Strong Enough
Chapter 7
The next afternoon Jaina headed for the Falcon and the confrontation with her mother that was long overdue. Han was meeting with Wedge, and though she'd love to be a bug on the wall for that conversation, she had her own to do. Kyp was, thankfully, staying away for the moment, out on an inspection of the Twin Suns. Sometimes being a Goddess was nice; it got her out of the every day workings of her squad. When she wanted that is. And today she certainly didn't need to deal with it.
"Mom?" she called, walking up the ramp to the Falcon's interior. She headed for the game room only to find her mother wasn't there. "Mom?" she called again.
"Up here, honey!" came the muffled voice from the cockpit, "Give me a minute, I'll be right there!"
Again she was in the cockpit? What was it her mom was doing in there anyway? Jaina paced back and forth across the game room, waiting, unable to sit still. Her brain was still reeling from the information that she and Kyp were supposed to be helping Tahiri. She fought against the onslaught of emotions that threatened with every thought of Anakin's girlfriend. The blonde haired imp that still refused to wear shoes. She sighed, shaking her head to banish the thoughts. Dealing with Tahiri was going to be like dealing with Jag. It was going to take some careful wording and action. And it was going to be hell.
"Sorry, Jaina, was there something I could help you with?"
She looked up to find her mother cleaning her hands with an oily rag and blinked. "Mom? What are you doing in there?"
Leia shrugged. "Your father asked me to double check the placement of the new chair since Chewie's was removed. I'm making some adjustments."
"Oh." Jaina motioned for her mom to sit. "Could you... I mean, is it possible we could talk? About Kyp and I?"
"I said everything I've intended to say on the matter, Jaina." Leia told her pointedly. "You know I don't approve of the relationship."
Jaina sighed. "I know. I'm sorry you don't, I mean, you were younger than me when you and dad-"
"That's different."
"How?"
Leia sighed, settling into the booth and Jaina sitting across from her. "Your father and I... well, he didn't like me much at first. And I admit I didn't like him either, even though I couldn't seem to stop looking at him. Han was very..."
Jaina smiled wryly. "Compelling?"
Leia nodded. "That's it exactly. Now, Jaina, I know you're drawn to Kyp, but Jag is a much better match for you. He's from a good family, he's Wedge's nephew you know, and he has more prospects than Kyp will ever have."
"Would you have married Isolder, mom?" Jaina asked quietly. "Would you have, if you knew what you know now?"
"Of course not."
"Then why should I marry Jag when I know it would be condemning myself to a life without love?" Jaina folded her hands on the table top, looking directly at them, unable to meet her mother's gaze. "Jag loves me, he might even be in love with me, but I'm not with him. I don't feel compelled to search him out after a mission to check if he's alright. I don't have these urges to find him when something goes wrong and just talk about it. I don't fall asleep at night thinking about him. I didn't choose to fall in love with Kyp. If I could have, do you think I would?"
Leia folded her hands around her daughter's and squeezed. "Why do you love Kyp Jaina?"
Jaina sat back, biting her lip. "I don't know. I just... do. He makes me smile, makes me laugh. He's not afraid to challenge me when he knows I'm wrong. He treats me like an equal. He's funny, and caring, and he's always there when I need someone." She sighed, shaking her head. "He's worked his way so far under my skin I have a hard time keeping my eyes off him when he's around. Not to mention my hands."
"Jaina!" Leia scolded, but she was smiling reluctantly. "I see he's managed to effect you the way your father does me."
Jaina finally lifted her head to meet her mother's gaze. "But you don't like him."
"No, and I don't know if that will ever change." Leia squeezed her hands before letting go. "I did say I'd try to understand, Jaina, to accept it, but it's not going to be easy. I don't want to see you hurt again."
"I don't want to be hurt," she admitted quietly. "But Kyp has been good to his word. He thinks about me first, even before his own problems, and I know he's got alot of them. Is it wrong to love someone because they accept you as you are, not for what you could become?"
"Of course not."
Jaina pushed herself to her feet and began to pace. "Then why are you so against it. Jag doesn't love me; he loves what I could become. His wife, the mother of his children and the woman who'll settle down to give him anything he wants. At least, that's what some of our conversations have led me to believe. Do you know he actually expects me to stop flying if the Vong are ever pushed back? He wants me to settle with him in Chiss space. Chiss! As if I could ever live in the unknown regions with little or no contact with my family. I mean, sure, for a visit but live there?"
Leia settled back, listening. It wasn't often she saw Jaina let loose like this and it was a refreshing change from the standoffish conversations they'd had the last few times. It was nice not to argue with her daughter.
