Wow! I haven't updated in a LOOOOOOOOOOOONG time!!! Oops! Well, not my
fault! I have projects and a term paper and an essay and, holy crap, more
projects. But I'm avoiding it all for you guys! ^ _ - v
So, I really hope everyone remembers where I left off, 'cause a recap would be a bit too long, don'tcha think? I mean, condensing 71 pages is a little tough. And I think this may just be my longest chapter ever. So nope, not
gonna recap.
Okay, for anyone that doesn't know (and that actually wants to know),
"hajimaru" is Japanese. If you want to know what it means, look it up! J/K, it means "to begin," but "hajimaru" sounds a lot nicer, doesn't it?
Kind of a paradox, if you think about it, but it really fits with the
chapter.
So, enjoy the chapter, after the long wait, AND the long intro.
Chapter 17
Hajimaru
I was surprised to find that I felt... happy. For the first time in a long time. I immediately hugged David, who was taking the news pretty well, considering the situation was a little stressful to say the least. He had very little choice from the beginning, knowing that if he abandoned me then.... Well.... That was done and over with. But I suppose not having the time to think over any of his own consequences meant that he had no time to let the insecurities bother him as they did me. I truly did not understand at first as to why hearing the news didn't immediately bring up weeks of equivocal dread that had remained on the surface of his mind but had never actually been addressed. But it took me little time to realize he didn't allow that to happen in fear that he might uproot my deepest anxieties that I had suppressed. I was afraid of that reaction, but he never allowed for it.
I think the biggest shock to us was that we both weren't surprised at all. We both assumed from the beginning that we were going to have a baby, and so when Phlox announced it, it was more of a reassurance to us than anything else. And so at that point, David was pretty used to the idea. Whether he was *comfortable* with it or not was a whole other matter entirely. But at the time, I doubt either of us knew how we felt. It seemed a mixture of relief and slight anxiety, and I wondered silently if the ease would, in time, overpower the apprehension and overcome it altogether.
There was a calmness in the room that swept over us all soon after the initial surprise, and it pulled me away from the foreboding feeling I had felt. It was evident when they all made sure to give their congratulations, a happiness to now congratulate us on our engagement and our baby as well. There was no discomfort in their doing so, as I had thought to expect, but soon I realized that everyone left in the room, beside myself and David, had already gone through this once before.
My dad was the last to come up to us, but the most delighted. I could see in his eyes a gentle shimmer that radiated and sparkled and lit up the room. It was obvious that he especially wanted to make his congratulations known, happy and slightly teary, but he managed to add in his two cents, as he usually managed to. For David's forewarning, he told him, "The first few weeks are gonna *suck*," which at least made David laugh. That dissipated any residual anxiety I had over David's reaction, and probably calmed *him* as well.
When the crowd- which is really what it felt like- finally began to clear away from us, I asked him, "You're really okay?" holding his hand.
"Yeah," he said, smiling, and squeezing my hand back. "Surprisingly... yeah."
I put my arms around him, clasping my fingers together at his waist, and rested my head on his chest, thinking to myself that in a matter of weeks, I wouldn't be able to do that as easily anymore. Hug him like that, I mean.
Phlox grinned at us, then said, "You two won't have to stay here much longer. I know you're both *anxious* to leave."
He fixed his eyes on David, then started in on what he would say next. I knew there would be a "but..." to what he had said. "K'Ela needs very little medical attention as of late, however, now it seems you *do*. I would like to perform an operation on you... one that will save you a few broken ribs, unlike Mr. Tucker."
I cringed at that. I knew I caused him pain, as it was a very unnatural and unusual thing for him to go through, something his body was not exactly designed for. But I had no idea that I had hurt him *that* much. No wonder he was always hurt whenever I used to crawl into his lap as a small child. *Everything* must have hurt- his entire body must have ached for years. But I kept my mouth shut. The last thing I needed to do was scare David.
"I'm afraid I cannot have you undergo this operation until somewhat later; I must wait until after the child integrates with several of your organs before the surgery," Phlox explained- somewhat nonchalantly for such a harshly surreal prospect.
David's jaw dropped, and his entire body froze up. I'm sure he would have voiced his worry if he had been able to actually find his voice at the time.
"Don't worry, it is a necessary stage in the pregnancy for the child to survive," he explained quickly, seeing David's concern.
I watched his shoulders slump as he let out a breath of relief. "Good...."
Phlox nodded once. "At the end of one week, I believe, would be best?" he asked, turning to Rei'Ahn.
"Yes. I believe so."
"Good, then. And I will ask that you come in at the very *least* once a week."
I sat up a bit. "Will *you* be the doctor seein' him?" I asked, wondering if that was what he meant.
"I don't see why not," he told us. He then gave us both a smile and turned away to speak more with Rei'Ahn.
I rested my head back on David's shoulder, feeling the security and safety I had always felt there. In my mind I could see us both on the floor of the gymnasium, moving slowly side to side at the dance so long ago, the night I knew I was in love. I could still hear the music echoing in the darkness of the room, still feel the pillow softness of the suit he had never before worn, still smell the sweetness of the roses on the corsages that made the foul stench of the rubber gym floor bearable.
It was much like that now sitting with him, because for the first time in a long while, I felt peace. Nothing mattered but that one moment, as it had so many years ago when we were both so young.
*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*
We stepped outside the hospital, and though I hoped for a day of sunshine and clear blue skies, I was much happier with what nature had for me. The air smelled of summer rain, damp and hot, accompanied by the light aroma of cut grass- the trail left behind from a passing rainfall. The clouds were thick and faded gray, obstructing the light of the sun, but parting just enough to create spotlights that shone down from the sky.
Everything seemed new to me, like I hadn't seen the world in years. It was almost as if I had completely forgotten sunlight, had never seen color in such vibrant hues, had never noticed the life that existed around me.... I acted much like a small child, mesmerized by it all.
When we entered my father's house, I was relieved that it smelled faintly of pine, a good deal like dust, and had the slightest twinge of linen. Finally, a smell that was not sickeningly sterile.
I looked around the house, my eyes scanning everything I passed. The carpeted floor felt soft beneath my feet, so different from the hard linoleum tiles of the hospital. As I passed by the place where I had once seen my father and Jon in their quarrel so many years ago, my eyes drifted to the old captain, his face lined with the sadness of the years gone by without his best friend. His eyes were misty, but the strength that commanding the NX-01 gave him prevented the memories from breaking down his so far stoic demeanor.
I came to the end of the hall and stood a moment, unmoving. Light poured in through skylights, an exuberant red-orange every so often blocked by pillow-soft clouds, but always present, no matter how dim. It added a strength to the room, a vividness in everything, that I found beautiful.
I watched Hoshi, Travis, and Malcolm take a corner into the den, and though I could have followed them, I found myself drawn to the west-facing windows. They were right near the skylights, and so I stood under them, feeling the warmth of the sun's rays. "Almost forgot what life outside the hospital ward was like..." I murmured quietly to myself.
David put an arm around me from behind and gave me a smile. His face glowed warmly in the orange sunset. I laid my head upon his shoulder as we both looked out the windows and watched as the outside world began its regression into night. There was a long silence as we stood, observing, barely existing- it felt like we were nothing more than onlookers, watching as the world around us slipped lazily into sleep.
