Title: Harbor Lights.
Author: Andréa
E-mail: deiab_x@hotmail.com send me a feed if you feel like it. I'll be glad to read it. And you can always review too (",)
Rating: PG-13
Category: M/S Romance.
Summary: Somewhere along the way, Martin and Sam fall in love.
Spoiler: Second season, though no episodes will be mentioned here.
Disclaimer: None of them are mine… surprised?
Author's note: First I need to say English is not my first spoken language, sorry the grammar mistakes and all, unfortunately I don't have a beta reader to right the wrongs in here, I tried to do my best... It is not going to take long to Sam and Martin get together, I'm just feeling like doing some romance… they getting together, dating and all this stuff. (Haha, never saw myself as a romantic person)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The first time it occurred to her it was very strange, especially because she never thought it could happen, not with him. Sure she had an affair with her boss - but it was over now - and after that anything could happen, but still, it was a bit surprising and even more surprising was how strong it happened. Never in her entire life she had felt something as strongly as she did that single moment, not even with Jack, who, she thought she loved. Well, she loved him indeed, but she was certainly not IN love with, maybe so at first, when they started seeing each other, but not now, what made things completely different and changed everything, to be in love.
So she knew she had never truly fallen in love.
That fateful night Samantha Spade was sitting at the conference table going over some papers, studying the latest case until very late, when no one was at that unit anymore. Or that was what she thought. She was so concentrated on the papers in front of her she didn't notice that someone had entered the room and was standing beside her until this someone put a cup of warm coffee on the table right in front of her making her look up, startled. This made her eyes meet Martin's and a concerned smiled on his lips.
"I thought no one was here anymore." Sam said, happily accepting the coffee and a reason to take her attention away from the task at hand for a while. And the company of course.
"I had some reports to finish and wanted to do it once and for all, so I stayed more. I was leaving then I saw you here so concentrated on what you were doing that I thought some coffee would come in hand." Martin said softly taking that seat next to her.
"Thanks." Samantha said as she smiled. "It really did." She took a sip of her coffee and sighed deeply its fume.
"You're welcome." He replied and leaned in to look at the papers she was reading before. "Is there something I can help with?"
Sam put her mug down back on the table and looked at the papers, sighing sadly as she shook her head. "I don't think so. Jack asked me to run over this and something caught my attention, but I can't quite put my finger on it. I know there's something here my mind is catching but my eyes are not following."
"Why don't you go home and rest? Maybe after some sleep you'd be able to put your finger on it." He smiled echoing her own joke. "Tired you're not going anywhere." He said and this time his voice sounded more concerned.
She looked up from the papers to face him and was caught by surprise at how close he was, at how close they were. She could smell his cologne mixed slightly with his own scent and this made her giddy not because it was smelly but on the contrary, it was very, very good and welcoming. Concentrate on breathing his scent, she didn't answered him, nor said anything back to his last comment, too caught up at the moment to let it go, so she stayed there, just looking at him as he did the same, his own breath caught in his throat, his lungs insisting on not working and he felt himself leaning in as she did the same.
Their eyes were strongly locked and Sam suddenly felt a shiver run down her body with the anticipation of what was coming when Martin' s tongue darted out to wet his lips, making this little move seem a lot more inviting than he intended to, though the act was made unconsciously. Sam moved her eyes away from his for a brief moment to stare at his lips as he wetted them and she felt the urge to just do that for him. To take his tongue into her mouth and wet his lips with hers. And a shiver ran down through her body again.
He wanted to say something, she thought, because his lips moved slightly but the words never came out and the only explication she could muster was that his brain was as numb as hers and probably frozen too, just sending the stimulation to make the adrenaline run widely as thought she was in some kind of danger, making you feel the fear, but this time it was the anticipation.
They were almost there, lips almost touching, eyes almost completely close, when she had the stupidest idea she could have ever had: she turned to face him fully and as she did it she dashed the cup of coffee with her left hand in the process splashing it all over the table, braking whatever spell they were under.
Startled by what happened - both the almost kiss and the coffee thing - she jumped from the chair grabbing all the papers she could from the wet table, trying to save them from the coffee deluge as she cursed a "damn it!" under her breath, using it as an excuse to get away from Martin and whatever humiliating situation that could come after.
"Here, I got it." Martin said as he helped Sam to gather the papers and get them away from the table and handing them to her, making - of course- their hands brush slightly in the process and sanding yet another shiver down her body, another sparkle.
"Thanks." She mumbled under her breath as she struggled with herself to take her coat out of the back of the chair and put it on with her purse and papers in her hands as she walked to the elevator, avoiding him as best as she could.
All she wanted right now was the get as far away from him as possible.
~~~~*~~~~
She couldn't sleep. Just that, simple as that.
Whenever she closed her eyes the images of Martin so close to her, his lips so close to hers would pop up into her mind and she wouldn't be able to sleep anymore. The feelings were still too real, even hours after what happened. She still could smell him, feel his warm breath against her lips and she, unconsciously, brought one hand up and touched her lips with two fingers, as tough they had been really touched by Martin's lips.
'What the hell is that??' She said mentally, or better, she screamed mentally, the words echoing inside her head. 'What's all that?' Her mind whispered this time, not wanting to wake her mouth because she was not feeling like having a discussion between her head and mouth - her brain and heart. She knew very well how that ended, someone always got hurt in the end. It was just a moment they had there. Just that. But why couldn't she stop thinking about him? And anyway, she was just feeling fragile, weak, depressed because the case and the only thing that happens when your walls are down is exactly the thing you don't want to happen.
