Lewd Acts of Insanity
Chapter 14
If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
Paul Beatty
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Sango and Miroku came out of the water and dressed, blushing like crazy. "Well...um...we should find Shippou." Sango stated lamely, trying not to make eye contact with the silent monk.
The two walked towards the sight they had left the arrogant little kitsune to flex.his oo so large muscles.
When they arrived at the site they were shocked to see Cassie the little fox demon with Shippou. (Not with, with Shippou.just within the vicinity of him. Not touching just nearby, without physical contact..no appendages were making skin to skin contact, she was a separate entity of him not within his own personal sphere.)
"Your pants are on backwards."
*****
Kagome sat on the ground, shivering with fear. Tears threatened to drop from her glistening eyes. She could see the horror unfolding before her, but tried desperately to keep her eyes down, hoping not to be noticed.
Ruffling could be heard as the beast moved closer, moving in a jerky, hopping motion. Its stench, something that smelt like moldy death, wafted its way into Kagome's small nose.
"Yetka.are u done dressing yet?" (AN: I am afraid)
*****
*How dare that bitch. Trying to subdue my ass, how the fuck dare she. What the fuck is it with her, trying to put me on a damned leash? I'll show her who the fucking man around here is. Fucking that's right, I'm going to be fucking her till the cows come home; everyone knows make up sex is the best! Not that we're going to make up or anything.* (an: and people try to tell me men don't have pms!)
Inuyasha flew through the trees, his anger mounting, taking over any of the hurt he felt at her betrayal.
"How could she do that?" He closed his eyes, as he ran. Suddenly there was no branch beneath him. (an: long run, short branch.bad karma Inuyasha!)
The sky opened up as he saw the light. The beautiful light..from those damn seven Spanish angles."Fuck you Willie Nelson!" Was all Inuyasha said before his body got intimate with the ground.
But He landed on his head..so everything was okay.
Inuyasha lay on the ground watching the little Fluffys' in tutus dance about his head, waving there little glittery wands.
While lying there contemplating the purpose of life and the expanse of the universe (an: are u buying this?) Inuyasha thought back to that mourning.laying there basking in the afterglow, then the second time was even better. (an: 5.2 seconds! It is tru! Men think about sex a lot for not getting it that often.)
Two shadows approached. "Aw come on, how about a sing along!" An obnoxiously exuberant voice entreated. (an: 3 big words! In one sentence!)
"No ogres do not sing, donkey!" A heavy accented voice responded. Through a concussion induced haze, Inuyasha swatted the tutu wearing Fluffys' away and tried to look at the two strange creatures approaching.
One was small and had four legs; it appeared to be a very ugly horse.
The other one was big and looked like something Shippou pulled out of his nose once.
**** "Your pants are on backwards." Said Shippou to a stupefied Sango.
Sango still in shock of seeing the little girl fox demon didn't quite register what Shippou said.
"My wha." She looked down, and sure enough, her pants were on backwards.
Her face turned a stunning shade of red in matter of seconds. She dashed off into the woods to fix her clothing.
Miroku watched her go, a sardonic smile gracing his lips.
Shippou moved closer to Miroku and flashed him a cocky, shit eating grin. "So I guess your going to get that baby after all."
Miroku beamed. "Yeah I guess she caved to my charm, I mean she was all over me." (an: sadly enough this is true.pink fruit anyone?)
Cassie smiled from her position near Shippou, Her cloak fanning out around her as she sat on the ground.
"Yeah, that sure was funny, her attacking you like that. But I guess no woman could resist us manly men" With that said he flexed. Cassie's smile widened.
"Yeah I mean, who was she fooling, I know she liked it when I touched, she'd get all hot and bothered about. She just didn't want the others to know." There was a tap on his shoulder.
Miroku's face plummeted; there were bruises and no sex in his immediate future. He turned slowly to be met with the angry eyes of a woman scorned. She was going to kill him for talking about her in such a ..guy way. (an: Boys are dumb!)
She tackled him, bringing the taller man down easily. Cassie jumped to her feet her eyes sparkling with excitement. Shippou stepped up beside her watching the action.
