The Learning Curve
Chapter Three
Drake woke suddenly in the middle of the night with a dry throat. He hauled himself out of bed and stumbled across the living room into the kitchen, where he poured a glass of water and gulped it down. He blinked sleepily and moved back into the living room carrying his second glass of water, and collapsed on the couch, which awoke and exploded beneath him.
"What the-" the couch yelled as Drake fell to the side. The glass fell to the floor and rolled under the coffee table.
"Oh god! I completely forgot you were here." Drake pushed his hand through his hair as he lifted himself up to the couch again. His eyes closed of their own volition, and he slumped a bit. "Sorry..." he mumbled. "When I'm tired, nothing really wakes me up."
JJ laughed a little. "I can understand that, but do you think you could get off my stomach?"
Drake blushed and stood up. "Ah - sorry. I'll just...go back to my room, I guess." He turned away from JJ and grimaced. *I'm such an idiot!*
"Drake." JJ's voice sounded from behind him, and Drake's heart jumped a little.
"Uh - yeah?"
"What about the water all over your floor?"
"Oh shit!"
After Drake had wiped up the water and taken the empty glass to the kitchen, apologizing profusely to JJ, he returned to his own room. He stood for a moment above his empty bed, then threw himself on it, pulling the covers over his head in a complicated maneuver, which did not require him to leave the bed. "Oh god, I'm such a jerk." He muttered to himself. "And why the hell am I so embarrassed, anyway?"
The next morning he rose and made his way out to the kitchen, where JJ was standing making eggs and toast.
"Good morning, Drake-sempai." He grinned. "Did you sleep well last night, after you went back to bed?"
"Yeah, thanks a lot." Drake shook his head. "Sorry again."
"Hey, we've all had those moments. At least it wasn't in front of a girl you liked, right?"
Drake laughed a little, more as if he felt obligated to than as if he really thought it was funny, and sat at the table. It was JJ's turn to berate himself, and he bit his lip as he turned back to the stove.
"So, the eggs will be ready in a minute. Do you want butter on your toast?" He asked brightly, hoping to smooth over the stupid comment.
"Please. Oh, I can get it," as JJ made to move toward the refrigerator. "It's not like I'm a guest, after all. I should really be the one serving you."
"We talked about this last night, sempai. If you were the one serving me, we wouldn't be able to eat. You cook worse than the precinct cafeteria workers."
"Hey, don't insult the host."
"Ah, I'm sorry, sempai. Can you possibly forgive me?" JJ stuck out his tongue as he deftly served the eggs and toast.
"Brat," Drake laughed genuinely for the first time that morning, and JJ beamed.
That day at work, Dee informed Drake that he and Ryo were throwing a house-warming party the next night. They had thought that Bikky would be home longer, so had waited to plan the party, but he had been called to school early for training. He had, according to Dee, thrown a fit when they suggested having the party without him (Drake thought it more likely that Ryo had objected to having the party without their "son"). In any case, Bikky wouldn't be home for another few months, which was too long to wait, hence the short notice. Dee, of course, grumbled all day about how they were going to organize the newly expanded apartment in time for a party, but Drake figured they would have it under control. Ryo was a master-organizer, after all, and had the advantage of free labor in the form of Cal and Bikky.
Drake accepted the invitation without a second thought, assuming that JJ would be invited as well. It came as a shock to him to hear Ryo and Dee arguing about it in the hallway later that day. Contrary to his expectations, it was Ryo who objected to JJ's presence.
"I don't understand why you don't want to invite JJ. I mean, you'd think I'd be the one who wouldn't want to invite him."
"Dee, you know I like JJ, and I respect him immensely. But I think it'll be awkward for him."
Dee snorted. "You don't think it would be more awkward if everyone in the precinct comes and he doesn't even get an invite?"
"I don't think the guys are insensitive enough to go around talking about it around him." Ryo looked stubborn.
