By Jaded (opheliadrowning@hotmail.com)
Summary: As Jackie faces a crumbling family life, she finds herself seeking comfort from Hyde. Takes place along the season 5 timeline during "Black Dog."
A/N: Great big thanks to Annie, who is not only a tremendous help and great source of feedback but also an amazing writer in her own right who has inspired me more than once.
Chapter Eight: Being ThereIt was funny—not 'ha-ha' funny or even 'punch-drunk Fez running around with his pants around his ankles funny'—just funny. He and Jackie had been spending the last few days—weeks—months—running from each other or leaving each other in the lurch, but now, after that last time when she had fled from him in the snow he found that more often than not, they were now always near one another and that it wasn't awkward or uncomfortable, or for that matter, even unwanted.
That bothered him, but only so much as he let it.
It would have been easy to avoid her. She was usually with Kelso or with Donna, and if they were hanging out in the basement she would probably be there with them too, chattering about cheerleading practice, the latest sale at the mall, or about how pretty she was. In those cases he could've just found somewhere else to hang out. He liked being alone. He could've gone for a drive or gone to The Hub for some fries, but instead he hung around and waited, and even though she knew he would always be there, she always came.
And if she didn't he'd feel something that felt suspiciously like disappointment. Disappointment that she wasn't there to burn, he'd tell himself. Then casually he'd lob a question out there about where she might be, just so, you know, he'd know where to avoid, he'd say, but that rarely was the case because she rarely wasn't where he was too.
But she wasn't there today. Kelso and Donna and Forman and Fez—they were all there in the basement as usual—but Jackie was missing. Hyde kicked his feet up onto the table and looked around the room. Fez was examining something small, round, and brown, sniffing it to determine whether or not it was a). sweet or b). edible. Forman and Donna were curled up together on the couch making sickening baby-talk to each other. Eric had let it slip a little while back about their engagement, and since the cat was out of the bag now they had no qualms about being mushy around their friends.
"You two sicken me," Hyde said out loud, but they only stopped making out for a split-second before resuming their lip-lock.
It all made him want to hurl, frankly. All of it, the mushy crap. If it wasn't Forman and Donna, it was Fez and the uptight chick from the DMV, Nina. And worse, if it wasn't that, then it was Kelso hanging all over Jackie, Jackie kissing Kelso back…
Hyde made a loud snort of disgust that made everyone look up. He hadn't realized how loud it was. He raised an eyebrow and shrugged.
"What?"
"I think Hyde is sad because he has no woman," Fez said between slobbery chews of Bazooka bubble gum.
"Shut up, Fez," Hyde said.
Fez threw a handful of gummi bears into his mouth. "It only hurts because it is true, Hyde. It is okay that I have a girlfriend now and you don't." Fez giggled. "I have a girlfriend! My lady, Nina, is so beautiful and she makes me dance in my pants."
Hyde got out of his chair and crossed over to where Fez was sitting.
"You know what else hurts? My fist." Fez shifted slightly in his seat at first, and Hyde thought he was trying to get away but then realized a second later that Fez was only trying to prevent the stash of candy on his lap from falling to the ground. Hyde frogged Fez on the shoulder and sat back down.
"Ai!"
"Aw," Eric said. "Hyde. It's okay. Even orphan boys need love!"
"Whatever happened with Julie?" Donna asked, shoving Eric playfully.
"Yeah, Hyde," Kelso added. "She was totally hot. Did you nail her?"
"Kelso!"
"What Big-D? Is it so wrong to be interested in the lives of my friends? If it is, I don't want to be right."
"You morons need to shut it." Hyde crossed his arms and gnashed his teeth together. He definitely should've spent this afternoon alone. Staying here had been a mistake.
"It's okay, Hyde," Eric said, still smirking. "If you want to talk about your feelings, go ahead. We're all friends here."
"If you keep talking, Forman, you're going to be the only one doing all the feeling, and trust me, it's going to hurt."
