From the desk of Professor Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster at Hogwarts School
of Witchcraft and Wizardry
RE: REQUEST FOR DEFENCE AGAINST THE DARK ARTS POSITION
Dear Professor Snape,
It is with great difficulty that I write this response to your latest proposal. You have, of course, heard the news by now that Professor Door is no longer with us. The entire school feels a marked sense of emptiness (and a slight draft in my office) since this upstanding member of our faculty was chipped to rest last week. I am sure the Professor Door's short but brilliant legacy will be remembered by all, as both a respected teacher and a large sheet of wood that can slammed for emphasis by angry persons exiting a room. For now, we have only the small tokens he left us to comfort in his wake. . . a deed to some real estate in Majorca, a suicide note written in other people's blood and a suspiciously non- communicative ball of string.
But onto a fresh start and a new day ahead! It is what Professor Door would have wanted. . .to move past the trauma of our loss, and onto the business of not hiring you. We can only respect his wishes and put our best foot forward, even in times of grief.
I have, since the tragic loss of our latest Dark Arts teacher, gone over your proposal, which has most helpfully been written in sharpie marker all over my office wall and in my private bathroom. I sense that I may not be able to find a better substitute for the job than you, and feel that, after many years of dedicated service to the school, you deserve to be awarded the position of Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher.
There is, however, one unfortunate stipulation.
Due to an incredibly old and possibly made-up school regulation, all candidates for the Defence Against the Dark Arts position must go on a terrifying and potentially suicidal mission of utter peril, deep within the caverns beneath the school, to seek out and bring back the Purple Zoowalash. The Purple Zoowalash was sealed into a secret cavern underneath the school's foundations many thousands of years ago. Its powers are vast and infinite, but it is most notably known within antiquidated records for its amazing ability of turning ordinary metal into chocolate syrup, and everything else into useless balls of string.
This is a task that has been set before every Dark Arts candidate, starting with you and ending right after you fail your ass off and crawl back to your worthless Potions job. The task may indeed take you weeks, even months, to complete, and I expect a full report by letter of every aspect of your journey. Safe journey to you and be sure to write regularly! The staff has already started a betting pool on how you're going to die, and as soon as we can figure out if strangling and suffocating go in the same category, we'll cut you in on the bet.
Truly Yours,
Headmaster Albus Dumbledore
P.S. DUM8L3D0R3 R0X0R$.
********************
Sounds like Snape's off on a magical journey under the school, unless he decides to just kill everyone and elect himself King of Hogwarts.
In case you weren't aware, you can direct your love and/or hatred of Snape to www.livejournal.com/~SeviSays, home of the new Sevi Says, Snape's personal advice column. He's ready to answer all of your burning questions about life.or at least mock them heavily.in a site that's compltely unrelated to this story and not an all an infraction of the rules. (
-Das Author
RE: REQUEST FOR DEFENCE AGAINST THE DARK ARTS POSITION
Dear Professor Snape,
It is with great difficulty that I write this response to your latest proposal. You have, of course, heard the news by now that Professor Door is no longer with us. The entire school feels a marked sense of emptiness (and a slight draft in my office) since this upstanding member of our faculty was chipped to rest last week. I am sure the Professor Door's short but brilliant legacy will be remembered by all, as both a respected teacher and a large sheet of wood that can slammed for emphasis by angry persons exiting a room. For now, we have only the small tokens he left us to comfort in his wake. . . a deed to some real estate in Majorca, a suicide note written in other people's blood and a suspiciously non- communicative ball of string.
But onto a fresh start and a new day ahead! It is what Professor Door would have wanted. . .to move past the trauma of our loss, and onto the business of not hiring you. We can only respect his wishes and put our best foot forward, even in times of grief.
I have, since the tragic loss of our latest Dark Arts teacher, gone over your proposal, which has most helpfully been written in sharpie marker all over my office wall and in my private bathroom. I sense that I may not be able to find a better substitute for the job than you, and feel that, after many years of dedicated service to the school, you deserve to be awarded the position of Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher.
There is, however, one unfortunate stipulation.
Due to an incredibly old and possibly made-up school regulation, all candidates for the Defence Against the Dark Arts position must go on a terrifying and potentially suicidal mission of utter peril, deep within the caverns beneath the school, to seek out and bring back the Purple Zoowalash. The Purple Zoowalash was sealed into a secret cavern underneath the school's foundations many thousands of years ago. Its powers are vast and infinite, but it is most notably known within antiquidated records for its amazing ability of turning ordinary metal into chocolate syrup, and everything else into useless balls of string.
This is a task that has been set before every Dark Arts candidate, starting with you and ending right after you fail your ass off and crawl back to your worthless Potions job. The task may indeed take you weeks, even months, to complete, and I expect a full report by letter of every aspect of your journey. Safe journey to you and be sure to write regularly! The staff has already started a betting pool on how you're going to die, and as soon as we can figure out if strangling and suffocating go in the same category, we'll cut you in on the bet.
Truly Yours,
Headmaster Albus Dumbledore
P.S. DUM8L3D0R3 R0X0R$.
********************
Sounds like Snape's off on a magical journey under the school, unless he decides to just kill everyone and elect himself King of Hogwarts.
In case you weren't aware, you can direct your love and/or hatred of Snape to www.livejournal.com/~SeviSays, home of the new Sevi Says, Snape's personal advice column. He's ready to answer all of your burning questions about life.or at least mock them heavily.in a site that's compltely unrelated to this story and not an all an infraction of the rules. (
-Das Author