Warrior of the Heart
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters they all belong to Joss.
Summary: Xander finally finds out that he is good at something. Takes Place after season one after that anything goes.
E-mail: RaistlinM1@aol.com
Feedback: Hey why not.
Author's note: This is my first fic ever so please help me out. Tell me if you like it or not just try and be kind.
Chapter 6
The Journal of Xander Harris
Life. It would be the funniest joke in the world if it wasn't happening to you. For as long as I can remember I wanted to be powerful and special. In third grade my class had to write an essay on what we wanted to be when we grew up. Willow wanted to be a doctor, Jesse wanted to be an astronaut, Cordelia wanted to be an actress, but all I wanted to be was a hero. To be more specific I had an unhealthy fascination with Spider-man but that's beside the point. Eight years later I'm walking through the park I stop to help someone and meet a kung-fu master, wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am and three months later have a power.
I wonder if it's right to call it a power. I mean I can fight now that's a big good for the 'lets keep Xander from being killed by a demon' club but I don't have super strength or speed I only have what I've been taught and what I'm willing to work for. I guess you could call it an ego boost to know that I've earned what I have now, of course it would have been nice to do the whole 'get bit by radioactive bug get supper power' thing.
I guess my real power comes from my newfound connection with my heart and emotions, of course even that doesn't strike me as being a true power. I guess you could call it a gift, but it's also a curse, I guess maybe it's both. Every day I feel a kind of happiness that fills my body and lifts my soul, but I also have to deal with the pain of the darker side of my heart. Every drop of loneliness and sadness threatens to drown me and swallow me up.
I think I'm beginning to understand Deadboy now. I can feel the power inside me begging to be let out like a demon seeking control. Sometimes my anger and rage is so intense and consuming I want to just wrap myself in it and never let it go. I can't count how many times I've almost drowned in a sea of my own pain and suffering, and I just want to give it up and live without the feelings or the passion in return for some peace. I walk a thin line with two fates worse than death on either side. On one side I can give in to the need to let go and become an animal working only on instinct and need with no thought and no emotions more complex than happiness and sadness. On the other I can let the pain go along with everything else and become in essence a walking corpse with no drive and no reason to live like the Dark Xander from my test. Either way the Xander that I am now would be lost, and I just don't think I could live with myself if I let that happen.
Xander Harris
Evening on the Outskirts of a Sunnydale Cemetery
It is a perfect summer evening no clouds mar the tapestry of the night as the full moon casts a soft glow over a quiet Sunnydale. Sunnydale was peaceful and calm with no great evil to break into the peaceful interlude even the unusually large number of cemeteries showed no signs of life or un- life for that matter. It is as if God himself realized the impending doom facing all high school students and decided to give them a gift of one perfect night to enjoy before they returned to the drudgery that is high school.
Two friends stroll down the sidewalk next to one of the quiet cemeteries at a lazy pace enjoying their last night of freedom. Willow and Xander are enjoying a calm walk home breaking the silence of the night with bursts of laughter and loud bits of conversation, but the conversation was half hearted as each participant is preoccupied with their own thoughts.
Willow had to remind herself to pay attention and not to stare and her beast friend as they talk, but her genuine smile can not be hidden due to the excitement she felt at seeing her best friend again. It seemed to her like Xander had become distant over the summer like he had more important things to do forgetting about his best friend. Willow's happiness is marred at her concern for her friend. Sure he's still my Xander, but whenever he was around he always seemed so tired and preoccupied, the young red head thought to herself, of course Xander's been preoccupied ever since she came to town.
Willow's smile fades as she realizes how jealous she just sounded inside her head. Willow wants to stay true to her friend, but she wanted this summer to be a time for just her and Xander to hang out like old times. Instead Xander only saw her in the evenings and when he did he was always tired from a day of training, and he always left early to get some sleep and prepare for another day of training.
Actually the only time I actually saw him for more than three hours at a time was when we buried the Master. Willow's smile returns again as she pictures that night in her head. Giles insisted that they wear the ceremonial robes, and Xander kept tell Giles that he didn't feel comfortable wearing a dress out in the open were anyone could see him and take incriminating photos. Giles could only role his eyes and clean his glasses as he tried to explain to the young man the differences between robes and dresses. Even then he was so tired, thinks Willow as she chuckles as she remembers that night.
* * *
Flash back
A Sunnydale Cemetery
Clouds race across the night sky propelled by a steady wind illuminated by the full moon. The passing clouds making the moon blink in the night sky briefly obscure the bright orb's luminance.
A figure robed in black stands on an empty plot of land surrounded by books, candles, and religious symbols. The master's bleached bones lie off to the side with a macabre grin on its face as if sharing a private joke with death itself.
"Hey G-man what's with the dress," called Xander as he approaches with Willow by his side.
Giles jumps into the air spinning to face the smiling couple causing his robes to fly out to reveal his tweed clothes underneath. "Xander, you can now put sneaking up on me right under calling me G-man on the lists of things to stop doing," replies a shaken Giles, "this is not a dress it is a ceremonial robe, and I have two extras for you two to use during the ceremony."
Xander and Willow catch the two robes thrown to them by the annoyed watcher. Xander leans down and whisper's in his friend's ear, "What was my time on that?"
"I have forty seconds, this is a new record for you," answers Willow, "you annoyed Giles a full ten seconds faster."
"I try my best," says Xander while stifling a yawn, "but I think I can do better. I have not yet begun to annoy." Xander finishes with another yawn before looking at his watch and cursing himself silently for staying out so late.
This does not go unnoticed by Willow who tries to find out what is bothering her friend. "So what's with the Rip Van Winkle act," asks Willow through the black robe as she pulls it over her head, "it's not even midnight what's wrong with you?"
"Nothing Wills I was just up late last night going through my old comics," answers Xander with a crooked smile, "I mean when Spidey calls who am I to refuse?" Xander holds the robe up to his body and gives it an apprehensive look.
"Hey G-man," calls Xander, "can we do the other ceremony. You know the one that doesn't require me to wear a dress?"
Giles takes off his glasses and grabs the bridge of his nose before answering. "I told you Xander they are not dresses they are ceremonial robes and there is only one ceremony."
"Well why even do this whole ceremony," asks Xander raising his voice in irritation and moving his hands in a wide circle to encompass the supplies on the ground. "Why don't we do the Xander ceremony where we take a hammer to Mr. Dry-and-Brittle over there and then dump the pieces in, now follow me on this, the dump. That way nobody can find all the pieces, and if anyone does find anything we don't even have to look hard to find them, we can just follow the smell."
"We perform the ceremony to make sure the Master's soul is not still on this plane of existence," answers Giles, who is flustered at the young man's sudden outburst. "It is important that the ceremony is done correctly and that means that you have to wear the robe."
Xander concedes to Giles but still leans down to whisper in Willow's ear "I am just a little uncomfortable wearing a dress out in the open where anyone with a camera could just walk by here and walk away with physical evidence of all of this."
"Don't worry about it," says Willow trying to sooth her friend, who lets out another yawn, "besides I think this is kind of cool."
Xander grudgingly pulls the robe over his head and straightens the garment so that it lays comfortably before calling out, "okay G-man lets put bat boy's soul into Hell."
Giles ignores Xander's statement and begins to instruct the teens on their parts in the ceremony. They then begins the ceremony with Giles reading from one of his books, as Willow and Xander consecrate the Master's remains with holy water and crosses. After a few minutes of chanting and blessing Giles pronounces the first stage of the ceremony complete.
Xander lets out a small cry of victory, which turns into a yawn and stretch. Xander can only smile sheepishly as he gets a questioning look from both Giles and Willow. "You said stage one," asks Xander trying to change the subject, " what's phase two?"
Giles bends down and pulls out two shovels from a duffel bag used to carry all of the components of the ceremony. "Burial," answers Giles throwing one shovel to the exhausted boy.
The two take of their robes and begin driving the metal blade of the tool into the ground throwing large pieces of Earth over their shoulders. After five minutes of digging Giles is huffing like a train and Xander can feel his muscles begin to strain and cry out for release. As if I don't get enough exercise from Lee. Xander decides to try a meditation technique to get past his body's physical barriers.
The cemetery slowly fades away as Xander focuses on the sound of his own shovel cutting into the soft ground. Xander's mind wraps itself around the noise finding a rhythm. The rhythm becomes his focus and his body's purpose becomes maintaining the rhythm.