But whoever said Samantha didn't want them to kiss?
She sighed loudly and got out of bed, she knew wouldn't sleep anymore as hard as she tried to, so she went to the living room and turned the tv on. Maybe she could take her mind away from Martin for a while.
~~~~*~~~~
Next morning Sam woke up with the incessant sound of the ring of the telephone and opening her eyes slowly she found herself laid on the couch, the tv buzzing without any image on the screen. She brought her hand to the coffee table and reached the cordless phone, till startled and feeling a little out of place. Maybe because when she finally got to sleep it had happened on the couch and her dreams were full of Martin.
Shaking the thoughts of the dream out of her head, she brought the phone to her ear and answered it. "Hello?" She said, her voice sounding sleepy.
"Sam, we've got a situation." Jack said, his voice low and she barely could hear it behind all the other voices and the police sirens plus all the other loud noises on the background and she believed he was already at the site of the crime.
As she got up and walked to her room to change, she asked, "What happened?" She felt a chill run down her body and froze, the hand on the closet knob glued to it as the jolt of dread ran through the bones of her spine following the previous chill. She knew what was coming from the way Jack's voice sounded and she prayed, knowing it'd be in vain, for god to change whatever Jack was going to say, to give them a little more time.
"We found Kathleen." He said, his voice sounding pitiful and lamentable. She knew that in cases like this it was impossible to be impersonal especially for Sam, who was very emotional, and couldn't help but get too involved in the cases. "She's dead." He sighed sadly. "She was stabbed and possibly raped by her neighbor. A witness saw him taking the body out of the house and called the cops."
Sam fought back the tears as hard as she could but they were just too much and her eyes were hurting and stinging and she could do nothing but let them fall. If she turned just a bit and looked at the mirror she would see a ghostly Samantha, she knew that and it was part of why she didn't move and other reason was that she couldn't. Her entire body was froze and numb including her mouth because she didn't say anything back at Jack, making him speak again.
"I'm sorry." He said for the lack of better words, if there were better words, and he just couldn't think of any other better thing to say, so he waited her response.
"We can't always win." She tried to keep her voice steady, really tried, but failed miserably; she knew that when Jack's next word came, hell she had heard her own vice creaking and noticed the teary sound.
"Sam…" He started wanting to comfort her somehow.
"I've got to go." She cut him off, not wanting to hear his lames attempts to comfort her and not wanting him to know how bad she felt, how miserable and useless she felt that moment, so she just hung up before he could say anything else.
She threw the telephone on the bed and as if her body was made from that same stuff cloth dolls were made of, she sank in the floor, her back sliding along the cold and hard wall as she let the tears drop freely. She should be impersonal, damn it! She was Samantha Spade for God's sake! She shouldn't be so emotive about this case, but how could she stop this? How could she, if because of a 13 year old girl, she had been so emotive?
She brought her knees to her chest and tried not to think about the 5 years old little girl who had been cold murdered by someone she and her family trusted. 5 years old. How could someone rape and kill a little girl? How someone have the courage? She couldn't stop thinking about the picture of the girl, a blond little girl with two high pig tales, smiling happily at the camera, holding a blue butterfly in her left open hand, as if she had discovered the seventh wonder of the world. Sam couldn't stop thinking about how much pain the girl must have suffered, how scared she must have been, and how useless Sam was for not being able to help her.
If they had just a little more time… They were so close.
She hated when the cases ended like that, the victim murdered or not found again. 'We can't always win' Sam heard her own words echoing in her head, wishing - not for the first and obviously not for the last time - she was wrong, that they could always win, they could always find the victim and deliver them safely to their parents or relatives and go home knowing you did the right thing, you helped someone who needed your help and you were able to do it. But this didn't happen nevertheless. And the hardest part was to tell the family they had found the missing person dead. To keep a straight face and be impersonal and not emotive when, inside you were falling apart, crying your heart out and suffering just like the family. Not suffering for the same reasons, suffering because you couldn't safe them, for seeing how bad the world was, for seeing how much pain that family was feeling because you wasn't able to help them. Then you felt useless.
Samantha forced herself to stop crying and as the tears stopped falling she wiped them away from her wet face and sighed deeply before getting up and opening her closet. She had things to do now, reports to fill, a job to do and her emotions could be left aside. She had to go to the FBI and do what she hated most: tell the family the case was closed.
~~~~*~~~~
"I hate this." She murmured to herself as her hands worked on small circles massaging her head on both sides, the headache that had started a couple hours ago was kicking her ass now.
She had spoken with Jamie and Robert Russell, Kathleen's parents, what was somewhat hard. She wasn't able to stop the couple of tears that dropped from her eyes when Jamie Russell broke down after hearing her only child was dead and Sam had to leave the room, nothing being able to hold herself together anymore and not wanting anyone to see it.
"You did a good job." Martin said softly as he stepped in front of her desk.
"I didn't." She replied without looking up from her report papers, knowing very well who was the owner of the voice was. Always caring and concerned. She hadn't seen him since she arrived and concerned with the case she hadn't thought about him until then, when that scent of his reached her nostrils, making all the memories of the previously day come rushing to her head, sending delicious shivers down her body, what she dismissed quickly with a shake of her head.