Did he really have to explain to them again that he didn't subscribe to relationships? That he wasn't a one-woman kind of man? That he preferred to love 'em and leave 'em and avoid all the mind games that came with having a girlfriend? Hyde sighed. There was no point in saying it all over again. They had heard it all before, and like the truth he told them about the water-powered car that the government was hiding from the people, they either wouldn't believe him or else just shrug and tell him to just wait and see. Whatever.
There was a long silence that followed punctuated only by the occasional bubble being popped by Fez who began to methodically separate his gummies into piles of the same color before he went ahead and bit all their little fruit-flavored gummi heads off.
Hyde wasn't the only one to notice the unusual quiet.
"Not that I care," Forman said, "but where's that loudmouth girlfriend of yours, Kelso? Off worshipping Lucifer?"
"Nooo, Eric," Kelso said. "Jackie's not off with some guy named Lucifer. How can you spread vicious rumors about her cheating on me? She wouldn't do that. I mean, look at me."
Hyde looked up.
"Cheese guy," Donna coughed into her first trying to hide her smile.
Kelso either didn't hear her or chose to ignore it. "She said it was something with her Dad and some brides or something."
"Brides?" Eric said.
"I don't know, Eric. Like I'm supposed to actually pay attention to that kind of stuff."
"Brides?" Hyde said, his voice cracking. He suddenly felt a little out of his head. "Shit, Kelso, she's not going to try to get you to marry her again, is she?"
Kelso froze and turned white. He gave Hyde a startled look. Kelso swayed from his perch on the backrest of the couch. Eric reached out a hand to steady him.
"Whoa there, Humpty!"
Just then the back door slammed open and a shaky-looking Jackie burst in, her face miserable. A gust of cold winter air came blasting in, and Kelso was so startled by the sudden noise that he tumbled backwards off the couch and landed on the floor with a dull thud.
She seemed to take in her surroundings quickly, her eyes dark and wild and darting all over the room. Jackie looked down at her boyfriend, sprawled like discarded octopus on the floor and then without a second glance she reached her arms out, took six quick strides forward, stepping over Kelso in the process, and didn't stop until she was sitting in Hyde's lap, her arms were wrapped around his neck.
"Steven, my dad is going to prison. What am I going to do?"
Hyde felt his face flush hot and was glad that Jackie was covering his face so that no one else could see. Her coat was still stiff and cold from her being outside and some of the coat's fur trim was getting into his mouth. But he didn't let go of her. He didn't try to push her away. If anything, as he felt her sobbing into his shoulder he reflexively pulled her closer to him, his arms tightening around her small body.
Her cheek was pressed against his and he could feel how soft and warm it was, but he could also feel the tears running down her face. Jackie must be really upset, he thought, and then realized that she was probably expecting him to say something. Like something…comforting. His mind blanked. What the hell was he supposed to say?
Then, Hyde was saved from answering by of all people, Kelso, who shrieked in indignation when he finally recovered from his fall.
"Jackie! Why are you always running to Hyde? C'mon, look at these broad shoulders. They're perfect for crying on."
Hyde wanted to remind Kelso the number of times that her crying had been a result of something stupid he had done, but instead he said, "Shut up, Kelso. This isn't about you, all right? Lay the hell off."
Jackie pulled away from him and looked Hyde in the eyes. Her lips were parted slightly and her tears had stopped momentarily. He coughed nervously and looked away.
"Jackie, what's wrong?" Donna asked, getting up from the couch and crossing over to hear friend.
Jackie loosened her grip on Hyde but she didn't let go of him completely, not yet.
"The police came by today and said that they're going to send my dad to prison because he was caught bribing people, and my mom still isn't home and I don't know what I'm supposed to do." She hiccuped, then covered up her mouth in embarrassment. "My world is falling apart."
"Oh, Jackie." Donna opened her arms to give Jackie a hug and slowly Jackie extracted herself from Hyde, her hand lingering on his thigh until the last possible moment. He stared at her, dismay and confusion on his face, but he quickly adjusted his expression so that there was no expression there.
