Ack! Writing is slow. It's all school's fault! #^ . ^#;;;;; Anyway...
sorry for the delay, although I don't think anyone was more eager to move
on in the story than I was! So much angst! Isn't it great? ^ - ^
Chapter 9
Falling
As they talked, I couldn't help feeling awful, as though someone had tightened their grip on my heart until it was ready to burst. My mind just completely went blank, and I could only stare off into nowhere as life went on around me. What else didn't I know? Who else just drifted briefly in and out of my life, making it hell for my father and me and then leaving? And had my dad lied to me my entire life?
I looked over at the two of them, talking together. They were so calm. It didn't seem right when I was crying.
"So where's K'Ela now?" she asked my dad.
"I decided it'd be better if she stayed with a neighbor while I was here. I really didn't wanna leave 'er, but... I figured there'd be a lot of yellin' today," he said solemnly. "I'm gonna try not t' traumatize 'er this early in 'er life."
"It's gonna happen anyway, ya don't need t' try not to," I said from my spot on the floor. I had pretty much sunk down there when I heard the truth behind the story with him and Ah'Len, and I had no intention of getting up.
I couldn't believe I ever cared what happened to her. She deceived my father, and she hurt him.
And that awful word: rape. It stayed present in my thoughts and left a bitter taste in my mouth. It stayed with me, plagued me, burned inside me. I felt a whole lot like throwing up. I just wanted it all to go away.
"So..." my grandmother sighed, interrupting my thoughts. "Do you have a place to stay?"
"Yeah. Don't worry about us."
"I have to. It's my job," she joked, but she was very serious.
They looked at each other then with a shared understanding; they were both parents worried about their children, each with good reason.
I heard the door open, and anxiety froze me. My grandfather walked into the kitchen, looking from my grandmother to my father. He was obviously distressed.
"Trip," he greeted, holding back his urge to speak right away about what was bothering him.
"Hi dad."
He continued to look at my father, but addressed my grandmother. "I need t' talk t' Trip alone a minute."
I could tell she knew it wasn't a very good idea, but she really had to let the two of them discuss- or really, argue about- this whole situation. She went to the living room, but listened to their conversation, ready to get between them if necessary.
I don't know how long I listened for. For whatever amount of time, it was too long. My grandfather would hardly let him explain. He didn't want to hear it. My father had thrown his life away, had given up everything he worked so hard for, had disappointed him more than he would really know... and he continued to make my dad feel less and less like explaining.
My father tried to intervene, as well as my grandmother, but it was hopeless. He wanted to finish, to have his say on things. He wanted to "clear things up," but there never was an opportunity for my dad to speak. Nevertheless, there were many rumors already floating around town, and they needed to be addressed.
He told my dad that he wasn't the same son that left with all those dreams, the person that he tried to support no matter what. He told my dad some of the rumors he had heard, some of which were very far off from the real reason why he had returned, and most of which criticized his character.
I was shaking by then, sobbing uncontrollably. Why was he doing this? If he only let my father explain...
And finally, he did. He just blurted the whole thing out, his voice overpowering his father's, and stunning him with the truth.
The tears still slipped down my cheeks, but the pain inside was beginning to subside with a feeling of numbness. I felt like I was fading, nothing more than an illusion.
My grandfather was taken aback for a moment from what he had just heard, then responded. "Trip... why?"
He just stared back in bewilderment. "'Why?'!"
"What possessed you t' do this?"
Both my dad and I were amazed. Wasn't he ever going to realize he was wrong? And that now that he knew the truth behind my father's return home, shouldn't he at least support him, as he said he always had before?
"You know what ya did was almost impossible, an' not meant t' ever happen t' *begin* with," he tried to convince his son. "Now yer tryin' t' *raise* this baby that'cha know nothin' about? An' ya think that *that* was a *good* decision? Ya shoulda left 'er with people of 'er own species who know how'ta take care of 'er, Trip."
He took a moment to try to collect himself before the rage came out. "Dammit, Dad, why can't you just *accept* what I did?! I don't care if ya agree or not, but at least acknowledge the fact that I had *reasons*!"
