Part Ten
The crows, black in dark feathers. Waiting. Watching. Observing every move. Waiting for just one mistake. He wouldn't make one. He knew what not to do, at least where someone watches. They watched him now and he was careful.
Jack O'Neill turned restlessly in the narrow bed, fingers flickering across white bandages. Beneath the lids his eyes darted, watching.
A large hand took those wandering fingers and held them. The eyes froze.
"Teal'c?" Jack stared up into the dark face of the Jaffa.
"It is I, O'Neill."
"Ah...I can see that, and don't misinterpret what I'm about to ask here, it isn't that I don't like you or anything...well not in that way of course, but...ah...why are you holding my hands?"
"I think you know."
Jack's eyes stayed open, but shifted sideways, avoiding the other man's gaze. He pulled his hands from the other's grasp and used them to push himself up.
"What time is it?" The lights were dim, sounds from the infirmary muted.
"It is three in the morning, O'Neill."
"Three! What are you doing here at this hour?"
"Watching you sleep, O'Neill."
Jack grimaced at the answer. "Doesn't sound very exciting, Teal'c. Why would you want to do that?"
"On the contrary, it was extremely illuminating. As to why I would do it, because General Hammond asked me to speak with you, and I was waiting for you to awaken."
It was obvious that Jack had recognised the significance of his friend's words. He clenched his fists, folding his arms. "Well, you've managed to wake me up. What was so important that it couldn't wait until morning?"
"Why do you do harm to yourself, O'Neill?"
The Colonel reacted violently, throwing himself off the bed and standing in one fluid movement. He strode rapidly away, and for a moment it looked as if he was going to leave the room, but as he reached the door, he faltered, and, his face closed, his eyes black in the dim light, turned to face the Jaffa once again, his back coming up hard against the wall behind him. .
"What the hell are you talking about?"
Teal'c's actions were sudden, surprising, and equally rapid. He reached Jack's side before the other man could react, grabbing his right arm and pushing the long sleeves up, exposing the dressings.
"This, O'Neill." He let the arm drop, only to tug up the sleeve on the opposite one. "And this."
As Jack lurched sideways, Teal'c held him by the front of his pyjamas, pulling the jacket apart. "And these." He released the Colonel, letting him slide slowly down the wall until he was sitting on the floor, his knees up, concealing the bandages swathing his chest. "I am sure there are more, O'Neill. Do I need to go on?"
The reply was muffled. "No, you don't. You've made your point. Now why don't you get the fuck out of here."
"Because I wish to understand why you are doing this." He too sat on the floor, gracefully folding his large body, and assuming a cross-legged position facing Jack.
The Colonel must have felt Teal'c's eyes upon him because he lifted his head from its position resting on the arms clinging tightly to his knees, and spat out a furious reply.
"Because I'm crazy, perhaps? What do you think? Do you think a normal person would do this to himself?" He waited for a moment, then scrabbled sideways, pushing himself up with a grunt of effort, swaying slightly. "There, you've got your answer. Happy now."
Teal'c stood, his arms out to steady the clearly tiring man. "No, I am not. O'Neill." He took more of the Colonel's weight, supporting his flagging body. "Return to your bed, you are weak."
"I don't need you to tell me that." Jack straightened, his expression stubborn, and moved to the bed, pulling back the covers to lie down, turning onto his back to stare at the ceiling.
"You are weak in body only, O'Neill. Your spirit is still strong."
"Yeah, right. That's why I find myself with blood on my hands every morning. That's why the nurses can't look me in the eyes anymore, and Janet has that worried frown every time she examines me. That's why I see the disappointment on the General's face."
Teal'c stood above him, his figure blocking the light as he gazed down at his CO. His voice was as impassive as it had been since the Colonel had woken, but it still managed to convey a depth of meaning. "General Hammond is not disappointed in you, O'Neill. However, he is worried. That is why he asked me to speak with you."
"And say what? I don't know why I'm doing this. Maybe next time I see McKenzie I should ask him." He shut his eyes and continued, his words resigned. "Then I'd be kicked out of the Air Force so fast your head would spin."
"Talking to Shrink McKenzie would be a bad move on your part. Not only will you do yourself harm, you will put Doctor Fraiser, her staff and General Hammond in the very awkward position of having to explain why they have not reported your injuries. Do you want to abuse the trust they have placed in you by doing so?"