"Sam…"
"If I had," she cut him off, her voice dangerously threatening to break, as she got up to stay at eye level with him, this time looking in his eyes but regretting it when the butterflies decided that was a good time to start flying and looked down, thinking that maybe they would stop their wild flight and focused on her words and on keeping her voice steady. "If I had than the girl would be alive." She muttered as if she was speaking to more herself than to anyone else, as if she was trying to believe that.
"Sam, don't do this." His voice was firm and slightly, just slightly harsh. "Don't blame yourself. You know as well as any of us that we can't save everyone. For as much as we want it and we try it, we can't save them all." The last words came out softly and somehow strangely soothing.
She kept her eyes down, not daring to look at him and see his eyes, afraid of what she could see there and she didn't want him to see how fragile she felt that moment, nor the way her eyes were beginning to shine with tears. She tried to blink them away, keep her cool, to stay focused on blaming herself, on saying how much useless she had been, that because she didn't work hard enough a child was dead. Suddenly, before she could stop herself, a sob escaped her lips. She prayed Martin hadn't heard it, but she knew he had and ashamed she brought both hands to her face, covering it. "Oh God" she whispered.
All Martin wanted was to put his arms around her and make it all go away, make her understand it wasn't her fault, that there wasn't anything she could have done, but somehow he couldn't say the words, couldn't get them out nor embrace her like he wanted, so he just put a soft hand on her shoulder. "Sam…"
"Don't" she stepped away from him, from his touch, the warm sensation it caused - not too much, just enough to get his hand off of her - and crossed her arms on a defensive position, a way to disguise her vulnerability.
"Samantha, stop it, ok?" He scolded and put a hand on her shoulder again and squeezed it softly. The tears that had fallen from her eyes while she was covering her face with her hands wetted her cheeks and made her eyes redden. He knew how much she hated to look weak and how much she probably was cursing herself for crying in front of someone and how ashamed she felt, he was sure of that seeing how hard she was trying to avoid his eyes. "Let's get out of here." He said already pulling her. "It's lunch time. I'll take you somewhere and if you want to talk, we'll talk but if you don't want to then we'll just eat." He smiled ensuring her, searching for her eyes. "Ok?"
Samantha sighed deeply and nodded, then trying not to stay too far away from his warm touch - a thought completely different from the previously one - she grabbed her jacket from behind the chair and put it on.
Martin's hand had been away while she did it and as soon as her jacket was on his hand went back to her body, but on her back between her shoulder blades instead and Sam felt as thought she had just been burnt and if it wasn't for that feeling being good she would have probably jerked away with the impact of his touch, but she knew better and stayed cool, letting that warmth travel through her whole body, making the butterflies in her stomach wake up and fly again. She let him guide her out of the building while her mind - which usually was the boss - screaming to her to get away, but hey, bosses were always a pain in the ass, right?
~~~~*~~~~
The drive was silent, no words were spoken from both sides since they left the Bureau and it seemed no one would speak anytime soon, making a quiet spell fell upon them - what was kind of strange for two people who talked a lot - but the silence wasn't discomfort, not at all, on the contrary, it was welcoming and comfy, even more to Samantha because this way she could just savor on the company beside her, her mind completely focused on him and his features. She would get entranced staring at his biceps as he changed the gears or as he turned a corner, making his arms twist and his muscle be more visible under his folded up to the elbow sleeve, he had taken off his coat and folded up his white shirtsleeve. She could look at his face and see how concentrated he would get looking out at the road, and thought if he was this concentrated when doing others things. She looked away quickly before it got too suspicious as she flushed furiously with the thought that had just came to her mind.
And she couldn't do any of this if they were talking.
Finally the drive came to a stop as Martin pulled up on a curb in front of a small restaurant he obviously knew. It seemed nice from outside and if he had brought her here so the place was probably be nice in the inside too.
"You coming, Spade?" she looked up puzzled to the driver's side and was surprised to find it empty and even more surprised to see Martin outside her window, when she looked around for him.
When she assured him with a smile as she got out, it was more to herself at how silly she was being. "Gee, never saw you leaving."
Martin grinned playfully at her. "I noticed." He said then, his playfully voice matching his grin.
Sam rolled her eyes and tried hard not to smile but it was impossible by seeing his childish behavior and how he was enjoying her company - she could tell, she could feel it - and bugging her, he always enjoyed bugging her and soon she felt the corners of her mouth turning up followed by a silly smile. She was feeling weirdly happy.
"What's that?" He said faking surprised as his hand came up, a finger pointing to her mouth.
"Stop it." She said seriously, or tried because the smile didn't leave her face and slapped his finger away. She heard Martin chuckling silently as they walked the short path to the restaurant door. "Stop it." She repeated.
"I didn't do anything." He tried to defense himself, but not really wanting to show his point, what mattered at the moment was to cheer her up. He opened the door and let her enter first them followed Samantha inside.
"Moron." He heard her saying as they walked to the balcony and he could hear her own chuckle in her voice too.
"I heard that." He pretended to be hurt what seemed even more faked since a smile was playing on his lips.
"I said it out loud."
He looked at her in disbelief. "I'm hurt." He tried to sound chocked and could see her thinking on an answer, what was pretty quick and he actually feared what she was going to say but her was saved when a waitress came up to them.
"Two?"
"What?" Martin as ked as both him and Sam looked at the girl. Neither of them had seen her approaching and were startled when she spoke.
"Table for two?" She asked again, her eyes going from Martin to Sam and back to Martin.
"Oh yeah, two." He said and shrugged as he looked at Sam.
