I posted, I posted!!! It only took... I don't even know how long. - _ -
;;;;;;;; Long enough for me to have to re-read the past 41 pages.... ( @.@
- Wow... the computer screen's doing this weird wavy thing.... Oh, wait,
no- that would be my eyes not focusing anymore....)
So... now you can all pretend you never read that and go read the chapter.
^ - ^
Chapter 12
What We Leave Behind
I had been in the hospital for so long, I had completely lost all sense of time. What I *did* know: I had been unconscious during my dad's birthday.
What a terrible birthday. I felt awful for that, but there was nothing I could do about it except say I was sorry. Besides, with all that was going on, I really didn't have much else to say.
I didn't want to bring up the past again, but all he ever seemed to do was look at me as if he were expecting another one of my inquiries. He never got one. I was getting extremely sick of the past- it all was painful, and I didn't want to discover any of that pain behind the very little happiness that I knew existed during that time. It was the only thing that allowed me to believe this whole life was for the best, and I wasn't ready to let go of that hope. Even though it felt wrong to live in denial of the truth and naiveté, I was tired of being hurt.
I felt like my mind was never in the present; I was either looking to the past to try to correct errors or make life better, or looking to the future to try to avoid the inevitable. Either way, I felt doomed, but I couldn't accept that I really was.
I sighed, trying to stop those thoughts of self-pity from going through my mind. I had to take this whole situation better than I had thus far. If I planned on making changes, I would have to start actually making them.
"What are you thinking about?" Hoshi asked me, pulling me out of my daze.
"Everything. So much has been happening at once, 'm not really sure what t' focus on." I wasn't about to tell her any specifics.
She nodded. "I know what you mean."
"Everything's just been so confusing lately," I told her, looking across the room to avoid all eye contact.
"That's the second time I heard that from the two of them," Hoshi said sadly.
I didn't understand why she said that. "What d'you mean, Hoshi?" I asked her, turning back to see her looking a little stunned.
"I didn't say anything."
"I...." I stumbled over what I wanted to say, but Hoshi interrupted me, knowing what had happened.
"Do you want me to tell the doctor?"
I thought a moment, but I felt no different... except for that I was beginning to hear several voices. I shook my head so that no one would be told, and no more attention would be called to me. Thankfully, Hoshi seemed to know my reasons, and just pretended to be absorbed in her book while I simply stared off into space, trying to listen to all that went through my head.
My mind buzzed, and what seemed like hundreds of thoughts flowed into my own. It wasn't painful like before, but there were still too many to focus on anything specific. It seemed as though everyone in the entire hospital was connected to my mind, until finally, some thoughts separated from the others.
//Who *are* these people? Why am I here...?//
//I just want to see my son before I go.... Just one last time....//
//They're gonna *kill* me when they find out I crashed the car....//
//God... I've never been one to pray... but *please*... just help her get outta this hospital....//
//I don't know what t' do anymore. I wish I could help... but.... I just want this whole thing t' be over....//
I recognized the last thought to be my dad's. I wasn't quite sure how, but it didn't matter. Like passing by a familiar face on the street, his thought just swept over me briefly before disappearing with the others.
It was almost chaotic at first, all these thoughts that bombarded my mind, but there was something about all of them going through me.... It felt... strangely comforting. As though for the first time in my life I wasn't the strange one, I wasn't the one being avoided or stared at- I was the only one who was connected to everyone, was with everyone, and no one was afraid of me.
Everything seemed peaceful, and I began to realize that it wasn't just the fact that I finally felt I was.... I wasn't sure what I was feeling, or what exactly made me feel the way I was feeling, for that matter. Some of the thoughts were pretty disturbing to hear (though some *were* happy), but nonetheless, I had found something that I knew could not be taken away from me or changed. Maybe it was that feeling of security that made it better, but there was something more behind it- something I didn't understand, but I knew I would.
Unfortunately, Dr. Phlox came over and began to speak, and what he was saying made no sense to me, at least. not with all of the other voices in my thoughts. I attempted to focus, tried to understand, but it was too difficult. Eventually, little by little, the voices faded out, and Phlox was left standing and waiting for me to say something.
He nodded with understanding when I told him nothing, and allowed me to be left in peace, though he still took out his scanner to make sure I was fine. And I *was* fine. It was a little odd that after all the pain it caused me, part of me wanted that feeling again. Again, I wasn't quite sure why I liked it, but I did.
