Author's note: The case that I used in the first part of this chapter is from the book "There Are No Children Here" by Alex Kotlowitz. It details two years in the lives of two young black brothers in the Projects in Chicago, and is a true story.
The Learning Curve Chapter Two
Drake slammed the door to his apartment after he entered. The day had been horrible. He and JJ had worked all day on a drug case where a mob boss used young children, all around 13 or 14, to sell his drugs. It seemed like an open and close case, but no one, even the family of the children involved, would agree to testify. Not only that, but Drake sensed that most people in the neighborhood actually approved of the mob boss! Although the kids he used were young, he absolutely refused to use anyone any younger, unlike other bosses. And he protected younger children from abusive families. There were reports that he had punched a drunken father who had been verbally abusing his daughter, and he had warned the father that if he ever heard such language used in front of children again, the man would regret it.
All of this meant, of course, that the case was not, in fact, black and white. If Drake did manage to find proof of the boss' crimes, or if some brave soul did come forward to testify, then that particular boss might be put behind bars. But what would happen to the neighborhood? A new, more ruthless boss might come in. He might decide to start using preadolescents instead of teenagers to sell his drugs. He might condone violence against children. There was no way to win this case; either way, someone suffered.
Most days, Drake loved his work. He usually didn't see the positive side of crime, or rather, of criminals. He only saw the blood, the death, the mindless cruelty, and he enjoyed locking the bars behind the monsters for as long as possible. But days like this, when all he could see were the gray areas and he wasn't sure what the right thing to do was, he almost hated what he did. It was never enough to make him give up - nothing could do that, nothing - but it did make for long, sleepless nights as he wrestled with his own personal demons.
Drake passed his tiny kitchen with little more than a glance. He had no appetite tonight. All he wanted to do was lay down and try to rest. He flopped down on his old, comfortable couch and relaxed. He thought momentarily about watching TV, but dismissed it. He wasn't in the mood to laugh, and he certainly didn't need to watch the soaps, with their intricate plots and excessive melodrama.
"Ugh!" He muttered to himself. "I hate today!" It was really unfortunate, too. He had been feeling better since the day he and JJ had had their little chat in the cafŽ. The thought that JJ might have found someone other than Dee seemed proof to Drake that anyone could succeed in the game of love. Usually when he was down, it had to do with a recent break-up instead of his work. His mouth curved slightly as he thought of how JJ tried to cheer him up when he was down. It usually came in the form of mysterious cups of black coffee on his desk (if there was one thing JJ hated, it was black coffee, and Drake imagined that it was physically painful for JJ to order it), or first pick of the doughnuts. Thinking of JJ's methods of comfort almost succeeded in making Drake feel better, and he let himself relax completely and sink into the couch. His mind wandered as he thought of JJ and he remembered the time JJ had kissed him as a seal to their vow of moving forward instead of looking back. Drake grinned slightly at the memory. At the time, he had been shocked and somewhat appalled to find his lips pressed to JJ's, but in retrospect, it was funny. It was just so JJ to seal a promise to find someone new by kissing someone else! Of course, Drake doubted it would be so easy for JJ to forget about Dee, but at least he had come to a decision. Drake supposed that he had as well - as he had said, he was about ready to give up on women. He firmly believed in love, but he knew very well that it didn't work out between everybody. Just look at his parents! Now that had been a disaster of a marriage. Drake sighed and shifted a little. He was so warm and comfortable, and it was so hard to keep his eyes open...
Drake came awake with a jerk, aware of a pleasure so intense it was almost painful. He couldn't remember what he had been dreaming about, he just knew it was one of the more powerful dreams he had ever had, even during the turbulent teenage years. He looked down, blushed bright red as he realized there was no need to finish himself off, then flopped back again. "Shit..." he muttered to himself. "What the hell was that about? I haven't had a fucking wet dream for years!"
He forced himself to get up, and realized that he would need a shower. It wasn't only his dream, it was a day's worth of sweat and grime. He and JJ had been walking around in a bad part of town, and it showed.
