Dumbledore sat in his office at Hogwarts, staring at his computer screen. Leaning back, he shuffled through some papers. Mostly confidential stuff. Ah, a lovely Christmas card from his best buddy Mumblemore who lived in Wisconsin. Suddenly realizing something, he started chuckling. Silly him, he really was going senile! He posted Mumblemore's address on the web! Poor Mumblemore, chuckled Dumbledore, He's going to have some interesting visitors.
No shit, Dumbledore.
Setting: Many, many miles away.
"Bella, we've made it!" shrieked Voldemort.
Bellatrix scratched her head. "This is a weird place for a hideout of a secret organization to save the world."
"Bella," said Voldemort impatiently, "Don't you understand? This is fucking brilliant. No one would ever suspect them here! They just mingle here inconspicuously and my Death Eaters would never have guessed! I mean, I've never even heard of..." Voldemort turns his head to read a sign that says Welcome to Samsingtonville, Wisconsin. "...Samsingtonville."
"Me niether," said Bellatrix in awe. "Anyways, let's get down to business."
Song from Disney's "Mulan" plays faintly in the distance.
"ANYWAY," Voldemort muttered whilst rolling his red eyes, "Did you write down the address?"
Bellatrix stared at him. "You didn't tell me to write it down."
"You didn't write down the address?! What kind of evil minion are you?"
"Oh, jeebus. Calm down, my Lord, I think I remember it. It was... 84 Garden of Flowers Lane. No, no... 84 Flower Garden Lane. Or road. See, we're on Flower Garden Road already! No sweat, no sweat," said Bellatrix soothingly to a hyperventilating Voldemort.
"Are you sure you have the number right? I thought it was divisible by 8," said Voldemort skeptically.
"No, I'm sure it wasn't divisible by 8. Now, let's go."
With that, the two evil cloaked figures walked down Flower Garden road in search of The Answer. To their questions.
A few minutes later, a panting Voldemort reached the steps of 84 Flower Garden Road.
"WhoooooOooo. Hold on, Bella, let me take a breather," gasped Voldemort. "And stop looking smugly at me. I don't exercise often. Usually my evil minions carry me around. Or I'm hanging on the back of their heads or something."
Bellatrix didn't respond and instead rang the doorbell. 2 long minutes later, an old woman in a bathrobe opens the door. Peering suspiciously at them, she wrinkles her nose in confusion.
"Hubert, theres a couple of trick-or-treaters dressed as witches at the door!" she shouted behind her.
"Holly, it's fucking March right now. Let me remind you again, Halloween is in October!"
"Don't you (insert horrid swearword) cuss at me, you (swearword)! You wait 'till I hobble over there!"
Holly slammed the door in Voldemort and Bellatrix's faces. They could hear chairs being thrown and glass breaking.
"Don't you tell me those crackheads are part of the Order."
"Sorry, Voldemort."
"Lord Voldemort."
"... Lord Voldemort."
"Okay. We, er, I mean, you got the wrong address so ... what do we do now?"
"Well I don't know. Hey, aren't you Lord Voldy-all-knowing?" said Bellatrix, clearly frustrated.
Voldemort ignored her. "Hey," he said faintly.
Silence.
"Any day now, Voldemort."
"I think I remember.... the address..."
"Well... spit it out, dimwit!" cried Bellatrix.
"It's 48 Flower Garden Road! I knew it was divisible by 8!" cried Voldemort triumphantly.
".... Fine," sputtered Bellatrix.
At 48 Flower Garden Road
"Knock on the door, Bella," panted Voldemort.
Bellatrix knocks.
A few seconds later, an old, fat, hairy man with an abnormally large potbelly answered the door. He was wearing just a towel and held a beer in his left hand. "What'dya want," he sneered.
"Ah," smirked Voldemort, "You know, they say that fat is the best disguise." He smiled. "Now, take off your mask, before I do it for you."
The man stared. "Are you threatening me, you skinny little thing?"
Voldemort gasped. "Bella," he whined, "He's making fun of me! It's not my fault I had surgery! I can't gain weight!"
Bellatrix decided to take action. Giving a whoop, she charged into the house, screaming.
"What the -"
Bellatrix looked around. Hmm. Flowery sofas. White curtains. Where was the Order? After making a complete tour around the house, she realized that it was empty.
Outside, Voldemort was standing face to face with the man.
"So, is any of this stuff real?" smirked Voldemort, prodding at the man's stomach with his wand.
"Stop touching me, you old pervert."
Voldemort cleared his throat. "Bella!" he shouted.
"My Lord! It is empty! Dumbledore has deceived us!"
Before the man could say anything, Voldemort nodded his head to Bellatrix and they disappeared with a Poof.
Within seconds, Voldemort and Bellatrix appeared back in Voldemort's house in South Dakota.
"He tricked us," muttered Voldemort, pacing around.
"Stupid senile old man, why didn't he post on his site that the address was that of a fat, hairy, old man?"
"I must get back at him," said Voldemort, squinting. "We must go to Hogwarts!"
"Lord, are you a complete idiot or what! You can't do that!"
"Yes I can, and I will!"
Bellatrix stared at him. "You can't apparate inside the walls of Hogwarts! Don't you remember? You used to be Tom Riddle! You used to go to the stupid school!"
"Shut up about Tom Riddle! I am not Tom Riddle!" shrieked Voldemort. "Anyway. We can't apparate inside Hogwarts... but we can apparte outside of Hogwarts! We can apparate near it and walk inside Hogwarts! Yes! I am brilliant!"
"I never thought of that," sighed Bellatrix in awe.
"Yes, let us do that now. Pack your bags, Bellatrix! Off to unplotted-place-on-map we go!"
"Er, are we going to share clothes again Voldemort?" asked Bellatrix.
"Eh - whatever. Just steal some galleons from some first year, buy some clothes ... doesn't matter. Now, hold on to my hand - don't want to get lost now - and watch out Hogwarts! The Dark Lord has come to capture your leader! And perhaps cause some chaos while we're at it."
With a whoosh, the Dark Lord and Bellatrix Lestrange landed about a mile away from Hogwarts.
"Bella," commanded Voldemort, "Carry me to Hogwarts."
"No way, you stupid man! Why would I want to carry you?"
Voldemort sighed. "It's not a matter of what you want, Bella. You didn't join my evil clan to sit around and eat donuts. Now. Piggy back ride."
Muttering and protesting, Bellatrix squated down and the Dark Lord clambered on top her back. 20 minutes later, they saw the glimmering entrance of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
Voldemort pumped his fist in the air. "We're here!" he cried triumphantly, "Now off to kill Dumbledore."
"Not before I kill you first," muttered the tired and sweating Bellatrix.
"Now I'll just pretend I didn't hear that and I won't Avada Kedavra you."
They walked slowly to the entrance, and after seeing no one around, quietly slipped into the Great Hall.
*****
Things are coming back to Harry and friends, because Voldemort just entered Hogwarts. Yay for you people who like Harry's adventures better.
More reviews = faster and possibly longer updates. I'm serious. Much thanks to all of you that have been reviewing.
See? I'm updating and it hasn't even been a week yet! Right? Or has it?