A/N: Syd's POV. I'm not thrilled with this chapter, but it wouldn't let me write it another way. Let me know what you think, please and thank you. Constructive criticism is welcome.
The Decision
* * * *
It was only the beginning, but what a beginning! Our lips never left contact as we leaned into one another, creating a perfect balance - a balance that absolutely no outside forces could tip one way or the other to upset the equilibrium. He was what had kept me grounded for so long in this world of insanity, but at that moment, we were both flying, soaring, reaching heights of which we previously had no notion. We flew willingly in each other's arms knowing that there was no danger of either of us crashing to the ground; I would always be there to catch him if he fell, and his touch told me that he would be there for me too. The view was beautiful up here; it was nothing but green, everywhere green growing from brown creating a flourishing forest that stretched on forever. We were lost together in it, thriving in our isolation from the rest of the world, the thought of searching for a way back to civilization never crossing our minds.
'Vaughn, I have wanted you, needed you for so long, so long...how did I ever exist without you?' I thought so strongly that I wondered if I had murmured the words into his mouth. 'I have wanted you too, Syd. Ever since that night at the pier, I knew that you were the one, the person whom I needed to make me complete,' my mind hears him answer clearly, though our voices are stiffled by the overpowering rush of just feeling each other. Neither of us has spoken - our lips only separate imperceptibly for small breaths of air that we make last for as long as possible since we cannot stand any loss of contact. Hands have stopped roaming and found their place tangled in each other's hair, pressing ourselves deeper into each other, at the same time massaging reassuringly, lovingly.
'We made it through the end of SD-6. We made it through the hell of stupid obstacles blocking our path to one another. We made it through all of the denial of our right to be together. We made it...We made it...'
* * * *
*'We made it.'* My eyes suddenly snap open, and I realize what we are doing. The fantasy has certainly bled through this time, staining everything in its path; there is nothing but red now, dripping red on my hands, my face - I am soaked in the dark color. *'No, no, no!,'* my mind screams. *'I was never supposed to put him in this position! Oh, god, STOP!'*
I jerk back and push him away, leaving him wide-eyed and stumbling drunkenly in his attempt to keep his balance. "Syd, what the..." he asks pleadingly, confused.
"We can't, Vaughn! Oh god, we can't! We really shouldn't have...you're *married!*"
"But, Syd, you're the one I want, the one I need. I've known ever since that night on the pier..."
"Vaughn, stop! Please, just stop!" I cry, the hot tears making a reapperance. *'We belong together. He is offering himself to me, but I can't have him. Not yet. I will not be the other woman.'*
"We really cannot do this," I emphasize. "I can't deal with any more cheating and lying in my life. Neither of us deserve it. Lauren...doesn't deserve it either."
"But, Syd --"
"You love her, don't you? Your wife?" There is no room to struggle with the word any longer. It is time for me to be strong now, especially when he cannot be.
There is a long pause as he studies me carefully. His eyes seem to question my sanity, boring a hole in my heart. I stare at him with equal force, showing him that I will see through any lie, that I want the brutal truth and will not accept even the possiblity of receiving anything else.
He breathes in deeply before he answers. "Yes," he whispers guiltily, eyes downcast. "Yes, I love my wife, but Syd, I love you too. I always have."
"I love you too, Vaughn. So much. That's why we can't do this. If we are to be together, then our *entire* selves have to be together. I won't take the half of your emotions that are reserved for me, and I won't give you the half of mine that are blind to the fact that we are cheating each other, not to mention Lauren. I won't because the other half will still be there, no matter how hard we try to deny it." The wall is back in full force, and I pray that he does not break through it this time. Who knows what will happen if he does.
His response both affirms what I said and increases my despair. "I know, Syd. You're...you're right. We can't do this."
*'Dammit, why do I have to be right about this, of all things?'* I wonder.
"I should go," he says after a pause, making his way to the door.
"Yeah, that's probably a good idea," I say trying to hide the reluctance in my voice. "But wait, Vaughn. It's late, and you're...well...drunk. Why don't you stay--"
"No, no. I need some air. I'll wait outside while I call a cab," he says hurriedly as he walks out, closing the door behind him.
I walk to the door with the intention of throwing it open and running after him, launching myself into his arms and asking him never to leave. When I reach it, however, I realize that this door is not the only barrier to our future. His love for his wife and the relationship he has built with her are impediments that cannot be ignored. So, aborting my first plan, I sink to the floor and lean my head against the door. I don't even try to prevent the tears from falling.
