*holds up sign: "MAJOR DUO SELF-TORTURE AHEAD"*
*ahem* Yes folks, I delve deeper into the darker side of the
paranoia in manic depression. Our cheerful, optimistic Duo
actually doubts himself and the other pilots. It's quite angsty,
I had to stop multiple times and you'll find this chapter a tad
shorter than the others. But don't worry, I'll make up for it in
the next chapter as Quatre, Trowa, and Wufei talk and all that
fun stuff.
Anywho, I'll move onto reviews before I give too much away. ^^;;
Quillan: Well of course you can have more if you're enjoying
this insanity! ^_^ In a story like this, it's essential to get
down to the nitty-gritty in their minds, that's where a lot of
authors go wrong in stories. They get so involved in detail that
they don't consider what the characters are actually thinking or
feeling. I'm the painful combination of both! (Much to the G-
boys' chagrin) I get detailed, but I dig into their minds and
bring out different facets of their personalities...and Goddess
I'm sounding like a psychology textbook. *sweatdrop* Anyway!
Have fun with the next chapter! ^^;;
WolfQueen821: Hell yeah Duo's gonna get better! O.o;; I can't
take much more of this angst! I think this is the last dark dip
and I'm going to start the recovery, as much as I love torturing
the G-boys, this is -hard-. My poor brain goes on angst overload
then I run off to vent it out on 'Sweet Revenge', which has
become quite the disturbingly humorous fic of Wufei in drag.
Quatre and Trowa get to see Duo in the next chapter with Wufei,
and Heero...I dunno about him, it just all depends. *shrug*
Meanne77: Lol, yeah, I used to be quite the avid 1x2x1 fan
too...then I read a 2x5 and got -hooked-, just something about
Duo and Wufei clicked in my mind and they've been my absolute
fave pairing since. I still like 1x2x1, but I'm more partial to
2x5x2 now. *sweatdrop* Glad you're liking this so much! ^_^
Nelia: Yes, yes, sad chapter ending. This one's just as bad, if
not worse. *sigh* But I think this is going to be the last dark
dip, I don't think my poor brain could take any more Duo-angst.
Quatre and Trowa's reactions are going to be quite entertaining
to write, I've got something planned, it's just writing it out
that's going to be a touch difficult. *sigh* But yeah, I thought
I would throw Wufei for a loop by having Duo ask 'what next?'.
Besides, it leads into this self-torture chapter. ^_^
Goddess Of Death: Well, if you like torture, then you're going
to thoroughly enjoy this chapter. ^_^ I'm so horrible to my
beloved G-boys.
Dark Ice: Yaay! Eraser fight! Who won? *grin* I got into a
machete fight with my friends the other day...though machetes
are lot more sharp and painful than erasers...o.o; *ahem*
Anywho...the sparkly light at the end of the tunnel will
definitely be clear next chapter! I promise! ^_^
Sen: Wow! So many reviews! ^_^ Well thank you very much for all
the humbling praise bestowed upon my insane musings. And it only
gets better! *grin* For some more angst, get into 'Blood Lust',
there are plenty of sniffly-get-tissues moments in that. ^_^ And
it's completed, so no waiting for chapters!
Shella: Yeah, 'Poor Duo' and 'Poor Wufei' is going to be
repeated so many times before I finish this...*sigh* Then
there's all the 'Poor Wufei' moments in 'Sweet
Revenge'...*cracks up laughing think of Wufei in drag* ANYWAYS!
I didn't even realize the perversion in Sally's comment. How
could I have missed that? *sweatdrop* I pride myself on innuendo
and I didn't even notice that! Of course, now that I know that,
I won't be able to read it and not laugh anymore...^^;;; *ahem*
Anywho, yes, all the angsty build up between Duo's state and
Wufei's stubbornness to help out of guilt is enough to make any
self-respecting fangirl melt into a puddle. That's why this
chapter was cut short! I couldn't make myself write any more Duo
self-torture! (And that's also why chapter 2 to 'Sweet Revenge'
got out so quickly...*guilty look*) And Trowa is going to
realize -exactly- how wrong he was in telling Quatre that Wufei
is too hard on himself when they get to visit Duo next chapter.
I expect Heero's answering machine is going to have a call or
two blasting him for just leaving like he did...^_^
P-chan-TheLostGirl: Thank you very much for your lovely praise!