After five more minutes Giles looks at the work the two had done and claims success, but Xander continues to dig maintaining the rhythm with single- mindedness. Giles calls out for the teen to stop he still gets no response. Xander's concentration is finally broken when the confused watcher grabs him by the shoulder.
"Um.good show Xander, I think that should be deep enough," says the watcher still confused by Xander's actions.
Xander tries to speak but is cut off by another yawn and can only nods his head in understanding. The two workers climb out of the grave with Willow giving Giles a hand almost resulting in the red head taking a nosedive into the pit.
When Giles finally gets up and out he finds Xander has his shovel sticking into dirt to allow him a sturdy object to lean on. Upon closer inspection Willow and Giles see that Xander is actually asleep, leaning against the shovel to remain upright. Giles gives Willow a questioning look, which the red head can only respond to with a shrug.
The two only shake their heads and leave the boy to his awkward sleep as they finish the ceremony by consecrating the grave.
After they are finished Willow quietly wakes up Xander from his slumber in time for him to help put away the supplies. The two friends pack everything up into Giles' duffel bag and head home together.
"Great party G-man," Xander calls back over his shoulder, "next time my place."
End Flashback
* * *
Willow catches herself staring at Xander and quickly turns her gaze away hoping that he didn't notice the intensity of her stare. Hoping to alleviate her self-conscious feelings Willow tries to get back into the conversation again.
Xander, contrary to popular belief, was not stupid. If fact, while Willow was dealing with her own internal demons Xander himself dueling with his own demons. He has known for quite a long time of his best friend's affections and of her jealousy towards their new friend. He knows that Willow has a crush on him and he knows that she thinks that she is in love, but he has seen the look in her eye when she thinks he is not looking. He knows that its affection and he can see the fascination and the attraction, but he has known Willow since they wore footie-pajamas and what he sees is the love between friends. You know this whole love thing would be a whole lot easier if they would just give love and in love two different names, thinks the young man to himself as the conversation moves on without him knowing exactly what the topic is. How about 'fove' for regular love between friends and family, and then being in love can still be called love?
Xander knows that he should be paying attention to the conversation, but his mind too preoccupied with his more important problems to put forth the effort. Besides it's not like we actually talk about anything. We never really talk about anything really important unless it has to do with stopping some sort of evil. We're like Sienfeld, but with demons. Xander doesn't know where that thought came from in the midst of his heavier topics, but it makes him smile and brings him out of his darker thoughts for a few seconds.
He turns his smile toward his friend and sees her eyes sparkling with affection, which breaks his happy moment as his mind turns to serious matters once again. Xander can only plaster his smile on firmly to keep his friend from wondering what his problem is, which would bring about uncomfortable questions with dangerous answers, as he falls back into his thoughts. Why can't I face her and just tell her that she is my best friend and it wouldn't work, he asks himself as his steps grow heavier as he feels the weight of the situation. Because you're a coward, comes Xander's reply from his truth voice, you know that she will be crushed by it. She will run and lock herself in her room refusing to talk to you, face it buddy your friendship is on borrowed time, you'll be lucky if she can get over it by graduation. Of course if she decides to blame Buffy their friendship will suffer and then the whole group thing you have going on now will cease to exist.
Xander can not quite explain to the world how much he hates that voice. His pace has slows to a crawl as despair makes his body grow heavier. Xander consciously pushes his emotions down knowing that if he does not stop himself now it will be ten times as difficult also afraid that if it gets too bad he will start projecting.
Xander looks over at Willow and notices her look away quickly a slight blush creeping across her cheeks before she is able to turn back. Xander knows what just happened, but he knows that now is not the time for a gut wrenching heart to heart talk.
"I can't wait for school to start," says Willow "We're going to be juniors that means Physics and Pre-Calculus all of the good stuff that they don't teach to the lower grades."
Xander stops walking dead in his tracks and turns to stare at his long time friend with his mouth hanging open in disbelief. Willow stops and gives her friend a questioning look before she realizes her mistake.
"Oh yeah, the whole excited about school thing," Willow says smiling sheepishly as her face lights up in embarrassment, "I can't help it if I like school more than most people."
Xander's mouth closes and curls into a genuine smile before draping his arm across his friend's shoulder and giving her a slight squeeze. The humor is apparent in Xander's voice as he eases his friend's mind. "Hey Wills no sweat. Besides if you didn't love school you wouldn't be the Willow that we all know and love, and I would have no help with those subjects that you are so excited about."
Willow's smile widens at this and she puts her arm around Xander's back as the two walk together in a familiar comfort. "So have you heard from Buffy at all this summer," asks Willow, who starts to kick herself for ruining the moment with her crush.
Xander's arm slides off of Willows shoulder as he pulls away slightly to make eye contact with his friend before answering. "No, I haven't heard from her at all. How about you?"
"I got a few post cards and a few calls but nothing in the last few weeks," replies Willow. Willow catches a slight response run across Xander's features, but it is gone before she can identify it. This confuses the red head when she can not figure out what her friend is thinking. Willow knows she should let it go, but she is more than slightly unnerved by her friend's response. She asks her next question against her better judgment and more than slightly afraid of what her friend's answer will be.
"Did you miss her this summer?" Willow can not maintain eye contact as she anxiously waits for Xander's reply.
"Who me," asked Xander feigning surprise, "I've totally gotten over Ms. Short-Blonde-and-Incredibly-Wonderful."
Willow could not help but laugh at her friend's antics as his words contradict his actions. With that short burst of laughter Willow's cares lessened as if her worries were let go along with her happiness. As her laughter fades Willow lets out a heart felt sigh releasing the rest of her pent up worries and feelings. With all of her worries free and floating away on the night air Willow finds a feeling of peace.
Xander hears his friends sigh and can almost taste the emotion in the sound. He turns to his friend and sees the smile crossing her face. Xander's smile is genuine as he recognizes the smile on his best friend's face. It is a smile of contentment; it is like the smile that his former master possessed. It is a smile of genuine happiness free of the oppression of worry and anxiety.
Xander begins to reminisce thinking of the day that he asked his master why he always seemed so happy. Xander will always remember his master's response because it seemed so wonderful and so beautiful that it made the young man jealous of his teacher.
Xander can hear the words being repeated in his head spoken in Master Lee's voice, "The world is a wonderful and magical place made more wonderful by the people who inhabit it. Every person makes up part of the wonder of the universe and true happiness stems from that. Happiness is free of anxiety and doubt; it is pure and all encompassing. When a person is truly happy they can almost feel how the universe works feeling every cosmic cog click with each other making life and happiness in of itself possible. Many who find this kind of happiness don't even know what they have and can never capture it on purpose. It just finds you and you feel the cosmic ping as everything falls into place and it fills your soul so completely that the body can not help but show it through a smile. It is a wonderful gift my young charge and something that all Warriors strive for. I just hope you can find it, but I fear that the way is full of pain and suffering. Think of it as a reward for staying the course and surviving to be an old man like myself."
Willow's next sigh is one of contentment and then brings in a deep breath of night air. "Isn't this a wonderful night," asks Willow as the wonder of this particular night is made known to her, "It's like nothing bad can happen."
The smile on Xander's face falls slightly as he responds his friend in a tone half joking and half serious, "I hope you know that you just jinxed us?"
"Don't be silly Xander," answers Willow dismissively, "You and I both know that we haven't seen more than three vampires all summer."
As if waiting for his cue a vampire appears from the foliage in the cemetery and vaults over the short stonework fence separating the sidewalk and the resting place of the dead. The vampire is wearing tuxedo pants and a white formal shirt, both of which are covered in dirt and grass. The vampires pale skin is off set by his long and stringy black hair and the ridges on his face and yellow eyes leave no mistake as to the being's identity as a creature of the night.
The creature growls at the two teens and moves for Willow. Xander steps in front of the frightened girl and shakes of her arm as she tries to pull him back away from demon.
Xander keeps his focus on the monster before him as he calls to his friend. "Willow, I want you to back away and stay behind me. Look for anymore of them; this one's just risen and his sire could be around looking for it's new childe."
Willow was far beyond surprise at the tone in Xander's voice she went right on to shocked. It was not the voice of a regular high school student; it was the voice of a commander and a leader that demanded to be obeyed.