*'God, that was too hard,'* I think as the droplets of pure pain cascade down my cheeks. *'I don't think I can do this again. I know I can't. If he even implies that maybe we can have something on the side...Damn it! How am I going to face him or his wife at work? What if he ends up here again? I won't be able to hold myself back. This night has already sapped all of the strength in me to do that. I won't be able to trust myself alone with him...'* That's when it hits me. *'I have to leave.'*
The Decision
* * * *
It was only the beginning, but what a beginning! Our lips never left contact as we leaned into one another, creating a perfect balance - a balance that absolutely no outside forces could tip one way or the other to upset the equilibrium. He was what had kept me grounded for so long in this world of insanity, but at that moment, we were both flying, soaring, reaching heights of which we previously had no notion. We flew willingly in each other's arms knowing that there was no danger of either of us crashing to the ground; I would always be there to catch him if he fell, and his touch told me that he would be there for me too. The view was beautiful up here; it was nothing but green, everywhere green growing from brown creating a flourishing forest that stretched on forever. We were lost together in it, thriving in our isolation from the rest of the world, the thought of searching for a way back to civilization never crossing our minds.
'Vaughn, I have wanted you, needed you for so long, so long...how did I ever exist without you?' I thought so strongly that I wondered if I had murmured the words into his mouth. 'I have wanted you too, Syd. Ever since that night at the pier, I knew that you were the one, the person whom I needed to make me complete,' my mind hears him answer clearly, though our voices are stiffled by the overpowering rush of just feeling each other. Neither of us has spoken - our lips only separate imperceptibly for small breaths of air that we make last for as long as possible since we cannot stand any loss of contact. Hands have stopped roaming and found their place tangled in each other's hair, pressing ourselves deeper into each other, at the same time massaging reassuringly, lovingly.
'We made it through the end of SD-6. We made it through the hell of stupid obstacles blocking our path to one another. We made it through all of the denial of our right to be together. We made it...We made it...'
* * * *
*'We made it.'* My eyes suddenly snap open, and I realize what we are doing. The fantasy has certainly bled through this time, staining everything in its path; there is nothing but red now, dripping red on my hands, my face - I am soaked in the dark color. *'No, no, no!,'* my mind screams. *'I was never supposed to put him in this position! Oh, god, STOP!'*
I jerk back and push him away, leaving him wide-eyed and stumbling drunkenly in his attempt to keep his balance. "Syd, what the..." he asks pleadingly, confused.
"We can't, Vaughn! Oh god, we can't! We really shouldn't have...you're *married!*"
"But, Syd, you're the one I want, the one I need. I've known ever since that night on the pier..."
"Vaughn, stop! Please, just stop!" I cry, the hot tears making a reapperance. *'We belong together. He is offering himself to me, but I can't have him. Not yet. I will not be the other woman.'*
"We really cannot do this," I emphasize. "I can't deal with any more cheating and lying in my life. Neither of us deserve it. Lauren...doesn't deserve it either."
"But, Syd --"
"You love her, don't you? Your wife?" There is no room to struggle with the word any longer. It is time for me to be strong now, especially when he cannot be.
There is a long pause as he studies me carefully. His eyes seem to question my sanity, boring a hole in my heart. I stare at him with equal force, showing him that I will see through any lie, that I want the brutal truth and will not accept even the possiblity of receiving anything else.
He breathes in deeply before he answers. "Yes," he whispers guiltily, eyes downcast. "Yes, I love my wife, but Syd, I love you too. I always have."
"I love you too, Vaughn. So much. That's why we can't do this. If we are to be together, then our *entire* selves have to be together. I won't take the half of your emotions that are reserved for me, and I won't give you the half of mine that are blind to the fact that we are cheating each other, not to mention Lauren. I won't because the other half will still be there, no matter how hard we try to deny it." The wall is back in full force, and I pray that he does not break through it this time. Who knows what will happen if he does.
His response both affirms what I said and increases my despair. "I know, Syd. You're...you're right. We can't do this."
*'Dammit, why do I have to be right about this, of all things?'* I wonder.
"I should go," he says after a pause, making his way to the door.
"Yeah, that's probably a good idea," I say trying to hide the reluctance in my voice. "But wait, Vaughn. It's late, and you're...well...drunk. Why don't you stay--"
"No, no. I need some air. I'll wait outside while I call a cab," he says hurriedly as he walks out, closing the door behind him.
I walk to the door with the intention of throwing it open and running after him, launching myself into his arms and asking him never to leave. When I reach it, however, I realize that this door is not the only barrier to our future. His love for his wife and the relationship he has built with her are impediments that cannot be ignored. So, aborting my first plan, I sink to the floor and lean my head against the door. I don't even try to prevent the tears from falling.
*'God, that was too hard,'* I think as the droplets of pure pain cascade down my cheeks. *'I don't think I can do this again. I know I can't. If he even implies that maybe we can have something on the side...Damn it! How am I going to face him or his wife at work? What if he ends up here again? I won't be able to hold myself back. This night has already sapped all of the strength in me to do that. I won't be able to trust myself alone with him...'* That's when it hits me. *'I have to leave.'*