Hey, we're back. YAY! THE HOLIDAYS AT LAST! You Americans probably call it
your Spring Break, but we are Aussie and damn proud of it. True blues to
the death. A death by savage kangaroos, lol . . . So, holidays. That means
you will be getting a lot more updates, (we hope) quicker and more
frequent. (again, we hope.) Now this is where you come in: REVIEW. Lolly
has a new story out! It's called Seven and Deadly. Should be cool, I hope.
Check it out?
*Puppy eyes*
Okay. Chapter now. Enjoy!
Lolly and Katie. (Lolly: Kate? When are you actually going to WRITE your story?)
**************************************************************************** *******
Suze's POV.
We don't talk much any more. Jesse and I, I mean. There isn't much to say. We know what happened in the past, what was the use of justifying ourselves? Oh, there was love. My God, there was love. But this love, it hurt. Pain of the heart.
Days danced by, vibrant people around me chattering and going on with life. Time stood still for me. I dwelt on those horrible memories, those of the Shadowland and beyond. The aversion that had charred my heart, when I heard Jesse speak to me in his cursed condition. It was pain like no other. The fact that, for that long, there had been no love.
I always thought that our love was, you know? Unconquerable?
I'm so naïve.
'Suze, you home?'
A white hand was being waved frantically before my eyes. I blinked out of my reflections, and saw a very restless looking CeeCee Webb. Even my best friend here didn't make it real. I felt like I still belonged to the Shadow World. Like I'd left behind a very precious, very elite part of myself.
I blinked, and looked at her hazily. 'What do you want?' I asked boredly. We were sitting in World Civ. and Mr Walden was taking his sweet time.
'Suze,' she said with concern, 'You . . . you've been way distant lately. Is stuff all right at home and everything? I mean, well, you can talk to me if you need to get things out.'
Oh sure, CeeCee. Fine. I died last month. I was a ghost. I watched myself drown in my own blood. The guy I loved was under a CURSE and did things that are too horrible to say. And I have to live with the guilt that I sent someone to somewhere that, too, is too horrible to say. Wow, that's off my chest. If only I had the guts to say that out loud to you.
But I just glared. CeeCee looked a little scared, and turned away from me. 'Okay already . . . don't have to go all "grrr" on me, Simon.'
I sighed. This wasn't fair. None of it was. The worst part of it was probably the fact that I had had to explain to Jesse what he did to me. He didn't remember any of it, as far as I knew. He made me tell him everything he did. Everything he said. It was hell, going through it all again. He had no idea what I was feeling. I was so alone in all of this. Since that discussion after we came back from the beach that night, the night that changed everything, we barely said a word to each other. Just the pleasantries, and nothing more. He didn't touch my hand, or kiss me, or, hell, even call me querida!
Every day we grew more and more apart.
And it killed me.
I knew that he was on the verge of moving out.
'Suze!'
The shout startled me. It also pissed me off.
'God, CeeCee, will you shut your bloody mouth for five seconds?!' I roared at her, standing up turbulently. The chair fell loudly from behind me at the force of my action.
Her pale face was erased of all emotion. She was so shocked with my outburst. She just stared at me, her eyes curious, and . . .
Hurt.
For God's sake . . .
I clapped my hand to my mouth. Everyone's eyes were on me in sick fascination. 'Cee, I'm . . . look, I – I'm s – I was . . . I'm sorry,' I stuttered, shaking my head slowly at her. Her expression didn't change in the slightest.
I ran. Again. My whole life is an escape now. There was always a monster I was hiding from.
This time the monster was me.
Running from yourself is a bit difficult when the two of you are kind of attached, you know?
The day was so dark, reflecting my mood to a tee. Cold, dense clouds rolled on outside, blackening the sky, chilling the air. Raindrops fell steadily, ever getting heavier and heavier. Carmel was not commonly victim of this weather.
It was probably my fault.
I bet ya. Everything was my fault lately . . .
I bolted down the hall, towards Father Dom's office, bursting into Reception.
