Author's comments – here the REAL story actually begins, having gotten past the prologue(s). Sorry they turned out to be so many and maybe a bit messy, but I felt it needed! (To be honest – considering all the hours I have spent working on the first part it would have been a serious waste not publishing it ;)
CHAPTER 1 : A FEW HOURS OF DARKNESS
A
silent rain wrapped its arms around Chicago, just like Susan wrapped Haleh's
extra cardigan over her shoulders. She touched the window with her fingertips,
and let them leave traces on the misted over glass.
A sudden sound from the bed in the middle of the room interrupted her thoughts.
She instantly turned around, only to realize that her mind once again was
playing tricks on her. An old branch of one of the trees outside broke and fell
to the ground as she went back to the hard hospital chair she had been sitting
on for hours.
The clock above the door said 3:08. It was about three hours ago since she had
helped Carter with the extubation and nodded when he had said that they needed
the trauma room. She had helped him to take the gurney up in the elevator and
when he went back to the ER she sat down at this chair. People dropped in every
once in a while, asked her something or as Gallant just stood there a few
minutes before they went back down to the cosy chaos.
Still no change. After they had gotten the sinus rhythm back the monitor had
been making the same, rhythmic sounds. Stable and secure, yes. Annoying, very
much.
She took his hand and squeezed it gently.
"Don't you think it'd be time to wake up now?" she asked him as if he
was her troublesome teenager who wouldn't get out of bed in the mornings.
The monitor beeping was the only answer she got, and she sighed. She was getting
headache in lack of caffeine, but at least Luka seemed to be pretty comfortable
now. He was breathing on his own and his vitals were if not normal then at least
good, but he still hadn't woken up a single time. She had been looking
straight at him all the time except for those minutes in front of the window,
and was surprised over how peaceful he looked. He didn't look like someone who
had tried to kill himself; he looked as if he just were sleeping a very needed
good night's sleep. Just like Chloe used to look when she had been stabilized
the hospital after an overdose.
"You have certainly managed to cause some chaos", Carter dryly had said to
Luka in the elevator on their way up, and she couldn't anything else than
agree, although she knew Carter was just upset over what Luka thought would be
his last words to Abby. It had been some night - that was for sure. It hadn't
been enough with the drama outside and especially inside trauma one, no, -it was
when they everyone except Kerry who still was checking some test results stood
outside the room things got really started to happen.
"Dr. Lewis," she suddenly heard a voice next to her say. She turned
around from where she had been leaning against the door to the trauma room and
saw Ellie, now fully dressed and with curly hair standing there, slightly behind
Gallant.
"What?"
She could see that Ellie was holding something in her hand – three small, neat
envelopes.
"I thought you might want these," the old woman said as she came forward and
gave the letters to Susan who took a brief look at them.
"What are they?"
"I found them on the floor," Ellie said, not answering the question. "You
see, Dr. Lewis, I went back to the apartment to lock the door so that no one of
those wolves I call my neighbours would get inside…"
Susan could see that the others surrounding them, especially Pratt, had a hard
time not smiling to widely at the new participate in the drama. Without her even
saying anything funny Ellie still had something around her that made everybody
smile. Maybe it was the friendly sounding accent together with her at first
sight pretty strict attitude, or then her weird taste in clothes. Right now she
was wearing a knitted scarf in all the colours of the rainbow over her brown and
white skirt and pink sweater.
"… I brought you your coat too," she finished the story of how she had
gone back up to Luka's flat, dropped the key on the livingroom floor as she
saw Susan's coat lying there, and then when she picked it up, seen the letters
underneath.
"Thank you," Susan said and reached for the white winter coat.
Carter and Abby were standing slightly behind Ellie who had become everybody's
centre of attention, and Susan could read in Carter's face that he wondered
who the heck this was. Abby seemed to recognize her though, looking nervous.
"She's Luka's neighbour," Susan said and nodded towards Ellie. "Mrs
Jones here helped me to get inside Luka's apartment." The others nodded, but
Ellie shook her head.
"But I almost didn't," she said turned to the others. "If Dr. Lewis
hadn't made clear to stupid old me that she wasn't one of those women I'd
never…-"
"No harm done, mrs Jones," Chen interrupted her with a soft pat on her arm.
Susan gave Jing-Mei a grateful look for stopping Ellie's ramblings before they
got even more out of line.