"Does this mean we're not going to the party at Davy Milbauer's house tonight?" Fez asked, his face falling. "He said that there would be a keg."
"And as you all know, a keg great increases the probability of boobage among girls ages 15-19," Kelso said.
"Kelso!" Donna snapped.
"What?"
"No," Jackie sniffled. "It's okay. I . . . I do want to go to the party tonight. It'll help me get my mind off this. I really don't want to be alone tonight." She looked up, her eyes lingering on Hyde's for a split second longer than they had to. "The house is just so empty, you know? No. Let's go to the party."
"Score!" Kelso said.
***
Eric drove them to Davy Milbauer's house that evening, although Hyde opted to drive his own car there. It was already deep enough into winter that the sun set around 4:30pm and now at 9:45pm Point Place was pitch black along the back roads save a few starbursts of light from the street lamps that dotted the streets with decreasing frequency as they got closer to Davy's house.
Jackie was wedged in the back with Kelso and Fez. The streets were covered in ice and snow so Eric was taking his sweet time getting them to the party.
"We'll get there fashionably late!" he barked when Jackie had nagged him about driving like somebody's grandma, so she laid off and leaned back into the Vista Cruiser's ratty back cushion, her arms folded together.
She couldn't believe that her dad was going to prison. She had known that something had been wrong lately—he had been working later and later nights and had snapped at her more than a few times when he had actually been at home—but prison? She had tried to call her mom but she hadn't been able to reach her. Jackie wasn't even sure if her mom was still at the Fiesta de las Margaritas like she claimed.
She bit her lip. Don't cry, she scolded herself.
They finally reached Davy's house and from the outside the place was lit up like Christmas. Warm lights lit up the windows and there were strings of white lights twirled around the evergreen trees. A smile touched her lips and got out of the car, taking a deep breath of cold, fresh air when she got outside.
Jackie heard the crunching of snow behind her and instinctively knew that it was Hyde.
"Hey," he said. He kicked at the snow with his boot.
Jackie looked over her shoulder at him. "Hey," she said, and that ended their conversation.
Donna came up then and hooked arms with hers. Her tall, redheaded friend then dragged her into the house. "You're going to have a good time tonight, Jackie," Donna said reassuringly, and Jackie nodded mutely feeling not so sure.
The party was already in full-force when they got inside, and Davy Milbauer personally greeted them. "Keg's in the kitchen," he yelled over the music. "Get it before it taps out."
Michael went sprinting ahead and Jackie sighed as she watch him disappear down the hallway. The honeymoon most certainly was over. He was already back to taking her for granted, to ignoring her when she might have actually wanted him around.
Donna had split off with Eric already, Fez had found some girl to talk to, explaining to her how he found her foxy but that he already had a girlfriend so therefore, was off-limits, and Michael was gone. So there was only Hyde left and she didn't know how she felt about him. Or did she? Jackie took a deep breath and scanned the room to find him.
She didn't see him in the living room so she wandered out into the hallway. She found him there, but he wasn't the only thing she found. Hanging onto his arm was tall, blond, beautiful Julie Carson.
Jackie's face fell. Julie was leaning up to Hyde and whispering something into his ear. He was still wearing his jacket so he must have come in and gone directly to Julie. She knew it was childish, but she fled from the scene, hoping that she hadn't been seen.
Why did all the men in her life have to make her so miserable? Steven? Michael? Her father? Jackie had thrown her coat on the couch in the living room and went back to grab it. She really didn't want to be inside right now around people and things that made her feel worse than she already did.
Finding the back door that lead into the back yard she pulled it open with both hands, ignoring the complaints from people who bitched and moaned about how she was letting all this cold air in, and stepped outside.
Jackie wrapped her arms around herself. It was really cold out but she needed to be alone now. She crossed the patio and headed toward the gazebo that was adjacent to it. It was covered in snow on the top but inside the bench seats were clear. She sat down and leaned against the wall.
