From the desk of Professor Severus Snape, Potions Master at Hogwarts School
of Witchcraft and Wizardry
RE: REQUEST FOR DEFENCE AGAINST THE DARK ARTS POSITION
To Whom It May Concern,
It was only a matter of hours before the string I had supplied the mail owl with went taut, and I knew my faithful Josephine was at the other end, awaiting my arrival. I clamoured over heavy boulders, through a winding and twisted path under the earth. I paused only for a quick meal to sustain myself for the rest of the journey, as well as a round of electronic Skee-Ball on my iMac. Skee-Ball is a mystical muggle game that clears the mind and invigorates the body, as well as damn fun to play. I kick Lucius' highly petticoated ASS at this game every time.
Having succesfully navigated my way back up to the original trail through the upper caverns, I've regained my precious Josephine and replotted my course. We are fast approaching the cave of the Zoowalash. I do not doubt that we shall reach it by the time my next letter is posted.
I'd just like to take this moment to thank everyone who helped me attain this goal. Not the idiot muggles who wrote letters, they don't count. They only suffice to piss me off. I'd like to thank myself, for being extremely brave and daring and handsome and well-groomed under such stress, and I'd like to thank Josephine, for saving me from a fate worse than bleach stains. I'd also like to take a second to have an awkward silence, where I completely fail to thank Dumbledore for anything.
{ . . . }
There. That should do it.
Along this new path I am walking, strange signs of the Zoolawash's presence abound. Rivers of chocolate syrup flow freely from the walls, allowing me to fill my canteens at will. Balls of string festoon the ceiling in strange and elaborate patterns that ninety-nine percent of the time spell out dirty words. I'm not sure why.
But more importantly, the walls of the cavern that leads to the Zoowalash's lair are made of PURE GOLD. How's about that, Dumbledore? GOLD!! Who cares if I'm not the DA teacher this year? I'll buy your friggin' school like I bought all those mountains in Switzerland! HA!
Josephine will also get her choice of basket beds and a fancy scratching post. Assuming argyle panties enjoy those sorts of things. If not, she'll get her own manservant to carry out her undergarment-specific whims. And a little hat with her name on it.
I think I'll also use my newfound wealth to do horrible things to people I don't like, as would be the wont of three-quarters of the planet's population. I will first have all the other professors put in a special zoo, where I will feed them peanuts every Saturday, and used car tires every other day. Umbridge will be forced to wear a fake moustache and hold a sign that reads, "Do Not Pet the Bitch." Not that there will be any fear of THAT happening.
I think I'll put Lupin on display as "The Amazing Starving Guy. . . watch him not eat!"
Then of course, I'll build a giant rollercoaster for the students to ride on. And when they do, every car on it will derail and send them flying into the lake, strapped into their seats so they can't swim to the shore. Josephine and I will be on the shore itself, sitting in matching lawnchairs and drinking white russians while watching the spectacle. I may have some sort of fun khaki beach outfit especially planned for the event.
And then I'll. . .oh my GOD. What. . . what IS that?
No. . . it isn't. It CAN'T be. Not this soon!
It's. . . it's. . .
THE PURPLE ZOOWALASH!
Left Ya Hanging,
Severus Snape
P.S. Woah.
RE: REQUEST FOR DEFENCE AGAINST THE DARK ARTS POSITION
To Whom It May Concern,
It was only a matter of hours before the string I had supplied the mail owl with went taut, and I knew my faithful Josephine was at the other end, awaiting my arrival. I clamoured over heavy boulders, through a winding and twisted path under the earth. I paused only for a quick meal to sustain myself for the rest of the journey, as well as a round of electronic Skee-Ball on my iMac. Skee-Ball is a mystical muggle game that clears the mind and invigorates the body, as well as damn fun to play. I kick Lucius' highly petticoated ASS at this game every time.
Having succesfully navigated my way back up to the original trail through the upper caverns, I've regained my precious Josephine and replotted my course. We are fast approaching the cave of the Zoowalash. I do not doubt that we shall reach it by the time my next letter is posted.
I'd just like to take this moment to thank everyone who helped me attain this goal. Not the idiot muggles who wrote letters, they don't count. They only suffice to piss me off. I'd like to thank myself, for being extremely brave and daring and handsome and well-groomed under such stress, and I'd like to thank Josephine, for saving me from a fate worse than bleach stains. I'd also like to take a second to have an awkward silence, where I completely fail to thank Dumbledore for anything.
{ . . . }
There. That should do it.
Along this new path I am walking, strange signs of the Zoolawash's presence abound. Rivers of chocolate syrup flow freely from the walls, allowing me to fill my canteens at will. Balls of string festoon the ceiling in strange and elaborate patterns that ninety-nine percent of the time spell out dirty words. I'm not sure why.
But more importantly, the walls of the cavern that leads to the Zoowalash's lair are made of PURE GOLD. How's about that, Dumbledore? GOLD!! Who cares if I'm not the DA teacher this year? I'll buy your friggin' school like I bought all those mountains in Switzerland! HA!
Josephine will also get her choice of basket beds and a fancy scratching post. Assuming argyle panties enjoy those sorts of things. If not, she'll get her own manservant to carry out her undergarment-specific whims. And a little hat with her name on it.
I think I'll also use my newfound wealth to do horrible things to people I don't like, as would be the wont of three-quarters of the planet's population. I will first have all the other professors put in a special zoo, where I will feed them peanuts every Saturday, and used car tires every other day. Umbridge will be forced to wear a fake moustache and hold a sign that reads, "Do Not Pet the Bitch." Not that there will be any fear of THAT happening.
I think I'll put Lupin on display as "The Amazing Starving Guy. . . watch him not eat!"
Then of course, I'll build a giant rollercoaster for the students to ride on. And when they do, every car on it will derail and send them flying into the lake, strapped into their seats so they can't swim to the shore. Josephine and I will be on the shore itself, sitting in matching lawnchairs and drinking white russians while watching the spectacle. I may have some sort of fun khaki beach outfit especially planned for the event.
And then I'll. . .oh my GOD. What. . . what IS that?
No. . . it isn't. It CAN'T be. Not this soon!
It's. . . it's. . .
THE PURPLE ZOOWALASH!
Left Ya Hanging,
Severus Snape
P.S. Woah.