Thankfully, now that I was allowed to walk around the hospital, I could get away from my hospital bed, though I couldn't do so for very long, as I still had trouble standing for a long time without shaking and needing to sit down. Rather than walking with Hoshi as I had planned, I ended up walking with Dad: the one person I really wanted to be away from at the moment.
We walked down the hall, slowly, so I wouldn't start shaking. I still didn't have a lot of strength, so Dad had to hold my arm as we walked.
"Hm," I laughed with a smile.
"What?" he asked, returning my smile, happy that after all that had been going on, I could still laugh at something.
"*You're* the old man, *I* should be helpin' *you*."
"Heeeeyyy..." he responded in mock-offense. "Who're you callin' 'old man'?"
I just smiled back.
"I'm glad you're gettin' better," he said, serious now. "Ya had me really worried."
"Same here," I said, referring to all the trouble he had been having with depression.
He didn't really want to focus on that. I knew it, and I could see it. "K'Ela... listen.."
"Not unless you're gonna tell me what was wrong."
We stopped walking.
He shook his head, knowing what I meant. "It's nothin'."
"So whatever it is- is still botherin' you."
"Why d'you say that?"
"You said, 'it's nothin',' implyin' that the problem hasn't been solved."
He paused, then said, "Ya *had* t' take psychology...."
I smiled, but then realized I had been ignoring the fact that I couldn't really hold myself up for much longer, and so I sat down. Dad followed suit, trying his hardest to avoid answering me, but he soon discovered that I was waiting patiently for him, and could not get out of it *that* easily.
"Uh... jeez, how do I say this...?" he asked, looking up at the ceiling. He took a deep breath, then let it out in a sigh. "It's just a lot'a stuff...." He saw that I wasn't satisfied, and had to continue. "Just everythin' over the years... it all started t' come up gradually since you left.... At first it didn't really bother me, y'know, it was just little things, like bein' alone. Like realizin' that...." He looked down at the floor. "...That I hadn't really kept many friends. Realizin' I was..." - and he laughed slightly, humorlessly, as he said it- "an old man... but that was all I was anymore. An' then I went up t' clean the attic. I found everythin' I had just... thrown up there t' get away from. There it all was, y'know?" He looked up at me, and I could see tears in his eyes that he was fighting back. "Everythin' I left behind. But, then I saw what I left it behind *for*. I saw all yer toys, an' I just realized... you weren't there anymore. I had no reason t' give up anythin' anymore, but here I am anyway, not knowin' what t' do with myself."
I opened my mouth to say something, but what could I possibly have said? It was true, he had given up his life for me, and now here he was, with nothing left to do. I had taken it all away, and just as I had finally begun to give something back, I left. And what did I leave him? More painful memories, more dusty boxes in the attic.
"I'm so sorry, Dad," I told him, beginning to cry, throwing my arms around him.
That seemed to have been his release, at least for the time, to feel needed, to feel loved, to have purpose. Finally, he allowed his tears to fall, to show his pain, to share it all with me, knowing that I could take it now that I had grown up.
When we finally stopped crying, and it seemed as though we had resolved things, we stood up and began to walk back to the room.
Just making conversation in an attempt to turn our thoughts away from our previous discussion, he asked, "Does Phlox know how to stop those visions yet?"
That's when I realized I had to tell him. *He* had told *me* everything he kept from me all those years, and so now it was *my* turn. It was just... he was so happy. I didn't want to take that away from him again, tell him how I would have to do the same thing to another person that Ah'Len had done to him. But I told him. I had to tell him.
He didn't really say much at first, or show how he felt. I assumed the worst, until he asked, "Well.... How d' *you* feel about it?"
I was surprised, to say the least. "I.... Uh.... What?" was about all I could manage to stutter out.
"Just what I asked."
"Umm.... It's just... I have no choice, what does it matter?"
"It really makes a difference t' *me*."
I thought a minute, not quite sure how I felt about this for the first time. At first, I wanted nothing to do with it all. It was painful, and because of it, I almost died. It was what had ruined my dad's life, having to do this, not knowing what was truly going on... and I didn't want to be a part of it. But... part of me wanted to try again, to be able to know someone without any secrets.... And it really *was* enjoyable....
I was really confused. So that's what I told him. That was the only thing I was sure of: confusion.
"Alright..." he said, unsure of where to go next from there. It really wasn't the response he was looking for. "But what else? D'you *want* t' do this... or not?"