"What'd you do with the coffee table?" a voice asked quietly from behind me, attracting only my attention, not David's. It was Jon.
"It's in *there* now," my dad responded.
"I got so used to trying not to walk into it that I hardly noticed it wasn't even here anymore."
"That's why I moved it. Kept fallin' over the damn thing."
There was a pause.
"I can hardly recognize the place anymore," Jon told him. His tone was quiet, but his words had a depth that such a simple statement was almost incapable of.
"A lot's changed in twenty years."
There was silence, but it was not uncomfortable. There was an understanding, a sentiment that went unsaid, but hovered in the air, floated on that silence.
"I, uh..." Dad began, trying to give voice to that silence, but not quite sure how.
"I know, Trip. Don't worry. ...I know."
I wanted to turn around, to show that I knew what it all had become to them, to express my happiness that they had both picked up from where Enterprise had torn them apart, but it wasn't my place. My place was right there, with David, engulfed by the sunlight, and not in the shadows where I had once had the fortitude and the resolution to explore. It was just not my place anymore.
*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*
When I awoke the next morning, I found that it was considerably late. Not only had Hoshi gone (she had made a makeshift bed out of several blankets and a pillow beside the bed for the night)- presumably downstairs- but David also was already up, and by the looks of the computer game he had on the screen, he had been up for a while. Hearing the sheets rustling as I sat up in bed, David turned around and saw me there, rubbing the sleep from my eyes. He said "Good morning," from his chair at the desk by the window.
His wan smile and thin features weren't convincing enough to make me believe otherwise as to how I knew he was feeling, but I smiled back, and fumbled my way to the other side of the bed next to where he sat. I realized quickly as I tried to unwrap myself from a tangle of bedsheets that I hadn't exactly recovered my motor skills back to their optimum level. I managed anyway, trying almost too hard, I thought, to compensate for my lack of coordination.
"When'dja get up?" I asked, finally getting settled.
"I have no idea," he mumbled, shaking his head.
I tilted my head sympathetically, deciding not to ignore that his face was drained of much of its color. "Y'okay?"
He shrugged, his shoulders slumped limply. "Good enough, I guess."
"Nauseous again?"
"Hm," he laughed weakly. "That's an understatement."
I reached over to him and wrapped my arms around him, loosely, afraid that I might hold him too tight for his queasy stomach to handle, but he didn't seem to mind too much. I could feel our baby growing inside him, and its tiny heartbeat through his skin. He put his hand over mine and smiled. I was happy to see that, knowing he could have felt very uncomfortable right then. But, unfortunately, that smile gradually drooped into a frown.
"Oh, crap- let go," he told me, prying my arms off of him and quickly leaving the room.
I sighed, hoping to myself that it would only be a few weeks of this. I'm sure David was thinking the exact same thing. I got up and flopped lazily into the computer chair, swiveling around a little bit to quiet the discomfort of being by myself in such a big room. It seemed like every big room became much bigger when I was the only one in it. I hated it. But at least that feeling was starting to become easier to cope with, and I'm sure, with time, would eventually disappear altogether.
I looked around the desk, trying to kill time until David returned- after all, I didn't really want to leave him by himself when he had at least waited for me to wake up. I smiled seeing a doodle on a small yellow notepad beside me, a funny little sketch with absolutely no significance at all, but obviously something he had had fun with. I flipped to the next page to see if he had drawn another, but instead was a phone number, written a few times with numbers inverted and others exchanged, several Xs and squiggles to show that the number was wrong, until one was finally settled upon- one which only looked vaguely familiar to me. I tried to think, tried to comprehend the numbers, but their significance wouldn't surface in my mind.
I turned around then, hearing David coming back. I still held the pad in my hand, hoping that if he saw me, a discussion would follow. I wanted that discussion. I didn't want to avoid it. It needed to be said, whatever it was.
When he came into the room, he looked sadly at me, noticing the paper. "I know you're probably gonna tell me I have to, but I'm not gonna go through with it, so don't even bother to waste your time debating," he grumbled, sitting down heavily on the bed.
The number became familiar to me again once that was said. It was his parents' new phone number- one he had only become aware of through his brother Mike. I doubt he had asked for it once he knew of the change, considering they hadn't had the decency to tell him about it, but rather had been given it "in case of emergency- you know... just in case"- as Mike had told him as he handed David the piece of paper... one he kept for a day or so, then tore up. I could understand his reluctance to make contact with them after their cruel excommunication, and more so now that our son or daughter would be subjected to the same treatment that they showed to me.
"It's your decision," I told him quietly.
He sighed. "I don't want to deal with them. I don't want to...." He stopped.
He didn't want to be hurt anymore.
"I know," I said, sitting very still.
"I don't even want them to know," he said sadly. "But... is that necessarily a bad thing?"
I thought about it for a long while. I really didn't know. I didn't even know whether they even loved their own son- so why would they, after hating me, love our baby?
"I don't know what to do..." he told me, shrugging. "They.... I don't know how they'll react. And I don't think I want to know." He paused. "Maybe... maybe it'll be different from before. ...But maybe it won't be."
"Well... as I said, it's your decision." I didn't exactly want to get caught up in it all, or be responsible for a bad decision. Especially since both choices seemed so wrong... to him, at least. I still couldn't help but feel like not telling them would be the right choice, knowing how they had treated my father, but I did not voice how I felt.
Would they treat David as a disappointment now too? Or rather, as more of a disappointment than he already was to them? Could they continue to just simply pretend he doesn't exist, ignore any and all complications he might have and then turn their heads away when the day finally comes when he gives birth? Anger boiled inside me, and I found it harder and harder to control how I felt.
I looked up to see if David was battling as violent emotions as I was, only to see him staring at the bedspread, almost as if he were counting each loop of thread. Rather than anger and hate, it seemed he was struggling with very somber thoughts. "I just need some time to think about it," he said, his voice hollow and sad.
My ire turned immediately to sadness, now concerned with his own unhappiness rather than my awareness of the maltreatment toward myself and my father, and undoubtedly, what my baby would also face. I found my composure and reminded him, trying to comfort his nerves, "Don't worry, no one's rushin' you."
He laughed humorlessly, shaking his head. "Aren't you forgetting about someone?"
My body slouched back into the chair. Why did this have to be so difficult?
"It's a matter of *weeks* here, remember? Pretty soon, it's gonna be too late."
I sighed. "Yeah, I guess so."
No one said anything, neither of us really sure where to take it from there.
"Wanna go downstairs?" I asked quietly.
He just nodded, then stood up with me.
We walked to the door, but I stopped him, resting my hand on his shoulder. "Ya still have some time," I reassured.
*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*
"I can't imagine you both slept for this long," Hoshi told us, placing her plate in the sink.
"And just what are you implying, Hoshi?" Travis sniggered, his lascivious mind getting the best of him.
"Still the same after all these years," Malcolm teased, but barely audible above Hoshi's protests and the others' laughing at poor Hoshi as she blushed, chiding Travis.
The bickering between them all had very much helped me try to put behind me the troubles of what had gone on upstairs. I had decided not to involve them all in a personal decision like this one, as it was David's decision, not mine or anyone else's. But just being around them made me happier, so I didn't have to try too hard to return to my usual self.