Sango landed on top of Miroku and began to pummel him. Suddenly Cassie hooted with glee. "That's right smack that bitch up!" She shouted to Sango. She tore off her cloak to reveal a leather outfit, complete with studs and a whip that hung from her waist.
Sango stopped staring wide eyed at the perplexing sight. "Come on girl, we'll show these boys a little something about pleasure and pain!" With that said she cracked her whip.
Then Cassie turned her attention to a pale Shippou. "Come on my hairy little animal I'm going to ride you like a pony." She tried moving closer to him but he backed away eying her like the black plague. He looked to Sango and Miroku for help. "I don't want to be a pony." He hissed through clenched teeth.
Miroku looked like he wanted to break down laughing, but didn't as Sango's knee found its way to a slightly perky appendage.
Cassie leaped at Shippou and he leaped away landing on top of Miroku's head. Shippou tore off into the night, Cassie following screaming obscenities and threats of bits, chains and candle wax. (an: kids these days)
Sango let Miroku up and they started after the kitsune's in hopes of saving Shippou from the leather queen's wrath. ****
Yetka had finished dressing, much to Kagome's relief. Kagome still sat quietly contemplating her life, her pregnancy, the look in Inuyasha's. Had she really betrayed him.Nah.
He was the one who wasn't going to let her go home; he was the one who bit her! He was the one who got her pregnant! So no, she wasn't betraying him, she was leveling the playing field. He could pick her up and carry her around like a sack of potatoes, easily overpowering her. And if he wasn't going to respect her and her wishes to go home.when she pleased.then he was just going to have to deal with the consequences. The gloves were off. He was going to get that fucking necklace around, his scrawny little neck if she had to beat him senseless, drug him or seduce him to do it! (an: hmmm I wander which one of these he wouldn't mind?)
Alls fair in love and war..and this was war!
Kagome contented herself to imaging how many times she could say sit in a minute, and how many times she could hear Inuyasha back crack before she felt the slightest bit of guilt for it.
She didn't notice Yetka looking disdaining at her thinning hair. (an: on her head anyway, her armpits another story.)
Yetka started to glance at Kagome's hair in an envious way. "I used to have hair like yours." She said in strange tone. Kagome smiled politely then continued in her thoughts of Inu torture.
"I used to have hair, just like that." She reached out a thin ragged finger to Kagome's raven hair. Kagome raised her eyebrows and watched the decent of the nasty finger.
It moved closer, and she moved farther, until finally she was practically bending over backwards. Panicked seeped into Kagome's brain, run run it said. So she did, she did a quick roll to the side then crawled though Yetka's legs to escape. An act she regretted. Trying to get through that woman's leg hair was like trying to get through a pricker bush!
"You stole my hair!" The old woman howled. She whirled on Kagome, her dull eyes sparking with some strange light. "Your nuts!' Kagome yelled, dashing towards a footpath in the woods.
"Give me back my hair you wretched harlot!"
"Buy a vowel you old coot! I didn't steal your hair!" Kagome yelled over her shoulder. The woman was gaining on her. Wasn't she supposed to have arthritis or something by her age? "Hair stealer!"
"Crazy gorilla legged woman!" Kagome shot back, wishing she had her bow and arrows.
"Infidel!" The old woman shrieked, moving exceptionally fast in her traditional clothing, her hairy legs whipping up from under her robe.
"Shaving impaired!" (an: that's right we're politically correct in this fic)
***** Inuyasha picked himself up off the ground to look at the two creatures standing before him.
The ugly horse moved foreword. "Awwww Shrek check it, he's so cute, yes you are aren't you a little cute puppy, why look at those ears." Inuyasha stared incredulously as the nasty thing began to coo at him as if he were still a pup. The big ogre stepped forward. "Are you a demon?" Inuyasha crossed his arms over his chest in defiant fashion. "What if I am?" Shrek smiled, he'd take that as a yes. "Well you see.there's this prince Farquod, who won't move all the stupid little fairy tale beasts out of my swamp until I bring him a dog demon as a pet. So."
Inuyasha started laughing obnoxiously... "Me.a pet, that's going to be the fucking funniest shit I've heard all year!" (an: and yet I can picture it in my mind.taking him on walks giving him a bath.him sleeping in my bed.erm...I mean the foot of my bed!)