The look on Xander's face belayed the edge underneath as he continued to smiled at the vampire, who continued to growl as his thirst to feed pushed away all other thoughts. "So is this were you growl and rush me in the hopes to overpower me," asked Xander with a chuckle, "because I really love that part."
The vampire lets loose a feral roar and leaps toward the grinning young man bringing around his right hand in a wicked swipe at the young man's head. "I guess I was wrong you roared instead of growled," said Xander as he bent backwards feeling the air before being disturbed as the hand passed before his face. "And who said that vampires can't adlib?"
The vampire roars again and brings his left hand down vertically hoping to crush the infuriating young man with one blow. Xander's leg muscles flex conforming to maintain balance as his left leg pushes his weight onto his right while Xander turns his torso to narrowly avoid another crushing blow. "You know this would be a lot easier for me if I had a stake," says Xander still smiling content to toy with his opponent.
The vampire roars again but this time his shout is interrupted by a stake exploding through his chest. The vampire's body melts away into dust revealing Buffy standing there with a broken tree branch in her hand.
Xander's breath catches in his chest as he sees the object of his affection standing before him in all of her slayer glory. Xander looks at her face and sees that something isn't quite right. He can't place it but she just does not seem like the Buffy he knows. Xander was planning on telling them about his training, but now he seems wary of dropping this news on her if she there's something wrong. Xander decides to hold off on his revelation until he knows the depth of the situation and waits for Willow, who had jumped Buffy right away and wrapped her in a strong hug, to finish before speaking.
"Hey Buff," he exclaims with enthusiasm, "thanks for the save. I sure am glad that I've perfected my dodging and scurrying skills or I might not be as dashingly handsome anymore."
Xander flashes the two girls his lopsided grin and looks like the normal teenage boy that the girls have known diffusing the situation and avoiding any difficult questions. Xander wraps Buffy up in a powerful hug unconsciously smelling the lithe girl's hair as he reveled in the feelings invoked by holding the slayer. Xander forces himself to let go and looks at Buffy's smiling face as tries to find out what it was he saw when he first saw her, but the answer evades him.
"No problem Xand," says Buffy, "You guys really should know better then to go out at night without some vamp protection."
Willow steps up and begins to explain about the events of the summer, but Xander is not paying attention. In fact Xander is turned away from the group trying to focus his emotions that seem to be warring inside him. On one hand his apprehension toward the slight changes he feels is putting on edge around his friends, but on the other hand Xander is so happy to see his friend home and completing the gang that he feels like he is about to cry for joy.
Xander tries focusing on his heart, but he can not get past his confusion over Buffy. Get her out of your head. You can't start crying in front of the gang I think it may raise some strange questions, Xander berates himself mentally. Xander finally forces himself to come under control before turning around in time to catch the end of Willow's story of the master's burial.
The three friends share a laugh, but Xander notices that Buffy laugh seems almost forced. The three friends turn home and continue to talk with Buffy sharing her experiences from LA and Willow telling Buffy about her Sunnydale escapades. Xander laughs and smiles through the walk to Willow's house, but he notices that Buffy would tense whenever Willow would mention the master or the night of the Hellmouth's opening.
Buffy and Xander drop off Willow and they part ways each heading for their homes. Xander ends up at his home to find his father sleeping off the nights mistake on the couch and his mother in the bedroom asleep. Xander goes through his bed routine and lies down to catch some sleep before having to face a day of school and just hoping that he does not end up crying in the middle of school. Xander lies awake for an hour preparing himself before finally finding the dark comfort of sleep.
* * *
The Next Day
Xander walks the halls of Sunnydale High School looking at his list of classes looking like he is about to walk into a life or death battle. In a way that is exactly what Xander is going to do.
To the young man the sterile tile floors and poster-covered walls represent his own personal hell. Xander has always hated school ever since first grade and he had to take his first test. For Xander school is a place where a person goes to be told how far they will go in life, and ever since Xander can remember he has been told by his parents, teacher, and classmates that he will never go past mediocrity.
This year is different for Xander. The young man is determined to prove to himself that he is capable of more than mediocrity. And if it takes a little wicked cool kung-fu training so be it.
The warrior sees his two friends and immediately drops his fighting persona letting the regular happy Xander take over in its place. He hurries up behind them and drapes his arms over the girl's shoulders pulling them close.
"Hey girls I was thinking that maybe we can go Bronzing it tonight," says Xander, "you know a sort of post mortem party and mourn the loss of our lives we had over the summer."
"Bronzing sounds good to me," says Willow and then looks over at Buffy waiting for her response.
"Bronzing and mourning wouldn't miss it," Buffy answers, "Speaking of lives what did you do all summer, Willow tells me you were like all nonexistent boy this summer?"
"Oh I was around I was just always tired so I stayed in a lot," answers Xander before breaking into a smile, "I think I may have had mono."
The three friends laugh and make plans to meet for lunch before heading toward their next classes. Xander feels better after talking to his friends and doesn't feel so apprehensive about having to deal with school. He walks toward his first class whistling a happy tune and with a slight spring in his step. Xander's day only went up from there, his classes went better then expected as his teachers seemed to be less witch like than the normal teacher he was used to. Lunch was wonderful, and Xander was even able to push his worries about Buffy away with only minimal difficulty, and to top it off he found a quarter facing heads up on the sidewalk outside his house on his walk home. Even his father's normally hurtful remarks about starting another failing year and school rolled off his back, as Xander felt like he could take on the world. Yep, today was a good day, and I was worried that this whole staying out of emotional situations would be tough.
* * *
The Bronze
The Bronze was surprisingly full for a school night. It seemed like everyone had the same idea as Xander and decided to go out Bronzing. The emotions at the tables varied from the depressed to the preternaturally happy, but most people fell somewhere in between celebration the reunion of friends at the same time as mourning their freedom.
At one table sit Buffy and Willow conversing over the music reverberating inside the teenage hangout. The girl's conversation is punctuated by the occasional laugh and drink from some sort of trendy coffee type by-product.
Their conversation is interrupted by the arrival of the third member of their evil fighting triumvirate who is dressed in loose navy cargo pants and a red and blue button up short sleeved shirt. It is the same type of clothes that Xander spent his summer training in and the clothes give him a sense of comfort and familiarity.
"Hey ladies," Xander pulls back to take an exaggerated look at the two beauties seated before him. "May I just say you two lovely women of the night look absolutely stunning this fine evening."
Xander bows slightly to the girls, which elicits a smile and a giggle, before taking a seat between the two girls. Xander joins the conversation talking about school and the classes they share and the teachers they like and the ones they would not mind seeing hit by a truck.
Buffy falls silent as she spots Angel across the room staring at her. She excuses herself and walks over toward her vampiric stalker leaving Xander and Willow to watch her from a far.
The look of defeat is apparent on Xander's face as he watches Buffy approach the Romeo to her Juliet. The look on Willow's face looks much the same as she watches Xander's face.
"What do you think they're talking about," asks the quiet red head.
"I don't know," answers Xander, "I bet they are planning their after summer slaying-make-out session."
"Would that be so bad," asks Willow trying to reach her friend, " I mean if he makes her happy then we should be happy for her right?"
Xander watches the couple across the room for a few more seconds noticing that they appear to be fighting. He tears his gaze away from the unfolding scene and looks at Willow his eyes speaking of great sorrow.
"I guess that would be true if Angel could actually make her happy," answers Xander with a sad look on his face. "I watch those two and how they act around each other and I don't see happiness. All I can see is the impending disaster that lies in wait for them in the future. The two are enemies on the molecular level, and they're future can only hold pain and heartache for both of them. I wish I could help her, but Buffy would never forgive me if I didn't let her make her own decision on this no matter how hard it is to watch."
The young man's shoulders slump in defeat as if the weight of the situation's inevitability is too much to bear. Xander forcibly pushes aside his feelings placing them with the rest of his problems he has had this week so that he can work through them during a later training session. Xander's posture comes back to normal, which is slightly slouched, and he forces his smile back on his face.
Willow was left speechless at her friend's response. The change in her friend's demeanor was so quick that she asks herself if she didn't imagine it. It is a side of her friend that she has only seen once in a great while and just like now it would leave without a trace. Willow's heart bleeds for her friend and breaks over the knowledge that he was thinking of Buffy at the time.