"And then, before he goes on this routine scout he's on now, he has the nerve to say I'd be honored! Honored, ha! What's that supposed to mean, I mean, come on, honor is good but I prefer my freedom. It was strange, until Kyp ran from me in the hangar a few days ago, I'd had this feeling like something was missing. Like something was weighing me down, pressing on my chest and making it hard to breathe. When I realized, after confronting Kyp, what was missing, I broke off the engagement and I felt free. Is that wrong? Is it wrong to feel good about breaking someone's hopes because you own are suddenly restored?"
Jaina stopped, turning to look at her mom, her cheeks suddenly flaming. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to spit all that out."
Leia shook her head. "Don't apologize, it helps me make sense of what you're doing and why. From the sound of it you're still pretty confused as to what you're wanting."
"No, no, I know what I want. It's just..." Jaina rubbed her forehead. "It's like suddenly being handed the galaxy on a silver platter and someone saying I can have anything, do anything, I want and nobody can stop me. At least, that's how it feels with Kyp. With Jag it was like being told I could have anything only the outer rim was off limits, the unknown regions were forbidden and the core was out of the question. The options seemed more limited and restricted. Kyp's wild enough that the options, all the options, are still open. He doesn't have the roots that Jag does so he's willing to explore more. To examine all the options, bar none. It's very refreshing to have someone like that challenge me."
"So what's the problem then? I don't think you came here just to try and convince me that Kyp is better for you. I'll reserve my judgment on that issue for after you two last over a year. If that's possible."
Jaina settled back into the chair. "Uncle Luke and the Jedi Council have asked Kyp and I to look out for Tahiri." Her throat closed but she swallowed the lump and continued, "Apparently she's going through a darkside spiral that only Kyp and I can help with." She shook her head. "I don't see why Uncle Luke would think we can help her."
Leia was silent. Tahiri's name brought back the pain of losing her baby, and it took her a minute to recover. "Why not you?" Leia asked softly. "You've been where she is, Jaina. I admit Jacen was returned to us, but he's different now. You know what it's like to lose someone as close to you as Anakin was to her. She could learn something from you."
"But why now?" Jaina closed her eyes, rubbing her forehead, "Why when I'm breaking off my engagement, and getting into a new relationship? Couldn't he wait for a week or two?"
Leia laughed. "Things happen for a reason, Jaina. You'll figure it out."
Jaina glanced at her mom with a smile. "All I need is for Zekk to show up and I'm top ranked. I've gotta run, I have reports to finish before Jag returns tonight. Once that's over with I doubt I'll have the peace of mind to deal with them."
Leia nodded, finding a smile for her daughter as she left the Falcon but once Jaina was out of sight it slowly died. She'd been given alot to think about.
Chapter 7
The next afternoon Jaina headed for the Falcon and the confrontation with her mother that was long overdue. Han was meeting with Wedge, and though she'd love to be a bug on the wall for that conversation, she had her own to do. Kyp was, thankfully, staying away for the moment, out on an inspection of the Twin Suns. Sometimes being a Goddess was nice; it got her out of the every day workings of her squad. When she wanted that is. And today she certainly didn't need to deal with it.
"Mom?" she called, walking up the ramp to the Falcon's interior. She headed for the game room only to find her mother wasn't there. "Mom?" she called again.
"Up here, honey!" came the muffled voice from the cockpit, "Give me a minute, I'll be right there!"
Again she was in the cockpit? What was it her mom was doing in there anyway? Jaina paced back and forth across the game room, waiting, unable to sit still. Her brain was still reeling from the information that she and Kyp were supposed to be helping Tahiri. She fought against the onslaught of emotions that threatened with every thought of Anakin's girlfriend. The blonde haired imp that still refused to wear shoes. She sighed, shaking her head to banish the thoughts. Dealing with Tahiri was going to be like dealing with Jag. It was going to take some careful wording and action. And it was going to be hell.
"Sorry, Jaina, was there something I could help you with?"
She looked up to find her mother cleaning her hands with an oily rag and blinked. "Mom? What are you doing in there?"
Leia shrugged. "Your father asked me to double check the placement of the new chair since Chewie's was removed. I'm making some adjustments."
"Oh." Jaina motioned for her mom to sit. "Could you... I mean, is it possible we could talk? About Kyp and I?"
"I said everything I've intended to say on the matter, Jaina." Leia told her pointedly. "You know I don't approve of the relationship."
Jaina sighed. "I know. I'm sorry you don't, I mean, you were younger than me when you and dad-"
"That's different."
"How?"
Leia sighed, settling into the booth and Jaina sitting across from her. "Your father and I... well, he didn't like me much at first. And I admit I didn't like him either, even though I couldn't seem to stop looking at him. Han was very..."
Jaina smiled wryly. "Compelling?"
Leia nodded. "That's it exactly. Now, Jaina, I know you're drawn to Kyp, but Jag is a much better match for you. He's from a good family, he's Wedge's nephew you know, and he has more prospects than Kyp will ever have."
"Would you have married Isolder, mom?" Jaina asked quietly. "Would you have, if you knew what you know now?"
"Of course not."
