Ah, finally the entire story. Or is it?
Chapter 5
The Whole Story
"Hi, Hoshi," came the quiet, but familiar voice of my father from the door. "I know I didn't exactly letcha know I was comin'... but I sorta found an address and your name-"
On a piece of paper that *I* wrote them down on.
"- and I realized I really needed t' talk t' you. 'S it alright if I come in?"
I could see Hoshi freeze up, not knowing whether or not letting him in would be a good idea, but then, almost mechanically, she said, "Sure," and stepped back.
I hardly knew I was holding my breath, but as soon as Hoshi took that step away from the door, I just couldn't breathe out. I knew from the start that I was taking a risk by searching through the past, but I guess I just never thought I would actually get caught.
After what seemed too long a time, especially for someone who refused to let her breath out, in walked my dad. After what little I recently learned, it seemed like I was seeing the real him for the first time in my life. His dark blonde hair was dulled gray from old age, but his face only slightly more wrinkled than the face I remember from my childhood, and his deep blue eyes faded like the old picture in the attic. His movements were slower than I remember, though I wasn't sure whether that was because he was wary of being around Hoshi, or because of me.
It didn't take him long for his eyes to find me, and when he did, he wasn't really sure what to think of finding me here, of all places. He looked from me to Hoshi, who had just closed the door behind him, and only when he saw the guilty looks on our faces did he accuse us of what he believed we had done from the moment he saw me.
He stared at the floor, shaking his head in disappointment. He said sadly, "Hoshi... You promised you wouldn't ever tell 'er..."
Hoshi looked at him with her head tilted to one side. "Trip, as much as I wanted to keep that promise, I just couldn't. She's worried about you. And *I'm* worried about you."
"Well there's nothin' t' worry about, okay?" he asked sharply, turning his eyes on her.
Hoshi began to pull at her sleeve again, turning her focus away from his gaze.
"Dad..."
He turned to me. "Why didn't you just let it go? The past is the past, leave it there."
"I would've if you weren't so depressed lately."
"I-" He stopped himself.
By now, Hoshi had gone away from us to sit on the chair at the other end of the hotel, and my dad was, on one hand, furious at broken promises and just about everything I had done behind his back. But on the other hand, he was silently happy- I hoped- that I cared to help him, and that I might be able to.
I had no idea what to say. Dad said nothing, and Hoshi didn't even move.
Finally, after a long silence, his eyes became much gentler, and the anger in them faded away. He sat down in the chair beside mine, and took my hand. "I'm sorry."
"For what?" I asked quietly.
"For yellin' at you... when you just wanted t' help me." He looked over at Hoshi, his look softer now. "I'm sorry Hoshi."
She gave him a half-smile. "That's alright." She took a second's pause to look at both of us, and said, "I think I'm just going to go outside and read... let you both talk alone."
We both watched her step outside. She had grace- not only in her walk and in her speech, but also in how she simply left us without trying to clear her name for what she had done, left without trying to explain herself in a futile attempt to prove she wasn't guilty. I couldn't help but be... envious.
He waited for Hoshi to leave before asking, "So what'd she tell you?"
"She told me about Ah'Len," I said bluntly.
"Hm."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"I don't know..." he said quietly.
"D' you think it was your fault?"
He nodded.
"Why?"
"We only went back and found them because of *me*. The Klingons wouldn't have found them if we didn't go back."
"Well what if they did anyway?"
"It was my fault I didn't fix the engines!" he told me, his voice wavering and tears blurring his eyes.
Just then, a realization came to mind, and my heart sank. I had to ask, even though I already knew the answer. "Why'd you try t' find them?"
He dropped his head, not wanting to tell me what I painfully already knew. "K'Ela... what else was I s'posed t' do? At the time, I thought I wouldn't be able t' take care of you. I wanted you t' have somethin' better than what I could give you." He flashed me a nervous smile. "But I can't pretend that I did it selflessly. I was scared. I just wanted things t' go back t' normal."
"When did you actually want me?" I asked, trying to take some of the sharpness out of my tone.
Still, I hurt him, and he took a moment to regain himself before he answered me. "I think I started t' actually think about things a lot later than I wanted to believe. At first, I just assumed we would find the Xyrillians, and I just refused to think about anything beyond how much I hated bein' pregnant.
"But then... when I realized I couldn't go back to Ah'Len an' tell 'er t' help me... I looked at all my options."
"Did you ever..." The words felt as though they were a lump in my throat. "... want an abortion?"