^^;; I know how you feel, I'm an avid 2x5x2 fan also, and it's
-hard- to find good fics out there (I suggest wufeiduo.net, the
WufeiDuoYaoiML, nothing but awesome 2x5x2 and other pairings
fics). I try to keep everything as real as possible (of course
there is the exception of my vampire fic, but that's a
reasonable exception), it gives the story more feeling if you
come from experience and know what you're talking about. *nod*
Anyways, enjoy! ^_^
Silversqueen: Yes, I'm sure everyone reading this wants to jump
in and snuggle Duo-channerz to death. ^^;;; But that's what
Wufei's for! This wouldn't be a 2x5x2 fic if he wasn't! ^_^
Kinishi: Thank you, thank you. *bows* But yes, Duo is going to
sound a bit off as he's gradually coming out of the 'darkness',
though he's be all right soon. Wufei may be a bit hard on
himself, but Trowa is going to realize that his words are a
mistake too, taking this too lightly. Quatre is like a balancer,
he knows the seriousness of the situation but also knows when to
step in or stand back and let Wufei handle it. *nod* Anyways,
have fun reading!
On with the story! ^_^
***
'...I don't want to be left alone...'
Funny, how one can make a few simple words sound so powerful yet
so very pathetic at the same time. Of course, that's what I'm
here for, right?
The pathetic ex-pilot of the powerful Gundam Deathscythe. Yeah,
has a nice ring to it, don't you agree? And it's a complete
oxymoron.
Or maybe I'm the moron.
Even a moron can kill people you know. All those stupid
murderers and terrorists couldn't have had an IQ higher than 70,
it's why they were always caught or killed by their own plans.
Yes, the -great- Shinigami has been reduced to a thing that has
to depend on others just because he couldn't handle killing a
few people during the wars. That's what war is for, isn't it?
The price for peace being lots of death...but clearly, I
couldn't handle it.
Don't think I couldn't tell how uncomfortable Wufei felt when he
came to see me the second time. So now not only did I have the
other guys scared shitless, but now they can't stand to be
around me either, because they know what's going on in this
crazy mind of mine.
Oh wait, I forgot, I'm -not- crazy anymore.
Sure seems like I am though.
I'm just another reminder now of the hell we all went through
since the day we were picked out by the scientists and trained
to be the killers to eliminate the OZ threat. Shock a lab rat
enough times and it'll learn not to go the wrong way through the
maze, I'm sure that's how this is. They've all gone on with
their lives and found their own peace, then here I come
barreling right into it all with my voices and their accusations
of murder and my own desperate need to have someone there for
me.
They've gone through the pain to recover and here I am tearing
open the old scars with a wooden spoon. The last time me and
Wufei were in a room alone together was on the Lunar Base in a
prison cell and Tuburov had cut off the oxygen supply to the
whole damn cell block to kill us and the scientists. [1]
They've been shocked beyond feeling anymore, they're not going
to take the wrong way through the maze of life and relive the
past again.
Starting the countdown isn't even worth it, Wufei's not gonna
come back.
'Quatre and Trowa are out finding somewhere to stay'...
Right.
It's more like: 'Quatre and Trowa are off flagging down the
nearest departing shuttle so we can blow this mad house before
you even realize what we're doing'.
That's a lot more believable.
Well, at least it's a lot more believable then how he held my
hands and told me everything was going to be fine and sounded so
sincere...
And made me feel alive for the first time in ages. Alive, happy,
relieved...
Oh please God, let me be wrong.
Please, please, please let me be wrong.
Tell me it's real, it's not an act, that it's my own problematic
insecurities warping the truth beyond rational reason.
Wow, look at all those big words, maybe I'm not the idiot I
thought I was.
Or I've really got to stop listening to that psychiatrist with
his complicated doctor terminology.
I wish I had a clock so I knew what time it was. I've never been
a patient person and here I am waiting to see if whether or not
the guys are going to show up again.
I really hate waiting.
It seems like I've been doing nothing but wait since the wars.
Waiting to fight, waiting to die, waiting for the war to be
over, waiting for peace, waiting for my sanity to break (though
I'm supposedly -not- crazy anymore), waiting for someone to make
the voices go away, and now waiting for that someone to come
back.
I really, really hate waiting.
Wufei's gonna come back because he promised, and I'll renounce
my Shinigami title if I've ever seen him break a promise.
They'll come back, they have to...
I don't want to be left here alone.
***
[1] I was seriously about to cry when Duo and Wufei were in that
cell, of course, it could have also been from all the Quatre-
angst. I bawled when they killed his father and Iria died and
when he was under the Zero system and tried to kill Trowa and
Heero...*proud owner of the Complete Operations DVD box set, so
she can watch these scenes over and over again to torment
herself into writing the angst needed for her fics*
Speaking of crying, has anyone watched the X series? They have
like four DVDs right now, but I was watching the fourth DVD
where Kamui finally chooses the Dragons of Heaven and Fuma
awakens as the other 'Kamui' for the Dragons of Earth and kills
Kotori...Goddess, I was bawling. My friend thought I was crazy
because I was crying over anime, but he's no where near obsessed
as I am, so he just didn't understand. *sigh* He has much yet to
learn about the ways of otaku-ness.