'Miss Simon! Please, Father Dominic said he was busy, please slow down –' the secretary said in alarm, but I didn't care. I ran up to the door, but stopped when I heard the voices.
'Padre, she does not speak to me any more. She can scarcely look at me, let alone in the eye. She quakes at the most delicate touch. I am corrupted, knowing that I have generated her pain. Unbeknownst to her, she tortures me. Makes me relive what I did to her, time and time again. I remember fragments every day. Expressions of her face, sounds of her screams, knives, Maria . . . '
'Who is Maria?' Father Dom interrupted.
I was outside the office. My breath was sparse, but my heart was beating like a drum. It was Jesse . . . this stuff . . . I never knew.
'Miss Simon, I really must insist that you –'
'Shhhh . . . ' I hushed the secretary, who was eyeing me nervously. I could lose her her job, but at that moment, I didn't care. These things that Jesse was saying, they were horrible. It was all news to me, but it was information I would have been better not to know.
But now I knew that it was there, I had to know the truth.
It was like when an old lady gets her first wrinkle. She doesn't want it to be there – it signifies old age. But once she knows it's there, she examines it from every angle, and waits in fear for more.
This was kinda like that.
I know. Wrinkles? Eww . . .
'Maria,' Jesse expressed, 'You know of her, Padre. My cousin? Why I was intended to wed? You do not remember? Her and Felix Diego?'
I frowned. What was he on about? And . . . marrying a COUSIN?
Double ewww!
'I remember Felix, but this Maria woman, I'm afraid I haven't a clue as to what you are talking about,' came Father Dom's reply.
'Oh . . . I imagine I know why that is so. But nonetheless, Padre. The foremost thing I needed you to be aware of, is, well . . . '
I creaked the door open the slightest. The secretary was still staring at me in horror, wondering how I could find a priest talking to himself fascinating. I peaked through the crack in between the door and the frame. I saw Jesse's ghost lean in nervously to Father D.
'What?' Father Dom hissed at him. 'What is this secrecy for?'
Jesse looked around briefly, but thankfully, not at me.
'Paul has returned.'
I stopped breathing all together.
'No!' I whispered, stumbling back and accidentally slamming the door. I presumed that they had heard it, because movement was coming from the office, and the faint glittering of dematerialization could be heard. I stared at my feet, in total and utter shock.
Then the door opened. I looked up and saw Father Dom staring down at me through thin spectacles, looking very appalled. My eyes met his guiltily.
With a squeak, the secretary bounced back to her reception desk, typing madly on the keyboard. He blinked at her, and then laughed. 'Why, um, Susannah, what a pleasant surprise. I was just . . . er, marking reports, and well, you seem to have –'
'Cut the crap, Father Dom,' I said. 'I heard.'
He dropped the act, and lowered his voice radically. 'How much did you hear?' he demanded with narrowed eyes.
Not too priestish of him . . .
'Enough,' I snapped. He sighed, and extended his hand to help me up. I accepted it and followed him into his office. It smelt very musty. There was a bible open on his desk, in the Leviticus section. Oh, I'm just so observant . . .
I slumped into the seat in front of his desk, my heart still going quite fast. It was taking a few seconds to actually register with what was happening. On top of EVERYTHING that was happening, Jesse frigging drops THIS on me!
Paul was not back. It was all a joke. They were messing with me.
Oh yeah, Suze. And Jesse just knew that you would be there at that exact second. Really.
Oh, God . . . what was happening to me?
'Susannah,' Father Dom said, staring at me with a frown. 'What is wrong. I have reason to believe that you aren't acting like yourself –'
'I heard that bit too, Father,' I said, somewhat rudely. I glared at my hands, my head down.
'Oh, dear,' he fiddled with his glasses, and sighed. 'Well, um, Jesse seems to think that you are being very outlying. That you are no longer on speaking terms with him, as such.'
'Great.'
'What do you mean?'
'I mean it. Great. You know? In the sarcastic way? I say it when I SO don't mean it. Because Father Dominic, my life is not great. I am very lucky that I have a life. This was Jesse's life. I stole it from him. I have to LIVE with knowing that, man. I do. And it hurt, okay? It hurts a lot. That's he's dead because of me.'