He stripped quickly and dropped his clothes in his hamper. He turned the water to lukewarm (he didn't need a cold shower anymore) and quickly washed himself of the dirt and grunge of the day. He was in the process of shampooing his hair when the doorbell rang.
"Shit!" he muttered as he rinsed himself quickly and hopped out of the shower. "Whoever it is, is just going to have to deal with me in a towel, because I sure as hell am not getting dressed just to get undressed again when I continue my shower."
He stomped over to the door and jerked it open without checking who it was, only to be greeted by JJ's cheerful face.
JJ frowned and muttered to himself as he wound his way through the city. The date a few days ago had been...well, mediocre was the best word for it. It seemed that everyone JJ had tried since he had resolved to get over Dee just couldn't compare. How pathetic was that - the guys who asked him out were more boring to spend time with than a man who was oblivious to his very existence. Oh, he knew that it wasn't just them - he was a problem, too. He just didn't seem to be attracted to any of them, and if he thought it would help, he'd start dating women, too. But as much as he enjoyed women, he knew that he wasn't meant to spend his life with one. Sure, he'd been attracted a couple of times in a purely platonic way - he could see candlelit dinners and romantic walks through the city, but the idea of having sex with them didn't move him at all. On top of that, his day at work had been horrible. He had mixed feelings about this case, and knew that Drake was upset about it as well.
JJ paused at the thought of his partner. They were a fairly clichŽd pair, really, he thought with a grin. JJ was the hyperactive, outgoing one and Drake was the slightly depressed, steady one. They balanced perfectly, and it showed in their work. JJ knew that Drake had had some misgivings when they had first been partnered, and if he were perfectly honest he had had some qualms as well. When he saw Drake's messy hair, bedroom eyes, and carelessly put together suit, he had thought he'd been partnered with the failure of the precinct. It had taken him a few days to realize his error, and even longer to realize that Drake was his ideal partner in every way.
JJ looked around and realized he was standing in front of Drake's apartment. It happened so often when he was lost in his thoughts. He would just be walking and realize that he was standing at that building, making his way up the stairs, knocking on the door...
He grinned as the door flew open and a very wet, almost naked Drake appeared before him. As Drake's expression moved from angry to surprised, JJ pushed his way into the apartment.
"Hey, partner. Am I interrupting something?"
"No," Drake scowled, "just my shower."
JJ looked innocently at him. "That's what I meant. What else would I be interrupting in this apartment? You gave up on love, remember?"
"Oh, shut up. You have no respect."
"You know I respect you, sempai. But I also know you," he snickered.
"Yeah, yeah, smart ass. What are you doing here?" Drake shut the door and turned to look at JJ. JJ felt his breath catch a little at the sight of his partner, then laughed at himself. Well, at least his sex drive wasn't completely dead.
"Hey, why don't you go finish your shower and I'll order pizza or Chinese or something." JJ moved toward the kitchen. "Knowing you, you just came home and crashed on the couch. Am I right?"
Drake muttered something under his breath and walked back to the bathroom.
"Oh! And it's your treat, sempai." JJ laughed again as Drake yelled something unintelligible from the bathroom as the water came back on.
Forty-five minutes later found the two cops on the floor in front of Drake's TV with Chinese take-out boxes scattered everywhere around them. JJ lay on his back next to Drake, who sat with his back supported by the couch.
JJ traced the pattern of the carpet with one finger and chewed on his lower lip. "Drake-sempai..."
"Hmmm?"
"Are you really going to give up on love? I mean...it just seems so lonely." JJ stared up at Drake.
Drake sighed. "Were you really in love with Dee?"
JJ dropped his eyes, and pursed his lips. He stopped tracing the pattern on the carpet. "I don't know."
"Why did you think you were?"
"When I saw Dee-sempai, I got excited." Drake snorted. "No, really. I don't mean sexually, although that was part of it. But when he looked at me or spoke to me, or even if he wasn't paying attention to me but we were in the same room, my heart would start beating fast and I felt...happy."