"Ryo. Look at me." Dee spoke in his rarely used serious voice. Drake thought that perhaps it was used more often with Ryo than anyone else, since Ryo just looked more stubborn. "Ryo. JJ stopped following me around weeks ago. I don't know how he could possibly have given up on such a specimen as I, but it seems like he did." Dee's egotism got a laugh out of Ryo. "And if you think the guys around here are 'sensitive' then you've got the wrong idea. You're the only Ryo around here. Most of us are just regular guys. I promise that JJ will find out about the party one way or another. We have to invite him."
At this point, Drake left the room, seething. He didn't know why it enraged him to hear Ryo and Dee debating whether or not to invite JJ, but it did. And in a strange way, it hurt. He felt as though his lungs were shrinking as he thought of how JJ would feel if he knew about that conversation, and he walked straight up to the lovers.
"We can hear you in the office, you know." He said in a low voice. "You're lucky everyone else was further away and busy."
Ryo looked stricken while Dee put on an indifferent face.
"And you better believe that JJ will be invited to your party. How can you even think of not inviting him? Do you have no respect for his feelings? He gave up on Dee for your sake, Ryo. At least give him credit for that. JJ knows that you're together, and he has no intention of ruining that."
"I'm so sorry, Drake. I didn't realize -"
"Obviously." Drake interrupted. "Don't apologize. Just invite him." He turned and left with a disappointed shake of his head.
Why had he gotten so upset? If it had been someone else, would he have reacted the same way? Or was it just because JJ was his partner? He couldn't convince himself that the angry flush on his cheeks was the result of an off-hand insult to his partner. He had been partnered with other men and women, and had never taken their feelings so seriously. *Am I going crazy? What is this feeling?*
Drake had recovered a few hours later when JJ entered the office room suddenly, throwing the door open and bouncing over to Drake's desk. "Hey, Drake! I brought doughnuts!" He dropped the brown bag on Drake's desk. He rummaged around for a moment then came up with a chocolate covered chocolate doughnut. He bit into this with relish and chewed energetically. Drake made a face.
"How can you eat something that sweet? It's disgusting!"
JJ glared at him. "I happen to love sweet things. Have you ever even tried one?" Drake shook his head. "Then you can't talk. Here, try it." JJ held the half-eaten doughnut in front of Drake face. "Take a bite!"
Drake sighed and gave in. "Fine..." He took a hold of JJ hand and brought it closer to his face. He bit into the doughnut, chewed it speculatively, and swallowed. "Not bad. But it's still too sweet for my taste."
JJ looked at his hand for a moment, then continued to eat the doughnut. "I may have to train you to like sweet things better. I don't know if I can be partnered with a cop who doesn't like doughnuts. It doesn't seem natural."
Drake laughed. "Yeah, well I've never really liked sweets. I don't think you'll have too much luck changing my tastes."
"I've heard that before," JJ muttered.
Drake stared at him for a moment, then burst out laughing.
"What? What? What did I say?" JJ demanded.
"Nothing, I just...interpreted something wrong. Never mind. Oh! I forgot something in the car; I'll be right back." Drake stood and sauntered out of the room.
JJ stared after him, and sighed. Sometimes his partner was as impossible to read as a Joyce novel. His moods swung suddenly from depressed to cheerful, silent to laughing, withdrawn to outgoing. JJ longed to be able to read beyond the surface of his thoughts, to know what went on in that complicated head, behind those sleepy eyes. He sometimes confused himself with the depth of his curiosity about his partner. At first, he had thought it was a sexual fascination, but as he realized how completely straight his partner was he had given up on that particular interpretation. JJ had done the unreciprocated love thing before, and if it was bad loving a gay man who didn't love you back, he couldn't imagine loving a straight man. No, this fascination with his partner had some other explanation; he just didn't know what it was yet.
He jumped as a hand touched his back, and flushed. He turned to see Ryo's curious eyes watching him.
"Sorry to startle you, JJ. Lost in your thoughts?"