I began to come back from the numb feeling, the feeling of just slipping away, and back to the pain. I stood up, wiping the tears from my eyes. I wanted to get away. I don't know what it was, I just couldn't sit there anymore, listening to all of it. But when I tried to leave the room, I stopped moving. The more I tried, the more paralyzed I felt.
"Fine," said my grandfather, but I couldn't tell whether his tone was sympathetic, or cold. "Then accept *my* reasons."
It was impossible to leave, as hard as I tried. I had to stay with my father, to see what he saw and hear what he heard. It was no use, so I just gave up and went back to the middle of the room. I was going to see what I was going to see, and I was just going to have to take it.
When I turned around, I could see my father was seething with anger, but doing his best to keep as calm as he could. His emotions were easy to feel, but his thoughts were very mixed. On one hand, he could see his own father was angry because my father had given up his life for me, and on the other hand, he was angry that his father refused to see the other side of things. There was just so much confusion...
"You don't have any reasons," my dad said quietly, but unkindly.
"What?" his father spat back.
"Charlie!" my grandmother gasped in disbelief, and I couldn't believe it myself.
"It's true, ma!" he told her. "He has no reasons! Not compared t' mine!"
"You don't hafta argue with me, Trip!" he insisted. "I can see *your* reasons!" He made a noise of frustration. "Dammit, I'm on your side!"
My dad was beginning to turn red with anger. "You're on my side?" he challenged. "Then tell me- do you want K'Ela as a granddaughter?"
My grandfather opened his mouth to answer, but said nothing.
"That's what I thought," my dad said disappointedly, and stormed out, my grandmother in tears calling after him.
I could feel the memory falling away from me, the voices fading into nothing, the emotions slipping from my body, the light disappearing. It was like the entire world was melting, and I was left in the darkness, all alone.
It was so dark, and I wasn't waking up. I just couldn't. I was trapped.
Then I heard something. I looked up, but I saw nothing. I tried to strain my eyes to hope I could see something; I was the victim of the awful fear of something that I couldn't see.
I felt something grab my arm, and I screamed, pulling away. But no matter where I went, whatever it was had its grip on me. It held my arm tight, and then I could feel it restraining me from moving.
"Help!" I screamed through tears. "Please! Somebody help me!"
I felt like I could hardly breathe, and I could feel the darkness closing around me, tightening until it began to hurt. I cried until I could barely breathe, my efforts to break free were to no avail.
"Please..." I sobbed pitifully. "Please... no..."
Then the darkness began to pull me down into its endless depths, and I used all my energy to try to struggle free once more, screaming the entire time, and tears streaming down my cheeks.
"No! No! Help! Please, somebody, help me!" I cried, my voice straining from all my shouting.
Suddenly, light came through, and pierced the darkness. I woke up to hear myself screaming, and several people trying to restrain me as I tried to tear myself away from their hold.
"K'Ela! K'Ela!" my dad cried, trying to call me back to my senses, as he held my shoulders. "You're alright... You're okay..." he told me.
I shook fiercely, unable to stop the convulsions, but he hugged me tightly, unwilling to let me believe I was alone- like I was in the darkness.
My eyes wouldn't really focus or look away from the ceiling, but I could see the doctor in the corner of my eye with a hypospray, most likely empty after using it to wake me up.
It was all starting to become a nightmare. Whether I was asleep, reliving someone else's memories, or awake, living my own life, it was all a terrible dream.
"Is she gonna be alright?" I heard my dad ask, obviously concerned that I hadn't responded all that much, that all I really had done was stop screaming, and stop trying to get away from them. And now all I was doing was lying on the hospital bed, unmoving until someone else picked me up.
The doctor clicked on a small light and shined it into my eyes. I don't really know what happened, but it couldn't have been good because he looked a little unsure, maybe even sad.
"We'll have to see," he told my dad, still looking at me.
I must have looked so blank on the outside, so unfazed by the possibility that I might not ever come back completely, but on the inside, I know I was crying.