I snatched a muffin from behind Dad and flopped into one of the chairs at the table, unaware of how hyper I was after such a long period of being so weak. I assumed that the combination of the stimulants I had taken and being unable to do much for so long accounted for my energy.
"Guess I don't need t' ask if ya want anythin' t' eat..." Dad teased. He smiled at David. "How 'bout you? You feelin' up to some breakfast?"
David shook his head. "I don't wanna even *think* about food."
He laughed. "Been there...."
I finished my muffin quickly to go sit next to David on the couch. As I sat down, probably a bit too heavily for being beside someone as nauseous as he was, he winced.
"What's wrong?"
"My side hurts..." he told me, his hand over the now very defined lump over his ribcage. "Every time I move like that. And every time the baby moves."
"I'm sorry.... I'll be more careful." But he still held his side. "It's almost a week, don't worry."
"What's goin' on?" Dad asked.
"He says his side hurts."
"Huh..." he said in thought. "I don't remember hurtin' too bad *this* early...."
"Should we take him to Phlox?" Travis suggested.
He looked at David, and I could see him staring almost through him as a memory caused him to hesitate. It was obviously something that he remembered going through, and was slightly troubled by the outcome. "...Might be a good idea."
*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*
"So, Doc?"
Phlox looked up briefly from the scanner over David's abdomen to acknowledge the question, but his eyes almost immediately were focused back on the readings. "It seems his gestation period will be slightly shorter than yours was," he said. I could see by his countenance that he was somewhat uncertain now about whether he was taking the best course of action by waiting a full week. Then he said, defining specifically *what* length of time he saw in store for David, "Actually, I believe that around the time *you* delivered K'Ela premature, *he* will actually come to term."
David fidgeted uncomfortably. "So... what does that mean?"
"Complications arose for Mr. Tucker, I believe, during the second week or so, and I assumed you would experience the same complications at the same time. However... I did not account for the variation I should have been aware of due to your two very different situations. K'Ela's once deteriorating neurons and failing neurotransmitters had caused her to emit, almost in a frenzy, enough genetic material and enough energy necessary to hurriedly complete the mental bond. She could then begin to regenerate any region of her mind that had been damaged- or rather, slowed or shut down for that period of time. And so, chemical processes in the child were actually sped up as well, on account of K'Ela's hasty expulsion."
He turned off the scanner. "So in your case... those complications I spoke of may become problematic very soon."
"Does that mean you have to operate right now?"
"I believe I would be taking a serious risk if I did so," he disagreed. "The child might be developing at a quicker rate, however, it has integrated only recently with your digestive system- as, previously, it had merely absorbed nutrients, and now is beginning to prepare for the actual process of digesting food on its own- and respiratory system so as to gradually acclimate to our atmosphere.... Pulling it from your ribcage at this point in time may be fatal to this baby, and may cause serious affliction to yourself."
David's face paled.
"What if we waited a little bit?" I offered, though it was a fairly obvious suggestion.
He nodded. "I believe that would be the best thing to do." He turned back to David. "I will try to wait as long as I possibly can without causing you too much pain, then I will perform the surgery. But I am still unsure of how early I will be able to do this without doing harm."
*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*
Two days later we were back in the hospital.
He had been in pain the day before, and then in tremendous agony the day we went back. He said it even hurt to breathe. We were all afraid that any breath might break his ribs. And now, we all sat in the waiting room, terrified that one of them might not survive.
Dad put his arm around me, but I could barely feel it there. David was still two days too early for this surgery, and my mind was unable to comprehend anything else. If he was hurt, it would be my fault. And I couldn't bear to see someone I love so much suffer because of me. And what if the baby died? My heart sank in my chest. I didn't know if I could deal with that.
Phlox had tried to reassure us that, though there was a greater chance of danger to the two of them, he would compensate for that by being even more careful with the already delicate operation. But I was numb to all knowledge of every precaution; all I could think of was the chance we were taking. There was danger in just the pregnancy itself, and now there was even more.
I stared off at the wall, just wishing that- just this one time- everything would be okay.
//Come on, hurry up....// I packed my backpack as quickly as possible, thankful that my study hall teacher was kind enough to let us out to our lockers early. However, it seems a law of nature that under pressure, it becomes absolutely impossible to find each and every Padd you need, and actually manage to get it into a bag. You suddenly become the most clumsy, disorganized person to ever live.
Then the afternoon bell rang: a signal that sends all hell to break loose in every hallway in every school, no exceptions.
//Damn friggin' bell....//
And for me, it was a signal that sent me the all too cruel message that I can't run away forever.
I abandoned actually looking for the Padds I needed and just shoved every last one of them into the bag, zipping it up and throwing my locker shut, thinking to myself, //Great job, K'Ela.... Gonna be outta here in *no* time.//
"K'Ela," a quiet voice said from right behind me.
I flinched. //He *can't* be here that quickly, he just *can't* be....//
I turned around and saw David's inquiring eyes staring down at mine.
//I really hate being slow.//
I started to walk away.
"Hold on!" he told me, dashing after me, then matching my pace.
"Don'tcha need t' go t' yer locker or somethin'?"
"No."
I walked quicker.
"Aw, come on, K'Ela, are you just gonna keep running away from me?!"
"Actually, I was goin' fer avoidance altogether."
He took my arm when we reached the bottom of the stairway, making me finally stop and turn around, speechless for once. "Why won't you talk to me?"
"'Cause-" I started out angrily, then stopped. How could I explain that it really wasn't him I was avoiding? It was the questions that I asked myself when he was around that scared me, that made me angry. "...Because I don't understand."
"What don't you understand?" he asked me calmly.
I looked at the floor, and he let go of my arm. He knew now I wasn't going to run off. "You told me somethin' yesterday, an'..."
"So?"
"I can't."
"Why not?"
There was no further away I could look than at the floor, and I was slightly disappointed by that. I could feel my blood starting to boil at all the questions he was shooting at me, even though he wasn't really being all that forceful. Then again, maybe that was the reason I couldn't stand his questions. "I don' exactly feel like explainin'."
"Well, you're gonna have to, because right now I don't have a good reason for why you don't accept that I love you."
"Quit sayin' that."
"Why, then?"
Now he was really getting me furious.
"Why *should* I stop? If you don't love *me*, then-"
"I didn't say that!"
"Then *what*??"
"Because you *can't* love me!" I nearly shouted, stunned at my own sudden outburst, and then, as I flushed a very red copper color, very thankful that not many people used this stairway.
"Well *now* we're getting somewhere," he said with a slight smile.
That jerk! That was his intention the whole time! To make me so mad that I would finally just blurt out what I was thinking! If I wasn't so stunned, I would have killed him.
"Now why shouldn't I love you?"
I gritted my teeth. "I dunno if ya realize this, but in a goddamn *hallway* is *not* exactly the best place t' have one 'a these arguments."
"This is a stairwell. There's a big difference," he came back with, a grin stretched across his face.
"You really piss me off," I hissed.
"Good."
"...An' yer too damn *quiet* all the time!" I declared, somewhat randomly, actually, now that I look back on it.
He laughed. "Well, opposites attract."
"Don'tcha think we're just a little *too* opposite?" I countered.
"Meaning?" he inquired, leaning his weight on the wall beneath his shoulder.
"You know *exactly* what I mean."
"Just 'cause you're not human?"