"Never," he said, shaking his head. "I thought about it all, I'm not gonna lie, but I wasn't gonna do that. I weighed out all my options, and somewhere in that process..." He smiled at me. "... I realized how much I loved you."
I smiled back. I leaned over to his chair and hugged him. I hadn't exactly took into consideration all the tough decisions he had to make before I was even born, or maybe I was just didn't want to believe the complexity behind it all. Either way, I knew now I had heard the whole story, and he had been able to confide in me.
I was so happy that this whole problem with secrets was over.
Suddenly, a flash went through my mind, and I wasn't so at ease anymore.
I saw Jon, pacing in our house. I didn't ever remember him being in our house, though I remember his transmissions. I knew why when I looked down. In my arms was unmistakably me as a toddler, my eyes shut in a deep sleep.
"Trip, why do you think that makes a difference?" Jon asked.
Then I heard myself respond, "I tried t' believe I was the same, but I'm not. I'm just not comfortable around everyone like before."
Jon stopped, giving me a confused glare. "Including me?"
I nodded.
"And you're not going to even try? Trip, the whole idea of adjusting is to actually try to make things work even though things are different."
"Believe me, I tried. But every transmission and every conversation showed me that no one really was comfortable, and no one knew what to say. Your whole life for these three years while I was here was Enterprise, and meeting new people and new species, and you're gonna go back in a little while an' do it again. My whole life since comin' back t' Earth has been K'Ela. As much as I wouldn't trade this life with her in for the whole universe, you gotta realize we can't relate anymore."
Jon breathed out a long sigh, nodding. "I'm sorry, Trip."
"K'Ela?" asked my dad, concerned that I hadn't responded, or maybe that I hadn't let go of him. "K'Ela, are you alright?"
I was terrified. What *was* that? Was that just my imagination, or was it an actual memory of my father's that I somehow was able to see?
I realized then that he was still watching me, waiting for me to respond. I tried to regain as much composure as I could, and said, "I'm fine."
Did you think it was over? Oh, now it's never *that* easy! ^_^ Please review- oh, and I know lately, I've been getting e-mails that people are unable to use the review board (probably with all the construction on the site), so if you can't, or you don't want to, all e-mails are welcome... that is, except for flames. You want to e-mail me, my address is FirstSnow1212@aol.com.
Chapter 5
The Whole Story
"Hi, Hoshi," came the quiet, but familiar voice of my father from the door. "I know I didn't exactly letcha know I was comin'... but I sorta found an address and your name-"
On a piece of paper that *I* wrote them down on.
"- and I realized I really needed t' talk t' you. 'S it alright if I come in?"
I could see Hoshi freeze up, not knowing whether or not letting him in would be a good idea, but then, almost mechanically, she said, "Sure," and stepped back.
I hardly knew I was holding my breath, but as soon as Hoshi took that step away from the door, I just couldn't breathe out. I knew from the start that I was taking a risk by searching through the past, but I guess I just never thought I would actually get caught.
After what seemed too long a time, especially for someone who refused to let her breath out, in walked my dad. After what little I recently learned, it seemed like I was seeing the real him for the first time in my life. His dark blonde hair was dulled gray from old age, but his face only slightly more wrinkled than the face I remember from my childhood, and his deep blue eyes faded like the old picture in the attic. His movements were slower than I remember, though I wasn't sure whether that was because he was wary of being around Hoshi, or because of me.
It didn't take him long for his eyes to find me, and when he did, he wasn't really sure what to think of finding me here, of all places. He looked from me to Hoshi, who had just closed the door behind him, and only when he saw the guilty looks on our faces did he accuse us of what he believed we had done from the moment he saw me.
He stared at the floor, shaking his head in disappointment. He said sadly, "Hoshi... You promised you wouldn't ever tell 'er..."
Hoshi looked at him with her head tilted to one side. "Trip, as much as I wanted to keep that promise, I just couldn't. She's worried about you. And *I'm* worried about you."
"Well there's nothin' t' worry about, okay?" he asked sharply, turning his eyes on her.
Hoshi began to pull at her sleeve again, turning her focus away from his gaze.
"Dad..."
He turned to me. "Why didn't you just let it go? The past is the past, leave it there."
"I would've if you weren't so depressed lately."
"I-" He stopped himself.
By now, Hoshi had gone away from us to sit on the chair at the other end of the hotel, and my dad was, on one hand, furious at broken promises and just about everything I had done behind his back. But on the other hand, he was silently happy- I hoped- that I cared to help him, and that I might be able to.