The girl smiled and turned around. "Follow me." She said and brought Sam and Martin to a table beside a window then gave a menu to each of them and left.
Sam sat across from Martin and opened her menu. She started reading through it but soon her attention was focused on scanning the place she was in, looking around the small, though very comfy, restaurant. The lights were dim in there and a soft melody was playing in the background, making it seems as thought they were having dinner late at night somewhere fancy and she felt the weird sensation they were having a date, what actually was true, but… but it wasn't REALLY a date, they were just hanging out and… her head started screaming for her to get out of here, but she didn't want to obey, she wouldn't, she was having a good time and enjoying the company.
"Sam?" Martin's voice brought her back to reality and she looked at his worried face. "You ok?"
She smiled to herself and at him. She felt so at easy with him, she forgot everything when he was with her. Hell, she forgot her own name just by looking at his smile, so what was the problem if they were having a date? And depending on how things went, she decided, she would ask him out, for real this time. "I'm great." She said smiling. "I'm great."
~~~~*~~~~
"Thanks." Sam said as Martin parked the car in an empty space at the FBI parking lot.
Martin turned the engine off and turned to look at her. "For what?"
She shrugged and suddenly her nails were an interesting spot to look at. "For everything." She sighed and looked up again at his piercing eyes, which were searching desperately for hers. "You know, I didn't think about the case one single moment while we were lunching." She said, her voice so small and helpless that it almost broke him and he only could imagine how much broken herself was feeling. He couldn't stop himself as his hand made its way to her shoulder and squeezed it softly.
It was true. She hadn't thought about Kathleen once since she had first entered the car. She was so focused on thinking and staring at him that she hadn't the time for sad thoughts. And she just realized that, that was what Martin was, happiness. Happy thoughts, good feelings, warm sensations, it was all she felt when she was with him, he made her forget about all the craziness and the badness of the world out there, and as he touched her again, all the things she had felt when he had touched her before, she felt again. Her stomach twisted with nervousness and she felt fire where his hand was - she was feeling like he was her first crush - and she caught herself staring at his lips, wondering if his kiss would make her feel the way his touches made, or if it was better.
He tilted his head slightly to the side and smiled that kind of boyish smile, as if asking her if she was all right at the same time he made sure she was, all the while his hand running up and down her upper arm softly. She believed he was waiting for an answer so she smiled back, hoping it was enough and when she looked at his face and bright eyes she knew it was and noticed his face softening - if it was possible it could be more soft than already was - when he made sure she was fine, his eyes turning from light black to their greenly blue and his smile turning to a relieved grin.
'Oh God, I love him' she thought dreamily unaware of it as she looked in his eyes, watching every change in his features and all of a sudden the words she thought finally sank in and registered, the smile she had on her face faded into a fall of jaw as it fell open and her eyes opened wide, her breath became heavier. "I gotta go." She rushed the words out while opening the door and getting out, away from him and from his touch.
"Sam, what's wrong?" She heard him shouting.
"Nothing." She yelled back. "I'm fine." And hurried to the elevators hoping she could get into one of them before Martin could caught up with her.
~~~~*~~~~
How did this happen? How could it possibly happen? Samantha replied these words in her head over and over as she headed to her desk and sat heavily in her chair after taking her jacket off and put it on the back of the chair. Martin hadn't followed her and part of her already shaken heart saddened because of it, this particular part wanted him to run after her, grab her and kiss her like no one have never done before and the other part was glad he didn't. all she wanted right now was to be alone for a while.
'How did this happen?' Sam wondered again and hit her forehead on the flat surface of the table with a loud thud just when Danny was passing by.
"You ok?" He asked gently and curiously.
Sam looked up to meet his gaze, curious and questioning, totally different from Martin's, she couldn't help noticing. Martin's gazes were always full of worry and concern and she couldn't stop noticing the caring inside of them, one of the things she loved about him. She groaned loudly realizing what she had thought and focused again on Danny and mumbled a "just fine" before he could ask again.
"You sure?"
"I'm sure." Sam said a bit harsher than she wanted, almost cutting him off and gave him a subtle glare, a warning saying 'ask again and you're dead.' Danny shrugged and left, knowing that there was nothing more e could do, that made Sam roll her eyes before hitting her forehead on the table again.
'What's the damn problem??' she heard the little voice inside her head asking. 'What's the problem if it's Martin? Isn't better than someone else? Someone MARRIED?' She could here the sneer in her conscience's voice, could your conscience sneer? She asked herself and believed so because she could feel the mocking and it was true anyway, why couldn't it be Martin? He was wonderful, he was always kind and soft and gentle. Was always trying to cheer her up to make her believe everything would be all right. Was always ready to help her through some difficult situation, was always there for her. So why couldn't it be him?
When the 'ding' of the elevator made Sam look up, she saw Martin entering the bullpen, just by the sight of him her belly started twisting and butterflies began to fly. She noticed Martin searching the room and she thought he was looking for her and was right, she knew that when their eyes met for a brief moment, making her blush slightly, not knowing why. But one thing she knew for sure, the signs were all there, the butterflies, the fire, the shivers and the flushing.
She was in love with him, she was sure of that as she watched him walk to his own desk, a smile playing on her lips.
She loved him and she was happy for that.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
End of chapter one. I know I said it wouldn't have mentions of any episodes here, but it did and I don't remember the name of it, the one that 13 year old girl was kidnapped by the weird man with glasses. ::shrug:: I don't remember really...