I realized that I was on my feet again. I was shouting at a priest. My fists were clenched, and my hair had gone pretty fuzzy from jerking my head furiously at him. Father Dom, I mean.
He blinked at me, stunned. 'Oh my . . . I had no idea that it was this serious, Susannah . . .'
'Nor did I.'
I didn't say that. It wasn't me who said that. It wasn't Father Dom, either.
It was Jesse.
I couldn't look at him. Not after what I'd just revealed. Honest, I hadn't meant to say all the things I had. They'd just flooded out of my mouth, I swear! I was so lost in the pain that I felt, I wasn't concentrating what I was saying, just articulating everything that I had been feeling.
And Jesse had heard.
Father Dom, respectively, stood up, pushed his chair in, and exited his own office. This was one lover's quarrel he definitely wanted to take to the sidelines for.
'Susannah . . .' Jesse said softly from behind me, his hand coming on my shoulder. I winced, and shrugged it off, walking away from him, still not looking at him. It was lucky that my hair was down today. The soft crown curls shielded my face.
My shame.
'Jesse . . . just – just don't, okay?' My voice crackled as I said it. My throat had gone very dry. I tried to swallow, but I couldn't. I really couldn't. Jesse was affecting my ability to swallow. My God, was it THAT bad?!
'But Susannah, I –' he began, but I had to stop him before he said anything that I couldn't resist. Something like "I love you." It was all I desired to here, but I knew it would only make things worse, knowing that there was still a chance.
I braved the thing that I feared most.
'Jesse,' I said. Well "said" is such a strong word, you know? Especially when your ability to speak is being hindered by hot Latino ghost who was cursed last month and changed your life forever. And not in such a hot way. I still didn't have the guts to look at him. 'Look. Things have changed, Jesse. You and I both know that. So I think it would be best if . . . well, yeah.'
He was silent. Mustering all my courage, I tilted my head up ever so slightly.
Oh my God . . .
I don't think that I'd ever seen so much hurt on someone's face. It punched me in the stomach, the look that emerged across his features. His lips were slightly ajar in disbelief, down-turned. His jaw was wobbling ever so slightly, like he was biting back words that he knew were worthless. But his eyes. I couldn't stand it. They were the quintessence of a wounded soul. I felt as if I'd stabbed him in the back.
I could feel tears screaming to reveal themselves. I desperately fought them back. It was not the time for them to make their debut. Never the time, but especially not now.
I could feel my heart literally, physically breaking. Fracturing, right down the middle. Heartache isn't a term that should be used sloppily. Only at the most forlorn of times should it be employed.
This was one of them.
I again tried swallowing, but it only resulted in a horrifyingly large lump developing in my desiccated throat.
'Say something,' I choked, stifling a sob. The tears were so near, my eyes burnt.
Jesse, after what seemed like forever, turned his head to the left. I saw the muscles in his neck pull as he strained to do so. His fists were shaking, and his nostrils kept flaring for some weird reason. His jaw was still wobbling.
I bowed my head, my hair sweeping him from my vision. I couldn't look at him in the eye anymore. I took a step back to emphasize my point on the matter. Oh God . . . I called my love for Jesse a "matter."
'There is nothing to say, aside from . . . I understand. This has past your point of tolerance. Yes . . . I will . . . go then,' he trailed off, putting a single hand over his heart. Well, at least he wasn't feeling as much pain as I was. He didn't have a heart that was still beating. So his heart couldn't break. That was the only thing that reassured me. That he wasn't feeling too much pain.
I really have no idea.
Aaah, but if only he did just "go."
'Susannah, please.'
His voice came like a thicket of thorns, carving me into something I didn't want to be. I saw only his feet. 1850 boots, slowly coming toward me. My breathing quickened, and my heart pounded so hard I feared that it would split my chest open. I couldn't take this . . . It was too much for me. I wanted to run again, but respect for the ghost – no, the man – before me, kept me stationary. He deserved closure.
I was very shocked when he placed his large hand on my chest. No, not in a sex-perverted way. It was over my heart. You know? That thing that was smashing as we speak?