Willow's train of thought is broken by the return of the blonde slayer. Buffy looks angry and walks with an unknown purpose. Her intention is made known when she reaches the table and asks Xander to dance. Without waiting for a response she grabs the front of the young man's shirt pulling him out of his seat and on to the dance floor.
The two make their way to the middle of the dance floor as a slow song begins to play. Xander is about to ask Buffy if she wants to wait for a different song, but his question is stopped when Buffy wraps her arms around his neck and begins to sway slowly to the rhythm of the music.
Xander's head swims as Buffy begins to increase the sensuality of her movements and as the amount of contact between the two bodies increased and her hands start to caress his body. Happy confusion. It is the only way that Xander can describe what he is feeling now. He does not know why she is dancing with him but he is too afraid to ask for fear that the moment will dissolve away leaving only the memory like an amazing dream.
Buffy leans in close to Xander's ear and whispers softly, "Xander? Did I ever thank you for saving my life?"
Xander's heart skips a beat as his mind plays those words over in his head and he can only respond with a whispered, "No."
Buffy runs her hand over his chest as she whispers again; "Don't you wish I would?"
And with that she is gone like smoke in the wind leaving Xander alone in the middle of the dance floor. His happiness has faded leaving him only with confusion as everything comes together with a resounding crash. Everything makes sense: the fight, the dance, and her intentions wash over him in a wave of pain and sorrow.
The people around Xander are struck by the aftershock as he begins to project his pain to those around him. Those around him stop dancing all together and look at each other not sure what is happening to them. Xander rushes toward the exit and the crowd parts before him, as more people are struck by their empathy with the hurting teen.
Xander makes it out the door and begins to run not knowing where he is going and not caring either. The pain fuels him as his body tries to release some of the power rolling around inside of him so that it can deal with it. His mind only comprehends the wind on his face, the pounding of feet on the ground, and the beating of his heart.
Unknown to Xander he has found himself running through a graveyard and is completely unaware of the amount of pain and sorrow he is releasing into the night air. It is like a giant 'Eat at Xander's' sign surrounded by neon lights pointing directly to his jugular.
The young man weaves through the trees and hurdle the headstones working on an animalistic instinct found deep within his heart and soul. It is the same way a person knows that danger is imminent, the feeling a person has on the back of their neck and the pit of their stomach except Xander is tapped directly into this feeling reacting without thought and seeing without eyes.
His lack of thought means that the young man is taken completely by surprise when his body comes to a grinding halt and his consciousness returns with the sudden intensity of an arctic wind.
Xander's surprise at his own actions is secondary as he notices five vampires have surrounded him, and the looks on their faces imply that they are just as surprised by the sudden turn in events as Xander.
Xander straightens up calmly as he reaches into his pant's front pockets. Xander had modified his pants slightly by cutting holes in his pockets so that he can access the harnesses wrapped around his legs, which hold two stakes tightly to his thighs.
Xander is still putting out emotions like a light bulb, but his pain is being replaced by a rage born from pain. It does not roll and froth inside him like his anger normally would, this is different, it is still and calm like a pond in the dead of winter frozen on the outside giving no hint of what lies underneath.
A calm before the storm is the only way Xander can describe what he is feeling. He speaks no warning to the vampires knowing that it is useless and because he needs this to happen. Xander unstraps the stakes from their harnesses pulling the pointed and jagged wood from his pockets. The vampires are beyond surprised as the young man before they proceeds to place his two stakes inside the waist band of his pants freeing up his hands before crossing his arms in front of his chest.
Xander waits enjoying the calm of the situation and reveling in the sharp edges of his pain. The quiet of the moment is broken by a growl emitted from deep within the throat of the vampire directly behind the quiet teen alerting him of the demon's intent, but Xander does not move to react as the vampire springs toward him.
At least Xander does not react right away. He calmly turns to face his assailant reaching for a stake with his right hand. Xander gracefully avoids the violent rush by calmly side stepping the vampire keeping the monster in front of him. Xander's right leg trips the vampire launching the beast forward with Xander's left hand adding distance and momentum to the fall, and Xander drives his stake into the still heart of his foe. The body flies toward another vampire with Xander hot on his trail. As the flying vampire approaches one of his brethren his body transforms into dust entering the other unfortunate vampire's eyes causing them to water temporarily blurring his vision and permanently sealing his fate.
Xander dispenses death to the blinded vampire quickly and without pretense leaving only three vampires to contend with. Two vampires rush the young man from either side hoping to split his attention and score a wicked hit to put the odds in their favor, but the two's plan has an inherent flaw in it. By the time they are close enough to strike Xander has executed a forward role underneath the two attacks and comes out of the somersault in front of the lone vampire with his stake leading.
The sound of the vampire changing into dust echoes through the night telling the quiet evening of another triumph and sounding a death toll for the fallen demon. The two remaining demon turn to the young man who still has not lost his hard edge, and who is still waiting for the ice to break and for his rage to be let out.
Letting out roars of defiance and anger the two rush Xander who calmly slips his stake back into his pants and readies himself to receive the coming wave. Xander is fighting with the calmness and finality of his heart not moving with the same kinetic energy as he normally possesses. Xander moves minimally deciding to block the strikes launched at him instead of dodging and refraining from countering.
All the while the dead eyes begin to grow with new life as the layer of icy pain laying over his anger and rage begins to thaw and melt away with each accepted blow. Xander's moves gain momentum as his blocks turn into small counter-attacks. With the suddenness of a bolt of lightning Xander's hands snap outward connecting with the vampire's deformed faces throwing the two demons backward two steps.
Using his newfound room Xander reaches for a stake and snaps his hand out like a cobra letting the stake fly toward the dark heart of one of the vampires. The stake finds its mark leaving one stunned vampire and one burning mad warrior.
With a cry full of anger and pain Xander launches himself at his last opponent with ferocity that far surpasses the vampire's earlier efforts. The vampire tries to defend himself but his supernatural speed can not stand up to the fury of blows being rained down upon the monster. Xander drives the demon back toward a large tree standing in the cemetery. The vampire continues to give ground before the onslaught until his back hits the tree breaking concentration and allowing Xander to land a number of blows the vampire's head stunning the beast.
The vampire tries to swipe at Xander's face but he blocks the strike with his arm and brings his other arm around to viciously break the offending appendage. Xander follows the strike by driving his stake into the vampire's shoulder driving through the tendons and flesh before the stake is stopped by the tree behind the vampire.
Xander lifts the vampire's other arm and breaks it as well before follow up again with a stake through the shoulder and into the tree behind the wailing demon. Xander steps back to look at the vampire, whose is stuck against the tree, and its arms are hanging lifelessly at its side.
The monster begins to cry for mercy, but his pleas fall on deaf ears as Xander steps forward with the intent of releasing the rest of his rage upon the pathetic demon. Xander's eyes are focused on the chest of the beast, more specifically the area where the demon's evil heart lies dead an affront to the world. Xander steps forward and begins to rain blows down upon the demon's chest in a wide circle around the area over the heart. With each broken rib Xander's rage is lessened, and he slowly brings the circle of pain in tighter and tighter drawing closer and closer to his ultimate goal.
After a few more laps around the contracting circle Xander's blows fall directly on his acquired target, but his blows do not slow and his intensity does not lessen as the blows continue to fall with a pounding rhythm. The vampire's cries for death do not reach Xander as he feels the spot he is pounding grow softer and softer under each hit.
Xander's rage finally plays itself out leaving the young man winded and the vampire's torso a mangled mess of protruding bones and flowing blood. Xander finally grants the demon the release of death dropping the stake he used to the ground not wanting to look at the bloodied weapon. Xander makes it about five steps toward his home before he collapses onto his hands and knees and purges himself of all of his residual pain along with the contents of his stomach. The tears that follow are like a soothing balm to the young man's soul as he finds comfort and strength in the act of supposed weakness.
Xander makes it home without incident and falls onto his bed fully clothed and dead tired, but before he falls into the comforting embrace of sleep he decides that his abilities will remain a secret for only him to know and for him alone to carry. He concludes that since his friends only know the goofy happy Xander that it will be easier for all involved if they go on thinking that. Sleep finally claims the young man and he falls into the dreamless sleep found by the exhausted.