The green guy ran at him, surprisingly fast.
Inuyasha was confident he could defeat the green blob easily. "Hey princess, look I really don't want to have to hurt ya." The ogre broke down sobbing.
"Ermm."
Inuyasha looked toward the donkey. "What did I do?"
The donkey shook his head. "You said princess." With that Shrek started crying harder, thick trails of gooey mucus trailing from his nose. "He fell in love with a princess and she loved him back.that is until she started seeing other people. Poor Shrek just hasn't been the same."
"She left me for a puppet!" Shrek bellowed. The donkey moved over to comfort him and Inuyasha backed away.
Inuyasha slunk quietly away until he was out of their hearing range.
Donkey tried to comfort Shrek, but he just wasn't hearing it. "Why oh why would she leave me for that man whore Pinocchio anyway?"
"He has more wood?" Donkey chuckled at his own joke. Shrek however did not find it so amusing.
Shrek stood, towering over the little donkey. He reached and grabbed the small animal by the neck. "Good bye Donkey."
"Shrek no! Please, let's be reasonable here, please please NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!"
Inuyasha stopped for a moment hearing the screams. Then he shrugged it off, it really wasn't his business.
"I'm going to get you stupid demon.Ogres are like onions!" (an: you know when you eat an onion it makes that juicy crunch sound, well I always fear onions are actually bugs juicy and crunchy...not a good combo.so I never eat them)
Inuyasha took off running.
****** Kagome tripped over something in her path. "Shippou?" The small kitsune look up at her. "Kagome?"
He launched himself into her arms and she started running again.
"Who are you running from?" he asked his surrogate mother.
A winded Kagome replied. "A crazy old lady with hairy legs."
Taking in a deep breath she asked. "Who are you running from?" "A girl who wants to ride me like a pony, and she wears a lot of leather." Kagome blanched, which in turn caused her to trip. But instead of hitting the ground she felt strong arms, steady her.
"Inu...Inuyasha?"
The sounds of Yetka could be heard behind them, the ogre in front and Cassie to the side. Sango and Miroku jumped out of the bushes sidestepping the leather clad Cassie.
The five friends wordlessly formed a circle readying themselves for battle. (an: earth,fire,wind,water ,heart.with our powers combined we summon captain planet!) "Okay why are Yetka and the green goblin chasing you guys?" Miroku asked, referring to Inuyasha and Kagome.
"The green ones after me, because ...I don't know he said something about a prince Fartwad wanting a pet." Inuyasha left his explanation at that.
"Yetka's trying to kill me because she thinks I stole her hair, like she doesn't have enough.Have u seen her legs!" Sango looked at her strangely for that one. Then Kagome asked, "What's with the Madonna wannabe?"
Shippou answered. "She's crazy and she wants to ride me like a pony! A pony I tell you!"
Miroku stifled a giggle.
"Well you did it with her kid." Miroku reprimanded the young kitsune, still trying not to giggle like a school girl.
"Did it?" Kagome said aghast. "Shippou, you're just a kid! How could you be having sex?!"
"Sex!" Cried an indignant Shippou. "I just kissed her!"
Miroku's face plummeted.
"Ahem." Cassie waved her hand "remember us?"
"Yes, remember us?" Said a very evil looking ogre. Yetka was even scarier though. She was so agitated that her chest was beginning to heave and that was something no one wanted to see.
Shrek got ready to charge them. Cassie flicking her whip, Yetka.heaving.
Cassie charged for Shippou. Kagome Intervened. "Back off you little slut." Cassie tried to hit Kagome with the whip, but Kagome ripped it from the girl's hands.then held it above her heading a taunting manor.
The ogre stepping in to attack, Sango ran foreword whit her boomerang poised. "Achew!!!!!!" Shrek sneezed out a good one..green sludge hurled towards Sango. The world seemed to slow, as Mioku shouted out. "NOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!! He ran one foot flying front of the other, his clothes rustling in the breeze. With tremendous strength he leapt into the path of the vile green substance, saving Sango. (an: oh come on, enough with the dramatics already.he saved her from a boogey!)