"You could say that," JJ answered uneasily. "Can I help you with something, sempai?" Although JJ had given up on Dee, he couldn't shake the lingering resentment that he felt for Ryo, and it pained him to call him 'sempai.' He understood intellectually that he had never had a chance with Dee, that Dee was head-over-heals in love with Ryo, and Ryo with Dee, but somehow the dislike wouldn't go away. To make things worse, Ryo was invariably kind and considerate to JJ.
"Well, Dee and I are having a house-warming party tomorrow night. It's not a big deal or anything, but please come if you have a little time." Ryo smiled kindly.
For some reason, Ryo's invitation kindled a small flame of anger in his stomach, but he smiled brightly in response and accepted graciously. How dare they invite me to their home? He didn't know why it still hurt, why it still angered him to think of them together. He didn't know why no one had bothered to tell him that they were moving in together so that he had to learn by being invited to their goddamn party. He had thought he was getting over this, little by little, but this sudden unexplained anger told him that he wasn't over it by a long shot.
He whirled and left the room, moving blindly down the hall toward the bathroom. On his way he ran into Drake, who received a glower for being in his way when all he needed was a good sulk.
"Ah, sorry, JJ. I just remembered that I left this in the car." He held up a small basket filled with candy. "For keeping me company last night, and saving me from my own cooking this morning."
JJ stared at the gift basket, and to his horror he felt tears rising to his eyes. Drake's expression changed from laughing to concern as he watched his partner.
"JJ - hey, JJ, what's wrong?" He looked around then pulled JJ down the hall, past the bathroom. "Come here. Let's go to the basement, no one really goes there."
JJ fought to keep the tears in his eyes from falling, but they spilled out of his eyes and down his cheeks, and he felt sobs crushing his chest. He breathed through his mouth and tilted his head back, as if the tears would be absorbed back into his eyes.
"What's wrong? What happened?"
"Ryo - he invited me - to a house part. He and Dee, they, they're moving in together. Why didn't anyone tell me? Why did I have to learn it like this?" He gave in to the anguish that enveloped him, and sobbed.
Drake watched him, feeling close to tears himself. It hurt more to see JJ crying than any of the women he had supposedly cared for, and he didn't know what to do. "I'm so sorry, JJ." He whispered. "I thought you knew...I thought someone must have told you..."
"Well, no one fucking did!" He cried out. "Why won't it go away? I don't want to feel like this anymore."
"It'll get better, JJ, I promise." Drake said helplessly. "It has to."
"How do you know?" The words could have been cruel, but JJ's tone was so hopeful that Drake drew in a breath.
"I don't know, but I promise it will get better. I can't tell you the future exactly, but I know that there is love in it." He reached out and pulled JJ into his arms, holding him as tightly as possible. JJ did nothing to tighten or loosen the embrace, letting his arms dangle awkwardly. "Please don't cry, JJ."
"I can't help it. It won't stop."
"I'll do anything, JJ. I can't stand to see you crying." Drake wondered at the words that were coming out of his mouth. It wasn't like him to spout cheesy lines when the girl started crying. But this wasn't a girl, and when he said the words to JJ they didn't feel cheesy.
The words did nothing to stem the flow of tears from JJ, and he stood stiff in Drake's arms as he cried. But no one can cry forever, and JJ was never the type to let despair get him down. Eventually he relaxed, and his arms rose hesitantly to circle Drake's waist. The tears stopped, and they stood in silence in the basement listening to the sound of their own breathing.
Drake rested his head on JJ's, afraid of doing or saying anything that would set JJ off again.
How long they stood like that Drake didn't know, but eventually one of them moved a little, then the other, and soon they were moving back up the stairs, still in silence. JJ made a little sound, then laughed quietly.
"Drake-sempai." His voice sounded loudly after so much quiet.
"Yeah?" Drake felt uncomfortable. If JJ thanked him for holding him...
"Thanks for the candy basket."