End Chapter 6.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters they all belong to Joss.
Summary: Xander finally finds out that he is good at something. Takes Place after season one after that anything goes.
E-mail: RaistlinM1@aol.com
Feedback: Hey why not.
Author's note: This is my first fic ever so please help me out. Tell me if you like it or not just try and be kind.
Chapter 6
The Journal of Xander Harris
Life. It would be the funniest joke in the world if it wasn't happening to you. For as long as I can remember I wanted to be powerful and special. In third grade my class had to write an essay on what we wanted to be when we grew up. Willow wanted to be a doctor, Jesse wanted to be an astronaut, Cordelia wanted to be an actress, but all I wanted to be was a hero. To be more specific I had an unhealthy fascination with Spider-man but that's beside the point. Eight years later I'm walking through the park I stop to help someone and meet a kung-fu master, wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am and three months later have a power.
I wonder if it's right to call it a power. I mean I can fight now that's a big good for the 'lets keep Xander from being killed by a demon' club but I don't have super strength or speed I only have what I've been taught and what I'm willing to work for. I guess you could call it an ego boost to know that I've earned what I have now, of course it would have been nice to do the whole 'get bit by radioactive bug get supper power' thing.
I guess my real power comes from my newfound connection with my heart and emotions, of course even that doesn't strike me as being a true power. I guess you could call it a gift, but it's also a curse, I guess maybe it's both. Every day I feel a kind of happiness that fills my body and lifts my soul, but I also have to deal with the pain of the darker side of my heart. Every drop of loneliness and sadness threatens to drown me and swallow me up.
I think I'm beginning to understand Deadboy now. I can feel the power inside me begging to be let out like a demon seeking control. Sometimes my anger and rage is so intense and consuming I want to just wrap myself in it and never let it go. I can't count how many times I've almost drowned in a sea of my own pain and suffering, and I just want to give it up and live without the feelings or the passion in return for some peace. I walk a thin line with two fates worse than death on either side. On one side I can give in to the need to let go and become an animal working only on instinct and need with no thought and no emotions more complex than happiness and sadness. On the other I can let the pain go along with everything else and become in essence a walking corpse with no drive and no reason to live like the Dark Xander from my test. Either way the Xander that I am now would be lost, and I just don't think I could live with myself if I let that happen.
Xander Harris
Evening on the Outskirts of a Sunnydale Cemetery
It is a perfect summer evening no clouds mar the tapestry of the night as the full moon casts a soft glow over a quiet Sunnydale. Sunnydale was peaceful and calm with no great evil to break into the peaceful interlude even the unusually large number of cemeteries showed no signs of life or un- life for that matter. It is as if God himself realized the impending doom facing all high school students and decided to give them a gift of one perfect night to enjoy before they returned to the drudgery that is high school.
Two friends stroll down the sidewalk next to one of the quiet cemeteries at a lazy pace enjoying their last night of freedom. Willow and Xander are enjoying a calm walk home breaking the silence of the night with bursts of laughter and loud bits of conversation, but the conversation was half hearted as each participant is preoccupied with their own thoughts.
Willow had to remind herself to pay attention and not to stare and her beast friend as they talk, but her genuine smile can not be hidden due to the excitement she felt at seeing her best friend again. It seemed to her like Xander had become distant over the summer like he had more important things to do forgetting about his best friend. Willow's happiness is marred at her concern for her friend. Sure he's still my Xander, but whenever he was around he always seemed so tired and preoccupied, the young red head thought to herself, of course Xander's been preoccupied ever since she came to town.
Willow's smile fades as she realizes how jealous she just sounded inside her head. Willow wants to stay true to her friend, but she wanted this summer to be a time for just her and Xander to hang out like old times. Instead Xander only saw her in the evenings and when he did he was always tired from a day of training, and he always left early to get some sleep and prepare for another day of training.
Actually the only time I actually saw him for more than three hours at a time was when we buried the Master. Willow's smile returns again as she pictures that night in her head. Giles insisted that they wear the ceremonial robes, and Xander kept tell Giles that he didn't feel comfortable wearing a dress out in the open were anyone could see him and take incriminating photos. Giles could only role his eyes and clean his glasses as he tried to explain to the young man the differences between robes and dresses. Even then he was so tired, thinks Willow as she chuckles as she remembers that night.
* * *
Flash back
A Sunnydale Cemetery
Clouds race across the night sky propelled by a steady wind illuminated by the full moon. The passing clouds making the moon blink in the night sky briefly obscure the bright orb's luminance.
A figure robed in black stands on an empty plot of land surrounded by books, candles, and religious symbols. The master's bleached bones lie off to the side with a macabre grin on its face as if sharing a private joke with death itself.
"Hey G-man what's with the dress," called Xander as he approaches with Willow by his side.
Giles jumps into the air spinning to face the smiling couple causing his robes to fly out to reveal his tweed clothes underneath. "Xander, you can now put sneaking up on me right under calling me G-man on the lists of things to stop doing," replies a shaken Giles, "this is not a dress it is a ceremonial robe, and I have two extras for you two to use during the ceremony."
Xander and Willow catch the two robes thrown to them by the annoyed watcher. Xander leans down and whisper's in his friend's ear, "What was my time on that?"
"I have forty seconds, this is a new record for you," answers Willow, "you annoyed Giles a full ten seconds faster."
"I try my best," says Xander while stifling a yawn, "but I think I can do better. I have not yet begun to annoy." Xander finishes with another yawn before looking at his watch and cursing himself silently for staying out so late.
This does not go unnoticed by Willow who tries to find out what is bothering her friend. "So what's with the Rip Van Winkle act," asks Willow through the black robe as she pulls it over her head, "it's not even midnight what's wrong with you?"
"Nothing Wills I was just up late last night going through my old comics," answers Xander with a crooked smile, "I mean when Spidey calls who am I to refuse?" Xander holds the robe up to his body and gives it an apprehensive look.
"Hey G-man," calls Xander, "can we do the other ceremony. You know the one that doesn't require me to wear a dress?"
Giles takes off his glasses and grabs the bridge of his nose before answering. "I told you Xander they are not dresses they are ceremonial robes and there is only one ceremony."
"Well why even do this whole ceremony," asks Xander raising his voice in irritation and moving his hands in a wide circle to encompass the supplies on the ground. "Why don't we do the Xander ceremony where we take a hammer to Mr. Dry-and-Brittle over there and then dump the pieces in, now follow me on this, the dump. That way nobody can find all the pieces, and if anyone does find anything we don't even have to look hard to find them, we can just follow the smell."
"We perform the ceremony to make sure the Master's soul is not still on this plane of existence," answers Giles, who is flustered at the young man's sudden outburst. "It is important that the ceremony is done correctly and that means that you have to wear the robe."
Xander concedes to Giles but still leans down to whisper in Willow's ear "I am just a little uncomfortable wearing a dress out in the open where anyone with a camera could just walk by here and walk away with physical evidence of all of this."
"Don't worry about it," says Willow trying to sooth her friend, who lets out another yawn, "besides I think this is kind of cool."
Xander grudgingly pulls the robe over his head and straightens the garment so that it lays comfortably before calling out, "okay G-man lets put bat boy's soul into Hell."
Giles ignores Xander's statement and begins to instruct the teens on their parts in the ceremony. They then begins the ceremony with Giles reading from one of his books, as Willow and Xander consecrate the Master's remains with holy water and crosses. After a few minutes of chanting and blessing Giles pronounces the first stage of the ceremony complete.
Xander lets out a small cry of victory, which turns into a yawn and stretch. Xander can only smile sheepishly as he gets a questioning look from both Giles and Willow. "You said stage one," asks Xander trying to change the subject, " what's phase two?"
Giles bends down and pulls out two shovels from a duffel bag used to carry all of the components of the ceremony. "Burial," answers Giles throwing one shovel to the exhausted boy.
The two take of their robes and begin driving the metal blade of the tool into the ground throwing large pieces of Earth over their shoulders. After five minutes of digging Giles is huffing like a train and Xander can feel his muscles begin to strain and cry out for release. As if I don't get enough exercise from Lee. Xander decides to try a meditation technique to get past his body's physical barriers.
The cemetery slowly fades away as Xander focuses on the sound of his own shovel cutting into the soft ground. Xander's mind wraps itself around the noise finding a rhythm. The rhythm becomes his focus and his body's purpose becomes maintaining the rhythm.