"But did you just turn that off? I mean, how do you just stop feeling that because you want to? How can that be love?"
"I didn't just stop feeling it, Drake-sempai." JJ sat up and looked at Drake. "I still get nervous when I know that Dee-sempai will be in the same room as me, and I always want to look good when I go to work because I know that he'll see me. Even though I've given up on him, and I can even admit that he and Ryo are perfect together, I still feel like that."
Drake's face darkened, and he tried to ignore the strange feeling in his stomach at JJ's words. He looked into JJ's face. "So how was the date with the blond guy?"
JJ laughed. "Well, I didn't get the flutters. But I'm going to go out with him again."
The tight feeling in his stomach increased. "Why?"
JJ leaned forward. "Well, it's obvious that love isn't just going to find me, so I have to go out and find it. I can't just stop dating guys because the first date didn't blow me away."
Drake didn't answer. JJ leaned forward even more, until he was leaning against Drake. "Drake-sempai, don't write off love just yet. Haven't you ever met anyone who makes your heart beat faster?"
Drake remained silent. JJ closed his eyes and listened to the strong heartbeat under his ear. He half-smiled. "There has to be a girl out there who wants to listen to this heartbeat."
"Maybe." The room was silent for a moment, then Drake shifted, and JJ moved back, and the mood was broken. "Listen, why don't you just stay here tonight? You still have a set of clothes here from last time you spent the night, and it's kind of late. I'll make up the couch."
"Thanks, Drake-sempai."
Drake grinned. "I know this is why you came over in the first place. It's because my couch is more comfortable than your bed and you get free breakfast."
JJ snorted. "Keep dreaming, Drake-sempai. Your breakfast isn't worth the time it takes to eat it, and I always end up cooking anyway. I'm just staying because I'm too lazy to make my way home."
"Oh, that's so much better. Well, in that case, you can make your own bed. G'night."
Drake heaved himself to his feet and grinned at JJ. "You know where the sheets are. See you in the morning."
"Good night, Drake-sempai."
The Learning Curve Chapter Two
Drake slammed the door to his apartment after he entered. The day had been horrible. He and JJ had worked all day on a drug case where a mob boss used young children, all around 13 or 14, to sell his drugs. It seemed like an open and close case, but no one, even the family of the children involved, would agree to testify. Not only that, but Drake sensed that most people in the neighborhood actually approved of the mob boss! Although the kids he used were young, he absolutely refused to use anyone any younger, unlike other bosses. And he protected younger children from abusive families. There were reports that he had punched a drunken father who had been verbally abusing his daughter, and he had warned the father that if he ever heard such language used in front of children again, the man would regret it.
All of this meant, of course, that the case was not, in fact, black and white. If Drake did manage to find proof of the boss' crimes, or if some brave soul did come forward to testify, then that particular boss might be put behind bars. But what would happen to the neighborhood? A new, more ruthless boss might come in. He might decide to start using preadolescents instead of teenagers to sell his drugs. He might condone violence against children. There was no way to win this case; either way, someone suffered.
Most days, Drake loved his work. He usually didn't see the positive side of crime, or rather, of criminals. He only saw the blood, the death, the mindless cruelty, and he enjoyed locking the bars behind the monsters for as long as possible. But days like this, when all he could see were the gray areas and he wasn't sure what the right thing to do was, he almost hated what he did. It was never enough to make him give up - nothing could do that, nothing - but it did make for long, sleepless nights as he wrestled with his own personal demons.
Drake passed his tiny kitchen with little more than a glance. He had no appetite tonight. All he wanted to do was lay down and try to rest. He flopped down on his old, comfortable couch and relaxed. He thought momentarily about watching TV, but dismissed it. He wasn't in the mood to laugh, and he certainly didn't need to watch the soaps, with their intricate plots and excessive melodrama.