"Oh - no problem."
Drake woke suddenly in the middle of the night with a dry throat. He hauled himself out of bed and stumbled across the living room into the kitchen, where he poured a glass of water and gulped it down. He blinked sleepily and moved back into the living room carrying his second glass of water, and collapsed on the couch, which awoke and exploded beneath him.
"What the-" the couch yelled as Drake fell to the side. The glass fell to the floor and rolled under the coffee table.
"Oh god! I completely forgot you were here." Drake pushed his hand through his hair as he lifted himself up to the couch again. His eyes closed of their own volition, and he slumped a bit. "Sorry..." he mumbled. "When I'm tired, nothing really wakes me up."
JJ laughed a little. "I can understand that, but do you think you could get off my stomach?"
Drake blushed and stood up. "Ah - sorry. I'll just...go back to my room, I guess." He turned away from JJ and grimaced. *I'm such an idiot!*
"Drake." JJ's voice sounded from behind him, and Drake's heart jumped a little.
"Uh - yeah?"
"What about the water all over your floor?"
"Oh shit!"
After Drake had wiped up the water and taken the empty glass to the kitchen, apologizing profusely to JJ, he returned to his own room. He stood for a moment above his empty bed, then threw himself on it, pulling the covers over his head in a complicated maneuver, which did not require him to leave the bed. "Oh god, I'm such a jerk." He muttered to himself. "And why the hell am I so embarrassed, anyway?"
The next morning he rose and made his way out to the kitchen, where JJ was standing making eggs and toast.
"Good morning, Drake-sempai." He grinned. "Did you sleep well last night, after you went back to bed?"
"Yeah, thanks a lot." Drake shook his head. "Sorry again."
"Hey, we've all had those moments. At least it wasn't in front of a girl you liked, right?"
Drake laughed a little, more as if he felt obligated to than as if he really thought it was funny, and sat at the table. It was JJ's turn to berate himself, and he bit his lip as he turned back to the stove.
"So, the eggs will be ready in a minute. Do you want butter on your toast?" He asked brightly, hoping to smooth over the stupid comment.
"Please. Oh, I can get it," as JJ made to move toward the refrigerator. "It's not like I'm a guest, after all. I should really be the one serving you."
"We talked about this last night, sempai. If you were the one serving me, we wouldn't be able to eat. You cook worse than the precinct cafeteria workers."
"Hey, don't insult the host."
"Ah, I'm sorry, sempai. Can you possibly forgive me?" JJ stuck out his tongue as he deftly served the eggs and toast.
"Brat," Drake laughed genuinely for the first time that morning, and JJ beamed.
That day at work, Dee informed Drake that he and Ryo were throwing a house-warming party the next night. They had thought that Bikky would be home longer, so had waited to plan the party, but he had been called to school early for training. He had, according to Dee, thrown a fit when they suggested having the party without him (Drake thought it more likely that Ryo had objected to having the party without their "son"). In any case, Bikky wouldn't be home for another few months, which was too long to wait, hence the short notice. Dee, of course, grumbled all day about how they were going to organize the newly expanded apartment in time for a party, but Drake figured they would have it under control. Ryo was a master-organizer, after all, and had the advantage of free labor in the form of Cal and Bikky.
Drake accepted the invitation without a second thought, assuming that JJ would be invited as well. It came as a shock to him to hear Ryo and Dee arguing about it in the hallway later that day. Contrary to his expectations, it was Ryo who objected to JJ's presence.
"I don't understand why you don't want to invite JJ. I mean, you'd think I'd be the one who wouldn't want to invite him."
"Dee, you know I like JJ, and I respect him immensely. But I think it'll be awkward for him."
Dee snorted. "You don't think it would be more awkward if everyone in the precinct comes and he doesn't even get an invite?"
"I don't think the guys are insensitive enough to go around talking about it around him." Ryo looked stubborn.
