*~BOTTLE CAP~*

"Lonely Girl"

"Bottle Cap?" Came a soft voice, it lingered in my ears as I remained silent. "There you a'e. Why didn't ya answah?"

"Didn't heah ya." I lied to my loving boyfriend of merely a week. I couldn't let Dibs in on my secrets, he wouldn't understand. I had taught myself not to show my pain, to keep the tears inside, a long time ago.

"Oh." He replied, acting as though he didn't believe me as he sat beside me on my bunk. "You feelin' okay?"

"Yeah, Im fine." I smiled at him adoringly. I really wanted to love him, but everything within me hindered the feeling. I couldn't let anyone in, not even Spot. "Wanna go ta Tibby's?"

"Sure." Dibs shrugged and stood. I could tell he wanted me to talk to him about it, but there was nothing to talk about. My past haunted me unrelentlessly, the scars that were still embedded in my fair skin only tortured me all the more. I wanted it all to end, the memories, the nightmares, the pain. My only hope was pretending I was fine, like the others.

"Heya Caps." Spot greeted when we walked into Tibby's. It was time for another great preformance.

"Hey Spot." I beamed. "What brings ya to Manhattan?"

"What? Can't a guy come see 'is kid sistah if he wants?" Spot asked and I giggled, my cheeks flushing crimson. I always got embarressed when he referred to me as his kid sister.

"A coise he can." I assured him, kissing his cheek. I began my usual routine-cracking jokes, flashing endless smiles that hurt my face, and singing everytime someone said something song-worthy. It was fun, to pretend that this was real, but I knew that when I went to sleep that night it would all come crashing down on me.

I lay awake in my bed as sunlight flooded the room. Another sleepless night, I could only hope that the rings around my eyes wouldn't clue them in on my agony. It was a like I was trapped, reaching out silently for someone to save me. No one knew, though. I had to keep up my charade for Spot...and Dibs.

It was alright, though. It was no longer hard for me to do, it had turned into a life-style. I was numb from the pain, yet I didn't even want to try anymore. My greatest fear was being alone, where I would push the only world I knew aside and let the harsh memories and shattered dreams flood my mind.

"I'm gonna be a great singah, Michael." I had informed him with my small figure hugging tightly to his. That was so long ago, before mama died, before I died. He always believed me, though, and I would still look for ways to hold on to that dream, ways to make it happen. It just seemed so hopeless, even at the young and tender age of sixteen that I was.

"You sellin' taday?" Jack asked, realizing that I was still laying in bed. I snapped into costume, out of my sea of thoughts, in which I dayly drowned.

"Yeah, Cowboy." I smiled sweetly before rolling out of the bed to get ready. I couldn't help but wonder how it wouldv'e been, if I had only opened up and let people see who I really was. But how could I show them who I really was, if I didn't even know?

I sell by myself, declining Blink's invitation though we always sold together. I head toward Brooklyn, papes in hand. I didn't know where my feet were carrying me to, only that they were numb. I stood on the bridge, staring at the crashing water below as though I could not get my eyes to focus.

I had wanted to be a star. For the first time in my life, I allowed warm, salty tears to stream down my cheeks. Why did it have to be this way? Newsie life had been good to me, I tried to tell myself. The truth was, I didn't know the difference anymore.

The newspapers fell from my trembling fingers as I climbed up on the railing, almost fearlessly. It was time for this actress to take her last bow. The brisk wind smacked my skin as I fell quickly, unfeelingly. I was a falling star, now.

"Bottle Cap!" Was the last thing I heard before hitting the choppy, cold waves. Spot had seen his sister, the one he had known to be strong-willed and happy, jump to her unfair fate. Even as I gasped for breath, images of the newsies, Dibs especially, grew potent behind my eyelids. If only I had known what I had, before I gave it all up to the river. I was no longer a lonely girl.



I can remember
The very first time I cried
How I wiped my eyes
And buried the pain inside
All of my memories
Good and bad that's passed
Didn't even take the time to realize
Staring at the cracks in the walls
'Cause I'm waiting for it all to come to an end
Still I curl up right under the bed
'Cause it's takin' over my head
All over again

Do you even know who you are?
I guess I'm trying to find
A borrowed dream or a superstar?
I want to be a star
Is life good to you, or is it bad?
I can't tell anymore
Do you even know what you have?

Lying awake
Watching the sunlight
How the birds will sing
As I count the rings around my eyes
Constantly pushing
The world I know aside
I don't even feel the pain
I don't even want to try
I'm looking for a way to become
The person I dreamt up
When I was 16
Oh, nothing is ever enough
Ooh, baby it ain't enough
Or what it may seem

Do you even know who you are?
I'm still trying to find
A borrowed dream or a superstar?
Everybody wants to be
Is life good to you, or is it bad?
I can't tell anymore
Do you even know what you have?
No

Sorry girl
Tell a tale for me
'Cause I'm wondering
How you really feel

I'm a lonely girl
I'll tell a tale for you
'Cause I'm just trying to make
All my dreams come true

Do you even know who you are?
Oh yeah, yeah
A borrowed dream or a superstar?
Oh, I wanted to be a star
Is life good to you, or is it bad?
I can't tell, I can't tell anymore
Do you even know what you have?
I guess not, I guess not

Do you even know who you are?
I'm trying to find
A rising dream, or a falling star?
Oh, I have all these dreams
Is life good to you or is it bad?
I can't tell anymore
Do you even know what you have?
Oh, no, no