After five more minutes Giles looks at the work the two had done and claims success, but Xander continues to dig maintaining the rhythm with single- mindedness. Giles calls out for the teen to stop he still gets no response. Xander's concentration is finally broken when the confused watcher grabs him by the shoulder.
"Um.good show Xander, I think that should be deep enough," says the watcher still confused by Xander's actions.
Xander tries to speak but is cut off by another yawn and can only nods his head in understanding. The two workers climb out of the grave with Willow giving Giles a hand almost resulting in the red head taking a nosedive into the pit.
When Giles finally gets up and out he finds Xander has his shovel sticking into dirt to allow him a sturdy object to lean on. Upon closer inspection Willow and Giles see that Xander is actually asleep, leaning against the shovel to remain upright. Giles gives Willow a questioning look, which the red head can only respond to with a shrug.
The two only shake their heads and leave the boy to his awkward sleep as they finish the ceremony by consecrating the grave.
After they are finished Willow quietly wakes up Xander from his slumber in time for him to help put away the supplies. The two friends pack everything up into Giles' duffel bag and head home together.
"Great party G-man," Xander calls back over his shoulder, "next time my place."
End Flashback
* * *
Willow catches herself staring at Xander and quickly turns her gaze away hoping that he didn't notice the intensity of her stare. Hoping to alleviate her self-conscious feelings Willow tries to get back into the conversation again.
Xander, contrary to popular belief, was not stupid. If fact, while Willow was dealing with her own internal demons Xander himself dueling with his own demons. He has known for quite a long time of his best friend's affections and of her jealousy towards their new friend. He knows that Willow has a crush on him and he knows that she thinks that she is in love, but he has seen the look in her eye when she thinks he is not looking. He knows that its affection and he can see the fascination and the attraction, but he has known Willow since they wore footie-pajamas and what he sees is the love between friends. You know this whole love thing would be a whole lot easier if they would just give love and in love two different names, thinks the young man to himself as the conversation moves on without him knowing exactly what the topic is. How about 'fove' for regular love between friends and family, and then being in love can still be called love?
Xander knows that he should be paying attention to the conversation, but his mind too preoccupied with his more important problems to put forth the effort. Besides it's not like we actually talk about anything. We never really talk about anything really important unless it has to do with stopping some sort of evil. We're like Sienfeld, but with demons. Xander doesn't know where that thought came from in the midst of his heavier topics, but it makes him smile and brings him out of his darker thoughts for a few seconds.
He turns his smile toward his friend and sees her eyes sparkling with affection, which breaks his happy moment as his mind turns to serious matters once again. Xander can only plaster his smile on firmly to keep his friend from wondering what his problem is, which would bring about uncomfortable questions with dangerous answers, as he falls back into his thoughts. Why can't I face her and just tell her that she is my best friend and it wouldn't work, he asks himself as his steps grow heavier as he feels the weight of the situation. Because you're a coward, comes Xander's reply from his truth voice, you know that she will be crushed by it. She will run and lock herself in her room refusing to talk to you, face it buddy your friendship is on borrowed time, you'll be lucky if she can get over it by graduation. Of course if she decides to blame Buffy their friendship will suffer and then the whole group thing you have going on now will cease to exist.
Xander can not quite explain to the world how much he hates that voice. His pace has slows to a crawl as despair makes his body grow heavier. Xander consciously pushes his emotions down knowing that if he does not stop himself now it will be ten times as difficult also afraid that if it gets too bad he will start projecting.
Xander looks over at Willow and notices her look away quickly a slight blush creeping across her cheeks before she is able to turn back. Xander knows what just happened, but he knows that now is not the time for a gut wrenching heart to heart talk.
"I can't wait for school to start," says Willow "We're going to be juniors that means Physics and Pre-Calculus all of the good stuff that they don't teach to the lower grades."
Xander stops walking dead in his tracks and turns to stare at his long time friend with his mouth hanging open in disbelief. Willow stops and gives her friend a questioning look before she realizes her mistake.
"Oh yeah, the whole excited about school thing," Willow says smiling sheepishly as her face lights up in embarrassment, "I can't help it if I like school more than most people."
Xander's mouth closes and curls into a genuine smile before draping his arm across his friend's shoulder and giving her a slight squeeze. The humor is apparent in Xander's voice as he eases his friend's mind. "Hey Wills no sweat. Besides if you didn't love school you wouldn't be the Willow that we all know and love, and I would have no help with those subjects that you are so excited about."
Willow's smile widens at this and she puts her arm around Xander's back as the two walk together in a familiar comfort. "So have you heard from Buffy at all this summer," asks Willow, who starts to kick herself for ruining the moment with her crush.
Xander's arm slides off of Willows shoulder as he pulls away slightly to make eye contact with his friend before answering. "No, I haven't heard from her at all. How about you?"
"I got a few post cards and a few calls but nothing in the last few weeks," replies Willow. Willow catches a slight response run across Xander's features, but it is gone before she can identify it. This confuses the red head when she can not figure out what her friend is thinking. Willow knows she should let it go, but she is more than slightly unnerved by her friend's response. She asks her next question against her better judgment and more than slightly afraid of what her friend's answer will be.
"Did you miss her this summer?" Willow can not maintain eye contact as she anxiously waits for Xander's reply.
"Who me," asked Xander feigning surprise, "I've totally gotten over Ms. Short-Blonde-and-Incredibly-Wonderful."
Willow could not help but laugh at her friend's antics as his words contradict his actions. With that short burst of laughter Willow's cares lessened as if her worries were let go along with her happiness. As her laughter fades Willow lets out a heart felt sigh releasing the rest of her pent up worries and feelings. With all of her worries free and floating away on the night air Willow finds a feeling of peace.
Xander hears his friends sigh and can almost taste the emotion in the sound. He turns to his friend and sees the smile crossing her face. Xander's smile is genuine as he recognizes the smile on his best friend's face. It is a smile of contentment; it is like the smile that his former master possessed. It is a smile of genuine happiness free of the oppression of worry and anxiety.
Xander begins to reminisce thinking of the day that he asked his master why he always seemed so happy. Xander will always remember his master's response because it seemed so wonderful and so beautiful that it made the young man jealous of his teacher.
Xander can hear the words being repeated in his head spoken in Master Lee's voice, "The world is a wonderful and magical place made more wonderful by the people who inhabit it. Every person makes up part of the wonder of the universe and true happiness stems from that. Happiness is free of anxiety and doubt; it is pure and all encompassing. When a person is truly happy they can almost feel how the universe works feeling every cosmic cog click with each other making life and happiness in of itself possible. Many who find this kind of happiness don't even know what they have and can never capture it on purpose. It just finds you and you feel the cosmic ping as everything falls into place and it fills your soul so completely that the body can not help but show it through a smile. It is a wonderful gift my young charge and something that all Warriors strive for. I just hope you can find it, but I fear that the way is full of pain and suffering. Think of it as a reward for staying the course and surviving to be an old man like myself."
Willow's next sigh is one of contentment and then brings in a deep breath of night air. "Isn't this a wonderful night," asks Willow as the wonder of this particular night is made known to her, "It's like nothing bad can happen."
The smile on Xander's face falls slightly as he responds his friend in a tone half joking and half serious, "I hope you know that you just jinxed us?"
"Don't be silly Xander," answers Willow dismissively, "You and I both know that we haven't seen more than three vampires all summer."
As if waiting for his cue a vampire appears from the foliage in the cemetery and vaults over the short stonework fence separating the sidewalk and the resting place of the dead. The vampire is wearing tuxedo pants and a white formal shirt, both of which are covered in dirt and grass. The vampires pale skin is off set by his long and stringy black hair and the ridges on his face and yellow eyes leave no mistake as to the being's identity as a creature of the night.
The creature growls at the two teens and moves for Willow. Xander steps in front of the frightened girl and shakes of her arm as she tries to pull him back away from demon.
Xander keeps his focus on the monster before him as he calls to his friend. "Willow, I want you to back away and stay behind me. Look for anymore of them; this one's just risen and his sire could be around looking for it's new childe."
Willow was far beyond surprise at the tone in Xander's voice she went right on to shocked. It was not the voice of a regular high school student; it was the voice of a commander and a leader that demanded to be obeyed.