"Ryo. Look at me." Dee spoke in his rarely used serious voice. Drake thought that perhaps it was used more often with Ryo than anyone else, since Ryo just looked more stubborn. "Ryo. JJ stopped following me around weeks ago. I don't know how he could possibly have given up on such a specimen as I, but it seems like he did." Dee's egotism got a laugh out of Ryo. "And if you think the guys around here are 'sensitive' then you've got the wrong idea. You're the only Ryo around here. Most of us are just regular guys. I promise that JJ will find out about the party one way or another. We have to invite him."
At this point, Drake left the room, seething. He didn't know why it enraged him to hear Ryo and Dee debating whether or not to invite JJ, but it did. And in a strange way, it hurt. He felt as though his lungs were shrinking as he thought of how JJ would feel if he knew about that conversation, and he walked straight up to the lovers.
"We can hear you in the office, you know." He said in a low voice. "You're lucky everyone else was further away and busy."
Ryo looked stricken while Dee put on an indifferent face.
"And you better believe that JJ will be invited to your party. How can you even think of not inviting him? Do you have no respect for his feelings? He gave up on Dee for your sake, Ryo. At least give him credit for that. JJ knows that you're together, and he has no intention of ruining that."
"I'm so sorry, Drake. I didn't realize -"
"Obviously." Drake interrupted. "Don't apologize. Just invite him." He turned and left with a disappointed shake of his head.
Why had he gotten so upset? If it had been someone else, would he have reacted the same way? Or was it just because JJ was his partner? He couldn't convince himself that the angry flush on his cheeks was the result of an off-hand insult to his partner. He had been partnered with other men and women, and had never taken their feelings so seriously. *Am I going crazy? What is this feeling?*
Drake had recovered a few hours later when JJ entered the office room suddenly, throwing the door open and bouncing over to Drake's desk. "Hey, Drake! I brought doughnuts!" He dropped the brown bag on Drake's desk. He rummaged around for a moment then came up with a chocolate covered chocolate doughnut. He bit into this with relish and chewed energetically. Drake made a face.
"How can you eat something that sweet? It's disgusting!"
JJ glared at him. "I happen to love sweet things. Have you ever even tried one?" Drake shook his head. "Then you can't talk. Here, try it." JJ held the half-eaten doughnut in front of Drake face. "Take a bite!"
Drake sighed and gave in. "Fine..." He took a hold of JJ hand and brought it closer to his face. He bit into the doughnut, chewed it speculatively, and swallowed. "Not bad. But it's still too sweet for my taste."
JJ looked at his hand for a moment, then continued to eat the doughnut. "I may have to train you to like sweet things better. I don't know if I can be partnered with a cop who doesn't like doughnuts. It doesn't seem natural."
Drake laughed. "Yeah, well I've never really liked sweets. I don't think you'll have too much luck changing my tastes."
"I've heard that before," JJ muttered.
Drake stared at him for a moment, then burst out laughing.
"What? What? What did I say?" JJ demanded.
"Nothing, I just...interpreted something wrong. Never mind. Oh! I forgot something in the car; I'll be right back." Drake stood and sauntered out of the room.
JJ stared after him, and sighed. Sometimes his partner was as impossible to read as a Joyce novel. His moods swung suddenly from depressed to cheerful, silent to laughing, withdrawn to outgoing. JJ longed to be able to read beyond the surface of his thoughts, to know what went on in that complicated head, behind those sleepy eyes. He sometimes confused himself with the depth of his curiosity about his partner. At first, he had thought it was a sexual fascination, but as he realized how completely straight his partner was he had given up on that particular interpretation. JJ had done the unreciprocated love thing before, and if it was bad loving a gay man who didn't love you back, he couldn't imagine loving a straight man. No, this fascination with his partner had some other explanation; he just didn't know what it was yet.
He jumped as a hand touched his back, and flushed. He turned to see Ryo's curious eyes watching him.
"Sorry to startle you, JJ. Lost in your thoughts?"