Shippou and Kagome beamed over their triumph over the S&M tiny tot. Sango thanked Miroku for saving her. Shrek sat off a few feet complaining about something he ate.
Inuyasha.Inuyasha was..
Kagome looked to the other three companions. "Where's Inuyasha?'
Mumbling was heard from behind them. As they turned they were greeted with a sight that shall forever haunt hem. Inuyasha's head trapped within the sagging, drooping, gigantic cleavage.of Yetka! "We got to help him!" Screamed Kagome. "Who knows how long he's been in there!"
"Quick pull him out!"
"Yuck she has warts!"
"Is he still breathing?"
"There is going to be irreversible physiological damage from this"
"Oh the humanity!"
With one final tug they dislodge Inuyasha's head, from ..from...well u know.
His eyes were glazed over and he was mumbling incoherently.
"Oh Inuyasha say something please." Kagome pleaded holding him close.
Trembling Inuyasha seemed to regain some of himself. Whispering in a childlike voice he said. "I've seen the gates of hell. They are in there!" He pointed towards an indignant Yetka.
The five friends stood together, and prepared for round two.
Cassie had pulled out some "toys" that actually looked pretty threatening. Yetka was showing her cleavage to a cowering hanyou and the ogre.was having abdominal pains.
"I got a crap on board that could choke a donkey!" Shrek announced.
"This is a trio from hell." Miroku whispered to his comrades. Inuyasha watched Shrek carefully, and then recoiled in disgust as a bulge appeared in the back of his pants.
The other voiced their disgust. As Inuyasha said "Well Miroku this trio is soon to be a quartet." The bulge in the back Shrek pants was the shape of a Donkey's head, and talking.
Muffled complaints could be heard from the ogre's pants. "Shrek that vile, just vile I tell you."
"Ohhhhhh.uh ehhhh" Shreck moaned as the rest of the Donkey made it way out.
Everyone's wide eyes were on the unusual sight, mouths agape. (an: the song "Pour unfortunate souls" just came to mind..u know from the movie "The Little Mermaid")
A rather foul smelling donkey emerged from Shreks pants.
"Ugh.I feel like a shat a back street boy!" Shrek declared, then pulled out a cigarette and sat panting.
Sango turned to Kagome. "What is a Back street boy?"
Sighing Kagome turned to Sango. "A back street boy is a small man trapped in a teenage body, with bad hair, and they come from the bowels of an underground laboratory where they are cloned in America, then set out upon the innocent public."
(The five back street boys pop up. "Back streets back alright!)
(Scully and Mulder show up.)
(Bang* Bang* Bang* Bang* Bang* "Mulder were they alien?" Scully asked Mulder, both of them still standing in defensive positions, each holding a smoking gun. "No Scully, they weren't alien. But we had to do it, we had to save humanity." Scully laid her hand on Mulders arm. "I understand, they were evil incarnate, they had to be destroyed.")
"I never wanted to do any of this I just.I just want my princess back." Murmured Shrek.
Yetka looked up at him. "Love troubles you say, well I have just the cure for that. There is this pink fruit that can help you out. Come walk with me" The two started off into the woods.
"Hold up Shrek I'm coming too." The donkey bounded after them. "Hey are you a pony?"
Cassie asked. Donkey stopped. "Erm, no I'm a donkey." Cassie stepped closer to him, running a hand through his course fur. "Close enough." She said. The she slapped his ass.
"Shrek!" Donkey cried charging after his companion, the one that had eaten digested and excreted him.
"Come back I want to spank you some more!" Cried Cassie.
"Okay." Miroku looked around.
"So."
"They just left?"
"I guess."
"Cool."
All together the five of them turned around. "Kikyio." Inuyasha whispered. She stood before them, arrow aimed to fire.
"Die Inuyasha!"
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well that was the longest chapter I've ever written in my entire life!
Thankyou so much for everyone who reviewed! I'm sorry I didn't update sooner, but I've had mono.and if you don't know what that is.lets put it this way.I slept 20 hours a day for two weeks straight. It's the sleeping illness.ain't that just ducky. And major thanks to everyone who sends ideas, for the next and final chapter I already know I'm using a few, people have already sent me.