Author: Andréa
E-mail: deiab_x@hotmail.com send me a feed if you feel like it. I'll be glad to read it. And you can always review too (",)
Rating: PG-13
Category: M/S Romance.
Summary: Somewhere along the way, Martin and Sam fall in love.
Spoiler: Second season, though no episodes will be mentioned here.
Disclaimer: None of them are mine… surprised?
Author's note: First I need to say English is not my first spoken language, sorry the grammar mistakes and all, unfortunately I don't have a beta reader to right the wrongs in here, I tried to do my best... It is not going to take long to Sam and Martin get together, I'm just feeling like doing some romance… they getting together, dating and all this stuff. (Haha, never saw myself as a romantic person)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The first time it occurred to her it was very strange, especially because she never thought it could happen, not with him. Sure she had an affair with her boss - but it was over now - and after that anything could happen, but still, it was a bit surprising and even more surprising was how strong it happened. Never in her entire life she had felt something as strongly as she did that single moment, not even with Jack, who, she thought she loved. Well, she loved him indeed, but she was certainly not IN love with, maybe so at first, when they started seeing each other, but not now, what made things completely different and changed everything, to be in love.
So she knew she had never truly fallen in love.
That fateful night Samantha Spade was sitting at the conference table going over some papers, studying the latest case until very late, when no one was at that unit anymore. Or that was what she thought. She was so concentrated on the papers in front of her she didn't notice that someone had entered the room and was standing beside her until this someone put a cup of warm coffee on the table right in front of her making her look up, startled. This made her eyes meet Martin's and a concerned smiled on his lips.
"I thought no one was here anymore." Sam said, happily accepting the coffee and a reason to take her attention away from the task at hand for a while. And the company of course.
"I had some reports to finish and wanted to do it once and for all, so I stayed more. I was leaving then I saw you here so concentrated on what you were doing that I thought some coffee would come in hand." Martin said softly taking that seat next to her.
"Thanks." Samantha said as she smiled. "It really did." She took a sip of her coffee and sighed deeply its fume.
"You're welcome." He replied and leaned in to look at the papers she was reading before. "Is there something I can help with?"
Sam put her mug down back on the table and looked at the papers, sighing sadly as she shook her head. "I don't think so. Jack asked me to run over this and something caught my attention, but I can't quite put my finger on it. I know there's something here my mind is catching but my eyes are not following."
"Why don't you go home and rest? Maybe after some sleep you'd be able to put your finger on it." He smiled echoing her own joke. "Tired you're not going anywhere." He said and this time his voice sounded more concerned.
She looked up from the papers to face him and was caught by surprise at how close he was, at how close they were. She could smell his cologne mixed slightly with his own scent and this made her giddy not because it was smelly but on the contrary, it was very, very good and welcoming. Concentrate on breathing his scent, she didn't answered him, nor said anything back to his last comment, too caught up at the moment to let it go, so she stayed there, just looking at him as he did the same, his own breath caught in his throat, his lungs insisting on not working and he felt himself leaning in as she did the same.
Their eyes were strongly locked and Sam suddenly felt a shiver run down her body with the anticipation of what was coming when Martin' s tongue darted out to wet his lips, making this little move seem a lot more inviting than he intended to, though the act was made unconsciously. Sam moved her eyes away from his for a brief moment to stare at his lips as he wetted them and she felt the urge to just do that for him. To take his tongue into her mouth and wet his lips with hers. And a shiver ran down through her body again.
He wanted to say something, she thought, because his lips moved slightly but the words never came out and the only explication she could muster was that his brain was as numb as hers and probably frozen too, just sending the stimulation to make the adrenaline run widely as thought she was in some kind of danger, making you feel the fear, but this time it was the anticipation.
They were almost there, lips almost touching, eyes almost completely close, when she had the stupidest idea she could have ever had: she turned to face him fully and as she did it she dashed the cup of coffee with her left hand in the process splashing it all over the table, braking whatever spell they were under.
Startled by what happened - both the almost kiss and the coffee thing - she jumped from the chair grabbing all the papers she could from the wet table, trying to save them from the coffee deluge as she cursed a "damn it!" under her breath, using it as an excuse to get away from Martin and whatever humiliating situation that could come after.
"Here, I got it." Martin said as he helped Sam to gather the papers and get them away from the table and handing them to her, making - of course- their hands brush slightly in the process and sanding yet another shiver down her body, another sparkle.
"Thanks." She mumbled under her breath as she struggled with herself to take her coat out of the back of the chair and put it on with her purse and papers in her hands as she walked to the elevator, avoiding him as best as she could.
All she wanted right now was the get as far away from him as possible.
~~~~*~~~~
She couldn't sleep. Just that, simple as that.
Whenever she closed her eyes the images of Martin so close to her, his lips so close to hers would pop up into her mind and she wouldn't be able to sleep anymore. The feelings were still too real, even hours after what happened. She still could smell him, feel his warm breath against her lips and she, unconsciously, brought one hand up and touched her lips with two fingers, as tough they had been really touched by Martin's lips.
'What the hell is that??' She said mentally, or better, she screamed mentally, the words echoing inside her head. 'What's all that?' Her mind whispered this time, not wanting to wake her mouth because she was not feeling like having a discussion between her head and mouth - her brain and heart. She knew very well how that ended, someone always got hurt in the end. It was just a moment they had there. Just that. But why couldn't she stop thinking about him? And anyway, she was just feeling fragile, weak, depressed because the case and the only thing that happens when your walls are down is exactly the thing you don't want to happen.