"You could say that," JJ answered uneasily. "Can I help you with something, sempai?" Although JJ had given up on Dee, he couldn't shake the lingering resentment that he felt for Ryo, and it pained him to call him 'sempai.' He understood intellectually that he had never had a chance with Dee, that Dee was head-over-heals in love with Ryo, and Ryo with Dee, but somehow the dislike wouldn't go away. To make things worse, Ryo was invariably kind and considerate to JJ.
"Well, Dee and I are having a house-warming party tomorrow night. It's not a big deal or anything, but please come if you have a little time." Ryo smiled kindly.
For some reason, Ryo's invitation kindled a small flame of anger in his stomach, but he smiled brightly in response and accepted graciously. How dare they invite me to their home? He didn't know why it still hurt, why it still angered him to think of them together. He didn't know why no one had bothered to tell him that they were moving in together so that he had to learn by being invited to their goddamn party. He had thought he was getting over this, little by little, but this sudden unexplained anger told him that he wasn't over it by a long shot.
He whirled and left the room, moving blindly down the hall toward the bathroom. On his way he ran into Drake, who received a glower for being in his way when all he needed was a good sulk.
"Ah, sorry, JJ. I just remembered that I left this in the car." He held up a small basket filled with candy. "For keeping me company last night, and saving me from my own cooking this morning."
JJ stared at the gift basket, and to his horror he felt tears rising to his eyes. Drake's expression changed from laughing to concern as he watched his partner.
"JJ - hey, JJ, what's wrong?" He looked around then pulled JJ down the hall, past the bathroom. "Come here. Let's go to the basement, no one really goes there."
JJ fought to keep the tears in his eyes from falling, but they spilled out of his eyes and down his cheeks, and he felt sobs crushing his chest. He breathed through his mouth and tilted his head back, as if the tears would be absorbed back into his eyes.
"What's wrong? What happened?"
"Ryo - he invited me - to a house part. He and Dee, they, they're moving in together. Why didn't anyone tell me? Why did I have to learn it like this?" He gave in to the anguish that enveloped him, and sobbed.
Drake watched him, feeling close to tears himself. It hurt more to see JJ crying than any of the women he had supposedly cared for, and he didn't know what to do. "I'm so sorry, JJ." He whispered. "I thought you knew...I thought someone must have told you..."
"Well, no one fucking did!" He cried out. "Why won't it go away? I don't want to feel like this anymore."
"It'll get better, JJ, I promise." Drake said helplessly. "It has to."
"How do you know?" The words could have been cruel, but JJ's tone was so hopeful that Drake drew in a breath.
"I don't know, but I promise it will get better. I can't tell you the future exactly, but I know that there is love in it." He reached out and pulled JJ into his arms, holding him as tightly as possible. JJ did nothing to tighten or loosen the embrace, letting his arms dangle awkwardly. "Please don't cry, JJ."
"I can't help it. It won't stop."
"I'll do anything, JJ. I can't stand to see you crying." Drake wondered at the words that were coming out of his mouth. It wasn't like him to spout cheesy lines when the girl started crying. But this wasn't a girl, and when he said the words to JJ they didn't feel cheesy.
The words did nothing to stem the flow of tears from JJ, and he stood stiff in Drake's arms as he cried. But no one can cry forever, and JJ was never the type to let despair get him down. Eventually he relaxed, and his arms rose hesitantly to circle Drake's waist. The tears stopped, and they stood in silence in the basement listening to the sound of their own breathing.
Drake rested his head on JJ's, afraid of doing or saying anything that would set JJ off again.
How long they stood like that Drake didn't know, but eventually one of them moved a little, then the other, and soon they were moving back up the stairs, still in silence. JJ made a little sound, then laughed quietly.
"Drake-sempai." His voice sounded loudly after so much quiet.
"Yeah?" Drake felt uncomfortable. If JJ thanked him for holding him...
"Thanks for the candy basket."
"Oh - no problem."