If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
Paul Beatty
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Sango and Miroku came out of the water and dressed, blushing like crazy. "Well...um...we should find Shippou." Sango stated lamely, trying not to make eye contact with the silent monk.
The two walked towards the sight they had left the arrogant little kitsune to flex.his oo so large muscles.
When they arrived at the site they were shocked to see Cassie the little fox demon with Shippou. (Not with, with Shippou.just within the vicinity of him. Not touching just nearby, without physical contact..no appendages were making skin to skin contact, she was a separate entity of him not within his own personal sphere.)
"Your pants are on backwards."
*****
Kagome sat on the ground, shivering with fear. Tears threatened to drop from her glistening eyes. She could see the horror unfolding before her, but tried desperately to keep her eyes down, hoping not to be noticed.
Ruffling could be heard as the beast moved closer, moving in a jerky, hopping motion. Its stench, something that smelt like moldy death, wafted its way into Kagome's small nose.
"Yetka.are u done dressing yet?" (AN: I am afraid)
*****
*How dare that bitch. Trying to subdue my ass, how the fuck dare she. What the fuck is it with her, trying to put me on a damned leash? I'll show her who the fucking man around here is. Fucking that's right, I'm going to be fucking her till the cows come home; everyone knows make up sex is the best! Not that we're going to make up or anything.* (an: and people try to tell me men don't have pms!)
Inuyasha flew through the trees, his anger mounting, taking over any of the hurt he felt at her betrayal.
"How could she do that?" He closed his eyes, as he ran. Suddenly there was no branch beneath him. (an: long run, short branch.bad karma Inuyasha!)
The sky opened up as he saw the light. The beautiful light..from those damn seven Spanish angles."Fuck you Willie Nelson!" Was all Inuyasha said before his body got intimate with the ground.
But He landed on his head..so everything was okay.
Inuyasha lay on the ground watching the little Fluffys' in tutus dance about his head, waving there little glittery wands.
While lying there contemplating the purpose of life and the expanse of the universe (an: are u buying this?) Inuyasha thought back to that mourning.laying there basking in the afterglow, then the second time was even better. (an: 5.2 seconds! It is tru! Men think about sex a lot for not getting it that often.)
Two shadows approached. "Aw come on, how about a sing along!" An obnoxiously exuberant voice entreated. (an: 3 big words! In one sentence!)
"No ogres do not sing, donkey!" A heavy accented voice responded. Through a concussion induced haze, Inuyasha swatted the tutu wearing Fluffys' away and tried to look at the two strange creatures approaching.
One was small and had four legs; it appeared to be a very ugly horse.
The other one was big and looked like something Shippou pulled out of his nose once.
**** "Your pants are on backwards." Said Shippou to a stupefied Sango.
Sango still in shock of seeing the little girl fox demon didn't quite register what Shippou said.
"My wha." She looked down, and sure enough, her pants were on backwards.
Her face turned a stunning shade of red in matter of seconds. She dashed off into the woods to fix her clothing.
Miroku watched her go, a sardonic smile gracing his lips.
Shippou moved closer to Miroku and flashed him a cocky, shit eating grin. "So I guess your going to get that baby after all."
Miroku beamed. "Yeah I guess she caved to my charm, I mean she was all over me." (an: sadly enough this is true.pink fruit anyone?)
Cassie smiled from her position near Shippou, Her cloak fanning out around her as she sat on the ground.
"Yeah, that sure was funny, her attacking you like that. But I guess no woman could resist us manly men" With that said he flexed. Cassie's smile widened.
"Yeah I mean, who was she fooling, I know she liked it when I touched, she'd get all hot and bothered about. She just didn't want the others to know." There was a tap on his shoulder.
Miroku's face plummeted; there were bruises and no sex in his immediate future. He turned slowly to be met with the angry eyes of a woman scorned. She was going to kill him for talking about her in such a ..guy way. (an: Boys are dumb!)
She tackled him, bringing the taller man down easily. Cassie jumped to her feet her eyes sparkling with excitement. Shippou stepped up beside her watching the action.
