He pushed Harry against the wall. "What do you want, Malfoy?" Harry said weakly. "What do you think, hmm? I've got you pressed against the wall, we're alone in a stupid cave, what else do you think is going to happen?" Malfoy growled, "You know, you're not as smart as they say you are." "Oh goodness let's just
"Hermione?"
Hermione shut her notebook with a snap and looked up crossly.
"Oh thanks for interupting, Harry."
"No problem. Listen - the dance is soon... any of your friends free?" Harry asked hopefully.
"Just go with Ron, won't you? You too look great together," muttered Hermione, annoyed.
Harry turned red. "What do you know that we think you don't know?" he rambled.
He wasn't serious, was he? Was he really together with Ron? Goodness. Everyone was turning gay. Hold on - Ron was with Malfoy awhile ago. Geez, now Ron is cheating on Malfoy with Harry.
"Oh nothing, Harry, I was just ... kidding. Er, go ask Ginny or something."
Harry cleared his throat. Time to change the subject. "So, ah, what're you writing?"
"Before you rudely interupted me? Yes, I was writing that book. Remember? The one about the soccer players stranded in the middle of snowy mountains who get rescued by a guy on a donkey holding a sac of mangoes?"
"Right. And I'm in there, right? The one being seduced?"
"Exactly."
"So. Who's seducing me?"
Hermione smiled. "Malfoy."
South Dakota
Bellatrix slumped around Voldemort's hideout, bored out of her wits. What was the git doing now? She slumped over to his room.
"What are you doing, my Lord?"
"Reading fanfics," he said distractedly.
"...Trashy porn ones, from the looks of it," said Bellatrix, frowning. "Oh ew, is that one about me? Click on it. No, no, click on that one! Click on that story, you little mother -"
Voldemort finally clicked on the story. "Augh - stupid popup. No I do not care about Ebay, you stupid son of a -"
"Hey this story is very well written. I like this. Gosh, the author sure seems violent. She's threatening us if we don't review! 'Click the review button and leave a ****ing review or else I'll come hunt you down and kill you.'"
"We should leave a review, then," said Voldemort, shocked.
With trembling hands, he hurredly clicked Go.
Email: if_we_tell_we_have_to@killyou.com
Review: Good story but we think you should be less violent in trying to get reviews. Love, Voldie and Bella.
"Let's go to another story."
Voldemort and Bellatrix continue on their journey, discovering the wonders of fanfiction. They found that some stories could make them cry, some can make them laugh until they had a stomachache, and some were just plain stupid.
"Bella, look at this poorly written story. It's called 'Something for Nothing'. The first few chapters are just pointless because they don't involve me at all, but these last few chapters - look!"
"Yep, she makes you seem like a stupid, whiny little bitch."
"I know - we should flame her," muttered Voldemort angrily. "Hold on - I'm not really like that am I?"
"Of course not," answered Bellatrix quickly, "You are so evil, bad, you scare me so much I have nightmares for months."
"Heh, thanks Bella," said Voldie proudly. "I still think we should flame her, though."
"You do that. But first I want to read it."
When they got to chapter 16, Voldemort was fuming.
"She said I didn't have a nose! That's so low, man, that's low. You know what? I'm not reading these anymore. All this stories are just making fun of me. Come on, Bella, we'll find this - this - 'Run and Hide' and we'll kill her."
"No - no, now you're just ruining the story. I know what'll make you feel better. Let's have a post Valentine's day bash."
Voldemort's troubles diminished. "Party!" he squealed, "We can invite all the Death Eaters! Oh gosh, we have to get or-gan-ized! Make lists, make lists!"
"No," said Bellatrix faintly, "I just thought of something..."
4 minutes later...
"Now who's being the slow dimwit? Spit it out, woman!"
"Hogwarts is having a Spring Dance! Let's go be party poopers!"
"That sounds like a wonderful idea. Let's apparate one mile from there and you can give me a piggyback ride again."
*****
A few of you people wanted email updates or something. First, I must clarify what they are. Sorry for my stupidity. What I meant was that I can email you alerting of an update. But... whatever.
Sorry for the relatively short chapter, but I'm at my mom's work right now and it's not an ideal place for a hilarious update.
Again, thank you all for reviewing. (In other words, review again. Please? Thanks.)
Also! I wrote another stupid story. But that one is even stupider than this one, if possible. Go read it - It's called 'Another Stupid Story'. Original, I know.