I'm Gonna Fly

Summary: Lily has led a not so pretty life and now she can only think of one way out and that way is to Fly.

Rating: R for mature themes and language.

Warning: This has suicide and cutting as a very prominent theme. If that offends you, I am warning you now. And unless your in a really freaked up situation that I don't even want to know about, some one is not holding a gun to your head forcing you to read my story. And if so I am flattered that the gunman is forcing you to read my story instead of another.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. J.K. Rowlings does. And I don't own I'm Gonna Fly. Sydney Forest does. But if you feel like suing go ahead I will laugh my head off and see if there are any hotties in the courtroom.

Chapter 9

And my feet can't stay on the ground any longer.

Lily didn't know why she was glaring at the ceiling, she just was. She had nothing better to stare at then the old chiseled stone beam that bore the weight and offered support for the ceiling. She would have laughed at the irony of it. Here she was when she should be dead, lying in an infirmary glaring at a stone beam! She glared for a few more minutes before realizing how stupid she was being and rolled over onto her side. She lay there staring at the wall fighting back tears.

She shouldn't have tears. She couldn't remember the last time she'd cried. She had stopped feeling when she turned eleven and now, after last night, she had allowed herself emotion. To feel, to live, to be. It was somehow not enough and right now all she wanted was for someone to rip her heart out and leave her lying there just to bleed.

There was something comforting about blood. It made her feel so much more real. It made her realize that she was real. That she could feel. That in reality they were all so close to the edge that sometimes struggle was just pointless. Useless, just like everything one could accomplish in a lifetime. She watched the torch on the side of the door flicker and dance. The flames seemed to claw at the air like a tortured soul. For a moment Lily felt inexplicable drawn to them.

A single tear rolled down her cheek and feel on to the pillow, leaving a tiny perfect circle of damp cloth. Lily stared at it. Feeling slightly betrayed by it. It was a sign of weakness. But then again so were all the scars on her arm. Both the ones Petunia and Vernon had made and the ones that she had made herself as a result. She tore her eyes from the tearstain on the pillow and returned her gaze to the door.

James had left her early this morning, claiming that he needed to check on his friends. The Marauders. Of all the people around Hogwarts to notice her, and they would have been the last people she would have guessed would have noticed her. Sure, she knew they were at least bright. How else could they do so well in all their classes. But she never thought they could become animagi.

Well, no, not all of them. She had figured out Remus' little secret in her second year. He knew all the questions about werewolves in Defense Against the Dark Arts. That had caught Lily's eye and so she watched and sure enough he had been missing during the full moon. Besides darkness is drawn to darkness…

Lily turned over and glared at the ceiling some more, figuring it was just as useful as glaring at the far wall. Some how it seemed closer, more pressing. She should be dead. That's all she kept thinking. She should be dead! She didn't disserve to live what in the world prompted her to make that deal! She looked around her. Madam Pomfrey was so busy with another boy down further that had been brought in at about dawn that morning.

So Lily gently pushed the covers back off her and gently put her foot down. She mentaly recoiled at the cold stone against her feet. Her toes curled and she withdrew for a moment before realizing how stupid she was being. She was feeling again. Damn last night! Damn everything that had happened! Damn everything she had said! She was vulnerable again. It wasn't fair. She had finally stopped feeling nothing could have hurt her. She had finally been beyond emotion. She had been better then that, but here she was. Back at square one.

With that Lily got up, forcing herself not to think about how cold it was, especial for being only September second. Silently Lily made her way to the door and glided soundlessly over to the side of the hall and melted into the shadows. She was that nameless Gryffindor again. And somehow she felt more like her emotionless self just at the thought.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

James sat in History of Magic waiting for Sirius to finishing writing a reply to the not he had passed him. Of all the things to start the fourth year off with… But when he stopped and thought about it, the year hadn't started with History of Magic. It had started with going out with his friends illegally, having the fact that they were illegal animagi discovered, and running into a suicidal girl. Now that was the way to start the fourth year off.
His thoughts did drift back to Lily. He still didn't know her last name but he would figured out. And when a Marauder set their mind to something, then it would get done. And he would find out her story. That would be slightly trickier. That only she could do and he was positive that she wasn't read to share that information with him yet if he had been so worried about just her name. But James was intrigued, and Lily's first lesson of the year was going to be never catch the eye of a Marauder.
But James could be tactful and if anybody could save her it was him and his friends. James looked down at the diagonal crosses of slightly darker tinted skin on the inside of his forearm. Yeah, they definitely would know where she was coming from.
Well Everybody I know it's a short chapter but the last one was pretty long so uh yeah… And I'll try to make the next one longer I just needed a filler chapter. Ever fic has to have at least one of those! smirks Plus if I get to fifteen chapters I have a story that is in progress and another bonus material. The other story is called Mood Ring. It's an L/J humor fic. And the other is I'm Gonna Fly: Bloopers and Outtakes. It's just funny little stuff I do it for all my friend's stories so I figured I should do it for my own. I'll post another chapter when I get 10 reviews.

Lamina Court—Anytime! They're all fourteen right now though I'm gonna give Sirius and James birthdays before christmas.

Samantha Riddle—Thank you.

Neila Nuruodo the Chiss—Maybe…but it's not over yet…not by a long shot.

EuGIeBeAr—I know! Neither can I!

Young Golden Unicorn—Ok. Will do.

CrazieBabieMeg—Thanx. Talk to ya's.

Alriadne—And you are truly a great reviewer!

kitty—There I added the bit where she is thinking about the werewolf thing just for you!

everblue3—thanx! A new reviewer and loads of constructive cristicism! Does life get any better?

River Goddess—Yeah that's always a plus…

starborn—Maybe your right…lol