I looked up at him abruptly. 'What are you doing?' I asked him, feeling the brunt of the anguish in full measures. My heart's throbbing did not cease, only intensified. My mouth fell open in ache.
'That is your heart,' he said. His hand, usually warm for a ghost, was cold on my skin.
'Duh,' I said, not with my usual sarcasm. It was with profound angst . . .
'Susannah, this is your heart,' he repeated. I was about to go, "You're point?" but he beat me to it. 'Your heart is what matters here. I know the truth, and how you feel. It is one thing to run from me. But it is another to run from yourself.'
Slowly, I tilted my head up to him. 'You don't know as much as you think you do, you know,' I said quietly.
That kind of did it. He removed his hand brusquely, spun on his heal, and promptly began pacing like there was no tomorrow, cursing furiously in Spanish.
'Jesse, stop it,' I muttered jadedly, but was alarmed when he yelled, 'No, Susannah! I will not stop it! This, as much as I regret to inform you, is not about you only. I feel this too! You are not alone in this calamity. You have not been honest with me about what is happening in that complex mind of yours –'
'Oh, and you're as innocent as the day you were born? When the hell did you think that you were going to mention that little fact that Paul was BACK?!' I exploded right back at him, flinging my hands to his shoulders and shoving him right back. And I'm pretty strong, at the best of times. 'He is a psychopath, Jesse! I mean, this was his entire fault. I think that we can both fathom that he's pretty bloody dangerous, and I know that I for one would not like to be caught unaware by said psychopath!'
'Susannah, I'm trying to pro –'
'Oh yes. Fat lot of help that'll do, me not knowing exactly "who" it is that clocks me on the head. Joy, really. Jesse? For an intelligent guy, you're really stupid,' I shouted at him, crossing my arms furiously. Oooh, this anger release was just the distraction I needed. It was going to come out sooner or later. It appeared that "sooner" had been preferred.
Jesse was silent. He just stared. Those hot Latino eyes were searching me for any sign of weakness. Once he found it, he would attack it until he got the truth.
So I couldn't seem weak . . .
'Well, are we done?' I asked.
'Yes,' I replied.
That, I think, was when my heart shattered.
'No,' he said suddenly. 'Know this, Susannah. I will never, EVER, stop loving you. You are apart of me, you are the reason that I exist. I do not know what forces have made you think in such a rash way. But if we cannot survive this, there is no hope for this love.'
'Well, there's no hope,' I said. Tears, STAY! 'Paul won, didn't he? I'm not as strong as you, Jesse.'
He twitched at Paul's name. 'He will meet his well-deserved end, Susannah. You cannot let him win.'
'He already has. You don't realize what he made you do, Jesse. He destroyed every aspect of me that made me "me". I feel like a shell! You . . . you should have just stayed alive when you had the chance. I don't appreciate this life as much as you would have. Seeing you dead, you don't know what it's like. After you were so close . . .' I broke off, not being able to continue. I spun around. 'Go.'
Everything seemed shattered . . . My entire world. I wished that it would just end. I felt so empty.
But Jesse's hand on my arm whirled me around. He pulled me right up against him, terrifying me, as this movement resembled his cursed state so much. I gasped. 'Jesse, come on. This is done.'
He ignored me. I saw calm passion in his eyes. 'It is not done, Susannah. I have never been a forward man. But you need to understand . . .'
With that, he pressed his lips against mine, with such abandon, love, desperation and fear, that I could do nothing but respond. It was all I ever wanted.
But not anymore. After yielding and melting into his embrace, I fought the urge to just let go.
'No,' I said, pushing him back. Away.
He looked confused. 'Susannah, don't do this. This is not you. This is something of Paul. You cannot let him win this! He hasn't won yet, he can be beaten!'
But I wasn't for it. I stopped listening. I ran.
Just like I always did . . .
**************************************************************************** ********
DON'T kill me. It'll be peachy in the end, okay? It's a tough road, but TRUST ME. Don't flame. It was a reckless chapter, and I hope I wrote it that way. Tell me what you think is going to happen. Humour a very tired young girl?
