by Jaded (opheliadrowning@hotmail.com)
Summary: Emotions running high and confusion reigning supreme, Jackie makes a decision about the status of her relationships.
Disclaimer: There once was a show on TV,
Whose characters did not belong to me,
I used them for the funny,
But from them got no money,
So to sue me would be tragedy.
A/N: This chapter takes place around the same time "What Is And Never Should Be/Heartbreaker" would have taken place in the real season 5.
Chapter Four: Safe At FirstShe hadn't wanted to stay at the mall, not without him. She had been upset at first, but now she was just severely pissed off. The thing was, she just wasn't sure if it was more at him or at herself, because standing in the aisle at Turntable Records, listing to The Blue Oyster Cult blaring on the overhead speakers, Jackie realized that she missed Steven Hyde.
Steven Hyde.
What the hell?
She wasn't supposed to miss him. Not like this, not with her heart aching and her throat dry. She'd allow herself to miss his kisses, the way he touched her, held her by the hip with his hands, but she wasn't supposed to miss just being near him or miss the way he looked at her that made her spine tingle and her pulse race. Those were dangerous feelings. Desire, lust—those were safer—they didn't border dangerously on actual feelings, crushes, or—she didn't dare think it—on love.
Fez walked by, his eyes trained on a Charlie's Angels poster on the wall on the other end of the store. She watched him walk by totally oblivious to what she was thinking or feeling. Her eyes followed him down the aisle and came to rest on someone rifling through a stack of records.
Michael.
Jackie hadn't wanted Steven go to, especially not abandoning her at the mall and angry at her enough to storm off, but she also hadn't wanted to see Michael, no less spend time with him. She wasn't ready, but here she was and there he was.
Michael who had broken her heart, ran away to California, and made her promises that he had never meant to keep. She wasn't ready for that conversation yet, but there he was and it seemed that at some point it would become unavoidable. That, or they wouldn't talk about it and that would piss her off too.
But maybe this was a sign, a way of letting her know that past, present, or future, the man that was supposed to be in her life was Michael Kelso.
The course of their relationship had had so many ups and downs, but who was it—maybe Jacqueline Smith—who said, "the course of true love never did run smooth." And it had never been smooth, not with her and Michael. Oh sure, for a while in the early days it had been all hearts and flowers, but then he had started cheating and cheating and cheating. She had turned a blind eye to it at first, and even when she had gotten angry at him and left him, she had learned to forgive him. Jackie had to admit, she had been happy with Michael, at least for part of the time.
With Steven? Well she didn't really know what they were, especially now. They were hot together, she had to give it that. And not just hot—explosive. Jackie smiled to herself. They couldn't keep their hands off one another, and even when they couldn't be touching or kissing—like when Eric or Fez were around—she could feel his eyes on her, and it taught her what it really felt like to be truly desired and to be desirable. And with Steven this last summer, Jackie knew that it had been her and her alone that had been on his brain messing him up and making them both so reckless and crazy.
There were no other girls.
Jackie knew his history with women. It was no secret that of the members of the gang, he was the one with the most . . . experience. Most of them were nameless, faceless girls. For all his scruffiness, there was something inherently sexy about him. Maybe it was because he was so Zen, so aloof—or maybe that he had a touch of danger to him—but he had never been one to lack partners, just relationships.
But there had been no one else for him that summer but her, as there had been no one else for her but him. She knew this because whenever they had found a chance to be alone they had taken it and run. A few times he had even gone searching for her. The first time she had been conducing summer cheerleading practice on the school field. Half-way through the practice—the practice that she had scheduled—Jackie had spotted the el Camino in the distance and had seen him leaning against the car door and looking in her direction.
Practice, for her at least, had ended early. They had driven up to the Point and had whiled the hours away exploring each other's mouths and bodies. She had loved how his hands were always so gentle with her even though the passion of his kisses often left her mouth feeling bruised and swollen, although she loved that too.
They had stayed there until dusk. When she had woken up she had found herself with her head against his chest and with his arm wrapped around her protectively.
When he finally dropped her off at home later that night, he had given her their first sweet kiss. It was unlike any other before it, tender, lingering. He had leaned over, turned her head ever-so-slightly with a touch on her cheek, and had kissed her softly on the mouth. It had left her feeling fluttery and weak in the knees.
For a moment back then she had thought about love, about the fact that maybe this was more than just a fling, but it had only been a few weeks and in that time she had come to know him enough to know not to say anything. To tell him how she was feeling would probably scare him away, and she had been having too much fun to ruin it with emotions. Just a fling, she had told herself. That's how they had defined it, and those were the rules they had to follow.