But whoever said Samantha didn't want them to kiss?
She sighed loudly and got out of bed, she knew wouldn't sleep anymore as hard as she tried to, so she went to the living room and turned the tv on. Maybe she could take her mind away from Martin for a while.
~~~~*~~~~
Next morning Sam woke up with the incessant sound of the ring of the telephone and opening her eyes slowly she found herself laid on the couch, the tv buzzing without any image on the screen. She brought her hand to the coffee table and reached the cordless phone, till startled and feeling a little out of place. Maybe because when she finally got to sleep it had happened on the couch and her dreams were full of Martin.
Shaking the thoughts of the dream out of her head, she brought the phone to her ear and answered it. "Hello?" She said, her voice sounding sleepy.
"Sam, we've got a situation." Jack said, his voice low and she barely could hear it behind all the other voices and the police sirens plus all the other loud noises on the background and she believed he was already at the site of the crime.
As she got up and walked to her room to change, she asked, "What happened?" She felt a chill run down her body and froze, the hand on the closet knob glued to it as the jolt of dread ran through the bones of her spine following the previous chill. She knew what was coming from the way Jack's voice sounded and she prayed, knowing it'd be in vain, for god to change whatever Jack was going to say, to give them a little more time.
"We found Kathleen." He said, his voice sounding pitiful and lamentable. She knew that in cases like this it was impossible to be impersonal especially for Sam, who was very emotional, and couldn't help but get too involved in the cases. "She's dead." He sighed sadly. "She was stabbed and possibly raped by her neighbor. A witness saw him taking the body out of the house and called the cops."
Sam fought back the tears as hard as she could but they were just too much and her eyes were hurting and stinging and she could do nothing but let them fall. If she turned just a bit and looked at the mirror she would see a ghostly Samantha, she knew that and it was part of why she didn't move and other reason was that she couldn't. Her entire body was froze and numb including her mouth because she didn't say anything back at Jack, making him speak again.
"I'm sorry." He said for the lack of better words, if there were better words, and he just couldn't think of any other better thing to say, so he waited her response.
"We can't always win." She tried to keep her voice steady, really tried, but failed miserably; she knew that when Jack's next word came, hell she had heard her own vice creaking and noticed the teary sound.
"Sam…" He started wanting to comfort her somehow.
"I've got to go." She cut him off, not wanting to hear his lames attempts to comfort her and not wanting him to know how bad she felt, how miserable and useless she felt that moment, so she just hung up before he could say anything else.
She threw the telephone on the bed and as if her body was made from that same stuff cloth dolls were made of, she sank in the floor, her back sliding along the cold and hard wall as she let the tears drop freely. She should be impersonal, damn it! She was Samantha Spade for God's sake! She shouldn't be so emotive about this case, but how could she stop this? How could she, if because of a 13 year old girl, she had been so emotive?
She brought her knees to her chest and tried not to think about the 5 years old little girl who had been cold murdered by someone she and her family trusted. 5 years old. How could someone rape and kill a little girl? How someone have the courage? She couldn't stop thinking about the picture of the girl, a blond little girl with two high pig tales, smiling happily at the camera, holding a blue butterfly in her left open hand, as if she had discovered the seventh wonder of the world. Sam couldn't stop thinking about how much pain the girl must have suffered, how scared she must have been, and how useless Sam was for not being able to help her.
If they had just a little more time… They were so close.
She hated when the cases ended like that, the victim murdered or not found again. 'We can't always win' Sam heard her own words echoing in her head, wishing - not for the first and obviously not for the last time - she was wrong, that they could always win, they could always find the victim and deliver them safely to their parents or relatives and go home knowing you did the right thing, you helped someone who needed your help and you were able to do it. But this didn't happen nevertheless. And the hardest part was to tell the family they had found the missing person dead. To keep a straight face and be impersonal and not emotive when, inside you were falling apart, crying your heart out and suffering just like the family. Not suffering for the same reasons, suffering because you couldn't safe them, for seeing how bad the world was, for seeing how much pain that family was feeling because you wasn't able to help them. Then you felt useless.
Samantha forced herself to stop crying and as the tears stopped falling she wiped them away from her wet face and sighed deeply before getting up and opening her closet. She had things to do now, reports to fill, a job to do and her emotions could be left aside. She had to go to the FBI and do what she hated most: tell the family the case was closed.
~~~~*~~~~
"I hate this." She murmured to herself as her hands worked on small circles massaging her head on both sides, the headache that had started a couple hours ago was kicking her ass now.
She had spoken with Jamie and Robert Russell, Kathleen's parents, what was somewhat hard. She wasn't able to stop the couple of tears that dropped from her eyes when Jamie Russell broke down after hearing her only child was dead and Sam had to leave the room, nothing being able to hold herself together anymore and not wanting anyone to see it.
"You did a good job." Martin said softly as he stepped in front of her desk.
"I didn't." She replied without looking up from her report papers, knowing very well who was the owner of the voice was. Always caring and concerned. She hadn't seen him since she arrived and concerned with the case she hadn't thought about him until then, when that scent of his reached her nostrils, making all the memories of the previously day come rushing to her head, sending delicious shivers down her body, what she dismissed quickly with a shake of her head.