*ahem* Anyways! Click! Review! Flame...whichever suits. ^^;;;
*ahem* Yes folks, I delve deeper into the darker side of the
paranoia in manic depression. Our cheerful, optimistic Duo
actually doubts himself and the other pilots. It's quite angsty,
I had to stop multiple times and you'll find this chapter a tad
shorter than the others. But don't worry, I'll make up for it in
the next chapter as Quatre, Trowa, and Wufei talk and all that
fun stuff.
Anywho, I'll move onto reviews before I give too much away. ^^;;
Quillan: Well of course you can have more if you're enjoying
this insanity! ^_^ In a story like this, it's essential to get
down to the nitty-gritty in their minds, that's where a lot of
authors go wrong in stories. They get so involved in detail that
they don't consider what the characters are actually thinking or
feeling. I'm the painful combination of both! (Much to the G-
boys' chagrin) I get detailed, but I dig into their minds and
bring out different facets of their personalities...and Goddess
I'm sounding like a psychology textbook. *sweatdrop* Anyway!
Have fun with the next chapter! ^^;;
WolfQueen821: Hell yeah Duo's gonna get better! O.o;; I can't
take much more of this angst! I think this is the last dark dip
and I'm going to start the recovery, as much as I love torturing
the G-boys, this is -hard-. My poor brain goes on angst overload
then I run off to vent it out on 'Sweet Revenge', which has
become quite the disturbingly humorous fic of Wufei in drag.
Quatre and Trowa get to see Duo in the next chapter with Wufei,
and Heero...I dunno about him, it just all depends. *shrug*
Meanne77: Lol, yeah, I used to be quite the avid 1x2x1 fan
too...then I read a 2x5 and got -hooked-, just something about
Duo and Wufei clicked in my mind and they've been my absolute
fave pairing since. I still like 1x2x1, but I'm more partial to
2x5x2 now. *sweatdrop* Glad you're liking this so much! ^_^
Nelia: Yes, yes, sad chapter ending. This one's just as bad, if
not worse. *sigh* But I think this is going to be the last dark
dip, I don't think my poor brain could take any more Duo-angst.
Quatre and Trowa's reactions are going to be quite entertaining
to write, I've got something planned, it's just writing it out
that's going to be a touch difficult. *sigh* But yeah, I thought
I would throw Wufei for a loop by having Duo ask 'what next?'.
Besides, it leads into this self-torture chapter. ^_^
Goddess Of Death: Well, if you like torture, then you're going
to thoroughly enjoy this chapter. ^_^ I'm so horrible to my
beloved G-boys.
Dark Ice: Yaay! Eraser fight! Who won? *grin* I got into a
machete fight with my friends the other day...though machetes
are lot more sharp and painful than erasers...o.o; *ahem*
Anywho...the sparkly light at the end of the tunnel will
definitely be clear next chapter! I promise! ^_^
Sen: Wow! So many reviews! ^_^ Well thank you very much for all
the humbling praise bestowed upon my insane musings. And it only
gets better! *grin* For some more angst, get into 'Blood Lust',
there are plenty of sniffly-get-tissues moments in that. ^_^ And
it's completed, so no waiting for chapters!
Shella: Yeah, 'Poor Duo' and 'Poor Wufei' is going to be
repeated so many times before I finish this...*sigh* Then
there's all the 'Poor Wufei' moments in 'Sweet
Revenge'...*cracks up laughing think of Wufei in drag* ANYWAYS!
I didn't even realize the perversion in Sally's comment. How
could I have missed that? *sweatdrop* I pride myself on innuendo
and I didn't even notice that! Of course, now that I know that,
I won't be able to read it and not laugh anymore...^^;;; *ahem*
Anywho, yes, all the angsty build up between Duo's state and
Wufei's stubbornness to help out of guilt is enough to make any
self-respecting fangirl melt into a puddle. That's why this
chapter was cut short! I couldn't make myself write any more Duo
self-torture! (And that's also why chapter 2 to 'Sweet Revenge'
got out so quickly...*guilty look*) And Trowa is going to
realize -exactly- how wrong he was in telling Quatre that Wufei
is too hard on himself when they get to visit Duo next chapter.
I expect Heero's answering machine is going to have a call or
two blasting him for just leaving like he did...^_^
P-chan-TheLostGirl: Thank you very much for your lovely praise!
