How can you live with yourself?
by: Jessica
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"Here I am just half a man
standing alone,
feeling like I lost my only chance at
happiness when I let you go,
I don't want to be alone thinkin' 'bout you girl,
I got nothin' left to hold in this lonely world."
( "Breakin' me" by Jonny Lang)
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He had been broken before.
But somehow and in some way he always managed to pick up the pieces of
his broken self and put them back together.
This time was different.
As he stood there, looking out over the never-ending sea, he knew
that he had no idea how to become whole again.
It felt like he was coming undone from the moment he walked away
from her.
A part of him welcomed the feeling of pain that kept eating at his center
core because that meant that he was still alive.
………………………………………………
He had always been a master of hurting himself and everyone around him.
It was a curse he carried with him through life.
He had known that it was just a matter of life before he broke her heart.
But this time was different.
He had let himself believe that maybe, just maybe, things would turn
out differently.
He had been in love.
It took months for him to admit that to himself.
But he had been scared.
He had let fear take the better part of him and he had done what
he had become a master of:
he ran.
He told himself that he had no other choice than leave.
But in his heart he knew that it was just lies he was telling himself.
The simple truth was that he didn't want to change.
It scared him.
Back in New York he had been Jess Mariano, the troublemaker.
That was a label that had stuck with him all through his life.
It was a label he desperately clung to.
It gave him meaning and direction in his life, without it he was nothing.
But then he had met Rory Gilmore and his life had become something else.
All he had ever wanted was to belong somewhere and she opened herself
up to him and gave him everything.
And he had given her nothing.
All he ever gave her was a broken heart.
………………………..
He told himself, when he lay alone at night staring at up at the dark sky,
that she was better off without him.
As the days became weeks he started to believe that he was doing just fine
and that he had forgotten about her.
It was a lie he clung to, that made him stronger, that kept him alive.
……………………………
He had run to California and a man that claimed to be his father.
He told himself that he didn't need a father and that all he wanted was somewhere to sleep.
But a part of him, the part he kept hidden from the world, still craved a father.
Someone that maybe could save him from the path he was going down.
But Jimmy Mariano had nothing to give his own son.
Jess had stood there, like a fool, and he had pleaded for shelter.
He, that once had vowed to never beg anyone for anything, had almost gotten down on his knees and pleaded for a home.
But he had been turned away by a father that had walked away from him so many years before.
…………………………….
Afterwards, when he stood there on the beach, with his feet buried in the warm sand, he had felt ashamed for believing that he might actually find a home there.
But most of all, he was scared.
So he became just another face in the crowd.
He spent his time drifting in between alive and dead.
He became a ghost in a city filled with thousands of faces.
He liked it like that.
Being alone.
Just another face in the crowd.
He had burned all his bridges to the past.
And he was alone in every way possible.
The only thing he had left in his life was the things he carried on his back and an old, rusty car.
His home became a car.
He thought about returning a million times over.
But pride took the better off him.
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But then the day of her graduation came and he began to stumble.
It was never his intention to call her.
It never had.
When he left he had vowed to stay as far away as possible from her.
It was a matter of survival.
But he was a weak man and he needed her.
He stood there a long time, by the phone, just working up the courage to dial her number.
It took two tries before he got through.
As she spoke his name, he almost hung up.
It had become a ritual of his.
He would call to hear her voice.
He never spoke but she knew that it was him.
Sometimes he could almost feel her.
The conversations was never long, just enough for him to steady his heart.
She had pleaded with him at first and with the silence he gave her, to say something.
But he had been too afraid to speak.
So they had settled with his silence and it became the only thing that kept them together.
Then her graduation came.
And he knew as he stood there clutching the phone that they had come to the end of the road.
He had to say goodbye this time.
He had to let go.
He stood there and listened to her saying goodbye in her way and he wanted to speak.
All he had to do was open his mouth and speak.
But he couldn't.
He just stood there, like a fool, and listened as he she said:
"....I think I may have loved you but I just need to let it go...."
In that moment he could feel a tiny piece of his heart detach and fall inside his chest.
As she spoke that word goodbye he almost parted his lips and spoke.
But it was too late, anyways, because her voice faded to black as she hung up.
His hands trembled a little as he hung up.
He stood there; imaging her in all her glory.
He imagined the warmth she radiated as she graced the world with her smile.
And the sheer strength of his memories almost made him stumble.
………………………..
He walked back to his car determined to leave.
He needed to run now.
He needed to put as much distance between him and his memories as possible.
Maybe it was foolish to try to run.
But if he stayed, if he stopped running, even for a second, he would lose his mind.
So he ran once again.
This time without direction.
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