"Ugh!" He muttered to himself. "I hate today!" It was really unfortunate, too. He had been feeling better since the day he and JJ had had their little chat in the cafŽ. The thought that JJ might have found someone other than Dee seemed proof to Drake that anyone could succeed in the game of love. Usually when he was down, it had to do with a recent break-up instead of his work. His mouth curved slightly as he thought of how JJ tried to cheer him up when he was down. It usually came in the form of mysterious cups of black coffee on his desk (if there was one thing JJ hated, it was black coffee, and Drake imagined that it was physically painful for JJ to order it), or first pick of the doughnuts. Thinking of JJ's methods of comfort almost succeeded in making Drake feel better, and he let himself relax completely and sink into the couch. His mind wandered as he thought of JJ and he remembered the time JJ had kissed him as a seal to their vow of moving forward instead of looking back. Drake grinned slightly at the memory. At the time, he had been shocked and somewhat appalled to find his lips pressed to JJ's, but in retrospect, it was funny. It was just so JJ to seal a promise to find someone new by kissing someone else! Of course, Drake doubted it would be so easy for JJ to forget about Dee, but at least he had come to a decision. Drake supposed that he had as well - as he had said, he was about ready to give up on women. He firmly believed in love, but he knew very well that it didn't work out between everybody. Just look at his parents! Now that had been a disaster of a marriage. Drake sighed and shifted a little. He was so warm and comfortable, and it was so hard to keep his eyes open...
Drake came awake with a jerk, aware of a pleasure so intense it was almost painful. He couldn't remember what he had been dreaming about, he just knew it was one of the more powerful dreams he had ever had, even during the turbulent teenage years. He looked down, blushed bright red as he realized there was no need to finish himself off, then flopped back again. "Shit..." he muttered to himself. "What the hell was that about? I haven't had a fucking wet dream for years!"
He forced himself to get up, and realized that he would need a shower. It wasn't only his dream, it was a day's worth of sweat and grime. He and JJ had been walking around in a bad part of town, and it showed.
He stripped quickly and dropped his clothes in his hamper. He turned the water to lukewarm (he didn't need a cold shower anymore) and quickly washed himself of the dirt and grunge of the day. He was in the process of shampooing his hair when the doorbell rang.
"Shit!" he muttered as he rinsed himself quickly and hopped out of the shower. "Whoever it is, is just going to have to deal with me in a towel, because I sure as hell am not getting dressed just to get undressed again when I continue my shower."
He stomped over to the door and jerked it open without checking who it was, only to be greeted by JJ's cheerful face.
JJ frowned and muttered to himself as he wound his way through the city. The date a few days ago had been...well, mediocre was the best word for it. It seemed that everyone JJ had tried since he had resolved to get over Dee just couldn't compare. How pathetic was that - the guys who asked him out were more boring to spend time with than a man who was oblivious to his very existence. Oh, he knew that it wasn't just them - he was a problem, too. He just didn't seem to be attracted to any of them, and if he thought it would help, he'd start dating women, too. But as much as he enjoyed women, he knew that he wasn't meant to spend his life with one. Sure, he'd been attracted a couple of times in a purely platonic way - he could see candlelit dinners and romantic walks through the city, but the idea of having sex with them didn't move him at all. On top of that, his day at work had been horrible. He had mixed feelings about this case, and knew that Drake was upset about it as well.
JJ paused at the thought of his partner. They were a fairly clichŽd pair, really, he thought with a grin. JJ was the hyperactive, outgoing one and Drake was the slightly depressed, steady one. They balanced perfectly, and it showed in their work. JJ knew that Drake had had some misgivings when they had first been partnered, and if he were perfectly honest he had had some qualms as well. When he saw Drake's messy hair, bedroom eyes, and carelessly put together suit, he had thought he'd been partnered with the failure of the precinct. It had taken him a few days to realize his error, and even longer to realize that Drake was his ideal partner in every way.
JJ looked around and realized he was standing in front of Drake's apartment. It happened so often when he was lost in his thoughts. He would just be walking and realize that he was standing at that building, making his way up the stairs, knocking on the door...