I didn't know what to say. "I.... I want to, but I *don't* want to." I was silent a minute, but then I continued. "Dad, it's just.... I don't want t' hurt anyone, an' I don't want t' be hurt doin' this... but... I'm startin' t' want to." Something about admitting that made me feel guilty.
He was quiet a moment, and I was worried, but then he said, "I don't want what happened with me an' Ah'Len t' make you not want t' do this. It was completely different. She didn't *have* t' do what she did, but she did it. *You* actually need t' be helped. An' besides... I'm sure *you'll* tell whoever yer gonna..." - he blushed puse red- "... uh... do this with... beforehand."
He scratched the back of his head, embarrassed. "I never was good at discussing these kinds of things...."
We shared a quiet laugh.
It was then that I felt like I really needed to say something, so I did. "I'm glad we can really talk now," I told him in all seriousness. "I know it was kind of hard at first, but...."
"Yeah," he said, nodding. "I guess... y'know, after a while, ya just kinda get used t' keepin' it all t' yerself. I promise... I won't do that anymore."
I smiled at him. At least *one* problem was solved.
When we came back into the room, I realized that another problem was presenting itself. There, waiting in a chair, looking concerned and anxious, was a young man with sandy blonde hair and hazel eyes.
As soon as he saw me, he practically jumped out of the chair and ran over my Dad to get to me. He wrapped his arms around me and held me tight, telling me quietly and shakily, "You really scared me, you know that?"
I managed to laugh a little, but it was really a nervous laugh that escaped me. I had a feeling Elisabeth had called him, but I really wished she hadn't. Now he would have to be included in this whole ordeal; he *was* my boyfriend after all.
Dr. Phlox cleared his throat at his end of the room to get his attention. When he finally looked over, Phlox told him, "I don't believe she has the strength to continue to stand like that for much longer. I suggest you let her sit down."
"Oh.... Sorry...."
He walked me to my bed, but he didn't let me go. He sat in a chair across from me, and held my hands in his.
I let him linger in the moment for a while, though inside, I was extremely uncomfortable and panicked. "You really didn't need t' come, David...."
***************
^ - ^ You gotta love a sweet boyfriend! (Especially when it's her long-
time friend.) Much more sweetness coming up? I think so! But more
problems as well? Yeah, that too....
Alright, you have to tell me what you thought now! You got this far, you
have to!
^,^ ( ---- Umm... I don't know WHAT that is.... Ignore it....)
no- that would be my eyes not focusing anymore....)
So... now you can all pretend you never read that and go read the chapter.
^ - ^
Chapter 12
What We Leave Behind
I had been in the hospital for so long, I had completely lost all sense of time. What I *did* know: I had been unconscious during my dad's birthday.
What a terrible birthday. I felt awful for that, but there was nothing I could do about it except say I was sorry. Besides, with all that was going on, I really didn't have much else to say.
I didn't want to bring up the past again, but all he ever seemed to do was look at me as if he were expecting another one of my inquiries. He never got one. I was getting extremely sick of the past- it all was painful, and I didn't want to discover any of that pain behind the very little happiness that I knew existed during that time. It was the only thing that allowed me to believe this whole life was for the best, and I wasn't ready to let go of that hope. Even though it felt wrong to live in denial of the truth and naiveté, I was tired of being hurt.
I felt like my mind was never in the present; I was either looking to the past to try to correct errors or make life better, or looking to the future to try to avoid the inevitable. Either way, I felt doomed, but I couldn't accept that I really was.
I sighed, trying to stop those thoughts of self-pity from going through my mind. I had to take this whole situation better than I had thus far. If I planned on making changes, I would have to start actually making them.
"What are you thinking about?" Hoshi asked me, pulling me out of my daze.
"Everything. So much has been happening at once, 'm not really sure what t' focus on." I wasn't about to tell her any specifics.
She nodded. "I know what you mean."
"Everything's just been so confusing lately," I told her, looking across the room to avoid all eye contact.
"That's the second time I heard that from the two of them," Hoshi said sadly.
I didn't understand why she said that. "What d'you mean, Hoshi?" I asked her, turning back to see her looking a little stunned.
"I didn't say anything."
"I...." I stumbled over what I wanted to say, but Hoshi interrupted me, knowing what had happened.
"Do you want me to tell the doctor?"
I thought a moment, but I felt no different... except for that I was beginning to hear several voices. I shook my head so that no one would be told, and no more attention would be called to me. Thankfully, Hoshi seemed to know my reasons, and just pretended to be absorbed in her book while I simply stared off into space, trying to listen to all that went through my head.
