From the desk of Professor Severus Snape, Potions master at Hogwarts School
of Witchcraft and Wizardry
RE: REQUEST FOR DEFENCE AGAINST THE DARK ARTS POSITION
To Whom It May Concern:
After unsuccessfully trying to find the school records room to see whether your claims of this new "Dark Arts teacher applicant task" were, in fact, up date (and not completely pulled out of the fattest part of your ass, as I am inclined to suspect), I was forced to ask some of the other professors whether they were aware of this rule or not.
Professor Flitwick seemed the most interested in relating information about the Zoowalash to me. He informed me that he had once applied for the Dark Arts job himself, and that he had journeyed underground, far beneath the foundations of the school, to find the Zoolawash and return it to the school's possession. He had been unsuccessful, however, as his progress through the caverns was impeded by a mysterious clan of feral laundry that had been lost in the washroom and eventually made its way underground, via the lint trap ventilators. Professor Flitwick also warned me that the way to the Zoowalash was treacherous, that I should be careful to use the Zoowalash but not be used by It, and that anything I say can and may be used against me in a court of fish. Then he flapped his arms and flew away. That man does more acid than anyone I know.
So it seems I have no choice but to go along with your insane crap and journey down under the school for the purple Zoowalash. I have no doubt that I shall be successful, and that I will easily earn the Defence Against the Dark Arts position upon my return, as well as some long-awaited mad props. I shall, per your request, keep in constant contact by letter and ask permission to bring one of the school owls with me in order to deliver them. I have also been appointed the task of running a muggle advice column by mail, as befits Sarah Noble's wishes. I abhor doing it, but she has threatened to publish certain pictures of my recent ski weekend in Aspen with the ball of string.
I would ask only that you appoint a house-elf to keep my chambers and study in order, as well as clean up these mysterious shreds of wood I keep finding in my office. And if anyone has recently lost a rather badly scuffed doorknob, I'm leaving on the coffee table in the teacher's lounge for them to pick up.
Yours truly,
Severus Snape
P.S. I swear I'll get you for this, you rat bastard. Your and your crApple 386. This is ONE error report you will choose NOT to send to Microsoft.
P.P.S. $N4P3 $T1LL RUL3$!!
RE: REQUEST FOR DEFENCE AGAINST THE DARK ARTS POSITION
To Whom It May Concern:
After unsuccessfully trying to find the school records room to see whether your claims of this new "Dark Arts teacher applicant task" were, in fact, up date (and not completely pulled out of the fattest part of your ass, as I am inclined to suspect), I was forced to ask some of the other professors whether they were aware of this rule or not.
Professor Flitwick seemed the most interested in relating information about the Zoowalash to me. He informed me that he had once applied for the Dark Arts job himself, and that he had journeyed underground, far beneath the foundations of the school, to find the Zoolawash and return it to the school's possession. He had been unsuccessful, however, as his progress through the caverns was impeded by a mysterious clan of feral laundry that had been lost in the washroom and eventually made its way underground, via the lint trap ventilators. Professor Flitwick also warned me that the way to the Zoowalash was treacherous, that I should be careful to use the Zoowalash but not be used by It, and that anything I say can and may be used against me in a court of fish. Then he flapped his arms and flew away. That man does more acid than anyone I know.
So it seems I have no choice but to go along with your insane crap and journey down under the school for the purple Zoowalash. I have no doubt that I shall be successful, and that I will easily earn the Defence Against the Dark Arts position upon my return, as well as some long-awaited mad props. I shall, per your request, keep in constant contact by letter and ask permission to bring one of the school owls with me in order to deliver them. I have also been appointed the task of running a muggle advice column by mail, as befits Sarah Noble's wishes. I abhor doing it, but she has threatened to publish certain pictures of my recent ski weekend in Aspen with the ball of string.
I would ask only that you appoint a house-elf to keep my chambers and study in order, as well as clean up these mysterious shreds of wood I keep finding in my office. And if anyone has recently lost a rather badly scuffed doorknob, I'm leaving on the coffee table in the teacher's lounge for them to pick up.
Yours truly,
Severus Snape
P.S. I swear I'll get you for this, you rat bastard. Your and your crApple 386. This is ONE error report you will choose NOT to send to Microsoft.
P.P.S. $N4P3 $T1LL RUL3$!!