"'*Just*'?" I laughed at the ridiculous understatement. "I wouldn't exactly say 'just' fer that."
"Well, it doesn't matter to *me*."
"But...." I had just lost the only subject I had for argument.
He approached me and touched my hand gently, still hesitant to do anything that might provoke my defensiveness again. "I love you K'Ela," he said sincerely. "I just wanna know if you love *me*."
I stared into his hazel eyes, too honest to want to look away from, and nodded.
"...Isn't that enough?"
He looked into my eyes for permission, waiting for another protest, but received none. So he pressed his lips to mine, and I was done with arguing.
"K'Ela? K'Ela?"
I came back from my daze.
"David is in recovery right now," Phlox told me. "They both did very well, and though there was *some* trouble, it was not-"
"What kind of trouble?" I asked, my heart nearly jumping from my chest.
"Just what I had expected and nothing worse," he said reassuringly, strongly, trying to calm me. "You don't need to be concerned."
Even though I was, I tried my best to relax.
"If you would like to see him now, you can."
I found myself in the hallway in seconds, following Phlox to the room David was in, the whole time seeing nothing around me until we were in the room. Once we were there, Phlox decided to give us some time by ourselves, and returned to the waiting room instead to assure the others of good health.
"How are ya?" I asked quietly, David looking exhausted but happy.
"I'm okay," he told me weakly. "How 'bout you? You look worse than *I* do."
I laughed, shaking my head. "Ya scared the hell outta me."
I sat on the bed, trying not to sit on his hands or legs, as it was not a wide bed. "That was kinda close, huh?" I said, trying not to sound as grim as the thoughts that had gone through my mind.
"I'm just glad we didn't lose him," he said, placing his hand lightly over his stomach.
My eyes grew wide. "*Him*?" I asked.
"Phlox... didn't tell you?" he asked, now worried that I hadn't wanted to know.
I shook my head.
"Oh...." He shifted nervously. "Did I just ruin something?"
"Not at all," I said in a hushed voice, smiling. He knew then that I was not unhappy that I had not been told, but was actually awed at the knowledge.
"'Him,' huh?" I said in amazement, and joy unlike I'd ever felt flooded my heart with warmth.
My hand found the small bulge in his stomach where our baby grew, and I smiled. "I can't believe this is our little boy in here...." I looked at David. "...Is it weird?"
He laughed a little, smiling, then reluctantly nodded. "But... it's not as weird as I thought."
I lingered a minute longer, musing over the child that I found to be nothing less than perfect in my eyes. I couldn't imagine what I would have felt like if, at that moment, there wasn't a baby to inquire about... or if David was no longer there beside me to respond. Thoughts of life without them brought back the horrible feeling of sinking along with slowly accumulating tears.
I put my arms around him then, and hugged him tightly, letting my tears fall freely, taking him a bit by surprise. "Please don't ever scare me like that again.... I don't ever wanna hear that you two might not be okay...."
He wrapped his arms around me, comforting me. "I'll try my best," he laughed, but his eyes were misty as well.
I could tell he knew that there would be so many more complications, so many chances that he might not make it through this, but he was determined to just press on, no matter what. He was too strong to let possibilities intimidate him.
*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*
"And Phlox is sure?"
I nodded. "Why wouldn't 'e be?" I asked quietly.
Malcolm dropped his eyes to the corner of the room and said nothing for a long time as he sat in deep thought.
I could hear over the humming of the air conditioning system Travis and Hoshi upstairs with David in light and airy conversation, and in the den, Dad and Jon talking in low tones, apparently still with much catching up to do. I was hovering between concern and relief, but landed on neither for any sufficient amount of time.
"I suppose I had always seen it..." he began quietly. "...I just chose to brush it off."
"I hope yer not blamin' yerself," I told him, playing with the empty glass in front of me to try to distract myself from the worries which I refused to allow to overtake me.
"I'm not placing the full blame on myself, but I *am* partially at fault for letting it get as bad as it had...." His voice faded out.
"I'm sure we *all* could'a done somethin'...." I stopped playing with the glass. "But... really, I don't think any of us knew just *what* t' do."
"No, K'Ela, don't you start grouping yourself in with the rest of us, telling yourself you shared our responsibilities." I narrowed my eyes at him in disbelief that he would say such a thing. "I know you probably have taken it upon yourself to... well... take some of the blame, but-"
"I-" I interrupted, but he held up a hand to stop me.
"...But," he continued, "you know as well as I do that a father doesn't burden his daughter with his own troubles." He sighed. "I'm sure he never let on to the things people said behind your back.... About him *or* you."
He shook his head. "It's a shame that so many are still like that now, and that you have to face the same thing he once could shield you from *now* when you have the knowledge of an adult and not as much of that innocent... unconditional acceptance we have as young children that all people are good."
I was silent, but then I returned to the matter at hand, dismissing what he said so I would feel neither responsible nor powerless. "It doesn't matter anymore whose fault it was, it's just a matter of making sure things don't get worse."
He nodded. "But I think he's doing well... at least for now."
I agreed. "I don't really know what t' make of it, though. Is it just because you guys are here, but he'll go back t' bein' depressed when you leave, or is it because he knows he isn't alone?"
Malcolm found that he had no response, and frowned. "I really hope it's the latter. Maybe he could get better then, once he realizes that."
"I really hope so."
He watched me start to play with the glass again. "...Do you think, maybe... he might try to contact his family again?"
"After all these years?" I laughed cynically, then shook my head. "I don't think he could. How would he be able t' just walk back in there after how he left? An' what would they say? I... I wish things could be better'n that, but...."
He was stunned. "Are you saying he hadn't even gone back to see his parents after Lizzie died?"
I searched my memory for the event, and found nothing. I remembered many mentions of her- after all, many times had he told me of stories about her- but her death had happened so early in my life that the event of the attack had surfaced nothing more in my mind than the fear that froze me while the earth shook beneath my feet. Nothing more found its way to my conscious, and so I said, "He prob'ly didn't. I don't even think he went to the memorial service."
He sighed. "I don't know whether I...." He trailed off, and stopped to listen intently.
"What?"
I heard the front door close, and Malcolm's eyes widened.
"Dad?" I called, getting up from my seat and moving quickly to the door. "Dad?!"
Malcolm followed me, in just as much concern that my father was running off again for some unknown reason, and by the look on Malcolm's face, this had happened before. I reached the hallway and was just about to reach the handle of the door when Jon took me away.
"You can't just let 'im go like that!" I shouted, and at that point, both Travis and Hoshi had come from upstairs to see what was wrong.
"No, K'Ela, let him go," Jon told me, still restraining me as Hoshi and Travis looked on in confusion.
I stopped trying to escape him, and he finally let me go. I had realized that whatever the reason was to let my father leave when he was still a potential harm to himself, it had to be a pretty good one. Jon wouldn't take that risk unless it was worth taking.
"He needs to do this," Jon said quietly, then retired back to the den, leaving us all waiting by the stairs.
***************
Okay, that was my longest chapter ever. Sorry. But I hope everyone at
least enjoyed it.
On that note. *sniffle,* the story is almost over. *Tear* But oh well! Everything has to end sometime! ^ - ^ v So just tell me what you thought of this chapter, and if you have any questions- or any bones to pick with me about not putting something in- feel free to add that to your review.