Jackie blinked and touched her hand to hear heart. For a moment she had forgotten where she had been. She looked around her. Michael was still going through records, looking up occasionally at girls who passed by, and Fez was chatting up a sales girl who seemed to want to get as far away from him as possible.
Jackie took a deep breath. I have to stop thinking about him, she thought. I just have to, as hard as it may be.
"Hey, Jackie!"
She looked up and saw Michael coming towards her.
"What?" she said irritably.
"Could I borrow a coupla bucks?"
"What?"
He held up a Frampton Comes Alive! record sleeve.
"Don't you have that one already?" she said, folding her arms together and feeling irritated.
"But you don't have one!"
She didn't understand. What was he getting at? For all of Steven's Zen, all his ambiguity, at least he made sense when it came to everyday conversation.
"I want to get this for you, Jackie! I know how you feel about Frampton, and well," he looked abashed, "I wanted to get you a present so that--" he paused again and rubbed his head, "so that maybe you'd start to forgive me for ditching you and going to California. But I don't have enough money to buy it."
Jackie softened. He was still Michael, sweet but dumb Michael.
"I was gonna buy myself a Kiss album but when I saw you and Hyde I remembered that you were probably really mad at me still and that I should do something nice for you, like buy you a present. You still like presents, don't you, Jackie?"
She sighed. "Yes, Michael, I still like presents, but I don't want this from you, especially if I have to pay for it."
"Oh." He frowned, confused.
"But," she continued, putting a reassuring arm on his, "it is sweet of you, I guess." Jackie looked around the record store again and saw Fez coming towards them. He looked dejected. "So do you think we can go home now? I'm kind of sick of being here."
"Sure!"
Fez came up besides them. "Stupid sales whores," he mumbled.
"Aw, it's okay little buddy," Kelso said. "You still got me at least."
Fez looked up at him. "You are pretty, Kelso, but you don't give me action in the pants. Stupid sales whores!"
Jackie rolled her eyes, and then they were off.
***
Michael dropped Fez off first at his host parent's house. It was getting dark already and any later and the Erdmans probably would've forced Fez to take part in an exorcism. When he finally got to her house it was full-blown evening, the moon hanging in the sky like a glowing crystal ball. It was so bright that Jackie couldn't even see the stars.
When Michael pulled his van into the driveway, Jackie made to get out, and then heard him turn off the engine. Her hand on the door handle, she turned to him and asked, "Michael?"
"Could I talk to you Jackie?"
She hesitated. "Michael, I don't think I'm ready to hear . . ."
"Please?" He made a sad, puppy dog face, and she relented.
"Fine then." She released the door and folded her hands in her lap, acting much calmer and looking much more composed than she really felt. "What did you want to talk about, Michael? What is it that you possibly have to say to me?"
Jackie hoped he was going to tell her something about super balls or about the Packers. Not about all the California sluts he made-out with during the summer or about them and whatever was left of their relationship. He had only been back one day. He couldn't think that she was ready for it, or did he?
The old Jackie would've wanted it this way, she thought. The old Jackie would have wanted him begging for her forgiveness on both knees as soon as he got his stupid ass back from the West Coast. The old Jackie would've wanted him to suffer for leaving her like that, but she would have also taken him back if he felt bad enough. Which Jackie was she now?
This summer had changed her. She had experienced it without him around—a first since she had known him—and she had gotten to know herself more as well as… other people. One person at least. Because of that, because of Steven, after a while Michael had stopped dominating her thoughts. He was no longer the first thing on her mind when she woke up, or the last thing she thought about when she went to sleep. For a long time, she hadn't even thought of him at all.
Which Jackie was she now? Sitting there in the van, she didn't honestly know.
"Jackie, I know you're probably really, really mad at me for running away after I said that I would marry you."
Marry her. That had seemed so long ago. She looked at him, and then suddenly hit him. Everything built up had to come out at some point. Why not now? she figured.
"Ouch! Damn, Jackie, that hurt!"
"Well you deserve it, you doofus! Of course I'm still mad at you! You made me a promise and then what did you do? You ran way!"
Ran away. She couldn't help but think
who else had run away from her recently.
"It was the only thing I could think to do!" he cried,
rubbing his arm.