Jack's eyes snapped open, finally being held by Teal'c's gaze. He answered slowly. "No, of course not."
"Surely you realised there was a conspiracy of silence about you. You are causing great distress to Major Carter and Doctor Jackson. Major Carter is torn between the desire to protect you and the knowledge that she should tell General Hammond what she suspects."
"Oh crap, what am I going to do, Teal'c? Maybe it would be best for everyone if I resigned." He lifted his arm, placing it across his eyes, the sleeve pushed up, exposing the bandages.
Teal'c sighed, the sound startling Jack enough to make him peer out from hiding. He watched as the other man sat in a nearby chair, his posture suddenly weary. "O'Neill, no one wants you to resign. Can we not discuss what happened to you on the planet and try to find a solution to this problem? We want to have you back with us."
"But I talked to the General, T. I thought it would help, but I still wake up with my fingernails digging into my flesh." He held his arm out to be inspected. "Sometimes I think I enjoy the pain, otherwise why would I do it?"
Teal'c laid his hand lightly on the shaking limb, pressing it down to the bed and holding it there. "Because you need to feel that you are here. That you have escaped from the torture and that you are back in control. You do it to yourself to show you can."
He waited until the arm stopped shaking. "O'Neill, General Hammond and I spoke long into the night. He told me what you experienced on that planet." When the anger flared in the hooded eyes, he carried on. "He did this because he hoped I might be able to help you explain your actions. In my long years as First Prime of Apophis I saw and did many things. I tortured men until all semblance of humanity was stripped from them, until they became as animals." Jack glanced down to where the Jaffa's hand rested, the brown skin contrasting starkly with the paleness of his own skin. "The few that survived were broken in spirit, no longer able to function as human beings. We would leave them, taking bets on how long it would be before they took their own life, or starved to death because they would not feed themselves. We laughed at them, losing our own honour in the process. In all those years only one man survived such torture and joined the ranks of my own Jaffa as reward. He never once forgot that he was human, that ultimately he had control of his own destiny. His spirit was strong, and despite everything we did, he defied us. He couldn't fight back, but his eyes showed that he was unbowed."
He leaned forward, pulling Jack's eyes back to his. "I saw the same defiance in your eyes when we found you, caged and bound as you were. And I saw the same marks upon his body as I see on yours. He told me why he did such things, that he needed to prove to himself that he was still himself, that he was the one in control. He carried those marks with him until the day he died on the field of battle, defending my back. They made him no less a man and we honoured him with a hero's funeral, Apophis himself setting alight the pyre."
Teal'c waited, watching as Jack began to relax. For a few minutes there was silence as neither man spoke, before Teal'c once continued once more.
"I am not saying that what you experienced was the same, O'Neill, but I am saying that I understand some of what you are going through. If you talk to me, tell me of your experiences, I may be able to help you come to a similar understanding of your actions."
The silence stretched, the quiet footsteps and murmur of voices outside the room barely registering. Far up on the mountain the first rays of sunlight must have been touching the rocky soil, but here, far in the earth, there was only darkness. Darkness that stretched into far corners, leaving plenty of places to hide.
At last the silence was broken by a quiet voice.
"I couldn't believe they intended to put me in that cage. I didn't make it easy for them, and my struggles woke the other animals around me. They didn't like that. There was no way to sit or stay, there was barely room to lie hunched up, unmoving. Those first few hours I thought I would die from the cramps in my legs alone. I almost wished I would..."
TBC
The crows, black in dark feathers. Waiting. Watching. Observing every move. Waiting for just one mistake. He wouldn't make one. He knew what not to do, at least where someone watches. They watched him now and he was careful.
Jack O'Neill turned restlessly in the narrow bed, fingers flickering across white bandages. Beneath the lids his eyes darted, watching.
A large hand took those wandering fingers and held them. The eyes froze.
"Teal'c?" Jack stared up into the dark face of the Jaffa.
"It is I, O'Neill."
"Ah...I can see that, and don't misinterpret what I'm about to ask here, it isn't that I don't like you or anything...well not in that way of course, but...ah...why are you holding my hands?"
"I think you know."
Jack's eyes stayed open, but shifted sideways, avoiding the other man's gaze. He pulled his hands from the other's grasp and used them to push himself up.
"What time is it?" The lights were dim, sounds from the infirmary muted.
"It is three in the morning, O'Neill."