"Sam…"
"If I had," she cut him off, her voice dangerously threatening to break, as she got up to stay at eye level with him, this time looking in his eyes but regretting it when the butterflies decided that was a good time to start flying and looked down, thinking that maybe they would stop their wild flight and focused on her words and on keeping her voice steady. "If I had than the girl would be alive." She muttered as if she was speaking to more herself than to anyone else, as if she was trying to believe that.
"Sam, don't do this." His voice was firm and slightly, just slightly harsh. "Don't blame yourself. You know as well as any of us that we can't save everyone. For as much as we want it and we try it, we can't save them all." The last words came out softly and somehow strangely soothing.
She kept her eyes down, not daring to look at him and see his eyes, afraid of what she could see there and she didn't want him to see how fragile she felt that moment, nor the way her eyes were beginning to shine with tears. She tried to blink them away, keep her cool, to stay focused on blaming herself, on saying how much useless she had been, that because she didn't work hard enough a child was dead. Suddenly, before she could stop herself, a sob escaped her lips. She prayed Martin hadn't heard it, but she knew he had and ashamed she brought both hands to her face, covering it. "Oh God" she whispered.
All Martin wanted was to put his arms around her and make it all go away, make her understand it wasn't her fault, that there wasn't anything she could have done, but somehow he couldn't say the words, couldn't get them out nor embrace her like he wanted, so he just put a soft hand on her shoulder. "Sam…"
"Don't" she stepped away from him, from his touch, the warm sensation it caused - not too much, just enough to get his hand off of her - and crossed her arms on a defensive position, a way to disguise her vulnerability.
"Samantha, stop it, ok?" He scolded and put a hand on her shoulder again and squeezed it softly. The tears that had fallen from her eyes while she was covering her face with her hands wetted her cheeks and made her eyes redden. He knew how much she hated to look weak and how much she probably was cursing herself for crying in front of someone and how ashamed she felt, he was sure of that seeing how hard she was trying to avoid his eyes. "Let's get out of here." He said already pulling her. "It's lunch time. I'll take you somewhere and if you want to talk, we'll talk but if you don't want to then we'll just eat." He smiled ensuring her, searching for her eyes. "Ok?"
Samantha sighed deeply and nodded, then trying not to stay too far away from his warm touch - a thought completely different from the previously one - she grabbed her jacket from behind the chair and put it on.
Martin's hand had been away while she did it and as soon as her jacket was on his hand went back to her body, but on her back between her shoulder blades instead and Sam felt as thought she had just been burnt and if it wasn't for that feeling being good she would have probably jerked away with the impact of his touch, but she knew better and stayed cool, letting that warmth travel through her whole body, making the butterflies in her stomach wake up and fly again. She let him guide her out of the building while her mind - which usually was the boss - screaming to her to get away, but hey, bosses were always a pain in the ass, right?
~~~~*~~~~
The drive was silent, no words were spoken from both sides since they left the Bureau and it seemed no one would speak anytime soon, making a quiet spell fell upon them - what was kind of strange for two people who talked a lot - but the silence wasn't discomfort, not at all, on the contrary, it was welcoming and comfy, even more to Samantha because this way she could just savor on the company beside her, her mind completely focused on him and his features. She would get entranced staring at his biceps as he changed the gears or as he turned a corner, making his arms twist and his muscle be more visible under his folded up to the elbow sleeve, he had taken off his coat and folded up his white shirtsleeve. She could look at his face and see how concentrated he would get looking out at the road, and thought if he was this concentrated when doing others things. She looked away quickly before it got too suspicious as she flushed furiously with the thought that had just came to her mind.
And she couldn't do any of this if they were talking.
Finally the drive came to a stop as Martin pulled up on a curb in front of a small restaurant he obviously knew. It seemed nice from outside and if he had brought her here so the place was probably be nice in the inside too.
"You coming, Spade?" she looked up puzzled to the driver's side and was surprised to find it empty and even more surprised to see Martin outside her window, when she looked around for him.
When she assured him with a smile as she got out, it was more to herself at how silly she was being. "Gee, never saw you leaving."
Martin grinned playfully at her. "I noticed." He said then, his playfully voice matching his grin.
Sam rolled her eyes and tried hard not to smile but it was impossible by seeing his childish behavior and how he was enjoying her company - she could tell, she could feel it - and bugging her, he always enjoyed bugging her and soon she felt the corners of her mouth turning up followed by a silly smile. She was feeling weirdly happy.
"What's that?" He said faking surprised as his hand came up, a finger pointing to her mouth.
"Stop it." She said seriously, or tried because the smile didn't leave her face and slapped his finger away. She heard Martin chuckling silently as they walked the short path to the restaurant door. "Stop it." She repeated.
"I didn't do anything." He tried to defense himself, but not really wanting to show his point, what mattered at the moment was to cheer her up. He opened the door and let her enter first them followed Samantha inside.
"Moron." He heard her saying as they walked to the balcony and he could hear her own chuckle in her voice too.
"I heard that." He pretended to be hurt what seemed even more faked since a smile was playing on his lips.
"I said it out loud."
He looked at her in disbelief. "I'm hurt." He tried to sound chocked and could see her thinking on an answer, what was pretty quick and he actually feared what she was going to say but her was saved when a waitress came up to them.
"Two?"
"What?" Martin as ked as both him and Sam looked at the girl. Neither of them had seen her approaching and were startled when she spoke.
"Table for two?" She asked again, her eyes going from Martin to Sam and back to Martin.
"Oh yeah, two." He said and shrugged as he looked at Sam.