(Can you tell I'm deprived?)
So, go on, REVIEW!!! ^ - ^
So, I really hope everyone remembers where I left off, 'cause a recap would be a bit too long, don'tcha think? I mean, condensing 71 pages is a little tough. And I think this may just be my longest chapter ever. So nope, not
gonna recap.
Okay, for anyone that doesn't know (and that actually wants to know),
"hajimaru" is Japanese. If you want to know what it means, look it up! J/K, it means "to begin," but "hajimaru" sounds a lot nicer, doesn't it?
Kind of a paradox, if you think about it, but it really fits with the
chapter.
So, enjoy the chapter, after the long wait, AND the long intro.
Chapter 17
Hajimaru
I was surprised to find that I felt... happy. For the first time in a long time. I immediately hugged David, who was taking the news pretty well, considering the situation was a little stressful to say the least. He had very little choice from the beginning, knowing that if he abandoned me then.... Well.... That was done and over with. But I suppose not having the time to think over any of his own consequences meant that he had no time to let the insecurities bother him as they did me. I truly did not understand at first as to why hearing the news didn't immediately bring up weeks of equivocal dread that had remained on the surface of his mind but had never actually been addressed. But it took me little time to realize he didn't allow that to happen in fear that he might uproot my deepest anxieties that I had suppressed. I was afraid of that reaction, but he never allowed for it.
I think the biggest shock to us was that we both weren't surprised at all. We both assumed from the beginning that we were going to have a baby, and so when Phlox announced it, it was more of a reassurance to us than anything else. And so at that point, David was pretty used to the idea. Whether he was *comfortable* with it or not was a whole other matter entirely. But at the time, I doubt either of us knew how we felt. It seemed a mixture of relief and slight anxiety, and I wondered silently if the ease would, in time, overpower the apprehension and overcome it altogether.
There was a calmness in the room that swept over us all soon after the initial surprise, and it pulled me away from the foreboding feeling I had felt. It was evident when they all made sure to give their congratulations, a happiness to now congratulate us on our engagement and our baby as well. There was no discomfort in their doing so, as I had thought to expect, but soon I realized that everyone left in the room, beside myself and David, had already gone through this once before.
My dad was the last to come up to us, but the most delighted. I could see in his eyes a gentle shimmer that radiated and sparkled and lit up the room. It was obvious that he especially wanted to make his congratulations known, happy and slightly teary, but he managed to add in his two cents, as he usually managed to. For David's forewarning, he told him, "The first few weeks are gonna *suck*," which at least made David laugh. That dissipated any residual anxiety I had over David's reaction, and probably calmed *him* as well.
When the crowd- which is really what it felt like- finally began to clear away from us, I asked him, "You're really okay?" holding his hand.
"Yeah," he said, smiling, and squeezing my hand back. "Surprisingly... yeah."
I put my arms around him, clasping my fingers together at his waist, and rested my head on his chest, thinking to myself that in a matter of weeks, I wouldn't be able to do that as easily anymore. Hug him like that, I mean.
Phlox grinned at us, then said, "You two won't have to stay here much longer. I know you're both *anxious* to leave."
He fixed his eyes on David, then started in on what he would say next. I knew there would be a "but..." to what he had said. "K'Ela needs very little medical attention as of late, however, now it seems you *do*. I would like to perform an operation on you... one that will save you a few broken ribs, unlike Mr. Tucker."
I cringed at that. I knew I caused him pain, as it was a very unnatural and unusual thing for him to go through, something his body was not exactly designed for. But I had no idea that I had hurt him *that* much. No wonder he was always hurt whenever I used to crawl into his lap as a small child. *Everything* must have hurt- his entire body must have ached for years. But I kept my mouth shut. The last thing I needed to do was scare David.
"I'm afraid I cannot have you undergo this operation until somewhat later; I must wait until after the child integrates with several of your organs before the surgery," Phlox explained- somewhat nonchalantly for such a harshly surreal prospect.
David's jaw dropped, and his entire body froze up. I'm sure he would have voiced his worry if he had been able to actually find his voice at the time.
"Don't worry, it is a necessary stage in the pregnancy for the child to survive," he explained quickly, seeing David's concern.
I watched his shoulders slump as he let out a breath of relief. "Good...."
Phlox nodded once. "At the end of one week, I believe, would be best?" he asked, turning to Rei'Ahn.
"Yes. I believe so."
"Good, then. And I will ask that you come in at the very *least* once a week."
I sat up a bit. "Will *you* be the doctor seein' him?" I asked, wondering if that was what he meant.
"I don't see why not," he told us. He then gave us both a smile and turned away to speak more with Rei'Ahn.
I rested my head back on David's shoulder, feeling the security and safety I had always felt there. In my mind I could see us both on the floor of the gymnasium, moving slowly side to side at the dance so long ago, the night I knew I was in love. I could still hear the music echoing in the darkness of the room, still feel the pillow softness of the suit he had never before worn, still smell the sweetness of the roses on the corsages that made the foul stench of the rubber gym floor bearable.
It was much like that now sitting with him, because for the first time in a long while, I felt peace. Nothing mattered but that one moment, as it had so many years ago when we were both so young.
*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*
We stepped outside the hospital, and though I hoped for a day of sunshine and clear blue skies, I was much happier with what nature had for me. The air smelled of summer rain, damp and hot, accompanied by the light aroma of cut grass- the trail left behind from a passing rainfall. The clouds were thick and faded gray, obstructing the light of the sun, but parting just enough to create spotlights that shone down from the sky.
Everything seemed new to me, like I hadn't seen the world in years. It was almost as if I had completely forgotten sunlight, had never seen color in such vibrant hues, had never noticed the life that existed around me.... I acted much like a small child, mesmerized by it all.
When we entered my father's house, I was relieved that it smelled faintly of pine, a good deal like dust, and had the slightest twinge of linen. Finally, a smell that was not sickeningly sterile.
I looked around the house, my eyes scanning everything I passed. The carpeted floor felt soft beneath my feet, so different from the hard linoleum tiles of the hospital. As I passed by the place where I had once seen my father and Jon in their quarrel so many years ago, my eyes drifted to the old captain, his face lined with the sadness of the years gone by without his best friend. His eyes were misty, but the strength that commanding the NX-01 gave him prevented the memories from breaking down his so far stoic demeanor.
I came to the end of the hall and stood a moment, unmoving. Light poured in through skylights, an exuberant red-orange every so often blocked by pillow-soft clouds, but always present, no matter how dim. It added a strength to the room, a vividness in everything, that I found beautiful.
I watched Hoshi, Travis, and Malcolm take a corner into the den, and though I could have followed them, I found myself drawn to the west-facing windows. They were right near the skylights, and so I stood under them, feeling the warmth of the sun's rays. "Almost forgot what life outside the hospital ward was like..." I murmured quietly to myself.
David put an arm around me from behind and gave me a smile. His face glowed warmly in the orange sunset. I laid my head upon his shoulder as we both looked out the windows and watched as the outside world began its regression into night. There was a long silence as we stood, observing, barely existing- it felt like we were nothing more than onlookers, watching as the world around us slipped lazily into sleep.
"What'd you do with the coffee table?" a voice asked quietly from behind me, attracting only my attention, not David's. It was Jon.