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"What was I supposed to do, Jackie? You told me that I either had to marry you or you would leave me." He looked down at his lap. "And while I didn't want to marry you—not just yet at least," he added when he looked at her and saw her face, "I didn't want to lose you either. I love you Jackie Burkhart. You know that. I'm just not ready to get married yet. Marriage like, ages you fifteen years or something. I still gotta take advantage of this face and this body while I'm still young. I don't want to screw it up just yet."
"Screw up? Is that how you see it? That being together will screw you up?" She was beginning to yell.
"No!" he squeaked. "Marriage will screw us up. I mean, we can be together and do it all the time and everything and still be hot, but without the marriage part."
Jackie sighed warily and turned away from him.
But for all his idiocy and cluelessness, years together seemed to have taught him something. Michael reached for her and placed his hand over hers. She looked at him, tears starting to form in her eyes.
"Jackie, you gotta give me another chance." He squeezed her hand. She could smell his cologne. "I swear I can be a better boyfriend. C'mon, Jackie. Please? It's use. Jackie and Kelso. We're like Batman and Robin or Scooby and Shaggy. There's no one without the other." He pressed on. "I need you," he said, and it sounded as though he truly meant it.
Jackie looked him in the eyes, searching for something there. Maybe that was what it all came down to. He needed her, he wanted her, and when it came right down to it, he would fight to get her back. Steven had simply given up. When they had talked about what to do when Michael and Donna came back from California, he had immediately agreed to ending their fling. He hadn't even looked bothered at the idea that they would have to act like nothing had ever happened. He hadn't argued, not in the slightest. He would probably never fight for her like Michael did, and she knew she deserved better than that.
She also knew that she deserved better than Michael who hurt her right and left and up and down, but then Jackie also knew what to expect from him too. He was her first love and by now she knew how to handle him, knew where to make herself strong and where she could stay vulnerable. Maybe fate was telling her something. He kept coming back to her, and she kept taking him back. Maybe this was the final down and there would be only ups from now on.
"If," she started, drawing a deep breath and speaking slowly, "if I take you back, there are going to be a lot of conditions."
He nodded furiously. "I'll do anything, Jackie."
"You won't cheat on me with other girls? You won't destroy my stuff? You won't embarrass me in public?"
"I promise."
"You've said that before."
"But I mean it now. Jackie, I'm a changed man. There's something about the West. The open spaces, the beaches--"
"Yeah, that's enough, Michael!"
He grinned, looking glad to be bossed around again. "So you'll take me back?"
"I guess so." Jackie frowned. "But you're on probation. There will be no making out, no sex, no me buying you stuff."
"Damn, Jackie!
That's all the good stuff!" His
feathery hair flopped around on his head.
"You said that you loved me. Isn't that enough?"
"You're right. It is. It's just that the perks are really cool."
Jackie couldn't help but laugh at this, and she suddenly felt as though nothing had changed, yet the feeling only lasted a moment. She grabbed the door handle, but paused before opening it. "Probation, Michael. Remember that. I'm taking you back, but not fully. Not yet. You have to prove to me that you've changed and that you're not going to hurt me anymore."
"I promise I'll be good, Jackie." His voice got softer. "I love you, and I would walk through fire for you." And she didn't doubt that he would, but then she also didn't know that if he walked through fire for her if he would just walk past her and into the arms of another woman.
"We'll see then."
He leaned in and tried to kiss her, but Jackie saw him coming and turned her head. He kissed her on the cheek instead, looking disappointed but not complaining. Jackie opened the door and stepped out, walking slowly to her front door. She only gave a quick look back. She saw him wave, start the car, and then heard him drive away, the wheels of the van flinging up small bits of gravel.
The house was empty she could tell. There were no lights on. Her mother was—well she had no idea where—and her dad had been gone a lot of nights lately working. The help never stayed either, so again it was just her in her big house. But it was okay. She didn't want anyone around tonight.
Jackie pulled out her key from her purse and opened the door. It was good that she had taken Michael back, she thought, especially on her terms, but then why did she feel like she did? She waved her arms in the air, fanning herself with her hand. She wasn't going to cry. She swore to herself that she wasn't going to cry. She was just being stupid.
Closing the front door to her house, she leaned her head against the cool wood surface. She had made the right decision, she told herself again. You're not a little girl anymore. Dreams are just that-- dreams.
But when she heard the lock click the full force of the day hit her. Jackie slumped to her knees, clutching her head in her hands. Hot, fat tears rolled down her face, her shoulders shaking, sobs wracking her body. She couldn't fight it anymore, and she didn't try to hold back. She let her tears flow, and her anguished cries echoed through the empty corridors of the house, lingering like ghosts, haunting her long into the night.
[end chapter four]