speak to her in ways words can't describe.
She moved slowly towards him, with her eyes fixed on him.
Her eyes pleaded to him and he knew what they were saying.
To be gentle with her.
To let him know how fragile she was.
So he did what came natural to him.
He reached out his hand.
No words could bridge the gap between them better than that.
She took it.
He laid her down on the bed and as their lips met he knew there were
no turning back.
With a sigh she opened up to him and gave him a piece of paradise.
As he entered her that night and as he took her towards the brink and
back again he knew that he had found his home.
As he stood there, hours later, with her scent still lingering on him
a piece of him hated himself.
He was everything they said he was.
He was trouble and he didn't deserve her.
At least of not now.
But the other part of him cried.
He wanted to wake her and kiss her once again.
But then he might fall and he couldn't do that.
For once in his life was doing the right thing.
He was walking away.
He lingered by the bed along time, watching as her dreams took her away.
He wanted to brand every line of her face into his memory.
The way her hair shone in the moonlight.
The curve of her mouth.
Her lashes that rested on her pale cheek.
Her skin that seemed to be molded of pure silver.
But he knew eventually his memory of her would fade with time.
He prayed that maybe one day he wouldn't remember what it was like
to love her.
And then he might be okay.
But for now, Jess Mariano was dying.
His hands trembled as he moved towards the door and picked up the bags.
He hated to leave her like that.
But he couldn't bear to say goodbye to her.
He had said his goodbyes.
He opened the door slowly and with one single glance back on the bed he
was gone.
And as the sun rose over Stars Hollow Jess Mariano walked out
of Rory Gilmore's life forever this time.
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