"It's in *there* now," my dad responded.
"I got so used to trying not to walk into it that I hardly noticed it wasn't even here anymore."
"That's why I moved it. Kept fallin' over the damn thing."
There was a pause.
"I can hardly recognize the place anymore," Jon told him. His tone was quiet, but his words had a depth that such a simple statement was almost incapable of.
"A lot's changed in twenty years."
There was silence, but it was not uncomfortable. There was an understanding, a sentiment that went unsaid, but hovered in the air, floated on that silence.
"I, uh..." Dad began, trying to give voice to that silence, but not quite sure how.
"I know, Trip. Don't worry. ...I know."
I wanted to turn around, to show that I knew what it all had become to them, to express my happiness that they had both picked up from where Enterprise had torn them apart, but it wasn't my place. My place was right there, with David, engulfed by the sunlight, and not in the shadows where I had once had the fortitude and the resolution to explore. It was just not my place anymore.
*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*
When I awoke the next morning, I found that it was considerably late. Not only had Hoshi gone (she had made a makeshift bed out of several blankets and a pillow beside the bed for the night)- presumably downstairs- but David also was already up, and by the looks of the computer game he had on the screen, he had been up for a while. Hearing the sheets rustling as I sat up in bed, David turned around and saw me there, rubbing the sleep from my eyes. He said "Good morning," from his chair at the desk by the window.
His wan smile and thin features weren't convincing enough to make me believe otherwise as to how I knew he was feeling, but I smiled back, and fumbled my way to the other side of the bed next to where he sat. I realized quickly as I tried to unwrap myself from a tangle of bedsheets that I hadn't exactly recovered my motor skills back to their optimum level. I managed anyway, trying almost too hard, I thought, to compensate for my lack of coordination.
"When'dja get up?" I asked, finally getting settled.
"I have no idea," he mumbled, shaking his head.
I tilted my head sympathetically, deciding not to ignore that his face was drained of much of its color. "Y'okay?"
He shrugged, his shoulders slumped limply. "Good enough, I guess."
"Nauseous again?"
"Hm," he laughed weakly. "That's an understatement."
I reached over to him and wrapped my arms around him, loosely, afraid that I might hold him too tight for his queasy stomach to handle, but he didn't seem to mind too much. I could feel our baby growing inside him, and its tiny heartbeat through his skin. He put his hand over mine and smiled. I was happy to see that, knowing he could have felt very uncomfortable right then. But, unfortunately, that smile gradually drooped into a frown.
"Oh, crap- let go," he told me, prying my arms off of him and quickly leaving the room.
I sighed, hoping to myself that it would only be a few weeks of this. I'm sure David was thinking the exact same thing. I got up and flopped lazily into the computer chair, swiveling around a little bit to quiet the discomfort of being by myself in such a big room. It seemed like every big room became much bigger when I was the only one in it. I hated it. But at least that feeling was starting to become easier to cope with, and I'm sure, with time, would eventually disappear altogether.
I looked around the desk, trying to kill time until David returned- after all, I didn't really want to leave him by himself when he had at least waited for me to wake up. I smiled seeing a doodle on a small yellow notepad beside me, a funny little sketch with absolutely no significance at all, but obviously something he had had fun with. I flipped to the next page to see if he had drawn another, but instead was a phone number, written a few times with numbers inverted and others exchanged, several Xs and squiggles to show that the number was wrong, until one was finally settled upon- one which only looked vaguely familiar to me. I tried to think, tried to comprehend the numbers, but their significance wouldn't surface in my mind.
I turned around then, hearing David coming back. I still held the pad in my hand, hoping that if he saw me, a discussion would follow. I wanted that discussion. I didn't want to avoid it. It needed to be said, whatever it was.
When he came into the room, he looked sadly at me, noticing the paper. "I know you're probably gonna tell me I have to, but I'm not gonna go through with it, so don't even bother to waste your time debating," he grumbled, sitting down heavily on the bed.
The number became familiar to me again once that was said. It was his parents' new phone number- one he had only become aware of through his brother Mike. I doubt he had asked for it once he knew of the change, considering they hadn't had the decency to tell him about it, but rather had been given it "in case of emergency- you know... just in case"- as Mike had told him as he handed David the piece of paper... one he kept for a day or so, then tore up. I could understand his reluctance to make contact with them after their cruel excommunication, and more so now that our son or daughter would be subjected to the same treatment that they showed to me.
"It's your decision," I told him quietly.
He sighed. "I don't want to deal with them. I don't want to...." He stopped.
He didn't want to be hurt anymore.
"I know," I said, sitting very still.
"I don't even want them to know," he said sadly. "But... is that necessarily a bad thing?"
I thought about it for a long while. I really didn't know. I didn't even know whether they even loved their own son- so why would they, after hating me, love our baby?
"I don't know what to do..." he told me, shrugging. "They.... I don't know how they'll react. And I don't think I want to know." He paused. "Maybe... maybe it'll be different from before. ...But maybe it won't be."
"Well... as I said, it's your decision." I didn't exactly want to get caught up in it all, or be responsible for a bad decision. Especially since both choices seemed so wrong... to him, at least. I still couldn't help but feel like not telling them would be the right choice, knowing how they had treated my father, but I did not voice how I felt.
Would they treat David as a disappointment now too? Or rather, as more of a disappointment than he already was to them? Could they continue to just simply pretend he doesn't exist, ignore any and all complications he might have and then turn their heads away when the day finally comes when he gives birth? Anger boiled inside me, and I found it harder and harder to control how I felt.
I looked up to see if David was battling as violent emotions as I was, only to see him staring at the bedspread, almost as if he were counting each loop of thread. Rather than anger and hate, it seemed he was struggling with very somber thoughts. "I just need some time to think about it," he said, his voice hollow and sad.
My ire turned immediately to sadness, now concerned with his own unhappiness rather than my awareness of the maltreatment toward myself and my father, and undoubtedly, what my baby would also face. I found my composure and reminded him, trying to comfort his nerves, "Don't worry, no one's rushin' you."
He laughed humorlessly, shaking his head. "Aren't you forgetting about someone?"
My body slouched back into the chair. Why did this have to be so difficult?
"It's a matter of *weeks* here, remember? Pretty soon, it's gonna be too late."
I sighed. "Yeah, I guess so."
No one said anything, neither of us really sure where to take it from there.
"Wanna go downstairs?" I asked quietly.
He just nodded, then stood up with me.
We walked to the door, but I stopped him, resting my hand on his shoulder. "Ya still have some time," I reassured.
*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*
"I can't imagine you both slept for this long," Hoshi told us, placing her plate in the sink.
"And just what are you implying, Hoshi?" Travis sniggered, his lascivious mind getting the best of him.
"Still the same after all these years," Malcolm teased, but barely audible above Hoshi's protests and the others' laughing at poor Hoshi as she blushed, chiding Travis.
The bickering between them all had very much helped me try to put behind me the troubles of what had gone on upstairs. I had decided not to involve them all in a personal decision like this one, as it was David's decision, not mine or anyone else's. But just being around them made me happier, so I didn't have to try too hard to return to my usual self.
I snatched a muffin from behind Dad and flopped into one of the chairs at the table, unaware of how hyper I was after such a long period of being so weak. I assumed that the combination of the stimulants I had taken and being unable to do much for so long accounted for my energy.