He grinned as the door flew open and a very wet, almost naked Drake appeared before him. As Drake's expression moved from angry to surprised, JJ pushed his way into the apartment.
"Hey, partner. Am I interrupting something?"
"No," Drake scowled, "just my shower."
JJ looked innocently at him. "That's what I meant. What else would I be interrupting in this apartment? You gave up on love, remember?"
"Oh, shut up. You have no respect."
"You know I respect you, sempai. But I also know you," he snickered.
"Yeah, yeah, smart ass. What are you doing here?" Drake shut the door and turned to look at JJ. JJ felt his breath catch a little at the sight of his partner, then laughed at himself. Well, at least his sex drive wasn't completely dead.
"Hey, why don't you go finish your shower and I'll order pizza or Chinese or something." JJ moved toward the kitchen. "Knowing you, you just came home and crashed on the couch. Am I right?"
Drake muttered something under his breath and walked back to the bathroom.
"Oh! And it's your treat, sempai." JJ laughed again as Drake yelled something unintelligible from the bathroom as the water came back on.
Forty-five minutes later found the two cops on the floor in front of Drake's TV with Chinese take-out boxes scattered everywhere around them. JJ lay on his back next to Drake, who sat with his back supported by the couch.
JJ traced the pattern of the carpet with one finger and chewed on his lower lip. "Drake-sempai..."
"Hmmm?"
"Are you really going to give up on love? I mean...it just seems so lonely." JJ stared up at Drake.
Drake sighed. "Were you really in love with Dee?"
JJ dropped his eyes, and pursed his lips. He stopped tracing the pattern on the carpet. "I don't know."
"Why did you think you were?"
"When I saw Dee-sempai, I got excited." Drake snorted. "No, really. I don't mean sexually, although that was part of it. But when he looked at me or spoke to me, or even if he wasn't paying attention to me but we were in the same room, my heart would start beating fast and I felt...happy."
"But did you just turn that off? I mean, how do you just stop feeling that because you want to? How can that be love?"
"I didn't just stop feeling it, Drake-sempai." JJ sat up and looked at Drake. "I still get nervous when I know that Dee-sempai will be in the same room as me, and I always want to look good when I go to work because I know that he'll see me. Even though I've given up on him, and I can even admit that he and Ryo are perfect together, I still feel like that."
Drake's face darkened, and he tried to ignore the strange feeling in his stomach at JJ's words. He looked into JJ's face. "So how was the date with the blond guy?"
JJ laughed. "Well, I didn't get the flutters. But I'm going to go out with him again."
The tight feeling in his stomach increased. "Why?"
JJ leaned forward. "Well, it's obvious that love isn't just going to find me, so I have to go out and find it. I can't just stop dating guys because the first date didn't blow me away."
Drake didn't answer. JJ leaned forward even more, until he was leaning against Drake. "Drake-sempai, don't write off love just yet. Haven't you ever met anyone who makes your heart beat faster?"
Drake remained silent. JJ closed his eyes and listened to the strong heartbeat under his ear. He half-smiled. "There has to be a girl out there who wants to listen to this heartbeat."
"Maybe." The room was silent for a moment, then Drake shifted, and JJ moved back, and the mood was broken. "Listen, why don't you just stay here tonight? You still have a set of clothes here from last time you spent the night, and it's kind of late. I'll make up the couch."
"Thanks, Drake-sempai."
Drake grinned. "I know this is why you came over in the first place. It's because my couch is more comfortable than your bed and you get free breakfast."
JJ snorted. "Keep dreaming, Drake-sempai. Your breakfast isn't worth the time it takes to eat it, and I always end up cooking anyway. I'm just staying because I'm too lazy to make my way home."
"Oh, that's so much better. Well, in that case, you can make your own bed. G'night."
Drake heaved himself to his feet and grinned at JJ. "You know where the sheets are. See you in the morning."
"Good night, Drake-sempai."