Any other time and she might have thought about how beautiful it looked out here, how the gazebo, covered with snow and twinkling Christmas lights looked like a page out of a fairy tale. Did princesses in those stories ever have their fathers being sent to prison and their drunk mothers A.W.O.L.? Probably not. It was more cut-and-dry in fairy tales. What Jackie would've done for a evil witch or a dragon to slay just then.
She was ready to wallow some more when she heard footsteps approaching.
"Jackie?"
She jumped up from her seat, startled.
"Steven?" she whispered as he emerged from the shadows.
"Geez, Jackie, what the hell are you doing out here? It's freezing." He reached out and touched her hand. His fingers were still cold.
"Why do you care?" She shook his hand off hers. "Why don't you go back inside to Julie. I'm sure she's nice and warm."
"Jackie," he said warningly.
"Just leave me alone."
She turned and waited for him to leave but he didn't.
"No," he said evenly. He reached over and put his hand on her right shoulder and turned her around to face him. "Not this time."
Jackie looked up at him surprised, and even in the dark she could see how beautiful his blue eyes were, especially when that gaze was trained on her. She shivered.
"Jackie, I know this thing with your dad hard on you."
"You think?" she bit.
He gave her a look, and remembering his family history she lowered her head, a little ashamed.
"Sorry," she said.
"It's hard," he continued unfazed, "but you get over it and you move on. It gets a little less hard every day."
"It doesn't feel like it ever will," she said.
"But it will," he insisted, tilting her chin up with his finger. "Okay? And you got friends and that helps. You're going to be fine, man."
"Friends?" she said.
"Like Donna."
"And you?" she breathed, her voice a little high.
He paused and looked up at the night sky, his expression far away. Finally, he looked her in the face again and said in a low voice, "Yes. Like me." He leaned forward then and dropped a soft, chaste kiss on the top of her head.
Jackie felt her heart seize up in her chest. Why, why, why, she wondered, why does he do this to me?
He took a step back and seemed to be intent on making his way back into the house when Jackie caught his wrist in her hand and stopped him.
"Steven?" she said, but it was all she needed to say. Jackie searched his face, searched his eyes and reached out and stroked his scruffy cheek with her hand. Pulling his head toward her she went in for a kiss and he didn't resist.
His lips were soft and warm beneath his beard, just like she remembered it. The kiss was sweet, gentle, lips closed, but it made her eyes flutter as well as her heart. They broke apart but immediately pulled back together, this time the kisses not so innocent or so sweet.
Jackie latched onto him, her bare hands clutching onto the back of his brown leather jacket. The coat was open slightly in the front and as she pressed into him she could feel pockets of body heat against her own skin. His mouth was insistent and she was more than willing. A moan escaped as he pushed his tongue against her lips and opened her mouth
Jackie could feel his hands against her neck, tangled in her hair. She let herself fall into him. She felt so light, like she was floating. His mouth captured her lower lip and sucked at it. She whimpered and only pulled him closer.
It was dead quiet outside. They were far away enough from the house that even the dull throb of music didn't break the silence. There was only their breathing and the sound of their kisses.
When Jackie thought it couldn't become more intense between them she felt him press a kiss into her deeper and harder than she thought possible, as though every single ounce of what he'd been holding back was pouring out. His hands braced her across her shoulders and on the small of her back, and slowly he began to tilt her back and she felt as though she were swooning. Perhaps she was though, she thought. His mouth dragged against hers and she pushed back, aching to taste his mouth, to capture in memory how it was to kiss Steven Hyde, how much she craved it and never wanted to forget what it felt like.
It made Jackie almost want to cry, kissing him here in the dark, and she didn't really even know why. He caressed the length of her neck with a warm hand. She could feel the calluses on them and wondered faintly what it would feel like to have those hands touching those forbidden places, rubbing circles in her skin and making her weak in the knees. Jackie arched up against him and kissed him even harder. She only noticed then that hot tears were spilling from her eyes.
They had been tilting, and the entire world had felt like upside down but right. But they began to straighten and as sudden as that, Jackie felt him pull away from her, slowly, reluctantly.
She blinked the tears from her eyes and looked into his.
"What?" she said.