"Then why should I marry Jag when I know it would be condemning myself to a life without love?" Jaina folded her hands on the table top, looking directly at them, unable to meet her mother's gaze. "Jag loves me, he might even be in love with me, but I'm not with him. I don't feel compelled to search him out after a mission to check if he's alright. I don't have these urges to find him when something goes wrong and just talk about it. I don't fall asleep at night thinking about him. I didn't choose to fall in love with Kyp. If I could have, do you think I would?"
Leia folded her hands around her daughter's and squeezed. "Why do you love Kyp Jaina?"
Jaina sat back, biting her lip. "I don't know. I just... do. He makes me smile, makes me laugh. He's not afraid to challenge me when he knows I'm wrong. He treats me like an equal. He's funny, and caring, and he's always there when I need someone." She sighed, shaking her head. "He's worked his way so far under my skin I have a hard time keeping my eyes off him when he's around. Not to mention my hands."
"Jaina!" Leia scolded, but she was smiling reluctantly. "I see he's managed to effect you the way your father does me."
Jaina finally lifted her head to meet her mother's gaze. "But you don't like him."
"No, and I don't know if that will ever change." Leia squeezed her hands before letting go. "I did say I'd try to understand, Jaina, to accept it, but it's not going to be easy. I don't want to see you hurt again."
"I don't want to be hurt," she admitted quietly. "But Kyp has been good to his word. He thinks about me first, even before his own problems, and I know he's got alot of them. Is it wrong to love someone because they accept you as you are, not for what you could become?"
"Of course not."
Jaina pushed herself to her feet and began to pace. "Then why are you so against it. Jag doesn't love me; he loves what I could become. His wife, the mother of his children and the woman who'll settle down to give him anything he wants. At least, that's what some of our conversations have led me to believe. Do you know he actually expects me to stop flying if the Vong are ever pushed back? He wants me to settle with him in Chiss space. Chiss! As if I could ever live in the unknown regions with little or no contact with my family. I mean, sure, for a visit but live there?"
Leia settled back, listening. It wasn't often she saw Jaina let loose like this and it was a refreshing change from the standoffish conversations they'd had the last few times. It was nice not to argue with her daughter.
"And then, before he goes on this routine scout he's on now, he has the nerve to say I'd be honored! Honored, ha! What's that supposed to mean, I mean, come on, honor is good but I prefer my freedom. It was strange, until Kyp ran from me in the hangar a few days ago, I'd had this feeling like something was missing. Like something was weighing me down, pressing on my chest and making it hard to breathe. When I realized, after confronting Kyp, what was missing, I broke off the engagement and I felt free. Is that wrong? Is it wrong to feel good about breaking someone's hopes because you own are suddenly restored?"
Jaina stopped, turning to look at her mom, her cheeks suddenly flaming. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to spit all that out."
Leia shook her head. "Don't apologize, it helps me make sense of what you're doing and why. From the sound of it you're still pretty confused as to what you're wanting."
"No, no, I know what I want. It's just..." Jaina rubbed her forehead. "It's like suddenly being handed the galaxy on a silver platter and someone saying I can have anything, do anything, I want and nobody can stop me. At least, that's how it feels with Kyp. With Jag it was like being told I could have anything only the outer rim was off limits, the unknown regions were forbidden and the core was out of the question. The options seemed more limited and restricted. Kyp's wild enough that the options, all the options, are still open. He doesn't have the roots that Jag does so he's willing to explore more. To examine all the options, bar none. It's very refreshing to have someone like that challenge me."
"So what's the problem then? I don't think you came here just to try and convince me that Kyp is better for you. I'll reserve my judgment on that issue for after you two last over a year. If that's possible."
Jaina settled back into the chair. "Uncle Luke and the Jedi Council have asked Kyp and I to look out for Tahiri." Her throat closed but she swallowed the lump and continued, "Apparently she's going through a darkside spiral that only Kyp and I can help with." She shook her head. "I don't see why Uncle Luke would think we can help her."
Leia was silent. Tahiri's name brought back the pain of losing her baby, and it took her a minute to recover. "Why not you?" Leia asked softly. "You've been where she is, Jaina. I admit Jacen was returned to us, but he's different now. You know what it's like to lose someone as close to you as Anakin was to her. She could learn something from you."
"But why now?" Jaina closed her eyes, rubbing her forehead, "Why when I'm breaking off my engagement, and getting into a new relationship? Couldn't he wait for a week or two?"
Leia laughed. "Things happen for a reason, Jaina. You'll figure it out."
Jaina glanced at her mom with a smile. "All I need is for Zekk to show up and I'm top ranked. I've gotta run, I have reports to finish before Jag returns tonight. Once that's over with I doubt I'll have the peace of mind to deal with them."
Leia nodded, finding a smile for her daughter as she left the Falcon but once Jaina was out of sight it slowly died. She'd been given alot to think about.