Sango landed on top of Miroku and began to pummel him. Suddenly Cassie hooted with glee. "That's right smack that bitch up!" She shouted to Sango. She tore off her cloak to reveal a leather outfit, complete with studs and a whip that hung from her waist.
Sango stopped staring wide eyed at the perplexing sight. "Come on girl, we'll show these boys a little something about pleasure and pain!" With that said she cracked her whip.
Then Cassie turned her attention to a pale Shippou. "Come on my hairy little animal I'm going to ride you like a pony." She tried moving closer to him but he backed away eying her like the black plague. He looked to Sango and Miroku for help. "I don't want to be a pony." He hissed through clenched teeth.
Miroku looked like he wanted to break down laughing, but didn't as Sango's knee found its way to a slightly perky appendage.
Cassie leaped at Shippou and he leaped away landing on top of Miroku's head. Shippou tore off into the night, Cassie following screaming obscenities and threats of bits, chains and candle wax. (an: kids these days)
Sango let Miroku up and they started after the kitsune's in hopes of saving Shippou from the leather queen's wrath. ****
Yetka had finished dressing, much to Kagome's relief. Kagome still sat quietly contemplating her life, her pregnancy, the look in Inuyasha's. Had she really betrayed him.Nah.
He was the one who wasn't going to let her go home; he was the one who bit her! He was the one who got her pregnant! So no, she wasn't betraying him, she was leveling the playing field. He could pick her up and carry her around like a sack of potatoes, easily overpowering her. And if he wasn't going to respect her and her wishes to go home.when she pleased.then he was just going to have to deal with the consequences. The gloves were off. He was going to get that fucking necklace around, his scrawny little neck if she had to beat him senseless, drug him or seduce him to do it! (an: hmmm I wander which one of these he wouldn't mind?)
Alls fair in love and war..and this was war!
Kagome contented herself to imaging how many times she could say sit in a minute, and how many times she could hear Inuyasha back crack before she felt the slightest bit of guilt for it.
She didn't notice Yetka looking disdaining at her thinning hair. (an: on her head anyway, her armpits another story.)
Yetka started to glance at Kagome's hair in an envious way. "I used to have hair like yours." She said in strange tone. Kagome smiled politely then continued in her thoughts of Inu torture.
"I used to have hair, just like that." She reached out a thin ragged finger to Kagome's raven hair. Kagome raised her eyebrows and watched the decent of the nasty finger.
It moved closer, and she moved farther, until finally she was practically bending over backwards. Panicked seeped into Kagome's brain, run run it said. So she did, she did a quick roll to the side then crawled though Yetka's legs to escape. An act she regretted. Trying to get through that woman's leg hair was like trying to get through a pricker bush!
"You stole my hair!" The old woman howled. She whirled on Kagome, her dull eyes sparking with some strange light. "Your nuts!' Kagome yelled, dashing towards a footpath in the woods.
"Give me back my hair you wretched harlot!"
"Buy a vowel you old coot! I didn't steal your hair!" Kagome yelled over her shoulder. The woman was gaining on her. Wasn't she supposed to have arthritis or something by her age? "Hair stealer!"
"Crazy gorilla legged woman!" Kagome shot back, wishing she had her bow and arrows.
"Infidel!" The old woman shrieked, moving exceptionally fast in her traditional clothing, her hairy legs whipping up from under her robe.
"Shaving impaired!" (an: that's right we're politically correct in this fic)
***** Inuyasha picked himself up off the ground to look at the two creatures standing before him.
The ugly horse moved foreword. "Awwww Shrek check it, he's so cute, yes you are aren't you a little cute puppy, why look at those ears." Inuyasha stared incredulously as the nasty thing began to coo at him as if he were still a pup. The big ogre stepped forward. "Are you a demon?" Inuyasha crossed his arms over his chest in defiant fashion. "What if I am?" Shrek smiled, he'd take that as a yes. "Well you see.there's this prince Farquod, who won't move all the stupid little fairy tale beasts out of my swamp until I bring him a dog demon as a pet. So."
Inuyasha started laughing obnoxiously... "Me.a pet, that's going to be the fucking funniest shit I've heard all year!" (an: and yet I can picture it in my mind.taking him on walks giving him a bath.him sleeping in my bed.erm...I mean the foot of my bed!)