Regards,
Disgruntled MystAngel.
(Katie is coming over on Wednesday and will FINALLY write her own chapter. Yay! Cheers for Katie!)
*Puppy eyes*
Okay. Chapter now. Enjoy!
Lolly and Katie. (Lolly: Kate? When are you actually going to WRITE your story?)
**************************************************************************** *******
Suze's POV.
We don't talk much any more. Jesse and I, I mean. There isn't much to say. We know what happened in the past, what was the use of justifying ourselves? Oh, there was love. My God, there was love. But this love, it hurt. Pain of the heart.
Days danced by, vibrant people around me chattering and going on with life. Time stood still for me. I dwelt on those horrible memories, those of the Shadowland and beyond. The aversion that had charred my heart, when I heard Jesse speak to me in his cursed condition. It was pain like no other. The fact that, for that long, there had been no love.
I always thought that our love was, you know? Unconquerable?
I'm so naïve.
'Suze, you home?'
A white hand was being waved frantically before my eyes. I blinked out of my reflections, and saw a very restless looking CeeCee Webb. Even my best friend here didn't make it real. I felt like I still belonged to the Shadow World. Like I'd left behind a very precious, very elite part of myself.
I blinked, and looked at her hazily. 'What do you want?' I asked boredly. We were sitting in World Civ. and Mr Walden was taking his sweet time.
'Suze,' she said with concern, 'You . . . you've been way distant lately. Is stuff all right at home and everything? I mean, well, you can talk to me if you need to get things out.'
Oh sure, CeeCee. Fine. I died last month. I was a ghost. I watched myself drown in my own blood. The guy I loved was under a CURSE and did things that are too horrible to say. And I have to live with the guilt that I sent someone to somewhere that, too, is too horrible to say. Wow, that's off my chest. If only I had the guts to say that out loud to you.
But I just glared. CeeCee looked a little scared, and turned away from me. 'Okay already . . . don't have to go all "grrr" on me, Simon.'
I sighed. This wasn't fair. None of it was. The worst part of it was probably the fact that I had had to explain to Jesse what he did to me. He didn't remember any of it, as far as I knew. He made me tell him everything he did. Everything he said. It was hell, going through it all again. He had no idea what I was feeling. I was so alone in all of this. Since that discussion after we came back from the beach that night, the night that changed everything, we barely said a word to each other. Just the pleasantries, and nothing more. He didn't touch my hand, or kiss me, or, hell, even call me querida!
Every day we grew more and more apart.
And it killed me.
I knew that he was on the verge of moving out.
'Suze!'
The shout startled me. It also pissed me off.
'God, CeeCee, will you shut your bloody mouth for five seconds?!' I roared at her, standing up turbulently. The chair fell loudly from behind me at the force of my action.
Her pale face was erased of all emotion. She was so shocked with my outburst. She just stared at me, her eyes curious, and . . .
Hurt.
For God's sake . . .
I clapped my hand to my mouth. Everyone's eyes were on me in sick fascination. 'Cee, I'm . . . look, I – I'm s – I was . . . I'm sorry,' I stuttered, shaking my head slowly at her. Her expression didn't change in the slightest.
I ran. Again. My whole life is an escape now. There was always a monster I was hiding from.
This time the monster was me.
Running from yourself is a bit difficult when the two of you are kind of attached, you know?
The day was so dark, reflecting my mood to a tee. Cold, dense clouds rolled on outside, blackening the sky, chilling the air. Raindrops fell steadily, ever getting heavier and heavier. Carmel was not commonly victim of this weather.
It was probably my fault.
I bet ya. Everything was my fault lately . . .
I bolted down the hall, towards Father Dom's office, bursting into Reception.
'Miss Simon! Please, Father Dominic said he was busy, please slow down –' the secretary said in alarm, but I didn't care. I ran up to the door, but stopped when I heard the voices.