My mind buzzed, and what seemed like hundreds of thoughts flowed into my own. It wasn't painful like before, but there were still too many to focus on anything specific. It seemed as though everyone in the entire hospital was connected to my mind, until finally, some thoughts separated from the others.
//Who *are* these people? Why am I here...?//
//I just want to see my son before I go.... Just one last time....//
//They're gonna *kill* me when they find out I crashed the car....//
//God... I've never been one to pray... but *please*... just help her get outta this hospital....//
//I don't know what t' do anymore. I wish I could help... but.... I just want this whole thing t' be over....//
I recognized the last thought to be my dad's. I wasn't quite sure how, but it didn't matter. Like passing by a familiar face on the street, his thought just swept over me briefly before disappearing with the others.
It was almost chaotic at first, all these thoughts that bombarded my mind, but there was something about all of them going through me.... It felt... strangely comforting. As though for the first time in my life I wasn't the strange one, I wasn't the one being avoided or stared at- I was the only one who was connected to everyone, was with everyone, and no one was afraid of me.
Everything seemed peaceful, and I began to realize that it wasn't just the fact that I finally felt I was.... I wasn't sure what I was feeling, or what exactly made me feel the way I was feeling, for that matter. Some of the thoughts were pretty disturbing to hear (though some *were* happy), but nonetheless, I had found something that I knew could not be taken away from me or changed. Maybe it was that feeling of security that made it better, but there was something more behind it- something I didn't understand, but I knew I would.
Unfortunately, Dr. Phlox came over and began to speak, and what he was saying made no sense to me, at least. not with all of the other voices in my thoughts. I attempted to focus, tried to understand, but it was too difficult. Eventually, little by little, the voices faded out, and Phlox was left standing and waiting for me to say something.
He nodded with understanding when I told him nothing, and allowed me to be left in peace, though he still took out his scanner to make sure I was fine. And I *was* fine. It was a little odd that after all the pain it caused me, part of me wanted that feeling again. Again, I wasn't quite sure why I liked it, but I did.
Thankfully, now that I was allowed to walk around the hospital, I could get away from my hospital bed, though I couldn't do so for very long, as I still had trouble standing for a long time without shaking and needing to sit down. Rather than walking with Hoshi as I had planned, I ended up walking with Dad: the one person I really wanted to be away from at the moment.
We walked down the hall, slowly, so I wouldn't start shaking. I still didn't have a lot of strength, so Dad had to hold my arm as we walked.
"Hm," I laughed with a smile.
"What?" he asked, returning my smile, happy that after all that had been going on, I could still laugh at something.
"*You're* the old man, *I* should be helpin' *you*."
"Heeeeyyy..." he responded in mock-offense. "Who're you callin' 'old man'?"
I just smiled back.
"I'm glad you're gettin' better," he said, serious now. "Ya had me really worried."
"Same here," I said, referring to all the trouble he had been having with depression.
He didn't really want to focus on that. I knew it, and I could see it. "K'Ela... listen.."
"Not unless you're gonna tell me what was wrong."
We stopped walking.
He shook his head, knowing what I meant. "It's nothin'."
"So whatever it is- is still botherin' you."
"Why d'you say that?"
"You said, 'it's nothin',' implyin' that the problem hasn't been solved."
He paused, then said, "Ya *had* t' take psychology...."
I smiled, but then realized I had been ignoring the fact that I couldn't really hold myself up for much longer, and so I sat down. Dad followed suit, trying his hardest to avoid answering me, but he soon discovered that I was waiting patiently for him, and could not get out of it *that* easily.
"Uh... jeez, how do I say this...?" he asked, looking up at the ceiling. He took a deep breath, then let it out in a sigh. "It's just a lot'a stuff...." He saw that I wasn't satisfied, and had to continue. "Just everythin' over the years... it all started t' come up gradually since you left.... At first it didn't really bother me, y'know, it was just little things, like bein' alone. Like realizin' that...." He looked down at the floor. "...That I hadn't really kept many friends. Realizin' I was..." - and he laughed slightly, humorlessly, as he said it- "an old man... but that was all I was anymore. An' then I went up t' clean the attic. I found everythin' I had just... thrown up there t' get away from. There it all was, y'know?" He looked up at me, and I could see tears in his eyes that he was fighting back. "Everythin' I left behind. But, then I saw what I left it behind *for*. I saw all yer toys, an' I just realized... you weren't there anymore. I had no reason t' give up anythin' anymore, but here I am anyway, not knowin' what t' do with myself."