"Maybe we should…-" Carter began, she could see that also he was
embarrassed for Luka's sake. But they never got to hear what he was about to
suggest since Ellie once again started talking, still turned to Susan.
"But I was so sure you were one of all those women," she said, obviously
still not realizing this was neither the time nor the place. Susan sighed;
feeling even more uncomfortable and she could see that Abby did the same, trying
to concentrate on the white ceiling. Chen tried to say something to Ellie again,
but it didn't work this time either.
"It was so long ago he had someone nice," she sighed, almost as if she was
waiting for the others to agree.
"That nurse was nice, but that ended so sadly… he was never really himself
after that…"
Here Susan heard a stifle sound and then she saw how Abby managed to get out of
Carter's grip and ran towards the bathroom with her hands covering her mouth.
Carter gave Ellie a withering look and snapped "Thank you!" at her before
rushing after Abby. He caught up with her only seconds before she threw up on
the floor right in front of the ladies room.
Susan exchanged a horrified look with Chen before she and Pratt practically
dragged Ellie towards the chairs and away from the trauma room. Deeply sighing
and heavily leaning back against the door she at first didn't even notice that
Gallant still was standing there, apparently also he pretty shaken. She realized
that she wasn't sure if he was aware of Abby and Luka's history, but assumed
that if he hadn't been, then at least he was now.
A
few minutes passed, maybe five, could have been ten, but neither she nor Gallant
moved from the corridor. They didn't speak to each other, and when she opened
her tired eyes she saw that all his attention was turned towards what happened
inside the room. Or what didn't happen, more likely. Kerry had gone to see
another patient a while ago, and the only one left was Luka on the gurney. She
was just about to go inside the room when Carter and Abby came back. Abby seemed
calmer now, but she was holding on to Carter's hand as if he was the only
thing stopping her from falling.
"How are you feeling," Susan asked her as Abby sat down on a chair at the
opposite wall. Abby shrugged her shoulders, not looking at Susan.
"Anything new?" Carter asked nodding towards the room.
"No."
"At least it's not worse."
She nodded, feeling that they were avoiding the real subject.
"What were those letters," he said after a few minutes of silence.
"I don't know…" she said, although she was still holding them in her
hand she had forgotten all about them. She took the first one and looked at it.
There was something written on the envelope in Luka's handwriting, if possible
even more hard to read than usually. She frowned when she tried to read it.
"What does it say?"
"To moj obitelj. Whatever that means."
Carter shrugged his shoulders and took a few steps towards her.
"What about the others?" She took a look at the two letters left, and froze
when she saw what they said.
"To the one who has the bad luck of finding me," she read out aloud, looking
straight at Carter, a bit frightened. She hadn't realized before what kind of
letters these were.
"The last one," Carter said, sounding as if he had a good clue of what it
said, but didn't want it to be true. Susan looked down at it, and then at the
couple in front of her.
"…Abby"
Carter sighed.
"Great." He reached for the letter, she gave it to him and he held it out to
Abby who shook her head.
"You should take it"
She still just shook her head.
"He obviously wanted you to read it."
"And I can't! You read," she said as the first words to leave her lips
since the drama with the electric shocks earlier. Carter shook his head.
"No, Abby – I can't do that."
"Read it!" she yelled angrily. Carter looked at Susan and Gallant, both
feeling uncomfortable but not saying anything.
"Dr. Lewis, maybe we should…-" Gallant said and nodded towards the chairs
where Chen still was talking to Ellie. Susan nodded and took a few steps towards
him, but Abby shook her head even more than before.
"No! You stay here, both of you!"
"Abby, are you sure…"
"Stay!"
Susan surrendered and went back to the door. After exchanging a look with Carter
who he even in situations as this saw as his supervisor, Gallant did the same.
Feeling like an intruder Carter slowly opened the envelope. He took one last
look at Abby before he wrapped up the letter and started reading in a monotonous
voice. Every now and then he had to stop to double and triple check the words as
they were hard to read and several of them wrongly spelled.
'Dear Abby,
I'm
not going to make this a long and boring letter about how tragic my life is.
That would be no use.
When you read this I am gone forever – I just want you to know some things.
Nothing I have done tonight is your fault. You have been the only light in my
life for several years now, but unfortunately that is not enough anymore. It is
not your fault things turned out the way they did. Only I am to blame for that.
I hate myself for what I have become and don't want any more people to suffer
because of me. You know what I have become, everybody knows. And I hate it.