The green guy ran at him, surprisingly fast.
Inuyasha was confident he could defeat the green blob easily. "Hey princess, look I really don't want to have to hurt ya." The ogre broke down sobbing.
"Ermm."
Inuyasha looked toward the donkey. "What did I do?"
The donkey shook his head. "You said princess." With that Shrek started crying harder, thick trails of gooey mucus trailing from his nose. "He fell in love with a princess and she loved him back.that is until she started seeing other people. Poor Shrek just hasn't been the same."
"She left me for a puppet!" Shrek bellowed. The donkey moved over to comfort him and Inuyasha backed away.
Inuyasha slunk quietly away until he was out of their hearing range.
Donkey tried to comfort Shrek, but he just wasn't hearing it. "Why oh why would she leave me for that man whore Pinocchio anyway?"
"He has more wood?" Donkey chuckled at his own joke. Shrek however did not find it so amusing.
Shrek stood, towering over the little donkey. He reached and grabbed the small animal by the neck. "Good bye Donkey."
"Shrek no! Please, let's be reasonable here, please please NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!"
Inuyasha stopped for a moment hearing the screams. Then he shrugged it off, it really wasn't his business.
"I'm going to get you stupid demon.Ogres are like onions!" (an: you know when you eat an onion it makes that juicy crunch sound, well I always fear onions are actually bugs juicy and crunchy...not a good combo.so I never eat them)
Inuyasha took off running.
****** Kagome tripped over something in her path. "Shippou?" The small kitsune look up at her. "Kagome?"
He launched himself into her arms and she started running again.
"Who are you running from?" he asked his surrogate mother.
A winded Kagome replied. "A crazy old lady with hairy legs."
Taking in a deep breath she asked. "Who are you running from?" "A girl who wants to ride me like a pony, and she wears a lot of leather." Kagome blanched, which in turn caused her to trip. But instead of hitting the ground she felt strong arms, steady her.
"Inu...Inuyasha?"
The sounds of Yetka could be heard behind them, the ogre in front and Cassie to the side. Sango and Miroku jumped out of the bushes sidestepping the leather clad Cassie.
The five friends wordlessly formed a circle readying themselves for battle. (an: earth,fire,wind,water ,heart.with our powers combined we summon captain planet!) "Okay why are Yetka and the green goblin chasing you guys?" Miroku asked, referring to Inuyasha and Kagome.
"The green ones after me, because ...I don't know he said something about a prince Fartwad wanting a pet." Inuyasha left his explanation at that.
"Yetka's trying to kill me because she thinks I stole her hair, like she doesn't have enough.Have u seen her legs!" Sango looked at her strangely for that one. Then Kagome asked, "What's with the Madonna wannabe?"
Shippou answered. "She's crazy and she wants to ride me like a pony! A pony I tell you!"
Miroku stifled a giggle.
"Well you did it with her kid." Miroku reprimanded the young kitsune, still trying not to giggle like a school girl.
"Did it?" Kagome said aghast. "Shippou, you're just a kid! How could you be having sex?!"
"Sex!" Cried an indignant Shippou. "I just kissed her!"
Miroku's face plummeted.
"Ahem." Cassie waved her hand "remember us?"
"Yes, remember us?" Said a very evil looking ogre. Yetka was even scarier though. She was so agitated that her chest was beginning to heave and that was something no one wanted to see.
Shrek got ready to charge them. Cassie flicking her whip, Yetka.heaving.
Cassie charged for Shippou. Kagome Intervened. "Back off you little slut." Cassie tried to hit Kagome with the whip, but Kagome ripped it from the girl's hands.then held it above her heading a taunting manor.
The ogre stepping in to attack, Sango ran foreword whit her boomerang poised. "Achew!!!!!!" Shrek sneezed out a good one..green sludge hurled towards Sango. The world seemed to slow, as Mioku shouted out. "NOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!! He ran one foot flying front of the other, his clothes rustling in the breeze. With tremendous strength he leapt into the path of the vile green substance, saving Sango. (an: oh come on, enough with the dramatics already.he saved her from a boogey!)