His mouth creased into a thin line and he touched her cheek, shaking his head all the while.
"What?" she asked again, an edge of panic creeping into her voice.
No one had interrupted them. There was no one coming, no one to catch them. Why had he stopped? Jackie stood on her tip toes and kissed him on the lips, a fleeing brush on the mouth.
He sighed and pressed his forehead against hers, his eyes closed.
"Kelso," he said, and there was defeat in his voice. He drew away again and bent his head to look into her face. "I can't do this to Kelso, Jackie. You can't do this to him either. We…" he faltered, "…can't."
"But what about this summer?" She stroked his cheek with her hand. "What about then?"
"You weren't with him then, were you, Jackie?"
She had nothing to say in response to that, but there was another question on her mind, one she had to ask.
"So this is just about Michael then?"
Hyde pursed his lips and pulled off his glasses. Jackie could see they were covered in frost. She took a step closer to him.
"Is it?"
He regarded her and his eyes were like the clear blue sky in the fall, bright like ice, like aquamarine.
"What do you think?" And in his voice she couldn't tell what he meant or how he meant those words. Why he had to be Zen now, she wondered. But she was too tired to be angry anymore, too emotional spent to hit him or cry or even put up a fight. She slunk away from him and began to walk away. She headed towards the side of the house. She couldn't stay here anymore.
Jackie heard the crunching of snow and his footsteps behind her.
"Jackie!" he called, his voice exasperated. "Jackie! Where are you going?"
"I'm going home," she muttered.
"What are you going to do?" he asked, catching up with her. "Walk?"
"I don't know." She knew she was being rash if not downright petulant, but she felt she had every reason to be. "Maybe."
He grabbed her shoulder. "No, stop," he said. "I'll take you home."
"Is that really such a good idea?" she said, afraid to look at him.
"And walking is such a better one? C'mon," he said, touching her on the small of her back ever-so briefly. But he didn't touch her again that night after that.
***
They drove in silence back to her house. Hyde found it increasingly difficult to focus on where he was going with Jackie only a foot away from him. His knuckles were turning white from how hard he was gripping the wheel. How was he supposed to concentrate when he wanted to pull over and kiss her until they were both unconscious.
He didn't bother with asking why felt his way. That would have been dangerous.
When they reached her house he immediately notice now dark it was. Not a single light was on anywhere in the house. It looked cold, abandoned. He put the el Camino into park and cast a quick glance to his right.
"Well," she said, her voice almost inaudible, "thanks for driving me back." She didn't look at him when she got out of the car, nor when she reached her door.
But at the door he saw her hesitate. She held her key in her hand but for some reason she wasn't opening the door. Hyde sat at the driver's seat and watched her, waiting for her to go in. Finally, he switched off his ignition and jumped out of the car.
He stood behind her and watched her gazing up at the big, empty house. It's elaborate front façade was caked in snow like something out of Charles Dickens or some Christmas figurine. She seemed frozen in her spot.
"Do you…" he wasn't sure if he should say what he was about it say, but it seemed the only right thing to do. "Do you want me to stay?"
He saw her nod.
"It's just so empty and I…."
"I understand," he said, and he did. He remembered when he was nine and Bud had disappeared. He remembered those nights when Edna was either with one of her boyfriends or drunk somewhere late into the night and he had to be in his run-down house all alone. He knew how it felt to be in an empty house and how it felt to be so alone.
She turned around and gave him a weak smile, but she at least had looked at him. "Thank you," she said.
Jackie went upstairs and Hyde stayed at the bottom of the steps until she got into her room. He could see the faint light of her bedroom fill up the hallway with a dim glow. He walked into the living room and eased himself onto a couch, a million thoughts running through his brain, a few of which involved Jackie coming downstairs in the middle of the night, but he banished those thoughts as quickly as they came.
Hyde threw his sunglasses on the table, kicked his boots off and found a throw to use as a blanket. He touched a finger to his lips absently. "What the hell am I doing?" he whispered into the dark, but only he heard the question.
[end chapter eight]