Phew. I thought that chapter would never get completed. But it was worth it... I think. So tell me what you thought, everyone. ^ - ^
Chapter 9
Falling
As they talked, I couldn't help feeling awful, as though someone had tightened their grip on my heart until it was ready to burst. My mind just completely went blank, and I could only stare off into nowhere as life went on around me. What else didn't I know? Who else just drifted briefly in and out of my life, making it hell for my father and me and then leaving? And had my dad lied to me my entire life?
I looked over at the two of them, talking together. They were so calm. It didn't seem right when I was crying.
"So where's K'Ela now?" she asked my dad.
"I decided it'd be better if she stayed with a neighbor while I was here. I really didn't wanna leave 'er, but... I figured there'd be a lot of yellin' today," he said solemnly. "I'm gonna try not t' traumatize 'er this early in 'er life."
"It's gonna happen anyway, ya don't need t' try not to," I said from my spot on the floor. I had pretty much sunk down there when I heard the truth behind the story with him and Ah'Len, and I had no intention of getting up.
I couldn't believe I ever cared what happened to her. She deceived my father, and she hurt him.
And that awful word: rape. It stayed present in my thoughts and left a bitter taste in my mouth. It stayed with me, plagued me, burned inside me. I felt a whole lot like throwing up. I just wanted it all to go away.
"So..." my grandmother sighed, interrupting my thoughts. "Do you have a place to stay?"
"Yeah. Don't worry about us."
"I have to. It's my job," she joked, but she was very serious.
They looked at each other then with a shared understanding; they were both parents worried about their children, each with good reason.
I heard the door open, and anxiety froze me. My grandfather walked into the kitchen, looking from my grandmother to my father. He was obviously distressed.
"Trip," he greeted, holding back his urge to speak right away about what was bothering him.
"Hi dad."
He continued to look at my father, but addressed my grandmother. "I need t' talk t' Trip alone a minute."
I could tell she knew it wasn't a very good idea, but she really had to let the two of them discuss- or really, argue about- this whole situation. She went to the living room, but listened to their conversation, ready to get between them if necessary.
I don't know how long I listened for. For whatever amount of time, it was too long. My grandfather would hardly let him explain. He didn't want to hear it. My father had thrown his life away, had given up everything he worked so hard for, had disappointed him more than he would really know... and he continued to make my dad feel less and less like explaining.
My father tried to intervene, as well as my grandmother, but it was hopeless. He wanted to finish, to have his say on things. He wanted to "clear things up," but there never was an opportunity for my dad to speak. Nevertheless, there were many rumors already floating around town, and they needed to be addressed.
He told my dad that he wasn't the same son that left with all those dreams, the person that he tried to support no matter what. He told my dad some of the rumors he had heard, some of which were very far off from the real reason why he had returned, and most of which criticized his character.
I was shaking by then, sobbing uncontrollably. Why was he doing this? If he only let my father explain...
And finally, he did. He just blurted the whole thing out, his voice overpowering his father's, and stunning him with the truth.
The tears still slipped down my cheeks, but the pain inside was beginning to subside with a feeling of numbness. I felt like I was fading, nothing more than an illusion.
My grandfather was taken aback for a moment from what he had just heard, then responded. "Trip... why?"
He just stared back in bewilderment. "'Why?'!"
"What possessed you t' do this?"
Both my dad and I were amazed. Wasn't he ever going to realize he was wrong? And that now that he knew the truth behind my father's return home, shouldn't he at least support him, as he said he always had before?
"You know what ya did was almost impossible, an' not meant t' ever happen t' *begin* with," he tried to convince his son. "Now yer tryin' t' *raise* this baby that'cha know nothin' about? An' ya think that *that* was a *good* decision? Ya shoulda left 'er with people of 'er own species who know how'ta take care of 'er, Trip."
He took a moment to try to collect himself before the rage came out. "Dammit, Dad, why can't you just *accept* what I did?! I don't care if ya agree or not, but at least acknowledge the fact that I had *reasons*!"