Shippou and Kagome beamed over their triumph over the S&M tiny tot. Sango thanked Miroku for saving her. Shrek sat off a few feet complaining about something he ate.
Inuyasha.Inuyasha was..
Kagome looked to the other three companions. "Where's Inuyasha?'
Mumbling was heard from behind them. As they turned they were greeted with a sight that shall forever haunt hem. Inuyasha's head trapped within the sagging, drooping, gigantic cleavage.of Yetka! "We got to help him!" Screamed Kagome. "Who knows how long he's been in there!"
"Quick pull him out!"
"Yuck she has warts!"
"Is he still breathing?"
"There is going to be irreversible physiological damage from this"
"Oh the humanity!"
With one final tug they dislodge Inuyasha's head, from ..from...well u know.
His eyes were glazed over and he was mumbling incoherently.
"Oh Inuyasha say something please." Kagome pleaded holding him close.
Trembling Inuyasha seemed to regain some of himself. Whispering in a childlike voice he said. "I've seen the gates of hell. They are in there!" He pointed towards an indignant Yetka.
The five friends stood together, and prepared for round two.
Cassie had pulled out some "toys" that actually looked pretty threatening. Yetka was showing her cleavage to a cowering hanyou and the ogre.was having abdominal pains.
"I got a crap on board that could choke a donkey!" Shrek announced.
"This is a trio from hell." Miroku whispered to his comrades. Inuyasha watched Shrek carefully, and then recoiled in disgust as a bulge appeared in the back of his pants.
The other voiced their disgust. As Inuyasha said "Well Miroku this trio is soon to be a quartet." The bulge in the back Shrek pants was the shape of a Donkey's head, and talking.
Muffled complaints could be heard from the ogre's pants. "Shrek that vile, just vile I tell you."
"Ohhhhhh.uh ehhhh" Shreck moaned as the rest of the Donkey made it way out.
Everyone's wide eyes were on the unusual sight, mouths agape. (an: the song "Pour unfortunate souls" just came to mind..u know from the movie "The Little Mermaid")
A rather foul smelling donkey emerged from Shreks pants.
"Ugh.I feel like a shat a back street boy!" Shrek declared, then pulled out a cigarette and sat panting.
Sango turned to Kagome. "What is a Back street boy?"
Sighing Kagome turned to Sango. "A back street boy is a small man trapped in a teenage body, with bad hair, and they come from the bowels of an underground laboratory where they are cloned in America, then set out upon the innocent public."
(The five back street boys pop up. "Back streets back alright!)
(Scully and Mulder show up.)
(Bang* Bang* Bang* Bang* Bang* "Mulder were they alien?" Scully asked Mulder, both of them still standing in defensive positions, each holding a smoking gun. "No Scully, they weren't alien. But we had to do it, we had to save humanity." Scully laid her hand on Mulders arm. "I understand, they were evil incarnate, they had to be destroyed.")
"I never wanted to do any of this I just.I just want my princess back." Murmured Shrek.
Yetka looked up at him. "Love troubles you say, well I have just the cure for that. There is this pink fruit that can help you out. Come walk with me" The two started off into the woods.
"Hold up Shrek I'm coming too." The donkey bounded after them. "Hey are you a pony?"
Cassie asked. Donkey stopped. "Erm, no I'm a donkey." Cassie stepped closer to him, running a hand through his course fur. "Close enough." She said. The she slapped his ass.
"Shrek!" Donkey cried charging after his companion, the one that had eaten digested and excreted him.
"Come back I want to spank you some more!" Cried Cassie.
"Okay." Miroku looked around.
"So."
"They just left?"
"I guess."
"Cool."
All together the five of them turned around. "Kikyio." Inuyasha whispered. She stood before them, arrow aimed to fire.
"Die Inuyasha!"
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well that was the longest chapter I've ever written in my entire life!
Thankyou so much for everyone who reviewed! I'm sorry I didn't update sooner, but I've had mono.and if you don't know what that is.lets put it this way.I slept 20 hours a day for two weeks straight. It's the sleeping illness.ain't that just ducky. And major thanks to everyone who sends ideas, for the next and final chapter I already know I'm using a few, people have already sent me.