^^;; I know how you feel, I'm an avid 2x5x2 fan also, and it's
-hard- to find good fics out there (I suggest wufeiduo.net, the
WufeiDuoYaoiML, nothing but awesome 2x5x2 and other pairings
fics). I try to keep everything as real as possible (of course
there is the exception of my vampire fic, but that's a
reasonable exception), it gives the story more feeling if you
come from experience and know what you're talking about. *nod*
Anyways, enjoy! ^_^
Silversqueen: Yes, I'm sure everyone reading this wants to jump
in and snuggle Duo-channerz to death. ^^;;; But that's what
Wufei's for! This wouldn't be a 2x5x2 fic if he wasn't! ^_^
Kinishi: Thank you, thank you. *bows* But yes, Duo is going to
sound a bit off as he's gradually coming out of the 'darkness',
though he's be all right soon. Wufei may be a bit hard on
himself, but Trowa is going to realize that his words are a
mistake too, taking this too lightly. Quatre is like a balancer,
he knows the seriousness of the situation but also knows when to
step in or stand back and let Wufei handle it. *nod* Anyways,
have fun reading!
On with the story! ^_^
***
'...I don't want to be left alone...'
Funny, how one can make a few simple words sound so powerful yet
so very pathetic at the same time. Of course, that's what I'm
here for, right?
The pathetic ex-pilot of the powerful Gundam Deathscythe. Yeah,
has a nice ring to it, don't you agree? And it's a complete
oxymoron.
Or maybe I'm the moron.
Even a moron can kill people you know. All those stupid
murderers and terrorists couldn't have had an IQ higher than 70,
it's why they were always caught or killed by their own plans.
Yes, the -great- Shinigami has been reduced to a thing that has
to depend on others just because he couldn't handle killing a
few people during the wars. That's what war is for, isn't it?
The price for peace being lots of death...but clearly, I
couldn't handle it.
Don't think I couldn't tell how uncomfortable Wufei felt when he
came to see me the second time. So now not only did I have the
other guys scared shitless, but now they can't stand to be
around me either, because they know what's going on in this
crazy mind of mine.
Oh wait, I forgot, I'm -not- crazy anymore.
Sure seems like I am though.
I'm just another reminder now of the hell we all went through
since the day we were picked out by the scientists and trained
to be the killers to eliminate the OZ threat. Shock a lab rat
enough times and it'll learn not to go the wrong way through the
maze, I'm sure that's how this is. They've all gone on with
their lives and found their own peace, then here I come
barreling right into it all with my voices and their accusations
of murder and my own desperate need to have someone there for
me.
They've gone through the pain to recover and here I am tearing
open the old scars with a wooden spoon. The last time me and
Wufei were in a room alone together was on the Lunar Base in a
prison cell and Tuburov had cut off the oxygen supply to the
whole damn cell block to kill us and the scientists. [1]
They've been shocked beyond feeling anymore, they're not going
to take the wrong way through the maze of life and relive the
past again.
Starting the countdown isn't even worth it, Wufei's not gonna
come back.
'Quatre and Trowa are out finding somewhere to stay'...
Right.
It's more like: 'Quatre and Trowa are off flagging down the
nearest departing shuttle so we can blow this mad house before
you even realize what we're doing'.
That's a lot more believable.
Well, at least it's a lot more believable then how he held my
hands and told me everything was going to be fine and sounded so
sincere...
And made me feel alive for the first time in ages. Alive, happy,
relieved...
Oh please God, let me be wrong.
Please, please, please let me be wrong.
Tell me it's real, it's not an act, that it's my own problematic
insecurities warping the truth beyond rational reason.
Wow, look at all those big words, maybe I'm not the idiot I
thought I was.
Or I've really got to stop listening to that psychiatrist with
his complicated doctor terminology.
I wish I had a clock so I knew what time it was. I've never been
a patient person and here I am waiting to see if whether or not
the guys are going to show up again.
I really hate waiting.
It seems like I've been doing nothing but wait since the wars.
Waiting to fight, waiting to die, waiting for the war to be
over, waiting for peace, waiting for my sanity to break (though
I'm supposedly -not- crazy anymore), waiting for someone to make
the voices go away, and now waiting for that someone to come
back.
I really, really hate waiting.
Wufei's gonna come back because he promised, and I'll renounce
my Shinigami title if I've ever seen him break a promise.
They'll come back, they have to...
I don't want to be left here alone.
***
[1] I was seriously about to cry when Duo and Wufei were in that
cell, of course, it could have also been from all the Quatre-
angst. I bawled when they killed his father and Iria died and
when he was under the Zero system and tried to kill Trowa and
Heero...*proud owner of the Complete Operations DVD box set, so
she can watch these scenes over and over again to torment
herself into writing the angst needed for her fics*
Speaking of crying, has anyone watched the X series? They have
like four DVDs right now, but I was watching the fourth DVD
where Kamui finally chooses the Dragons of Heaven and Fuma
awakens as the other 'Kamui' for the Dragons of Earth and kills
Kotori...Goddess, I was bawling. My friend thought I was crazy
because I was crying over anime, but he's no where near obsessed
as I am, so he just didn't understand. *sigh* He has much yet to
learn about the ways of otaku-ness.
*ahem* Anyways! Click! Review! Flame...whichever suits. ^^;;;