By Raven the Dark Angel
Chapter 1: Invisible Whistle's Reality
Rogue opened her eyes squinting at the overhead lights. She grumbled feeling her head pound as she tired to focus her vision on the person beside her. The bouncing brown mass soon formed the shape of a ponytail attached to none other than Kitty Pryde. The sound of light chatter ceased. All eyes laid on Rogue.
"Where am Ah?" she drawled in her accent glancing at her roommate, Kurt, and Logan with arms folded in the corner.
"In za infirmary, sister." Kurt answered with his blue brows furrowed in concern.
"Oh my god, Rogue! You're okay!" Kitty bursted her voice a strangled choked cry. "I was like so worried!"
Logan simply grunted and stomped out of the room.
Rogue's gaze fell seeing the look in his eyes… all of their eyes. She didn't want to hurt them at all… Logan. He was protective of her yet not quite a parent…he was a very dear uncle, whom she heavily relied on in the past. Kurt had his annoying playful side but sometimes he could get her so angry she could think of nothing but being mad and forget about her powers. Kitty was her exact opposite and yet the two could always connect. Hanging out with her Rogue could pick up on her happy carefree persona and be refreshed from her world of torment. They meant a lot to her. She didn't want to see them like this…but she just had to stop the pain rotting her life away. No one would ever understand…
"Why did you want to do that?" Kitty demanded reaching for her friend's gloved hand, tears flooding her eyes.
Rogue snapped away from her touch. "Get away from meh!" she shouted, "Ah do what Ah want! Mah life ain't none o' yo' concern!"
Hurt flashed across the girl's innocent eyes. She just couldn't understand why her friend was acting this way… Why was she so mad at everyone? Couldn't she just see how worried they were for her? They truly did care… "Rogue –"
"Ah said leave meh alone!" the Goth growled folding her arms refusing to look at them.
Kitty blinked as she stared at her for a moment. She just couldn't believe this! "Come on Kurt," she motioned for him to exit with her, "Let's just go…"
Uncertain of the demand, his eyes flitted back from the two girls in the room, as he shut the door behind them.
Alone again.
Rogue sighed glancing at the various instruments hooked up to her. She was so bored of being locked up in the infirmary. Not too long ago she was in here because her powers went out of control. How long would it have to be before they realized it was best for both them and her to just let her die?
She took in a slow breath and unhitched herself from the machines and walked towards the window. Pulling the string on the shade she could feel the warmth of the sun shining through her hospital garment. The heat was nice. It must have been raining for weeks and a little nice weather could always calm her soul.
Pressing a gloved hand on the glass, she looked down from the second floor to notice Scott's car parked before the steps.
Scott… Her heart fluttered. However fate quickly ripped such happy emotions away replacing them with a jealous stab.
Rogue didn't have to be outside to hear Jean's seamless voice charm with laughter. She could see it written all over her flawless face that she enjoyed her perfect life. The telepath reached for his hand as the two strode to the car with her latched on Scott's arm. His bare arm… with her bare arms and hands…. Touching…
Rogue felt her throat tighten. She tore her gaze from the sight and slumped against the window. Oh god why?! She bared her teeth. Why couldn't that be her? Why couldn't she have Jean's life? She was so pretty…so smart…so fucking perfect. She had Scott wrapped around her little finger and if she wanted to she could have every other boy in the world.
A whimper escaped her throat as she fought against the pain. Fought to keep everything inside… burring it so deep it tore her apart. Why couldn't she have a life like that? But no. She had to be fated with this life…. Fated never to even have a chance at a relationship because of her powers. Who would want to have a girlfriend they couldn't even touch? No one. She was stuck alone. Always alone.
"Hey darlin'," Logan greeted opening the door.
"What do you want?" she spat folding her arms glaring at the floor as if it caused all her torment.
"Where'd you get those drugs?"
"What drugs?"
"Don't lie to me! I could smell it!" he growled slamming his fist into the bed slicing three evenly spaced holes.
"Who cares?!" she responded watching him pluck the stuffing from the mattress off his claws.
"I do!"
"Yeah right."
He retracted the metal. "Look Stripes, if I didn't care I would have told the Professor by now."
She rolled her eyes and placed the pads of her fingertips on her chest as she gushed, "Oh mah, then Ah might get kicked out. Is that it?"
"Cut the attitude! I'm trying to help!"
"No one can help meh!" she screamed, "So just leave meh alone!"
Rogue pushed past him but Logan quickly stepped in front of her. "No way. You're not getting out of my sight!" He gripped her arm catching her attention. "C'mon talk to me!"
Rogue gazed into his gray eyes. She had wanted to talk to someone… and he was the one person that was closest to understanding her at the mansion. She sighed, making up her mind and gently stepped out of his grasp.