The girl smiled and turned around. "Follow me." She said and brought Sam and Martin to a table beside a window then gave a menu to each of them and left.
Sam sat across from Martin and opened her menu. She started reading through it but soon her attention was focused on scanning the place she was in, looking around the small, though very comfy, restaurant. The lights were dim in there and a soft melody was playing in the background, making it seems as thought they were having dinner late at night somewhere fancy and she felt the weird sensation they were having a date, what actually was true, but… but it wasn't REALLY a date, they were just hanging out and… her head started screaming for her to get out of here, but she didn't want to obey, she wouldn't, she was having a good time and enjoying the company.
"Sam?" Martin's voice brought her back to reality and she looked at his worried face. "You ok?"
She smiled to herself and at him. She felt so at easy with him, she forgot everything when he was with her. Hell, she forgot her own name just by looking at his smile, so what was the problem if they were having a date? And depending on how things went, she decided, she would ask him out, for real this time. "I'm great." She said smiling. "I'm great."
~~~~*~~~~
"Thanks." Sam said as Martin parked the car in an empty space at the FBI parking lot.
Martin turned the engine off and turned to look at her. "For what?"
She shrugged and suddenly her nails were an interesting spot to look at. "For everything." She sighed and looked up again at his piercing eyes, which were searching desperately for hers. "You know, I didn't think about the case one single moment while we were lunching." She said, her voice so small and helpless that it almost broke him and he only could imagine how much broken herself was feeling. He couldn't stop himself as his hand made its way to her shoulder and squeezed it softly.
It was true. She hadn't thought about Kathleen once since she had first entered the car. She was so focused on thinking and staring at him that she hadn't the time for sad thoughts. And she just realized that, that was what Martin was, happiness. Happy thoughts, good feelings, warm sensations, it was all she felt when she was with him, he made her forget about all the craziness and the badness of the world out there, and as he touched her again, all the things she had felt when he had touched her before, she felt again. Her stomach twisted with nervousness and she felt fire where his hand was - she was feeling like he was her first crush - and she caught herself staring at his lips, wondering if his kiss would make her feel the way his touches made, or if it was better.
He tilted his head slightly to the side and smiled that kind of boyish smile, as if asking her if she was all right at the same time he made sure she was, all the while his hand running up and down her upper arm softly. She believed he was waiting for an answer so she smiled back, hoping it was enough and when she looked at his face and bright eyes she knew it was and noticed his face softening - if it was possible it could be more soft than already was - when he made sure she was fine, his eyes turning from light black to their greenly blue and his smile turning to a relieved grin.
'Oh God, I love him' she thought dreamily unaware of it as she looked in his eyes, watching every change in his features and all of a sudden the words she thought finally sank in and registered, the smile she had on her face faded into a fall of jaw as it fell open and her eyes opened wide, her breath became heavier. "I gotta go." She rushed the words out while opening the door and getting out, away from him and from his touch.
"Sam, what's wrong?" She heard him shouting.
"Nothing." She yelled back. "I'm fine." And hurried to the elevators hoping she could get into one of them before Martin could caught up with her.
~~~~*~~~~
How did this happen? How could it possibly happen? Samantha replied these words in her head over and over as she headed to her desk and sat heavily in her chair after taking her jacket off and put it on the back of the chair. Martin hadn't followed her and part of her already shaken heart saddened because of it, this particular part wanted him to run after her, grab her and kiss her like no one have never done before and the other part was glad he didn't. all she wanted right now was to be alone for a while.
'How did this happen?' Sam wondered again and hit her forehead on the flat surface of the table with a loud thud just when Danny was passing by.
"You ok?" He asked gently and curiously.
Sam looked up to meet his gaze, curious and questioning, totally different from Martin's, she couldn't help noticing. Martin's gazes were always full of worry and concern and she couldn't stop noticing the caring inside of them, one of the things she loved about him. She groaned loudly realizing what she had thought and focused again on Danny and mumbled a "just fine" before he could ask again.
"You sure?"
"I'm sure." Sam said a bit harsher than she wanted, almost cutting him off and gave him a subtle glare, a warning saying 'ask again and you're dead.' Danny shrugged and left, knowing that there was nothing more e could do, that made Sam roll her eyes before hitting her forehead on the table again.
'What's the damn problem??' she heard the little voice inside her head asking. 'What's the problem if it's Martin? Isn't better than someone else? Someone MARRIED?' She could here the sneer in her conscience's voice, could your conscience sneer? She asked herself and believed so because she could feel the mocking and it was true anyway, why couldn't it be Martin? He was wonderful, he was always kind and soft and gentle. Was always trying to cheer her up to make her believe everything would be all right. Was always ready to help her through some difficult situation, was always there for her. So why couldn't it be him?
When the 'ding' of the elevator made Sam look up, she saw Martin entering the bullpen, just by the sight of him her belly started twisting and butterflies began to fly. She noticed Martin searching the room and she thought he was looking for her and was right, she knew that when their eyes met for a brief moment, making her blush slightly, not knowing why. But one thing she knew for sure, the signs were all there, the butterflies, the fire, the shivers and the flushing.
She was in love with him, she was sure of that as she watched him walk to his own desk, a smile playing on her lips.
She loved him and she was happy for that.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
End of chapter one. I know I said it wouldn't have mentions of any episodes here, but it did and I don't remember the name of it, the one that 13 year old girl was kidnapped by the weird man with glasses. ::shrug:: I don't remember really...