The Retreat

Chapter Eight: The Flashback

By Fyres Destiny

Snape trudged through the grass, making his way to Dumbledore's cabin, lost in thought. He could still remember the day he'd driven away Harry, and the sadness it brought him to do so was still quite keen. He set aside those thoughts, focusing his mind instead on the kiss he'd impulsively given Harry moments before.

Severus was glad that he'd finally taken that step, that he'd put his feelings out in the open. It had indeed been a big step for him; he was not a man to expose his emotions to the world, and letting Harry through had been most difficult. However, now that he'd done it, he felt no regret whatsoever; in fact, his feelings were quite the opposite: he felt much lighter than he had in the past two years.

Yet…he still felt that he would hold Harry back. Potter was, after all, still young, still had his entire life ahead of him. And where was he? A middle aged wizard with a disgusting disposition, the professor most despised at Hogwarts. Severus sighed as he felt the familiar waves of guilt upon him once more, the same ones that had induced him to distance himself all those months ago…

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"Severus! I've just spoken to Dumbledore; he's requested that I stay here to take over the Defense Against the Dark Arts position!" a voice called, causing Severus' heart to give an involuntary jolt. He sighed, strengthening his resolve. I have to be strong.

Harry bounded into the dank Potions classroom, beaming at the other man, who currently was seated behind his desk, grading papers.

Harry frowned when, even after several moments, Severus made no sign to acknowledge his presence. "Well? Aren't you happy?" he prodded, glaring down at his -now former- professor.

Severus finally looked up, fixing Harry with an even stare. "No," he stated simply, before diverting his attention to the Hufflepuff essays once again.

Harry's scowl morphed to an expression of confusion. "Why? I thought you'd like the fact that I didn't have to leave." He reached out for the other man's hand, grasping it in his own. "We can be together now," he whispered.

Snape slowly raised his head, gazing pointedly at the hand that covered his own. Shaking it away, he stood up, using his imposing height to intimidate Harry. "Excuse me, Potter, if I'm not elated by the fact that I must continue to endure your presence, despite the fact that you have already graduated from this godforsaken school," he sneered.

Harry's eyes widened, the happiness in his emerald eyes giving way to hurt. "…S-Sev? What's wrong?" he asked, daring to move closer. Why couldn't the boy just leave?!

"It is Professor Snape, Potter. That is, unless you decide to accept the infernal position that the headmaster has offered you, in which case it will be Severus. I refuse to acknowledge this idiotic nickname you have assigned to me any longer." Snape snarled, before turning around and heading to the back of the classroom.

"Sev- Severus, what the bloody hell is up with you?!" Harry said, his voice growing as incensed as his lover's. "I can't stand these mind games, Sev, don't do this. Not now, when we can finally be together, finally be happy." With every word, Harry moved closer, until he too was situated near the cauldron which Severus was busying himself with.

"Potter. Get it through to your thick Gryffindor brain that I do not want you here. I have never wanted you here. You are simply a nuisance, a hindrance." He turned around, making eye contact with Harry. "I might even say that you are the bane of my existence. Therefore, I am none too happy to discover that you might prolong your already too lengthy stay at Hogwarts."

Harry's eyes shone with unshed tears as he looked at the unyielding back of the man before him. "You…you don't mean that, Sev," he whispered weakly.

Severus spun around, anger blazing in his dark eyes. "For the last time, Potter, it is Professor Snape. Now get out, you foolish boy!" he growled. "And do not come back again. You are no longer welcome here." Finishing his tirade, Snape turned his attention back to the potion, adding a pinch of asphodel to its blood red depths.

Harry's shoulders sagged as he turned away, his face looking worn and defeated. He trudged slowly out of the room, but not before glancing back once more, the tears spilling at last. "I still love you, Severus. I always will," he murmured, before fading into the darkness that enveloped the dungeons.

Severus refused to look back. He refused to go after Harry. Most of all, he refused to acknowledge the single tear that made its way down his face, falling at last into the simmering potion, disappearing into its midst as Harry had into the shadows.

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Severus walked on, although his stride has lost his confidence. He slumped visibly, and his pace slowed, as he stared contemplatively at the grass below him. Had he made the right decision? His own life was nothing without Harry, but Harry himself had seemed to be getting along fine without him.

That is, until Severus had mucked it up. Did he even deserve to be with Harry? He let loose a groan, leaning against a tree for support. No, he didn't. He had been a Death Eater, a follower of Voldemort. He had to pay back those debts; Severus wasn't entitled to love.

He slid onto the ground below him, placing his head on his knees. I don't. I do not deserve him. He sighed. Now, if only he could convey that to Harry…

~tbc~

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