"Ah got it from school…" she whispered throwing her eyes to the ground. "Ah just… needed to forget for a while…"
A throaty sigh escaped his lips as he held his head and turned to leave but paused. Rogue's face grew melancholy realizing how much Logan did care for her. What was she supposed to do? He treated her like a kid sister or daughter, close family. He wasn't friendly with any of the other students like he was with her. He gave her breaks when she needed them. He was the one who "saved" her. It must've been horrible to see someone he cared about like that on the edge of death… but what he didn't know was he hadn't saved her at all. He only prolonged the torment she had to live with everyday. He didn't know that… if he could understand her he'd know to let her go.
The door clicked shut. "Ah'm sorry Logan…"
Mornings and afternoon's at the institute were somehow always uneventful. Ororo tended to her plants, the professor dealt with paper work, Mr. McCoy read, and Logan slept. There was absolutely nothing to do or anyone really worth talking to without having to hear a lecture. After watching TV until she was bored out of her skull, Rogue decided Logan had the right idea about what to do.
Around dinner time, the door swung open smacking against the wall jolting her awake. Rogue opened her eyes to see Kitty bounce in the room holding a covered tray along with a happy smile. "Hey," she greeted putting the tin down on her lap. "We like saved you some dinner since you couldn't come down and stuff."
"Oh," she acknowledged lifting the top taking in the scent of steak and mashed potatoes. Her stomach growled as she lifted the fork, scooped up some gravy covered fluff and slipped it into her mouth.
"Um…" Kitty mumbled sitting down on her roommate's bed "Rogue… I just wanted to say… that like if you ever need anyone to talk to… you can talk to me, alright?"
The Goth looked up from her plate and stared at her as she chewed and swallowed.
"Cuz…like…" she tired hard to find the words as she fidgeted with her shirt sleeve, "I'm worried. I don't want something like that to happen again, ya know? I just want to say that I do care, Rogue, whether you believe me or not. Even if I can't understand it… at least it helps to like get it off your chest, okay?"
Rogue sighed. "Kitty, it's hard… Y'all don't know what it's like ta not be able ta touch… and then see y'all do it all the time hurts. It hurts. You don't know what Ah go through every day. To know that no mattah what Ah can't get close ta anyone. That Ah'm doomed never to be with anyone from the beginning… without even having a chance."
Kitty held her breath listening to her friend and reached out for her gloved hand.
"You'd think Ah'd get used to it," Rogue continued gripping her palm as tears threatened to spill from her friend's eyes. "Ah can't. Ah can't just accept Ah'll always be alone. Ah push everyone away because Ah always hurt them…"
Kitty sniffled as a tiny sob croaked from her throat. She couldn't believe that Rogue was opening up to her… and just beginning to understand what it was like for her.
"Ah hurt you, Kurt, and Logan…" Rogue confessed, "Ah don't want ta hurt anyone… But if y'all understood… you'd know…. Logan would have known ta let meh die."
Unable to hold back any longer Kitty latched onto her friend and sobbed relentlessly on her shoulder. "No! Rogue please! Don't say that! You don't know that the Professor won't find a way to help you with your powers. You'll learn to control them! You will! You will!"
Rogue sat motionless just letting her cry. She knew none of them would understand… knew that they wouldn't let her go. They were hopeful. They didn't know she could easily control everyone else's powers she held with such ease. It was her own. She knew it was her skin…her skin that was poison to the touch… You couldn't get rid of it… Just like Kurt and Mr. McCoy with their blue fur. You can't turn it off.
She rubbed Kitty's back soothingly, uncaring at the moment of her drenched hospital garment. It didn't matter. She had to just help stop the pain she was causing her… It was her fault Kitty was upset right now. She'd only cause her and the others more pain if she stuck around… Couldn't anyone see by now that she was an absolute curse? Not only to herself but to everyone around her…
Kitty finally pulled away staring into her friend's green eyes. "Um…" she croaked, "I'm sorry I like got your shirt all messed up…"
Rogue smiled. "It's okay Kitty…"
"No really Rogue, I'm like totally sorry! I know you don't like to be touched and stuff!"
"It's okay!" she replied with a tick of annoyance, "Just don't do it again."
Kitty nodded. "I'm sorry, Rogue."
"Didn't Ah just say-"
"No I mean… I'm sorry about your powers. You let me know if I can like do anything okay? I'll totally be willing to help. Even if it's to convince Logan to like dance around in a too-too, I'll so make him!"
Rogue giggled. She may just hold Kitty up to it. What a sight that would be to see Logan twirling around the mansion to Swan Lake in a bright pink leotard and a frilly puffy skirt to boot. She'd have to live to see that.
