From the desk of Professor Severus Snape, Potions Master at Hogwarts School
of Witchcraft and Wizardry
RE: REQUEST FOR DEFENCE AGAINST THE DARK ARTS POSITION
To Whom It May Concern,
The last twenty-four hours have been hell. After being sucked through a whirlpool into caverns far beneath those I was previously searching, I have ended up in a gigantic underground sea. It's horribly stifling in here. The very water is boiling hot and constantly clouds the air with steam. Plus there's sulphuric deposits all throughout the walls. It's like living in a gym coaches' shorts in here. Yuck.
Having carefully made my way through some dry patches of stone around the side of the water, I was able to get to a slightly cooler cave, where I could assess the damage to my gear.
DAMAGE REPORT:
iMac: Wet but functional
Rabbit skull: Missing
Socks: Disappeared (probably skived off on that cursed Lost Sock island, the little knitted bastards)
Bag of Soap: Melted
Ferret: Dead
Everything else: Washed away underwater
Josephine was a bit waterlogged, but after a good wringing, she seemed herself again. She is now sitting on my shoulder, making fearful little noises at the bubbling, heated water that still can be heard even at this distance.
I need a plan. I'm more than a mile down from where I SHOULD be. I need to get back to the upper caverns, but the only way I know of doing that is through the whirlpools, which are clearly a no-go.
Josephine seems to think we should take the tunnel through this cave, back the way we came, and see if it will eventually lead to higher ground. At least, that's what I think she means when she waggles her waistband around like that. Or maybe she's trying to tell me she shrunk in the water. I should check the care instructions on her tag.
I'd like to state for the records that this is all YOUR fault, Dumb-ledore. You stupid hose-brained sock-loving mall Santa. Thanks to your idiot demands, Josephine and I are going to starve to death down here. We probably. . .wait, that's it! Josephine!
I'm tying Josephine to the leg of the owl that carries these letters back up to the school, along with a vast quantity of string. Josephine, when you are carried by the cavern that we first met in, JUMP OFF the owl and start tugging on the string. I'll follow it back up through the caverns!
No Josephine, down. Down! No pets. No hugs. This is serious. Don't droop your seams at me like that. Sigh. OK, one hug.
Now get going! I hope this works. I hope you don't get lost.
Sniff. Take care.
Sincerely,
Severus Snape
P.S. If you lose my freakin' pet underwear, owl, I will rip your pinion feathers out and make an interesting boa for Gilderoy's birthday!
RE: REQUEST FOR DEFENCE AGAINST THE DARK ARTS POSITION
To Whom It May Concern,
The last twenty-four hours have been hell. After being sucked through a whirlpool into caverns far beneath those I was previously searching, I have ended up in a gigantic underground sea. It's horribly stifling in here. The very water is boiling hot and constantly clouds the air with steam. Plus there's sulphuric deposits all throughout the walls. It's like living in a gym coaches' shorts in here. Yuck.
Having carefully made my way through some dry patches of stone around the side of the water, I was able to get to a slightly cooler cave, where I could assess the damage to my gear.
DAMAGE REPORT:
iMac: Wet but functional
Rabbit skull: Missing
Socks: Disappeared (probably skived off on that cursed Lost Sock island, the little knitted bastards)
Bag of Soap: Melted
Ferret: Dead
Everything else: Washed away underwater
Josephine was a bit waterlogged, but after a good wringing, she seemed herself again. She is now sitting on my shoulder, making fearful little noises at the bubbling, heated water that still can be heard even at this distance.
I need a plan. I'm more than a mile down from where I SHOULD be. I need to get back to the upper caverns, but the only way I know of doing that is through the whirlpools, which are clearly a no-go.
Josephine seems to think we should take the tunnel through this cave, back the way we came, and see if it will eventually lead to higher ground. At least, that's what I think she means when she waggles her waistband around like that. Or maybe she's trying to tell me she shrunk in the water. I should check the care instructions on her tag.
I'd like to state for the records that this is all YOUR fault, Dumb-ledore. You stupid hose-brained sock-loving mall Santa. Thanks to your idiot demands, Josephine and I are going to starve to death down here. We probably. . .wait, that's it! Josephine!
I'm tying Josephine to the leg of the owl that carries these letters back up to the school, along with a vast quantity of string. Josephine, when you are carried by the cavern that we first met in, JUMP OFF the owl and start tugging on the string. I'll follow it back up through the caverns!
No Josephine, down. Down! No pets. No hugs. This is serious. Don't droop your seams at me like that. Sigh. OK, one hug.
Now get going! I hope this works. I hope you don't get lost.
Sniff. Take care.
Sincerely,
Severus Snape
P.S. If you lose my freakin' pet underwear, owl, I will rip your pinion feathers out and make an interesting boa for Gilderoy's birthday!