"Guess I don't need t' ask if ya want anythin' t' eat..." Dad teased. He smiled at David. "How 'bout you? You feelin' up to some breakfast?"
David shook his head. "I don't wanna even *think* about food."
He laughed. "Been there...."
I finished my muffin quickly to go sit next to David on the couch. As I sat down, probably a bit too heavily for being beside someone as nauseous as he was, he winced.
"What's wrong?"
"My side hurts..." he told me, his hand over the now very defined lump over his ribcage. "Every time I move like that. And every time the baby moves."
"I'm sorry.... I'll be more careful." But he still held his side. "It's almost a week, don't worry."
"What's goin' on?" Dad asked.
"He says his side hurts."
"Huh..." he said in thought. "I don't remember hurtin' too bad *this* early...."
"Should we take him to Phlox?" Travis suggested.
He looked at David, and I could see him staring almost through him as a memory caused him to hesitate. It was obviously something that he remembered going through, and was slightly troubled by the outcome. "...Might be a good idea."
*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*
"So, Doc?"
Phlox looked up briefly from the scanner over David's abdomen to acknowledge the question, but his eyes almost immediately were focused back on the readings. "It seems his gestation period will be slightly shorter than yours was," he said. I could see by his countenance that he was somewhat uncertain now about whether he was taking the best course of action by waiting a full week. Then he said, defining specifically *what* length of time he saw in store for David, "Actually, I believe that around the time *you* delivered K'Ela premature, *he* will actually come to term."
David fidgeted uncomfortably. "So... what does that mean?"
"Complications arose for Mr. Tucker, I believe, during the second week or so, and I assumed you would experience the same complications at the same time. However... I did not account for the variation I should have been aware of due to your two very different situations. K'Ela's once deteriorating neurons and failing neurotransmitters had caused her to emit, almost in a frenzy, enough genetic material and enough energy necessary to hurriedly complete the mental bond. She could then begin to regenerate any region of her mind that had been damaged- or rather, slowed or shut down for that period of time. And so, chemical processes in the child were actually sped up as well, on account of K'Ela's hasty expulsion."
He turned off the scanner. "So in your case... those complications I spoke of may become problematic very soon."
"Does that mean you have to operate right now?"
"I believe I would be taking a serious risk if I did so," he disagreed. "The child might be developing at a quicker rate, however, it has integrated only recently with your digestive system- as, previously, it had merely absorbed nutrients, and now is beginning to prepare for the actual process of digesting food on its own- and respiratory system so as to gradually acclimate to our atmosphere.... Pulling it from your ribcage at this point in time may be fatal to this baby, and may cause serious affliction to yourself."
David's face paled.
"What if we waited a little bit?" I offered, though it was a fairly obvious suggestion.
He nodded. "I believe that would be the best thing to do." He turned back to David. "I will try to wait as long as I possibly can without causing you too much pain, then I will perform the surgery. But I am still unsure of how early I will be able to do this without doing harm."
*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*
Two days later we were back in the hospital.
He had been in pain the day before, and then in tremendous agony the day we went back. He said it even hurt to breathe. We were all afraid that any breath might break his ribs. And now, we all sat in the waiting room, terrified that one of them might not survive.
Dad put his arm around me, but I could barely feel it there. David was still two days too early for this surgery, and my mind was unable to comprehend anything else. If he was hurt, it would be my fault. And I couldn't bear to see someone I love so much suffer because of me. And what if the baby died? My heart sank in my chest. I didn't know if I could deal with that.
Phlox had tried to reassure us that, though there was a greater chance of danger to the two of them, he would compensate for that by being even more careful with the already delicate operation. But I was numb to all knowledge of every precaution; all I could think of was the chance we were taking. There was danger in just the pregnancy itself, and now there was even more.
I stared off at the wall, just wishing that- just this one time- everything would be okay.
//Come on, hurry up....// I packed my backpack as quickly as possible, thankful that my study hall teacher was kind enough to let us out to our lockers early. However, it seems a law of nature that under pressure, it becomes absolutely impossible to find each and every Padd you need, and actually manage to get it into a bag. You suddenly become the most clumsy, disorganized person to ever live.
Then the afternoon bell rang: a signal that sends all hell to break loose in every hallway in every school, no exceptions.
//Damn friggin' bell....//
And for me, it was a signal that sent me the all too cruel message that I can't run away forever.
I abandoned actually looking for the Padds I needed and just shoved every last one of them into the bag, zipping it up and throwing my locker shut, thinking to myself, //Great job, K'Ela.... Gonna be outta here in *no* time.//
"K'Ela," a quiet voice said from right behind me.
I flinched. //He *can't* be here that quickly, he just *can't* be....//
I turned around and saw David's inquiring eyes staring down at mine.
//I really hate being slow.//
I started to walk away.
"Hold on!" he told me, dashing after me, then matching my pace.
"Don'tcha need t' go t' yer locker or somethin'?"
"No."
I walked quicker.
"Aw, come on, K'Ela, are you just gonna keep running away from me?!"
"Actually, I was goin' fer avoidance altogether."
He took my arm when we reached the bottom of the stairway, making me finally stop and turn around, speechless for once. "Why won't you talk to me?"
"'Cause-" I started out angrily, then stopped. How could I explain that it really wasn't him I was avoiding? It was the questions that I asked myself when he was around that scared me, that made me angry. "...Because I don't understand."
"What don't you understand?" he asked me calmly.
I looked at the floor, and he let go of my arm. He knew now I wasn't going to run off. "You told me somethin' yesterday, an'..."
"So?"
"I can't."
"Why not?"
There was no further away I could look than at the floor, and I was slightly disappointed by that. I could feel my blood starting to boil at all the questions he was shooting at me, even though he wasn't really being all that forceful. Then again, maybe that was the reason I couldn't stand his questions. "I don' exactly feel like explainin'."
"Well, you're gonna have to, because right now I don't have a good reason for why you don't accept that I love you."
"Quit sayin' that."
"Why, then?"
Now he was really getting me furious.
"Why *should* I stop? If you don't love *me*, then-"
"I didn't say that!"
"Then *what*??"
"Because you *can't* love me!" I nearly shouted, stunned at my own sudden outburst, and then, as I flushed a very red copper color, very thankful that not many people used this stairway.
"Well *now* we're getting somewhere," he said with a slight smile.
That jerk! That was his intention the whole time! To make me so mad that I would finally just blurt out what I was thinking! If I wasn't so stunned, I would have killed him.
"Now why shouldn't I love you?"
I gritted my teeth. "I dunno if ya realize this, but in a goddamn *hallway* is *not* exactly the best place t' have one 'a these arguments."
"This is a stairwell. There's a big difference," he came back with, a grin stretched across his face.
"You really piss me off," I hissed.
"Good."
"...An' yer too damn *quiet* all the time!" I declared, somewhat randomly, actually, now that I look back on it.
He laughed. "Well, opposites attract."
"Don'tcha think we're just a little *too* opposite?" I countered.
"Meaning?" he inquired, leaning his weight on the wall beneath his shoulder.
"You know *exactly* what I mean."
"Just 'cause you're not human?"
"'*Just*'?" I laughed at the ridiculous understatement. "I wouldn't exactly say 'just' fer that."