'Padre, she does not speak to me any more. She can scarcely look at me, let alone in the eye. She quakes at the most delicate touch. I am corrupted, knowing that I have generated her pain. Unbeknownst to her, she tortures me. Makes me relive what I did to her, time and time again. I remember fragments every day. Expressions of her face, sounds of her screams, knives, Maria . . . '
'Who is Maria?' Father Dom interrupted.
I was outside the office. My breath was sparse, but my heart was beating like a drum. It was Jesse . . . this stuff . . . I never knew.
'Miss Simon, I really must insist that you –'
'Shhhh . . . ' I hushed the secretary, who was eyeing me nervously. I could lose her her job, but at that moment, I didn't care. These things that Jesse was saying, they were horrible. It was all news to me, but it was information I would have been better not to know.
But now I knew that it was there, I had to know the truth.
It was like when an old lady gets her first wrinkle. She doesn't want it to be there – it signifies old age. But once she knows it's there, she examines it from every angle, and waits in fear for more.
This was kinda like that.
I know. Wrinkles? Eww . . .
'Maria,' Jesse expressed, 'You know of her, Padre. My cousin? Why I was intended to wed? You do not remember? Her and Felix Diego?'
I frowned. What was he on about? And . . . marrying a COUSIN?
Double ewww!
'I remember Felix, but this Maria woman, I'm afraid I haven't a clue as to what you are talking about,' came Father Dom's reply.
'Oh . . . I imagine I know why that is so. But nonetheless, Padre. The foremost thing I needed you to be aware of, is, well . . . '
I creaked the door open the slightest. The secretary was still staring at me in horror, wondering how I could find a priest talking to himself fascinating. I peaked through the crack in between the door and the frame. I saw Jesse's ghost lean in nervously to Father D.
'What?' Father Dom hissed at him. 'What is this secrecy for?'
Jesse looked around briefly, but thankfully, not at me.
'Paul has returned.'
I stopped breathing all together.
'No!' I whispered, stumbling back and accidentally slamming the door. I presumed that they had heard it, because movement was coming from the office, and the faint glittering of dematerialization could be heard. I stared at my feet, in total and utter shock.
Then the door opened. I looked up and saw Father Dom staring down at me through thin spectacles, looking very appalled. My eyes met his guiltily.
With a squeak, the secretary bounced back to her reception desk, typing madly on the keyboard. He blinked at her, and then laughed. 'Why, um, Susannah, what a pleasant surprise. I was just . . . er, marking reports, and well, you seem to have –'
'Cut the crap, Father Dom,' I said. 'I heard.'
He dropped the act, and lowered his voice radically. 'How much did you hear?' he demanded with narrowed eyes.
Not too priestish of him . . .
'Enough,' I snapped. He sighed, and extended his hand to help me up. I accepted it and followed him into his office. It smelt very musty. There was a bible open on his desk, in the Leviticus section. Oh, I'm just so observant . . .
I slumped into the seat in front of his desk, my heart still going quite fast. It was taking a few seconds to actually register with what was happening. On top of EVERYTHING that was happening, Jesse frigging drops THIS on me!
Paul was not back. It was all a joke. They were messing with me.
Oh yeah, Suze. And Jesse just knew that you would be there at that exact second. Really.
Oh, God . . . what was happening to me?
'Susannah,' Father Dom said, staring at me with a frown. 'What is wrong. I have reason to believe that you aren't acting like yourself –'
'I heard that bit too, Father,' I said, somewhat rudely. I glared at my hands, my head down.
'Oh, dear,' he fiddled with his glasses, and sighed. 'Well, um, Jesse seems to think that you are being very outlying. That you are no longer on speaking terms with him, as such.'
'Great.'
'What do you mean?'
'I mean it. Great. You know? In the sarcastic way? I say it when I SO don't mean it. Because Father Dominic, my life is not great. I am very lucky that I have a life. This was Jesse's life. I stole it from him. I have to LIVE with knowing that, man. I do. And it hurt, okay? It hurts a lot. That's he's dead because of me.'
I realized that I was on my feet again. I was shouting at a priest. My fists were clenched, and my hair had gone pretty fuzzy from jerking my head furiously at him. Father Dom, I mean.