The look on Xander's face belayed the edge underneath as he continued to smiled at the vampire, who continued to growl as his thirst to feed pushed away all other thoughts. "So is this were you growl and rush me in the hopes to overpower me," asked Xander with a chuckle, "because I really love that part."
The vampire lets loose a feral roar and leaps toward the grinning young man bringing around his right hand in a wicked swipe at the young man's head. "I guess I was wrong you roared instead of growled," said Xander as he bent backwards feeling the air before being disturbed as the hand passed before his face. "And who said that vampires can't adlib?"
The vampire roars again and brings his left hand down vertically hoping to crush the infuriating young man with one blow. Xander's leg muscles flex conforming to maintain balance as his left leg pushes his weight onto his right while Xander turns his torso to narrowly avoid another crushing blow. "You know this would be a lot easier for me if I had a stake," says Xander still smiling content to toy with his opponent.
The vampire roars again but this time his shout is interrupted by a stake exploding through his chest. The vampire's body melts away into dust revealing Buffy standing there with a broken tree branch in her hand.
Xander's breath catches in his chest as he sees the object of his affection standing before him in all of her slayer glory. Xander looks at her face and sees that something isn't quite right. He can't place it but she just does not seem like the Buffy he knows. Xander was planning on telling them about his training, but now he seems wary of dropping this news on her if she there's something wrong. Xander decides to hold off on his revelation until he knows the depth of the situation and waits for Willow, who had jumped Buffy right away and wrapped her in a strong hug, to finish before speaking.
"Hey Buff," he exclaims with enthusiasm, "thanks for the save. I sure am glad that I've perfected my dodging and scurrying skills or I might not be as dashingly handsome anymore."
Xander flashes the two girls his lopsided grin and looks like the normal teenage boy that the girls have known diffusing the situation and avoiding any difficult questions. Xander wraps Buffy up in a powerful hug unconsciously smelling the lithe girl's hair as he reveled in the feelings invoked by holding the slayer. Xander forces himself to let go and looks at Buffy's smiling face as tries to find out what it was he saw when he first saw her, but the answer evades him.
"No problem Xand," says Buffy, "You guys really should know better then to go out at night without some vamp protection."
Willow steps up and begins to explain about the events of the summer, but Xander is not paying attention. In fact Xander is turned away from the group trying to focus his emotions that seem to be warring inside him. On one hand his apprehension toward the slight changes he feels is putting on edge around his friends, but on the other hand Xander is so happy to see his friend home and completing the gang that he feels like he is about to cry for joy.
Xander tries focusing on his heart, but he can not get past his confusion over Buffy. Get her out of your head. You can't start crying in front of the gang I think it may raise some strange questions, Xander berates himself mentally. Xander finally forces himself to come under control before turning around in time to catch the end of Willow's story of the master's burial.
The three friends share a laugh, but Xander notices that Buffy laugh seems almost forced. The three friends turn home and continue to talk with Buffy sharing her experiences from LA and Willow telling Buffy about her Sunnydale escapades. Xander laughs and smiles through the walk to Willow's house, but he notices that Buffy would tense whenever Willow would mention the master or the night of the Hellmouth's opening.
Buffy and Xander drop off Willow and they part ways each heading for their homes. Xander ends up at his home to find his father sleeping off the nights mistake on the couch and his mother in the bedroom asleep. Xander goes through his bed routine and lies down to catch some sleep before having to face a day of school and just hoping that he does not end up crying in the middle of school. Xander lies awake for an hour preparing himself before finally finding the dark comfort of sleep.
* * *
The Next Day
Xander walks the halls of Sunnydale High School looking at his list of classes looking like he is about to walk into a life or death battle. In a way that is exactly what Xander is going to do.
To the young man the sterile tile floors and poster-covered walls represent his own personal hell. Xander has always hated school ever since first grade and he had to take his first test. For Xander school is a place where a person goes to be told how far they will go in life, and ever since Xander can remember he has been told by his parents, teacher, and classmates that he will never go past mediocrity.
This year is different for Xander. The young man is determined to prove to himself that he is capable of more than mediocrity. And if it takes a little wicked cool kung-fu training so be it.
The warrior sees his two friends and immediately drops his fighting persona letting the regular happy Xander take over in its place. He hurries up behind them and drapes his arms over the girl's shoulders pulling them close.
"Hey girls I was thinking that maybe we can go Bronzing it tonight," says Xander, "you know a sort of post mortem party and mourn the loss of our lives we had over the summer."
"Bronzing sounds good to me," says Willow and then looks over at Buffy waiting for her response.
"Bronzing and mourning wouldn't miss it," Buffy answers, "Speaking of lives what did you do all summer, Willow tells me you were like all nonexistent boy this summer?"
"Oh I was around I was just always tired so I stayed in a lot," answers Xander before breaking into a smile, "I think I may have had mono."
The three friends laugh and make plans to meet for lunch before heading toward their next classes. Xander feels better after talking to his friends and doesn't feel so apprehensive about having to deal with school. He walks toward his first class whistling a happy tune and with a slight spring in his step. Xander's day only went up from there, his classes went better then expected as his teachers seemed to be less witch like than the normal teacher he was used to. Lunch was wonderful, and Xander was even able to push his worries about Buffy away with only minimal difficulty, and to top it off he found a quarter facing heads up on the sidewalk outside his house on his walk home. Even his father's normally hurtful remarks about starting another failing year and school rolled off his back, as Xander felt like he could take on the world. Yep, today was a good day, and I was worried that this whole staying out of emotional situations would be tough.
* * *
The Bronze
The Bronze was surprisingly full for a school night. It seemed like everyone had the same idea as Xander and decided to go out Bronzing. The emotions at the tables varied from the depressed to the preternaturally happy, but most people fell somewhere in between celebration the reunion of friends at the same time as mourning their freedom.
At one table sit Buffy and Willow conversing over the music reverberating inside the teenage hangout. The girl's conversation is punctuated by the occasional laugh and drink from some sort of trendy coffee type by-product.
Their conversation is interrupted by the arrival of the third member of their evil fighting triumvirate who is dressed in loose navy cargo pants and a red and blue button up short sleeved shirt. It is the same type of clothes that Xander spent his summer training in and the clothes give him a sense of comfort and familiarity.
"Hey ladies," Xander pulls back to take an exaggerated look at the two beauties seated before him. "May I just say you two lovely women of the night look absolutely stunning this fine evening."
Xander bows slightly to the girls, which elicits a smile and a giggle, before taking a seat between the two girls. Xander joins the conversation talking about school and the classes they share and the teachers they like and the ones they would not mind seeing hit by a truck.
Buffy falls silent as she spots Angel across the room staring at her. She excuses herself and walks over toward her vampiric stalker leaving Xander and Willow to watch her from a far.
The look of defeat is apparent on Xander's face as he watches Buffy approach the Romeo to her Juliet. The look on Willow's face looks much the same as she watches Xander's face.
"What do you think they're talking about," asks the quiet red head.
"I don't know," answers Xander, "I bet they are planning their after summer slaying-make-out session."
"Would that be so bad," asks Willow trying to reach her friend, " I mean if he makes her happy then we should be happy for her right?"
Xander watches the couple across the room for a few more seconds noticing that they appear to be fighting. He tears his gaze away from the unfolding scene and looks at Willow his eyes speaking of great sorrow.
"I guess that would be true if Angel could actually make her happy," answers Xander with a sad look on his face. "I watch those two and how they act around each other and I don't see happiness. All I can see is the impending disaster that lies in wait for them in the future. The two are enemies on the molecular level, and they're future can only hold pain and heartache for both of them. I wish I could help her, but Buffy would never forgive me if I didn't let her make her own decision on this no matter how hard it is to watch."
The young man's shoulders slump in defeat as if the weight of the situation's inevitability is too much to bear. Xander forcibly pushes aside his feelings placing them with the rest of his problems he has had this week so that he can work through them during a later training session. Xander's posture comes back to normal, which is slightly slouched, and he forces his smile back on his face.
Willow was left speechless at her friend's response. The change in her friend's demeanor was so quick that she asks herself if she didn't imagine it. It is a side of her friend that she has only seen once in a great while and just like now it would leave without a trace. Willow's heart bleeds for her friend and breaks over the knowledge that he was thinking of Buffy at the time.
