(I've decided to do a different tragic situation... If you have a request let me know.)
I never got that kiss.
The Minister of Magic had promised me I would receive a kiss from a monster. Everyone knows what I'm talking about. The monsters who guard me night and day. Dementors, people call them. The Minister had sworn "on his mother's grave" that I would be administered a kiss. His mother's grave must be in flames.
I never received the kiss. My lips have not been kissed in .... well, time is irrelevant now that I am here. It doesn't matter whether it's light or dark, cold or warm. I'm in hell.
I grew up in a manor. We had servants and I was filthy rich. I went to school where I had four best friends and a million admirers. Now I live in this stoned prison, where I've become so numb. Sometimes I wish I had been kissed. I may be looking at a different picture. When I open my eyes all I see is charcoal walls, some metal bars near the top. I wonder if I'd be claustrophobic if this wasn't my home. Maybe the kiss would kill me. Maybe I wouldn't be looking at a picture. I guess that would only come with luck; something I'd never had a lot of.
My childhood has erased itself from memory. I've tried to convince myself that nothing has happened before this. My family, Hogwarts, my best friends, my Godson... none of them can exist. Because, if they do really exist, I will go insane. I was never a child, a student, a friend. A child grows. A student learns. A friend is honest. I have been none of those. I am not human. I am without a soul. I've never grown, never learned, was never honest. If I was, I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be in Azkaban.
I still remember the day my best friend James Potter asked Lily Evans to marry him. I laughed endlessly at him. Laughing. God, how I miss it. James and Lily were in love, yes, but we were so young! It was Christmas of our 7th year at Hogwarts when he asked her. A few years later little Harry James was born. Lily refused to call him Sirius as much as I protested. God, how beautiful Harry was. He had Lily's startling green eyes, but the rest was James. His hair, his giggle. I proclaimed myself Godfather before James and Lily had the chance. Who else would they pick? I was in love with the little boy. I had never before had such an emotion. I wish I could remember the feeling, but it's impossible to duplicate.
Hell. How did I not see it? Betrayal. It stings. It is a wound that cannot heal. Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew were mine and James's best friends. I knew one of them was out to get us. Betray us. It was a 50/50 chance, and I picked wrong. Damn it! The most important decision of my life, I pick wrong. How? Why? I knew the consequence. How the hell was I so damn blind?! I thought Remus was giving information to the Dark Lord. I thought Remus was ratting out James and Lily. God. Who else would "rat" but the rat himself?! Peter Pettigrew, the filthy traitor. I wish I could fully blame him. I wish I could take out ten years of anger on him.
But I can't. I killed my best friends. I killed James and Lily. "Damn you," were my last words to James. I forced him to change the secret keeper to Pettigrew. It was my fault. We fought over it and nearly became violent. I thought it was for the best, I swear. Right after I told James, I went to check on Peter, make sure things were going according to my "brilliant" plan.
And that's when my soul left and my insides froze.
Ten long years ago. Peter was gone, he stabbed us all in the back, and the night ended with James and Lily Potter dead. I chased him down. I wanted to kill him. I was going to kill him. I was so close!
Plan number two: failed. And here I am.
God damn it, James. I know you're here because I dream of you. I hear your voice constantly, pounding into me, replacing my heart beat. My once pleasant dreams are filled with your face, blinding me, haunting me. The fucking memory of you chased away my sanity. I've tried to tell myself that you're gone. I'm bound to your life that once was. I see through your eyes because you can't anymore. Alone, I am nothing.
This is what haunts me every time I close my eyes. This pain isn't a dream because it is too real. Time cannot erase these wounds. James is gone. Lily is gone. And I am gone. The presence of the once been, might have been lingers within me, boiling. It won't leave me alone. I want it to end, for everything to end.
And it's been like this for twelve years. I see you every day and every night, your shadow next to me. But I've been alone all along.
I never got that kiss.
The Minister of Magic had promised me I would receive a kiss from a monster. Everyone knows what I'm talking about. The monsters who guard me night and day. Dementors, people call them. The Minister had sworn "on his mother's grave" that I would be administered a kiss. His mother's grave must be in flames.
I never received the kiss. My lips have not been kissed in .... well, time is irrelevant now that I am here. It doesn't matter whether it's light or dark, cold or warm. I'm in hell.
I grew up in a manor. We had servants and I was filthy rich. I went to school where I had four best friends and a million admirers. Now I live in this stoned prison, where I've become so numb. Sometimes I wish I had been kissed. I may be looking at a different picture. When I open my eyes all I see is charcoal walls, some metal bars near the top. I wonder if I'd be claustrophobic if this wasn't my home. Maybe the kiss would kill me. Maybe I wouldn't be looking at a picture. I guess that would only come with luck; something I'd never had a lot of.
My childhood has erased itself from memory. I've tried to convince myself that nothing has happened before this. My family, Hogwarts, my best friends, my Godson... none of them can exist. Because, if they do really exist, I will go insane. I was never a child, a student, a friend. A child grows. A student learns. A friend is honest. I have been none of those. I am not human. I am without a soul. I've never grown, never learned, was never honest. If I was, I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be in Azkaban.
I still remember the day my best friend James Potter asked Lily Evans to marry him. I laughed endlessly at him. Laughing. God, how I miss it. James and Lily were in love, yes, but we were so young! It was Christmas of our 7th year at Hogwarts when he asked her. A few years later little Harry James was born. Lily refused to call him Sirius as much as I protested. God, how beautiful Harry was. He had Lily's startling green eyes, but the rest was James. His hair, his giggle. I proclaimed myself Godfather before James and Lily had the chance. Who else would they pick? I was in love with the little boy. I had never before had such an emotion. I wish I could remember the feeling, but it's impossible to duplicate.
Hell. How did I not see it? Betrayal. It stings. It is a wound that cannot heal. Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew were mine and James's best friends. I knew one of them was out to get us. Betray us. It was a 50/50 chance, and I picked wrong. Damn it! The most important decision of my life, I pick wrong. How? Why? I knew the consequence. How the hell was I so damn blind?! I thought Remus was giving information to the Dark Lord. I thought Remus was ratting out James and Lily. God. Who else would "rat" but the rat himself?! Peter Pettigrew, the filthy traitor. I wish I could fully blame him. I wish I could take out ten years of anger on him.
But I can't. I killed my best friends. I killed James and Lily. "Damn you," were my last words to James. I forced him to change the secret keeper to Pettigrew. It was my fault. We fought over it and nearly became violent. I thought it was for the best, I swear. Right after I told James, I went to check on Peter, make sure things were going according to my "brilliant" plan.
And that's when my soul left and my insides froze.
Ten long years ago. Peter was gone, he stabbed us all in the back, and the night ended with James and Lily Potter dead. I chased him down. I wanted to kill him. I was going to kill him. I was so close!
Plan number two: failed. And here I am.
God damn it, James. I know you're here because I dream of you. I hear your voice constantly, pounding into me, replacing my heart beat. My once pleasant dreams are filled with your face, blinding me, haunting me. The fucking memory of you chased away my sanity. I've tried to tell myself that you're gone. I'm bound to your life that once was. I see through your eyes because you can't anymore. Alone, I am nothing.
This is what haunts me every time I close my eyes. This pain isn't a dream because it is too real. Time cannot erase these wounds. James is gone. Lily is gone. And I am gone. The presence of the once been, might have been lingers within me, boiling. It won't leave me alone. I want it to end, for everything to end.
And it's been like this for twelve years. I see you every day and every night, your shadow next to me. But I've been alone all along.