From the Desk of Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts School of
Witchcraft and Wizardry
Re: REQUEST FOR DEFENCE AGAINST THE DARK ARTS TEACHING POSITION
Dear Professor Snape,
Thank you for your application regarding the Defence Against the Dark Arts position for the upcoming fall term at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I was extremely pleased to receive your application and add it to the four-foot high pile of your previous applications, before setting fire to them and laughing like a maniac far into the night, as is in compliance with school regulations.
Unfortunately, we cannot accept your application at this time, due to the position being filled this summer by a Mr. Herman J. Cleveland, who is currently employed part time at Big Danny's House of Luxury Tuxedos and Auto Repair. Mr. Cleveland assures me that he is well-versed in the knowledge of the Dark Arts, as well as in the art of hot-wiring cars and making a particularly potent cocktail from an orange, half a glass of tomato juice, a wool sock and twenty ounces of engine coolant. Mr. Cleveland will also continue his Tuxedo/Auto Repair floor job during the school year, so that in his absence from school, his classes will be taught by an especially intelligent pair of pants I found jammed between the wall and the washing machine last week.
We would like to assure you that your continued applications have not gone unnoticed within the school's records, and that, should Professor Cleveland choose to retire or turn himself in at any time in the future, we will certainly review your former applications for one last laugh, before handing them over to my personal psychiatrist, who frankly believes that your requests for this position are nothing more than a desperate cry for love and acceptance from your peers. He also believes your current hairstyle is a poorly veiled sign that you are estranged from your family, but I have a hard time swallowing that last one, as most of the faculty is firmly under the belief that you have no family and were in fact cloned from Viola Swamp.
I would like to personally thank you for taking the time to submit yet another application, and compliment you on your continued dedication to quality by writing your resume completely in human blood. I assure you that as soon as I find out whose blood it was, I will thoroughly soak your resume in water and wring it vigorously into a jar, in case your victim(s) require their blood to be returned.
As for your future lawsuits against the school, I will of course be validating the basis for your claims, and would like to warn you in advance that the ball of string has a defence team that could kick your ass and call you Susan in five seconds flat, so don't go there. Switzerland, on the other hand, should be a piece of cake.
Once again, thank you for taking an interest both in the Dark Arts position and in making yourself look like a hopeless loser. I remain,
Yours truly,
Albus Dumbledore
P.S. I want my Radiohead CDs back, so just stick them on my desk when you're done.
Re: REQUEST FOR DEFENCE AGAINST THE DARK ARTS TEACHING POSITION
Dear Professor Snape,
Thank you for your application regarding the Defence Against the Dark Arts position for the upcoming fall term at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I was extremely pleased to receive your application and add it to the four-foot high pile of your previous applications, before setting fire to them and laughing like a maniac far into the night, as is in compliance with school regulations.
Unfortunately, we cannot accept your application at this time, due to the position being filled this summer by a Mr. Herman J. Cleveland, who is currently employed part time at Big Danny's House of Luxury Tuxedos and Auto Repair. Mr. Cleveland assures me that he is well-versed in the knowledge of the Dark Arts, as well as in the art of hot-wiring cars and making a particularly potent cocktail from an orange, half a glass of tomato juice, a wool sock and twenty ounces of engine coolant. Mr. Cleveland will also continue his Tuxedo/Auto Repair floor job during the school year, so that in his absence from school, his classes will be taught by an especially intelligent pair of pants I found jammed between the wall and the washing machine last week.
We would like to assure you that your continued applications have not gone unnoticed within the school's records, and that, should Professor Cleveland choose to retire or turn himself in at any time in the future, we will certainly review your former applications for one last laugh, before handing them over to my personal psychiatrist, who frankly believes that your requests for this position are nothing more than a desperate cry for love and acceptance from your peers. He also believes your current hairstyle is a poorly veiled sign that you are estranged from your family, but I have a hard time swallowing that last one, as most of the faculty is firmly under the belief that you have no family and were in fact cloned from Viola Swamp.
I would like to personally thank you for taking the time to submit yet another application, and compliment you on your continued dedication to quality by writing your resume completely in human blood. I assure you that as soon as I find out whose blood it was, I will thoroughly soak your resume in water and wring it vigorously into a jar, in case your victim(s) require their blood to be returned.
As for your future lawsuits against the school, I will of course be validating the basis for your claims, and would like to warn you in advance that the ball of string has a defence team that could kick your ass and call you Susan in five seconds flat, so don't go there. Switzerland, on the other hand, should be a piece of cake.
Once again, thank you for taking an interest both in the Dark Arts position and in making yourself look like a hopeless loser. I remain,
Yours truly,
Albus Dumbledore
P.S. I want my Radiohead CDs back, so just stick them on my desk when you're done.