He blinked at me, stunned. 'Oh my . . . I had no idea that it was this serious, Susannah . . .'
'Nor did I.'
I didn't say that. It wasn't me who said that. It wasn't Father Dom, either.
It was Jesse.
I couldn't look at him. Not after what I'd just revealed. Honest, I hadn't meant to say all the things I had. They'd just flooded out of my mouth, I swear! I was so lost in the pain that I felt, I wasn't concentrating what I was saying, just articulating everything that I had been feeling.
And Jesse had heard.
Father Dom, respectively, stood up, pushed his chair in, and exited his own office. This was one lover's quarrel he definitely wanted to take to the sidelines for.
'Susannah . . .' Jesse said softly from behind me, his hand coming on my shoulder. I winced, and shrugged it off, walking away from him, still not looking at him. It was lucky that my hair was down today. The soft crown curls shielded my face.
My shame.
'Jesse . . . just – just don't, okay?' My voice crackled as I said it. My throat had gone very dry. I tried to swallow, but I couldn't. I really couldn't. Jesse was affecting my ability to swallow. My God, was it THAT bad?!
'But Susannah, I –' he began, but I had to stop him before he said anything that I couldn't resist. Something like "I love you." It was all I desired to here, but I knew it would only make things worse, knowing that there was still a chance.
I braved the thing that I feared most.
'Jesse,' I said. Well "said" is such a strong word, you know? Especially when your ability to speak is being hindered by hot Latino ghost who was cursed last month and changed your life forever. And not in such a hot way. I still didn't have the guts to look at him. 'Look. Things have changed, Jesse. You and I both know that. So I think it would be best if . . . well, yeah.'
He was silent. Mustering all my courage, I tilted my head up ever so slightly.
Oh my God . . .
I don't think that I'd ever seen so much hurt on someone's face. It punched me in the stomach, the look that emerged across his features. His lips were slightly ajar in disbelief, down-turned. His jaw was wobbling ever so slightly, like he was biting back words that he knew were worthless. But his eyes. I couldn't stand it. They were the quintessence of a wounded soul. I felt as if I'd stabbed him in the back.
I could feel tears screaming to reveal themselves. I desperately fought them back. It was not the time for them to make their debut. Never the time, but especially not now.
I could feel my heart literally, physically breaking. Fracturing, right down the middle. Heartache isn't a term that should be used sloppily. Only at the most forlorn of times should it be employed.
This was one of them.
I again tried swallowing, but it only resulted in a horrifyingly large lump developing in my desiccated throat.
'Say something,' I choked, stifling a sob. The tears were so near, my eyes burnt.
Jesse, after what seemed like forever, turned his head to the left. I saw the muscles in his neck pull as he strained to do so. His fists were shaking, and his nostrils kept flaring for some weird reason. His jaw was still wobbling.
I bowed my head, my hair sweeping him from my vision. I couldn't look at him in the eye anymore. I took a step back to emphasize my point on the matter. Oh God . . . I called my love for Jesse a "matter."
'There is nothing to say, aside from . . . I understand. This has past your point of tolerance. Yes . . . I will . . . go then,' he trailed off, putting a single hand over his heart. Well, at least he wasn't feeling as much pain as I was. He didn't have a heart that was still beating. So his heart couldn't break. That was the only thing that reassured me. That he wasn't feeling too much pain.
I really have no idea.
Aaah, but if only he did just "go."
'Susannah, please.'
His voice came like a thicket of thorns, carving me into something I didn't want to be. I saw only his feet. 1850 boots, slowly coming toward me. My breathing quickened, and my heart pounded so hard I feared that it would split my chest open. I couldn't take this . . . It was too much for me. I wanted to run again, but respect for the ghost – no, the man – before me, kept me stationary. He deserved closure.
I was very shocked when he placed his large hand on my chest. No, not in a sex-perverted way. It was over my heart. You know? That thing that was smashing as we speak?
I looked up at him abruptly. 'What are you doing?' I asked him, feeling the brunt of the anguish in full measures. My heart's throbbing did not cease, only intensified. My mouth fell open in ache.