Willow's train of thought is broken by the return of the blonde slayer. Buffy looks angry and walks with an unknown purpose. Her intention is made known when she reaches the table and asks Xander to dance. Without waiting for a response she grabs the front of the young man's shirt pulling him out of his seat and on to the dance floor.
The two make their way to the middle of the dance floor as a slow song begins to play. Xander is about to ask Buffy if she wants to wait for a different song, but his question is stopped when Buffy wraps her arms around his neck and begins to sway slowly to the rhythm of the music.
Xander's head swims as Buffy begins to increase the sensuality of her movements and as the amount of contact between the two bodies increased and her hands start to caress his body. Happy confusion. It is the only way that Xander can describe what he is feeling now. He does not know why she is dancing with him but he is too afraid to ask for fear that the moment will dissolve away leaving only the memory like an amazing dream.
Buffy leans in close to Xander's ear and whispers softly, "Xander? Did I ever thank you for saving my life?"
Xander's heart skips a beat as his mind plays those words over in his head and he can only respond with a whispered, "No."
Buffy runs her hand over his chest as she whispers again; "Don't you wish I would?"
And with that she is gone like smoke in the wind leaving Xander alone in the middle of the dance floor. His happiness has faded leaving him only with confusion as everything comes together with a resounding crash. Everything makes sense: the fight, the dance, and her intentions wash over him in a wave of pain and sorrow.
The people around Xander are struck by the aftershock as he begins to project his pain to those around him. Those around him stop dancing all together and look at each other not sure what is happening to them. Xander rushes toward the exit and the crowd parts before him, as more people are struck by their empathy with the hurting teen.
Xander makes it out the door and begins to run not knowing where he is going and not caring either. The pain fuels him as his body tries to release some of the power rolling around inside of him so that it can deal with it. His mind only comprehends the wind on his face, the pounding of feet on the ground, and the beating of his heart.
Unknown to Xander he has found himself running through a graveyard and is completely unaware of the amount of pain and sorrow he is releasing into the night air. It is like a giant 'Eat at Xander's' sign surrounded by neon lights pointing directly to his jugular.
The young man weaves through the trees and hurdle the headstones working on an animalistic instinct found deep within his heart and soul. It is the same way a person knows that danger is imminent, the feeling a person has on the back of their neck and the pit of their stomach except Xander is tapped directly into this feeling reacting without thought and seeing without eyes.
His lack of thought means that the young man is taken completely by surprise when his body comes to a grinding halt and his consciousness returns with the sudden intensity of an arctic wind.
Xander's surprise at his own actions is secondary as he notices five vampires have surrounded him, and the looks on their faces imply that they are just as surprised by the sudden turn in events as Xander.
Xander straightens up calmly as he reaches into his pant's front pockets. Xander had modified his pants slightly by cutting holes in his pockets so that he can access the harnesses wrapped around his legs, which hold two stakes tightly to his thighs.
Xander is still putting out emotions like a light bulb, but his pain is being replaced by a rage born from pain. It does not roll and froth inside him like his anger normally would, this is different, it is still and calm like a pond in the dead of winter frozen on the outside giving no hint of what lies underneath.
A calm before the storm is the only way Xander can describe what he is feeling. He speaks no warning to the vampires knowing that it is useless and because he needs this to happen. Xander unstraps the stakes from their harnesses pulling the pointed and jagged wood from his pockets. The vampires are beyond surprised as the young man before they proceeds to place his two stakes inside the waist band of his pants freeing up his hands before crossing his arms in front of his chest.
Xander waits enjoying the calm of the situation and reveling in the sharp edges of his pain. The quiet of the moment is broken by a growl emitted from deep within the throat of the vampire directly behind the quiet teen alerting him of the demon's intent, but Xander does not move to react as the vampire springs toward him.
At least Xander does not react right away. He calmly turns to face his assailant reaching for a stake with his right hand. Xander gracefully avoids the violent rush by calmly side stepping the vampire keeping the monster in front of him. Xander's right leg trips the vampire launching the beast forward with Xander's left hand adding distance and momentum to the fall, and Xander drives his stake into the still heart of his foe. The body flies toward another vampire with Xander hot on his trail. As the flying vampire approaches one of his brethren his body transforms into dust entering the other unfortunate vampire's eyes causing them to water temporarily blurring his vision and permanently sealing his fate.
Xander dispenses death to the blinded vampire quickly and without pretense leaving only three vampires to contend with. Two vampires rush the young man from either side hoping to split his attention and score a wicked hit to put the odds in their favor, but the two's plan has an inherent flaw in it. By the time they are close enough to strike Xander has executed a forward role underneath the two attacks and comes out of the somersault in front of the lone vampire with his stake leading.
The sound of the vampire changing into dust echoes through the night telling the quiet evening of another triumph and sounding a death toll for the fallen demon. The two remaining demon turn to the young man who still has not lost his hard edge, and who is still waiting for the ice to break and for his rage to be let out.
Letting out roars of defiance and anger the two rush Xander who calmly slips his stake back into his pants and readies himself to receive the coming wave. Xander is fighting with the calmness and finality of his heart not moving with the same kinetic energy as he normally possesses. Xander moves minimally deciding to block the strikes launched at him instead of dodging and refraining from countering.
All the while the dead eyes begin to grow with new life as the layer of icy pain laying over his anger and rage begins to thaw and melt away with each accepted blow. Xander's moves gain momentum as his blocks turn into small counter-attacks. With the suddenness of a bolt of lightning Xander's hands snap outward connecting with the vampire's deformed faces throwing the two demons backward two steps.
Using his newfound room Xander reaches for a stake and snaps his hand out like a cobra letting the stake fly toward the dark heart of one of the vampires. The stake finds its mark leaving one stunned vampire and one burning mad warrior.
With a cry full of anger and pain Xander launches himself at his last opponent with ferocity that far surpasses the vampire's earlier efforts. The vampire tries to defend himself but his supernatural speed can not stand up to the fury of blows being rained down upon the monster. Xander drives the demon back toward a large tree standing in the cemetery. The vampire continues to give ground before the onslaught until his back hits the tree breaking concentration and allowing Xander to land a number of blows the vampire's head stunning the beast.
The vampire tries to swipe at Xander's face but he blocks the strike with his arm and brings his other arm around to viciously break the offending appendage. Xander follows the strike by driving his stake into the vampire's shoulder driving through the tendons and flesh before the stake is stopped by the tree behind the vampire.
Xander lifts the vampire's other arm and breaks it as well before follow up again with a stake through the shoulder and into the tree behind the wailing demon. Xander steps back to look at the vampire, whose is stuck against the tree, and its arms are hanging lifelessly at its side.
The monster begins to cry for mercy, but his pleas fall on deaf ears as Xander steps forward with the intent of releasing the rest of his rage upon the pathetic demon. Xander's eyes are focused on the chest of the beast, more specifically the area where the demon's evil heart lies dead an affront to the world. Xander steps forward and begins to rain blows down upon the demon's chest in a wide circle around the area over the heart. With each broken rib Xander's rage is lessened, and he slowly brings the circle of pain in tighter and tighter drawing closer and closer to his ultimate goal.
After a few more laps around the contracting circle Xander's blows fall directly on his acquired target, but his blows do not slow and his intensity does not lessen as the blows continue to fall with a pounding rhythm. The vampire's cries for death do not reach Xander as he feels the spot he is pounding grow softer and softer under each hit.
Xander's rage finally plays itself out leaving the young man winded and the vampire's torso a mangled mess of protruding bones and flowing blood. Xander finally grants the demon the release of death dropping the stake he used to the ground not wanting to look at the bloodied weapon. Xander makes it about five steps toward his home before he collapses onto his hands and knees and purges himself of all of his residual pain along with the contents of his stomach. The tears that follow are like a soothing balm to the young man's soul as he finds comfort and strength in the act of supposed weakness.
Xander makes it home without incident and falls onto his bed fully clothed and dead tired, but before he falls into the comforting embrace of sleep he decides that his abilities will remain a secret for only him to know and for him alone to carry. He concludes that since his friends only know the goofy happy Xander that it will be easier for all involved if they go on thinking that. Sleep finally claims the young man and he falls into the dreamless sleep found by the exhausted.
End Chapter 6.