From the desk of Professor Severus Snape, Potions master at Hogwarts School
of Witchcraft and Wizardry
RE: REQUEST FOR DEFENCE AGAINST THE DARK ARTS POSITION
To Whom It May Concern:
Upon receiving yet another fact-filled rejection letter from you, I promptly filed it with the other seven hundred letters in my wastebasket under "Moron." I would like to thank you for taking the time to send a reply so quickly. I'm amazed at the promptness and efficiency of your submissions staff, which was helpful enough to send a rejection letter before the ink on my proposal had quite finished drying. I'm certain you psychic bastards will find my proposal most informative once you DO receive it, and will feel completely justified in rejecting me beforehand.
However, I would like to resubmit my proposal under different terms, regarding the questionable recent action of hiring a one "Professor Cleveland" to my future job position. Since receiving your highly amusing and sometimes illegible rejection, I took it upon myself to visit Professor Cleveland and welcome him to the staff of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Finding him not at his place of work, I apparated over to his home, where I stood ominously over his bedside in the darkest shadows until, sensing my foreboding presence, he awoke.
The professor struck me as a most engaging individual, with more than a slight phobia of vampires. After persuading him that I was not, in fact, on a mission to suck his blood (a fact that unfortunately, was not supported by my appearance or wardrobe or utterly non-menacing habit of baring my teeth at him every five minutes), I had a very entertaining visit with Professor Cleveland and can only wish him the best of luck in the future.
I must admit it was a great pleasure in meeting Professor Cleveland first- hand before the coming school year, and you may rest assured that I feel nothing but the deepest concern to recently hear that, after my short visit to his house, Professor Cleveland awoke later in the night and while exiting his bed, tripped and fell onto no less than forty-seven different sharp objects and a bottle of rat poison. I have great faith, however, in Professor Cleveland's constitution and do not doubt that he will recover in a matter of months.
In the meantime, I am resubmitting my proposal for the position per the current professor's absence, and in light of the fact that I have since located Professor Cleveland's replacement teacher, stonewashed it and cut it up into a very comfortable pair of shorts. In case you wondered, I also have gained possession of some very compromising photos concerning the ball of string, and am placing them under the security of my lawyers for future use.
I trust that you will look more favorably upon my proposal this time around, as I would hate to see any future substitute Dark Arts teachers turned into equally comfortable pairs of shorts. If you need to contact me, I can be reached on the school's front lawn, doing a victory dance. I remain,
Yours truly,
Severus Snape
P.S. You'll get your bloody CDs back when I'm done ripping them onto my iMac and not a minute before, bitch.
RE: REQUEST FOR DEFENCE AGAINST THE DARK ARTS POSITION
To Whom It May Concern:
Upon receiving yet another fact-filled rejection letter from you, I promptly filed it with the other seven hundred letters in my wastebasket under "Moron." I would like to thank you for taking the time to send a reply so quickly. I'm amazed at the promptness and efficiency of your submissions staff, which was helpful enough to send a rejection letter before the ink on my proposal had quite finished drying. I'm certain you psychic bastards will find my proposal most informative once you DO receive it, and will feel completely justified in rejecting me beforehand.
However, I would like to resubmit my proposal under different terms, regarding the questionable recent action of hiring a one "Professor Cleveland" to my future job position. Since receiving your highly amusing and sometimes illegible rejection, I took it upon myself to visit Professor Cleveland and welcome him to the staff of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Finding him not at his place of work, I apparated over to his home, where I stood ominously over his bedside in the darkest shadows until, sensing my foreboding presence, he awoke.
The professor struck me as a most engaging individual, with more than a slight phobia of vampires. After persuading him that I was not, in fact, on a mission to suck his blood (a fact that unfortunately, was not supported by my appearance or wardrobe or utterly non-menacing habit of baring my teeth at him every five minutes), I had a very entertaining visit with Professor Cleveland and can only wish him the best of luck in the future.
I must admit it was a great pleasure in meeting Professor Cleveland first- hand before the coming school year, and you may rest assured that I feel nothing but the deepest concern to recently hear that, after my short visit to his house, Professor Cleveland awoke later in the night and while exiting his bed, tripped and fell onto no less than forty-seven different sharp objects and a bottle of rat poison. I have great faith, however, in Professor Cleveland's constitution and do not doubt that he will recover in a matter of months.
In the meantime, I am resubmitting my proposal for the position per the current professor's absence, and in light of the fact that I have since located Professor Cleveland's replacement teacher, stonewashed it and cut it up into a very comfortable pair of shorts. In case you wondered, I also have gained possession of some very compromising photos concerning the ball of string, and am placing them under the security of my lawyers for future use.
I trust that you will look more favorably upon my proposal this time around, as I would hate to see any future substitute Dark Arts teachers turned into equally comfortable pairs of shorts. If you need to contact me, I can be reached on the school's front lawn, doing a victory dance. I remain,
Yours truly,
Severus Snape
P.S. You'll get your bloody CDs back when I'm done ripping them onto my iMac and not a minute before, bitch.