'That is your heart,' he said. His hand, usually warm for a ghost, was cold on my skin.
'Duh,' I said, not with my usual sarcasm. It was with profound angst . . .
'Susannah, this is your heart,' he repeated. I was about to go, "You're point?" but he beat me to it. 'Your heart is what matters here. I know the truth, and how you feel. It is one thing to run from me. But it is another to run from yourself.'
Slowly, I tilted my head up to him. 'You don't know as much as you think you do, you know,' I said quietly.
That kind of did it. He removed his hand brusquely, spun on his heal, and promptly began pacing like there was no tomorrow, cursing furiously in Spanish.
'Jesse, stop it,' I muttered jadedly, but was alarmed when he yelled, 'No, Susannah! I will not stop it! This, as much as I regret to inform you, is not about you only. I feel this too! You are not alone in this calamity. You have not been honest with me about what is happening in that complex mind of yours –'
'Oh, and you're as innocent as the day you were born? When the hell did you think that you were going to mention that little fact that Paul was BACK?!' I exploded right back at him, flinging my hands to his shoulders and shoving him right back. And I'm pretty strong, at the best of times. 'He is a psychopath, Jesse! I mean, this was his entire fault. I think that we can both fathom that he's pretty bloody dangerous, and I know that I for one would not like to be caught unaware by said psychopath!'
'Susannah, I'm trying to pro –'
'Oh yes. Fat lot of help that'll do, me not knowing exactly "who" it is that clocks me on the head. Joy, really. Jesse? For an intelligent guy, you're really stupid,' I shouted at him, crossing my arms furiously. Oooh, this anger release was just the distraction I needed. It was going to come out sooner or later. It appeared that "sooner" had been preferred.
Jesse was silent. He just stared. Those hot Latino eyes were searching me for any sign of weakness. Once he found it, he would attack it until he got the truth.
So I couldn't seem weak . . .
'Well, are we done?' I asked.
'Yes,' I replied.
That, I think, was when my heart shattered.
'No,' he said suddenly. 'Know this, Susannah. I will never, EVER, stop loving you. You are apart of me, you are the reason that I exist. I do not know what forces have made you think in such a rash way. But if we cannot survive this, there is no hope for this love.'
'Well, there's no hope,' I said. Tears, STAY! 'Paul won, didn't he? I'm not as strong as you, Jesse.'
He twitched at Paul's name. 'He will meet his well-deserved end, Susannah. You cannot let him win.'
'He already has. You don't realize what he made you do, Jesse. He destroyed every aspect of me that made me "me". I feel like a shell! You . . . you should have just stayed alive when you had the chance. I don't appreciate this life as much as you would have. Seeing you dead, you don't know what it's like. After you were so close . . .' I broke off, not being able to continue. I spun around. 'Go.'
Everything seemed shattered . . . My entire world. I wished that it would just end. I felt so empty.
But Jesse's hand on my arm whirled me around. He pulled me right up against him, terrifying me, as this movement resembled his cursed state so much. I gasped. 'Jesse, come on. This is done.'
He ignored me. I saw calm passion in his eyes. 'It is not done, Susannah. I have never been a forward man. But you need to understand . . .'
With that, he pressed his lips against mine, with such abandon, love, desperation and fear, that I could do nothing but respond. It was all I ever wanted.
But not anymore. After yielding and melting into his embrace, I fought the urge to just let go.
'No,' I said, pushing him back. Away.
He looked confused. 'Susannah, don't do this. This is not you. This is something of Paul. You cannot let him win this! He hasn't won yet, he can be beaten!'
But I wasn't for it. I stopped listening. I ran.
Just like I always did . . .
**************************************************************************** ********
DON'T kill me. It'll be peachy in the end, okay? It's a tough road, but TRUST ME. Don't flame. It was a reckless chapter, and I hope I wrote it that way. Tell me what you think is going to happen. Humour a very tired young girl?
Regards,
Disgruntled MystAngel.
(Katie is coming over on Wednesday and will FINALLY write her own chapter. Yay! Cheers for Katie!)