Don't
remember me for what I became. Remember me as the man I once was, not the man
who hurt you like I did.
I'm sorry for everything, Abby.
You are a very special person. Be happy with Carter. I know you will be.
Volem
te, Abby.
You know what it means.'
He
mustn't have been in his right mind when he wrote that. She knew he hadn't
been - no one who wrote suicide letters was. The letter was horrible, short but
still way too personal. It had been terrible to stand there, on Abby's demand
having to listen to Luka's apologies for what she had been told were things he
had said many months ago when they broke up. Neither she, Gallant nor Carter
should have heard those things. They had been between Luka and Abby and should
never have come to anyone else's knowledge. She could see that Carter felt bad
about reading it, he was reading fast and in a voice unlike his own.
Right then she hadn't understood that he was upset - angry.
Tears
streamed down Abby's face as Carter was finished reading.
"What does it mean?"
She looked up, surprised and tear eyed.
"What?"
"Volem te," Carter said with annoyance in his voice. "What does it
mean?"
She sighed and tried to put herself together. This was too much. God damn Luka
for doing this.
"It…-"
"It means 'I love you', doesn't it," they suddenly heard Gallant's
voice interrupting Abby.
Carter swallowed hard, trying not to loose his temper.
"Does it?"
"Does it?!" he repeated again when Abby didn't answer.
God damn him. God damn him! Didn't he know that she had wanted to hear those
words eighteen months ago? Not now. Certainly not now.
Finally she nodded, the tears stopping her from seeing clearly.
"Great," Carter said the second time that night and crossed his arms over
his chest.
"Ain't it just freaking great!"
"But I didn't know! John, you have to believe me, I didn't know!" She
tried to hug him but he stepped away, and she cried even more.
"You have to believe me!! I didn't know," she screamed, once again loud
enough to disturb Romano and Elizabeth.
Susan
felt a cold wind sweeping through her as she thought of Abby's desperate
cries. No one was used to see her act like that, actually she had never even
seen Abby cry – not even after the attack. It wasn't a pleasant sight either
- nothing had been pleasant this night. The thought of for how long Luka must
have been planning this, for how long he had known that December 1st
would be his last day – it really freaked her out.
"Of
course you did," Susan suddenly heard herself say. "Of course you knew."
"No!" Abby cried, "No! I didn't! Please, you have to believe me!"
She was at the edge of hysteria, but Susan felt nothing. She looked at her
devastated, crying friend, the only girlfriend she had had for years – and she
felt nothing.
"Susan…! I didn't…! Please," she once again cried, "I didn't mean
for this to happen…!"
"Of
course you didn't," they once again heard Gallant's calming voice. "It
was no one's fault," he continued, turned to Susan who looked away and went
back inside the room.
She remembered thinking that
it was probably something he had learned at his psych rotation, something you
should say to hysterical ex-girlfriends, but of course she knew it was the right
thing to say. She knew it wasn't Abby's fault; that it was just as Gallant
and Luka himself as well had said. Still she had barely been able to keep
herself from screaming something about Abby not caring and not noticing the
signs. She thanked God she had managed to keep quiet, if she hadn't Abby and
Carter's argument in the lounge later probably had been even worse. But as she
stood there next to the gurney in the trauma room the anger that had been
growing inside her for several weeks started to bubble up. What had he done to
deserve a life like this? To loose both his children and his wife at such an
early age and then coming here, only having tragedies and disappointments. No
one could deserve to have this bad karma.
Another
wave of tiredness hit her, and she felt like leaning her head against Luka's
chest and fall asleep like that. Realizing it probably would give anyone who
came inside the wrong assumptions and only result in even more gossiping she
turned around to look for something else, still holding his hand in hers.
There was no such thing as an extra pillow, the only thing she wanted right now,
in sight. Of course she could leave, maybe she even should since she wasn't
Luka's family.
But there was no one else who could sit with him, and she didn't want to leave
him alone. Tiredly sighing she turned back to him. His black hair looked so soft
against the white pillow, and not really thinking she reached out with her hand
and gently caressed it. It was soft. Soft, and very thick. It fell over his eyes
when he was lying down like this, and she tried to stroke it away even though it
hardly was bothering him. She leaned her tired head against her own shoulder and
took a close look at him. The still very pale skin, the ruffled and probably not
really newly washed dark hair. He really was a man of contrasts – the almost
Latin colours meeting his sharp lines, how his appearance seemed strict at the
edge of cold, but how it was warmed up by the soft accent when he spoke. She had
never heard him speak Croatian except for that Hamlet recitation at the sexual
harassment seminar, but she supposed his voice was very different when he
didn't have to think about the grammar and structure of every sentence. His
smiles were so rare, and lately they had been either faked or saved for one of
"those women". She smiled sadly at him and stroke her hand over his hair
once again. She genuinely hoped that it wasn't too late for him to pick up
what was left of his life and put it together.
