From the desk of Professor Severus Snape, Potions Master at Hogwarts School
of Witchcraft and Wizardry
RE: REQUEST FOR DEFENCE AGAINST THE DARK ARTS POSITION
To Whom It May Concern:
Having received your last letter and filed in my stomach under "Lunch," I immediately went around to Professor Door's chambers to assist him in any way I could with the new course material for the coming school year. Professor Door is, in all honesty, a most charming individual, and fully possessed of the knowledge required for the position to which he was appointed. As such, it is with a very heavy heart that I must inform you of recent sad events.
It seems that Professor Door was suffering from Bi-Doorlar disorder, a much unfortunate disease that infests the very fibres and crossgrains of one's mental being, causing them to swing between moods of high euphoria and darkest depression. On several occasions during the last week, I met the professor at various places on the school grounds, repeatedly slamming himself open and closed and rebuking himself out loud rather harshly. My efforts to calm him were of no use, as he would immediately depart for his quarters and not be seen for hours at a time. Although most people know only the jovial, carefree individual that Professor Door portrayed himself as, few knew of his mental deficiencies, which he strove so desperately to hide.
In light of this fact, it came as no surprise to me when, knocking at his door earlier today so that I might pick up the rather demeaning little fez hat he had intended me to wear while assisting him, I was confronted by a most shocking sight. Professor Door had apparently succumbed to one of his blacker depressions during the night, and had lynched himself over his bed from a light fixture.
I sincerely regret to be the bearer of bad tidings during this time of bereavement, and I will do my best to fill the recently vacated position with the same spirit and determination that I am sure Professor Door would have given, had he lived to see the dawn. Funeral services will be held by the wood-chipper out back of the green house at ten a.m. tomorrow, and I will of course deliver to you the note and estate papers he left, as well as the ball of string he used to hang himself.
My deepest condolences go out to you during this time.
Yours truly,
Severus Snape
P.S. $N4P3 RUL3$.
RE: REQUEST FOR DEFENCE AGAINST THE DARK ARTS POSITION
To Whom It May Concern:
Having received your last letter and filed in my stomach under "Lunch," I immediately went around to Professor Door's chambers to assist him in any way I could with the new course material for the coming school year. Professor Door is, in all honesty, a most charming individual, and fully possessed of the knowledge required for the position to which he was appointed. As such, it is with a very heavy heart that I must inform you of recent sad events.
It seems that Professor Door was suffering from Bi-Doorlar disorder, a much unfortunate disease that infests the very fibres and crossgrains of one's mental being, causing them to swing between moods of high euphoria and darkest depression. On several occasions during the last week, I met the professor at various places on the school grounds, repeatedly slamming himself open and closed and rebuking himself out loud rather harshly. My efforts to calm him were of no use, as he would immediately depart for his quarters and not be seen for hours at a time. Although most people know only the jovial, carefree individual that Professor Door portrayed himself as, few knew of his mental deficiencies, which he strove so desperately to hide.
In light of this fact, it came as no surprise to me when, knocking at his door earlier today so that I might pick up the rather demeaning little fez hat he had intended me to wear while assisting him, I was confronted by a most shocking sight. Professor Door had apparently succumbed to one of his blacker depressions during the night, and had lynched himself over his bed from a light fixture.
I sincerely regret to be the bearer of bad tidings during this time of bereavement, and I will do my best to fill the recently vacated position with the same spirit and determination that I am sure Professor Door would have given, had he lived to see the dawn. Funeral services will be held by the wood-chipper out back of the green house at ten a.m. tomorrow, and I will of course deliver to you the note and estate papers he left, as well as the ball of string he used to hang himself.
My deepest condolences go out to you during this time.
Yours truly,
Severus Snape
P.S. $N4P3 RUL3$.