"I'm going to bed now. You let me know okay?" Kitty told her walking towards the door. She clicked off the light. "Goodnight."
"Goodnight." Rogue replied. In the pitch-dark she placed the tray down off the bed and slipped further under the covers. Rolling over on her side she gazed at the door. She could hear footsteps. Scott and Jean must've just come home from their date tonight she figured feeling her throat tighten at that notion. She couldn't help herself. She couldn't help but to loath Jean. Jean never did anything wrong to her directly, but it was just that she wanted to be her. She was perfect and she had Scott. Jean had the life Rogue dreamed of. A dream that she could never ever have.
The footsteps stopped. Rogue narrowed her eyes seeing a shadow where the hall's light usually snuck in. The entrance creaked open just a crack enough for the person to see into the room. Logan stood in the doorway for a moment. Rogue glanced at him never had seeing him so pained in all of her life. He knew better than to try and talk to her now. It would just make things worse…He sighed just looking at her and turned to continue with his nightly patrol.
Rogue heard the door shut and cried.
Three o'clock. The red digits on the clocked glowed as she waited for sleep to claim her, yet it never came. She should have never taken that nap, she scolded herself, but it was too late to think about things like that now.
Rogue pushed out of bed and slid into her slippers. On the way out she wrapped her robe around herself and huddled into the little warmth it provided. She was going to find Logan. It had been bothering her all day now and she just had to talk to him.
She was about to bound down stairs when she spotted him patrolling near the balcony. "Logan!" she called to him and he turned around to face her.
"Hey Stripes," he greeted, "Why aren't you in the infirmary restin'?"
"Ah couldn't sleep…" she replied reaching into her robe's pockets for gloves.
"Somethin' you wanna talk about? Or you just wanna forget about it?"
"Maybe both," she replied tugging the two pieces of cloth on her hands. "Ah'm not goin' ta smoke anymore."
He glanced at her and leaned his hands on the rail while his eyes flitted back and forth at the entrance.
"Because…" she continued mirroring his stance, "Ah realized that it ain't gonna do ya no good… Just makes more problems instead o' eliminating 'em."
"You're right, kid. I guess I got so mad at you before was because I saw you goin' through the same road I was. Just confused and in pain… nothing makes sense in your head and in my case I just drank it away."
"You've been through a lot…" she trailed off remembering his past.
"So have you, Stripes. Every where you turn someone else is betrayin' you… can't even trust yourself. I've been there."
Rogue nodded. "But that's not what's been botherin' meh." She tugged at her gloves. "Ah wanted ta say… Ah'm sorry."
Logan turned to face her, his eyes burrowed in confusion. "For what?"
"For puttin' ya through what Ah did… Ah don't want ta see none o' ya'll hurt. But Ah was only thinkin' o' mahself. It hurts… It hurts so bad Logan… Ya don't know how it feels… Ah'm sorry…. Ah don't want ya ta have ta worry about meh hurtin' mahself, but to be honest Ah dunno if Ah can say Ah won't try it again."
He looked away from her as a heavy silence floated in the air for what seemed like forever. Finally he sighed and gazed into her green eyes so full of sadness. She was suffering. He could just see it by looking at her. None of the others could tell or suspect she was feeling such depression because of her lacking ability to control her powers. The other teachers at the institute thought she was just a moody troublesome teenager. But he knew better. He had seen depression like that before. In his eyes… when he wanted to commit suicide at one point in his own life.
"I understand ya, kid," he replied feeling his throat tighten at the sight of her tears welling in her eyes. She then did something completely unexpected. Completely unlike her at all. She hugged him.
Logan wrapped his arms around her rubbing her back soothingly as she spilled her emotions out onto his shirt. "You're tough, Stripes," he assured, "Don't let your powers beat you. I know you can handle this. Sure things are rough now, I know. But believe in yourself. I know I do."
Rogue sniffed still clinging to his shirt that was now drenched in her tears.
He just continued to rub her back.
"Ah didn't mean ta just get all emotional like that… Ah just… can't keep it inside meh anymore."
"It's okay, darlin'. I'm glad you came to me."
She smiled at his encouragement and pulled away. "Ah think Ah'll go ta bed now…" She paused her leave and smiled at him. "Ya not going ta make me go in the Danger Room at four o'clock for escapin' from the infirmary are ya?"
He chuckled and shook his head. "If you don't get a move on…" With that she sprinted down the hall and jumped into bed. She felt so much better… and in those few hours she never had slept better either.
Author's Note: Yeah I changed a few things here and there by moving stuff around and making her stay in the infirmary longer. But from now it starts to get very different.