Abby was standing in the half open door. Her eyes were red and puffy and she looked more tired than Susan felt, also she wearing an extra cardigan over her shoulders. As if she still was freezing she had wrapped her arms around herself.
"Any changes?" she asked quietly.
Susan shook her head.
"No. But Carter extubated him an hour ago."
"I know. John told me."
Susan once again noticed the fact that Abby always seemed to use Carter's first name when she was tired, upset or frightened. She didn't know if it was intentionally or not, but she suspected that it wasn't. It was kind of cute, actually.
They looked at each other for a while, neither of them moving. Abby was just about to come up with some excuse for leaving without even coming inside when Susan remembered something she had been meaning to ask.
"Does he have any realtives that speak English?" she asked Abby who tiredly shrugged her shoulders.
"I don't know. Why?"
"Don't you think they should be told?"
The brunette in the door shrugged her shoulders again.
"I guess."
"Are you sure you don't know any?"
Abby was quiet for a minute, looking down on her shoes.
"I think…- I think that his brother speaks English. At least a bit."
Susan nodded.
"Do you know his name?"
"Dubravko. Or something similar."
Susan nodded again.
"I'll try to reach him."
Abby took another close look at her white sneakers before she looked up.
"See you tomorrow."
"You don't wanna come inside?" Susan couldn't help that she felt a bit surprised when Abby shook her head.
"Look – I can leave, I'm sure you'd …-"
"No, please don't. I'm probably the last person he needs right now."
"But he…-"
Abby sighed.
"Loves me, right?"
Susan nodded, almost embarrassed over how Luka's love life seemed to be the top subject this night. Abby looked down again, playing with her fingers as if she hoped a cigarette miraculously would appear.
"That's what he thinks," she said, crossing her arms over her chest to control her fingers. "But we both know that it would never have worked out. It was for the best that we ended it."
To Susan Abby didn't sound as sure on what she had said as she wanted her to. She didn't know why she was so concerned about this all of a sudden – maybe it was her old feelings for Carter that haunted her, or then she just didn't want to see Abby like this. Sure she seemed to love Carter, but there still was something in her voice that Susan didn't want there.
"Are you sure about that?"
Abby tried to smile normally but feared that it looked even more fake than it felt.
"Yeah. After all; all we did was fight."
That wasn't true, she knew it and she hoped that Luka wasn't able to hear her. It felt like ripping a big piece of her heart out by letting out those words, but it was the best she could do right now. She was frightened, scared to death of entering that room and seeing him lay there, unable to reach.
"Volem te, Abby. You know what it means….
Volem te. Sure she knew what it meant. She was surprised that Gallant did, but her it had never passed by. She remembered the night he first said those words to her as if it was yesterday. She didn't remember her reply, though. Probably because there hadn't been any. Maybe she had kissed him, smiled at him or slept with him. Probably all of them, but not done what he had wanted.
She had been trying to form a reply in her head for several weeks, but never dared to say it out aloud. Then when they started fighting over her mother, Carter and her med school application she had almost been relieved – she wouldn't have to say it after all.
Susan let out a small sigh of relief as she heard Abby say that.
"And you love Carter, right?"
Abby desperately tried to keep up the 'I'm-totally-fine-although-my-ex-just-tried-to-kill-himself-and-before-that-said-he-still-loves-me-act'.
"Yeah… sure, I do."
Susan smiled slightly and nodded.
"Good."
"Yeah… Well, John just ended his shift and I was off two hours ago, so…"
Susan nodded for what felt like the thousand time.
"I call if there's any change."
"Yeah…Well…See you…"
She gave Susan the best smile she could come up with, left the door and when she was sure she was out of Susan's sight she ran towards the elevator as if the little up and down moving cabin was her only hope of life. She threw herself inside it as soon as the doors opened and pressed the button with the sign "Emergency Room" so hard that she feared she had broken it before the elevator finally started to move and left the ICU.