I had no idea what to say. Dad said nothing, and Hoshi didn't even move.
Finally, after a long silence, his eyes became much gentler, and the anger in them faded away. He sat down in the chair beside mine, and took my hand. "I'm sorry."
"For what?" I asked quietly.
"For yellin' at you... when you just wanted t' help me." He looked over at Hoshi, his look softer now. "I'm sorry Hoshi."
She gave him a half-smile. "That's alright." She took a second's pause to look at both of us, and said, "I think I'm just going to go outside and read... let you both talk alone."
We both watched her step outside. She had grace- not only in her walk and in her speech, but also in how she simply left us without trying to clear her name for what she had done, left without trying to explain herself in a futile attempt to prove she wasn't guilty. I couldn't help but be... envious.
He waited for Hoshi to leave before asking, "So what'd she tell you?"
"She told me about Ah'Len," I said bluntly.
"Hm."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"I don't know..." he said quietly.
"D' you think it was your fault?"
He nodded.
"Why?"
"We only went back and found them because of *me*. The Klingons wouldn't have found them if we didn't go back."
"Well what if they did anyway?"
"It was my fault I didn't fix the engines!" he told me, his voice wavering and tears blurring his eyes.
Just then, a realization came to mind, and my heart sank. I had to ask, even though I already knew the answer. "Why'd you try t' find them?"
He dropped his head, not wanting to tell me what I painfully already knew. "K'Ela... what else was I s'posed t' do? At the time, I thought I wouldn't be able t' take care of you. I wanted you t' have somethin' better than what I could give you." He flashed me a nervous smile. "But I can't pretend that I did it selflessly. I was scared. I just wanted things t' go back t' normal."
"When did you actually want me?" I asked, trying to take some of the sharpness out of my tone.
Still, I hurt him, and he took a moment to regain himself before he answered me. "I think I started t' actually think about things a lot later than I wanted to believe. At first, I just assumed we would find the Xyrillians, and I just refused to think about anything beyond how much I hated bein' pregnant.
"But then... when I realized I couldn't go back to Ah'Len an' tell 'er t' help me... I looked at all my options."
"Did you ever..." The words felt as though they were a lump in my throat. "... want an abortion?"
"Never," he said, shaking his head. "I thought about it all, I'm not gonna lie, but I wasn't gonna do that. I weighed out all my options, and somewhere in that process..." He smiled at me. "... I realized how much I loved you."
I smiled back. I leaned over to his chair and hugged him. I hadn't exactly took into consideration all the tough decisions he had to make before I was even born, or maybe I was just didn't want to believe the complexity behind it all. Either way, I knew now I had heard the whole story, and he had been able to confide in me.
I was so happy that this whole problem with secrets was over.
Suddenly, a flash went through my mind, and I wasn't so at ease anymore.
I saw Jon, pacing in our house. I didn't ever remember him being in our house, though I remember his transmissions. I knew why when I looked down. In my arms was unmistakably me as a toddler, my eyes shut in a deep sleep.
"Trip, why do you think that makes a difference?" Jon asked.
Then I heard myself respond, "I tried t' believe I was the same, but I'm not. I'm just not comfortable around everyone like before."
Jon stopped, giving me a confused glare. "Including me?"
I nodded.
"And you're not going to even try? Trip, the whole idea of adjusting is to actually try to make things work even though things are different."
"Believe me, I tried. But every transmission and every conversation showed me that no one really was comfortable, and no one knew what to say. Your whole life for these three years while I was here was Enterprise, and meeting new people and new species, and you're gonna go back in a little while an' do it again. My whole life since comin' back t' Earth has been K'Ela. As much as I wouldn't trade this life with her in for the whole universe, you gotta realize we can't relate anymore."
Jon breathed out a long sigh, nodding. "I'm sorry, Trip."
"K'Ela?" asked my dad, concerned that I hadn't responded, or maybe that I hadn't let go of him. "K'Ela, are you alright?"
I was terrified. What *was* that? Was that just my imagination, or was it an actual memory of my father's that I somehow was able to see?
I realized then that he was still watching me, waiting for me to respond. I tried to regain as much composure as I could, and said, "I'm fine."
Did you think it was over? Oh, now it's never *that* easy! ^_^ Please review- oh, and I know lately, I've been getting e-mails that people are unable to use the review board (probably with all the construction on the site), so if you can't, or you don't want to, all e-mails are welcome... that is, except for flames. You want to e-mail me, my address is FirstSnow1212@aol.com.