"Well, it doesn't matter to *me*."
"But...." I had just lost the only subject I had for argument.
He approached me and touched my hand gently, still hesitant to do anything that might provoke my defensiveness again. "I love you K'Ela," he said sincerely. "I just wanna know if you love *me*."
I stared into his hazel eyes, too honest to want to look away from, and nodded.
"...Isn't that enough?"
He looked into my eyes for permission, waiting for another protest, but received none. So he pressed his lips to mine, and I was done with arguing.
"K'Ela? K'Ela?"
I came back from my daze.
"David is in recovery right now," Phlox told me. "They both did very well, and though there was *some* trouble, it was not-"
"What kind of trouble?" I asked, my heart nearly jumping from my chest.
"Just what I had expected and nothing worse," he said reassuringly, strongly, trying to calm me. "You don't need to be concerned."
Even though I was, I tried my best to relax.
"If you would like to see him now, you can."
I found myself in the hallway in seconds, following Phlox to the room David was in, the whole time seeing nothing around me until we were in the room. Once we were there, Phlox decided to give us some time by ourselves, and returned to the waiting room instead to assure the others of good health.
"How are ya?" I asked quietly, David looking exhausted but happy.
"I'm okay," he told me weakly. "How 'bout you? You look worse than *I* do."
I laughed, shaking my head. "Ya scared the hell outta me."
I sat on the bed, trying not to sit on his hands or legs, as it was not a wide bed. "That was kinda close, huh?" I said, trying not to sound as grim as the thoughts that had gone through my mind.
"I'm just glad we didn't lose him," he said, placing his hand lightly over his stomach.
My eyes grew wide. "*Him*?" I asked.
"Phlox... didn't tell you?" he asked, now worried that I hadn't wanted to know.
I shook my head.
"Oh...." He shifted nervously. "Did I just ruin something?"
"Not at all," I said in a hushed voice, smiling. He knew then that I was not unhappy that I had not been told, but was actually awed at the knowledge.
"'Him,' huh?" I said in amazement, and joy unlike I'd ever felt flooded my heart with warmth.
My hand found the small bulge in his stomach where our baby grew, and I smiled. "I can't believe this is our little boy in here...." I looked at David. "...Is it weird?"
He laughed a little, smiling, then reluctantly nodded. "But... it's not as weird as I thought."
I lingered a minute longer, musing over the child that I found to be nothing less than perfect in my eyes. I couldn't imagine what I would have felt like if, at that moment, there wasn't a baby to inquire about... or if David was no longer there beside me to respond. Thoughts of life without them brought back the horrible feeling of sinking along with slowly accumulating tears.
I put my arms around him then, and hugged him tightly, letting my tears fall freely, taking him a bit by surprise. "Please don't ever scare me like that again.... I don't ever wanna hear that you two might not be okay...."
He wrapped his arms around me, comforting me. "I'll try my best," he laughed, but his eyes were misty as well.
I could tell he knew that there would be so many more complications, so many chances that he might not make it through this, but he was determined to just press on, no matter what. He was too strong to let possibilities intimidate him.
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"And Phlox is sure?"
I nodded. "Why wouldn't 'e be?" I asked quietly.
Malcolm dropped his eyes to the corner of the room and said nothing for a long time as he sat in deep thought.
I could hear over the humming of the air conditioning system Travis and Hoshi upstairs with David in light and airy conversation, and in the den, Dad and Jon talking in low tones, apparently still with much catching up to do. I was hovering between concern and relief, but landed on neither for any sufficient amount of time.
"I suppose I had always seen it..." he began quietly. "...I just chose to brush it off."
"I hope yer not blamin' yerself," I told him, playing with the empty glass in front of me to try to distract myself from the worries which I refused to allow to overtake me.
"I'm not placing the full blame on myself, but I *am* partially at fault for letting it get as bad as it had...." His voice faded out.
"I'm sure we *all* could'a done somethin'...." I stopped playing with the glass. "But... really, I don't think any of us knew just *what* t' do."
"No, K'Ela, don't you start grouping yourself in with the rest of us, telling yourself you shared our responsibilities." I narrowed my eyes at him in disbelief that he would say such a thing. "I know you probably have taken it upon yourself to... well... take some of the blame, but-"
"I-" I interrupted, but he held up a hand to stop me.
"...But," he continued, "you know as well as I do that a father doesn't burden his daughter with his own troubles." He sighed. "I'm sure he never let on to the things people said behind your back.... About him *or* you."
He shook his head. "It's a shame that so many are still like that now, and that you have to face the same thing he once could shield you from *now* when you have the knowledge of an adult and not as much of that innocent... unconditional acceptance we have as young children that all people are good."
I was silent, but then I returned to the matter at hand, dismissing what he said so I would feel neither responsible nor powerless. "It doesn't matter anymore whose fault it was, it's just a matter of making sure things don't get worse."
He nodded. "But I think he's doing well... at least for now."
I agreed. "I don't really know what t' make of it, though. Is it just because you guys are here, but he'll go back t' bein' depressed when you leave, or is it because he knows he isn't alone?"
Malcolm found that he had no response, and frowned. "I really hope it's the latter. Maybe he could get better then, once he realizes that."
"I really hope so."
He watched me start to play with the glass again. "...Do you think, maybe... he might try to contact his family again?"
"After all these years?" I laughed cynically, then shook my head. "I don't think he could. How would he be able t' just walk back in there after how he left? An' what would they say? I... I wish things could be better'n that, but...."
He was stunned. "Are you saying he hadn't even gone back to see his parents after Lizzie died?"
I searched my memory for the event, and found nothing. I remembered many mentions of her- after all, many times had he told me of stories about her- but her death had happened so early in my life that the event of the attack had surfaced nothing more in my mind than the fear that froze me while the earth shook beneath my feet. Nothing more found its way to my conscious, and so I said, "He prob'ly didn't. I don't even think he went to the memorial service."
He sighed. "I don't know whether I...." He trailed off, and stopped to listen intently.
"What?"
I heard the front door close, and Malcolm's eyes widened.
"Dad?" I called, getting up from my seat and moving quickly to the door. "Dad?!"
Malcolm followed me, in just as much concern that my father was running off again for some unknown reason, and by the look on Malcolm's face, this had happened before. I reached the hallway and was just about to reach the handle of the door when Jon took me away.
"You can't just let 'im go like that!" I shouted, and at that point, both Travis and Hoshi had come from upstairs to see what was wrong.
"No, K'Ela, let him go," Jon told me, still restraining me as Hoshi and Travis looked on in confusion.
I stopped trying to escape him, and he finally let me go. I had realized that whatever the reason was to let my father leave when he was still a potential harm to himself, it had to be a pretty good one. Jon wouldn't take that risk unless it was worth taking.
"He needs to do this," Jon said quietly, then retired back to the den, leaving us all waiting by the stairs.
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Okay, that was my longest chapter ever. Sorry. But I hope everyone at
least enjoyed it.
On that note. *sniffle,* the story is almost over. *Tear* But oh well! Everything has to end sometime! ^ - ^ v So just tell me what you thought of this chapter, and if you have any questions- or any bones to pick with me about not putting something in- feel free to add that to your review.
(Can you tell I'm deprived?)
So, go on, REVIEW!!! ^ - ^