I opened my mouth to say something, but what could I possibly have said? It was true, he had given up his life for me, and now here he was, with nothing left to do. I had taken it all away, and just as I had finally begun to give something back, I left. And what did I leave him? More painful memories, more dusty boxes in the attic.
"I'm so sorry, Dad," I told him, beginning to cry, throwing my arms around him.
That seemed to have been his release, at least for the time, to feel needed, to feel loved, to have purpose. Finally, he allowed his tears to fall, to show his pain, to share it all with me, knowing that I could take it now that I had grown up.
When we finally stopped crying, and it seemed as though we had resolved things, we stood up and began to walk back to the room.
Just making conversation in an attempt to turn our thoughts away from our previous discussion, he asked, "Does Phlox know how to stop those visions yet?"
That's when I realized I had to tell him. *He* had told *me* everything he kept from me all those years, and so now it was *my* turn. It was just... he was so happy. I didn't want to take that away from him again, tell him how I would have to do the same thing to another person that Ah'Len had done to him. But I told him. I had to tell him.
He didn't really say much at first, or show how he felt. I assumed the worst, until he asked, "Well.... How d' *you* feel about it?"
I was surprised, to say the least. "I.... Uh.... What?" was about all I could manage to stutter out.
"Just what I asked."
"Umm.... It's just... I have no choice, what does it matter?"
"It really makes a difference t' *me*."
I thought a minute, not quite sure how I felt about this for the first time. At first, I wanted nothing to do with it all. It was painful, and because of it, I almost died. It was what had ruined my dad's life, having to do this, not knowing what was truly going on... and I didn't want to be a part of it. But... part of me wanted to try again, to be able to know someone without any secrets.... And it really *was* enjoyable....
I was really confused. So that's what I told him. That was the only thing I was sure of: confusion.
"Alright..." he said, unsure of where to go next from there. It really wasn't the response he was looking for. "But what else? D'you *want* t' do this... or not?"
I didn't know what to say. "I.... I want to, but I *don't* want to." I was silent a minute, but then I continued. "Dad, it's just.... I don't want t' hurt anyone, an' I don't want t' be hurt doin' this... but... I'm startin' t' want to." Something about admitting that made me feel guilty.
He was quiet a moment, and I was worried, but then he said, "I don't want what happened with me an' Ah'Len t' make you not want t' do this. It was completely different. She didn't *have* t' do what she did, but she did it. *You* actually need t' be helped. An' besides... I'm sure *you'll* tell whoever yer gonna..." - he blushed puse red- "... uh... do this with... beforehand."
He scratched the back of his head, embarrassed. "I never was good at discussing these kinds of things...."
We shared a quiet laugh.
It was then that I felt like I really needed to say something, so I did. "I'm glad we can really talk now," I told him in all seriousness. "I know it was kind of hard at first, but...."
"Yeah," he said, nodding. "I guess... y'know, after a while, ya just kinda get used t' keepin' it all t' yerself. I promise... I won't do that anymore."
I smiled at him. At least *one* problem was solved.
When we came back into the room, I realized that another problem was presenting itself. There, waiting in a chair, looking concerned and anxious, was a young man with sandy blonde hair and hazel eyes.
As soon as he saw me, he practically jumped out of the chair and ran over my Dad to get to me. He wrapped his arms around me and held me tight, telling me quietly and shakily, "You really scared me, you know that?"
I managed to laugh a little, but it was really a nervous laugh that escaped me. I had a feeling Elisabeth had called him, but I really wished she hadn't. Now he would have to be included in this whole ordeal; he *was* my boyfriend after all.
Dr. Phlox cleared his throat at his end of the room to get his attention. When he finally looked over, Phlox told him, "I don't believe she has the strength to continue to stand like that for much longer. I suggest you let her sit down."
"Oh.... Sorry...."
He walked me to my bed, but he didn't let me go. He sat in a chair across from me, and held my hands in his.
I let him linger in the moment for a while, though inside, I was extremely uncomfortable and panicked. "You really didn't need t' come, David...."
***************
^ - ^ You gotta love a sweet boyfriend! (Especially when it's her long-
time friend.) Much more sweetness coming up? I think so! But more
problems as well? Yeah, that too....
Alright, you have to tell me what you thought now! You got this far, you
have to!
^,^ ( ---- Umm... I don't know WHAT that is.... Ignore it....)