I began to come back from the numb feeling, the feeling of just slipping away, and back to the pain. I stood up, wiping the tears from my eyes. I wanted to get away. I don't know what it was, I just couldn't sit there anymore, listening to all of it. But when I tried to leave the room, I stopped moving. The more I tried, the more paralyzed I felt.
"Fine," said my grandfather, but I couldn't tell whether his tone was sympathetic, or cold. "Then accept *my* reasons."
It was impossible to leave, as hard as I tried. I had to stay with my father, to see what he saw and hear what he heard. It was no use, so I just gave up and went back to the middle of the room. I was going to see what I was going to see, and I was just going to have to take it.
When I turned around, I could see my father was seething with anger, but doing his best to keep as calm as he could. His emotions were easy to feel, but his thoughts were very mixed. On one hand, he could see his own father was angry because my father had given up his life for me, and on the other hand, he was angry that his father refused to see the other side of things. There was just so much confusion...
"You don't have any reasons," my dad said quietly, but unkindly.
"What?" his father spat back.
"Charlie!" my grandmother gasped in disbelief, and I couldn't believe it myself.
"It's true, ma!" he told her. "He has no reasons! Not compared t' mine!"
"You don't hafta argue with me, Trip!" he insisted. "I can see *your* reasons!" He made a noise of frustration. "Dammit, I'm on your side!"
My dad was beginning to turn red with anger. "You're on my side?" he challenged. "Then tell me- do you want K'Ela as a granddaughter?"
My grandfather opened his mouth to answer, but said nothing.
"That's what I thought," my dad said disappointedly, and stormed out, my grandmother in tears calling after him.
I could feel the memory falling away from me, the voices fading into nothing, the emotions slipping from my body, the light disappearing. It was like the entire world was melting, and I was left in the darkness, all alone.
It was so dark, and I wasn't waking up. I just couldn't. I was trapped.
Then I heard something. I looked up, but I saw nothing. I tried to strain my eyes to hope I could see something; I was the victim of the awful fear of something that I couldn't see.
I felt something grab my arm, and I screamed, pulling away. But no matter where I went, whatever it was had its grip on me. It held my arm tight, and then I could feel it restraining me from moving.
"Help!" I screamed through tears. "Please! Somebody help me!"
I felt like I could hardly breathe, and I could feel the darkness closing around me, tightening until it began to hurt. I cried until I could barely breathe, my efforts to break free were to no avail.
"Please..." I sobbed pitifully. "Please... no..."
Then the darkness began to pull me down into its endless depths, and I used all my energy to try to struggle free once more, screaming the entire time, and tears streaming down my cheeks.
"No! No! Help! Please, somebody, help me!" I cried, my voice straining from all my shouting.
Suddenly, light came through, and pierced the darkness. I woke up to hear myself screaming, and several people trying to restrain me as I tried to tear myself away from their hold.
"K'Ela! K'Ela!" my dad cried, trying to call me back to my senses, as he held my shoulders. "You're alright... You're okay..." he told me.
I shook fiercely, unable to stop the convulsions, but he hugged me tightly, unwilling to let me believe I was alone- like I was in the darkness.
My eyes wouldn't really focus or look away from the ceiling, but I could see the doctor in the corner of my eye with a hypospray, most likely empty after using it to wake me up.
It was all starting to become a nightmare. Whether I was asleep, reliving someone else's memories, or awake, living my own life, it was all a terrible dream.
"Is she gonna be alright?" I heard my dad ask, obviously concerned that I hadn't responded all that much, that all I really had done was stop screaming, and stop trying to get away from them. And now all I was doing was lying on the hospital bed, unmoving until someone else picked me up.
The doctor clicked on a small light and shined it into my eyes. I don't really know what happened, but it couldn't have been good because he looked a little unsure, maybe even sad.
"We'll have to see," he told my dad, still looking at me.
I must have looked so blank on the outside, so unfazed by the possibility that I might not ever come back completely, but on the inside, I know I was crying.
Phew. I thought that chapter would never get completed. But it was worth it... I think. So tell me what you thought, everyone. ^ - ^