Chapter 37: Patience

Sitting up with a start, I tried to calm my breathing.  Once I identified the room I was in, I relaxed and flopped back onto the bed.  I was in my bedroom.  I was still wearing my clothes, but someone had taken off my shoes and socks, before pulling the covers over my body.  The familiarity of these actions led me to believe that Kana or Kohaku had taken me home.

No.  It must have been Kohaku.  Kana was… Kana was dead.

I shut my eyes and willed away the tears that were beginning to form.  The events before my 'nap' were flooding back into my mind with a deafening roar.

I turned onto my side, facing away from the door, and wondered if Naraku had been killed.  I decided that he must have been, because if he had won, I would have been killed.  I wasn't delusional or paranoid, but I wasn't foolishly optimistic either.  I knew that since my betrayal of him, Naraku had been waiting to kill me.  Kohaku might have been spared, but I would certainly be killed.

'At least Kana was avenged.'  I tried to reason with myself

'How can you say that?!'  Another part of my mind screamed.  'You betrayed her!  You failed to catch her, so it's your fault that she died.  Besides, even if it was Naraku's fault you still forgot her in order to claim the drugs Naraku offered you.  What a pathetic demon you are.  You should die!'

'But…'  My other half protested.

'Be quite!  You cannot excuse your actions!  Ha, I wonder what Sesshomaru will say when he finally gets around to talking with you, scum.  Perhaps he will fire you.'

'I don't care.  I only needed the job for Kana's sake, anyway.  Without her to support, I don't care.'

'Right!  You're right for once, scum.  Maybe it was better for Kana to have died.  You're obviously not worth having as a sister.'

'TAKE THAT BACK!'  I screamed at the voice in my head.  I could tell that tears were finally flowing down my face and I tried to wipe them away.  'KANA SHOULD NOT HAVE DIED!'

"Kagura?"  Kohaku asked, as he came into my room.  I rolled onto my back and sat up so that I could look at him.  "Oh, you are up.  Hey, Kana!  You were right."

"Shut up.  Don't make fun of me."  I whispered, as I looked down at my lap.  "She's dead."

"Kagura."  I heard Kana and I looked over at the door  Kana was standing there in her white night dress, smiling slightly at me.

"Kana?"  I asked, not believing that she was really there.  "OH GOD!  I'm so sorry.  Forgive me.  Forgive me!"

"I forgive you."  I heard Kana whisper.

"No, you can't!  You can never forgive me, do you hear me?"  I asked Kana.  I wouldn't let Kana forgive me, because I didn't deserve it.  I had betrayed her.  I had wanted to return to my life with Naraku.  That in its self disgusted me.

"But…"  Kana began.

"Come on, Kana.  Let's go."  Kohaku whispered.  "Go get dressed and I'll take you out for something to eat.  May I do that, Kagura?"

"I trust you."  I whispered, as I curled into a ball and turned to face that wall and curled into a ball again.  "Be careful."

I heard some shuffling, a couple muted phrases and, after a few minutes, the front door opened and closed softly, leaving me alone.

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We finally decided on a late night coffee shop that was a couple blocks from Kagura and Kana's apartment.  I suppose it was sort of my apartment too, since I only went to my own to sleep.  I ordered a regular coffee for myself and Kana bought a soda.  I reached into my back pocket to pull out some money to pay the cashier, when Kana reached over and gave the clerk a bill.  I was tempted to protest, but I decided against it.  The clerk had already give Kana the change, so I decided that I would just offer to at least pay my half of the bill, if not the entire thing.

We found a pair of seats in an empty corner of the shop and sat down across from each other.  I took a sip of my drink and noticed that Kana was staring at me.

"What?"  I asked.

"I paid for these, didn't I?"  Kana asked.

"Yes..."  I said cautiously, not sure what she was getting at.

"I'll not accept any money to pay for the bill, but perhaps you can tell me what's going on."

"I don't understand."  I replied, feeling slightly confused. 

"Bull."  Kana spat.

"I really don't.  What are you referring to?"

"My sister, you ass.  Tell me what's going on and why she was so upset back there.  I've never seen her like that.  I've never seen her cry."  Kana exclaimed almost jumping out of her seat.

"So you don't know?"  I asked, looking around at the half-empty coffee shop.

"If I knew… would I ask?"

"Kana… did you ever wonder if I had a family?"

"Don't change…"  Kana snapped, as she pounded her fist on the table.

"This is on topic."  I replied, trying to ignore the people who had turned to stare at us.  "Did you?"

"Well… everyone has a family, I just figured that everyone in your family was dead since you never talked about them."

"You're partially correct.  I have no extended family, and both my parents are dead."

"Then you have a sibling."  Kana nodded in understanding.

"An older sister."

"How come you never spoke of her until now?"

"She thinks I'm dead.  Actually, she was at the fight today."

"Was she the girl with Inuyasha?"

"No… she was the unconscious girl with the monk I saved."  I laughed.  "I disappeared about two years ago so I could continue my drug habit.  And when I managed to quit, I never bothered to contact her again.  I mean, who really wants to get a call from rehab about their missing brother?  I keep tabs on her, and periodically I go to see her, but I never let her see me.  I keep promising myself that someday, when I've done something she'd be proud of, I'll go see her.  Funny.  It seems that the longer I wait the harder it is for me to do something she'd be proud of."

"What the point of this?  You said there was one."

"The point is that I had a secret from you, just like Kagura does now.  I didn't tell you because I wasn't ready.  Kagura hasn't because she isn't ready.  Some secrets are only meant to be told when the bearer is ready.  I am not Kagura, so I can't tell you."

"Can't or won't?"

"Both."  I shrugged.  "Someday Kagura will tell you."

"I can't help her if I don't know what her error is."

"All you have to do is wait, and don't push her.  I think it would be best if she knows that you care.  However, I imagine that Kagura might need to… spend some time on her own."

"She'll be okay though, right?"  Kana asked, as she opened her soda.

"Everyone gets better sooner or later."  I shrugged.  "It just depends on how patient they are."