"Three! What are you doing here at this hour?"
"Watching you sleep, O'Neill."
Jack grimaced at the answer. "Doesn't sound very exciting, Teal'c. Why would you want to do that?"
"On the contrary, it was extremely illuminating. As to why I would do it, because General Hammond asked me to speak with you, and I was waiting for you to awaken."
It was obvious that Jack had recognised the significance of his friend's words. He clenched his fists, folding his arms. "Well, you've managed to wake me up. What was so important that it couldn't wait until morning?"
"Why do you do harm to yourself, O'Neill?"
The Colonel reacted violently, throwing himself off the bed and standing in one fluid movement. He strode rapidly away, and for a moment it looked as if he was going to leave the room, but as he reached the door, he faltered, and, his face closed, his eyes black in the dim light, turned to face the Jaffa once again, his back coming up hard against the wall behind him. .
"What the hell are you talking about?"
Teal'c's actions were sudden, surprising, and equally rapid. He reached Jack's side before the other man could react, grabbing his right arm and pushing the long sleeves up, exposing the dressings.
"This, O'Neill." He let the arm drop, only to tug up the sleeve on the opposite one. "And this."
As Jack lurched sideways, Teal'c held him by the front of his pyjamas, pulling the jacket apart. "And these." He released the Colonel, letting him slide slowly down the wall until he was sitting on the floor, his knees up, concealing the bandages swathing his chest. "I am sure there are more, O'Neill. Do I need to go on?"
The reply was muffled. "No, you don't. You've made your point. Now why don't you get the fuck out of here."
"Because I wish to understand why you are doing this." He too sat on the floor, gracefully folding his large body, and assuming a cross-legged position facing Jack.
The Colonel must have felt Teal'c's eyes upon him because he lifted his head from its position resting on the arms clinging tightly to his knees, and spat out a furious reply.
"Because I'm crazy, perhaps? What do you think? Do you think a normal person would do this to himself?" He waited for a moment, then scrabbled sideways, pushing himself up with a grunt of effort, swaying slightly. "There, you've got your answer. Happy now."
Teal'c stood, his arms out to steady the clearly tiring man. "No, I am not. O'Neill." He took more of the Colonel's weight, supporting his flagging body. "Return to your bed, you are weak."
"I don't need you to tell me that." Jack straightened, his expression stubborn, and moved to the bed, pulling back the covers to lie down, turning onto his back to stare at the ceiling.
"You are weak in body only, O'Neill. Your spirit is still strong."
"Yeah, right. That's why I find myself with blood on my hands every morning. That's why the nurses can't look me in the eyes anymore, and Janet has that worried frown every time she examines me. That's why I see the disappointment on the General's face."
Teal'c stood above him, his figure blocking the light as he gazed down at his CO. His voice was as impassive as it had been since the Colonel had woken, but it still managed to convey a depth of meaning. "General Hammond is not disappointed in you, O'Neill. However, he is worried. That is why he asked me to speak with you."
"And say what? I don't know why I'm doing this. Maybe next time I see McKenzie I should ask him." He shut his eyes and continued, his words resigned. "Then I'd be kicked out of the Air Force so fast your head would spin."
"Talking to Shrink McKenzie would be a bad move on your part. Not only will you do yourself harm, you will put Doctor Fraiser, her staff and General Hammond in the very awkward position of having to explain why they have not reported your injuries. Do you want to abuse the trust they have placed in you by doing so?"
Jack's eyes snapped open, finally being held by Teal'c's gaze. He answered slowly. "No, of course not."
"Surely you realised there was a conspiracy of silence about you. You are causing great distress to Major Carter and Doctor Jackson. Major Carter is torn between the desire to protect you and the knowledge that she should tell General Hammond what she suspects."
"Oh crap, what am I going to do, Teal'c? Maybe it would be best for everyone if I resigned." He lifted his arm, placing it across his eyes, the sleeve pushed up, exposing the bandages.
Teal'c sighed, the sound startling Jack enough to make him peer out from hiding. He watched as the other man sat in a nearby chair, his posture suddenly weary. "O'Neill, no one wants you to resign. Can we not discuss what happened to you on the planet and try to find a solution to this problem? We want to have you back with us."
"But I talked to the General, T. I thought it would help, but I still wake up with my fingernails digging into my flesh." He held his arm out to be inspected. "Sometimes I think I enjoy the pain, otherwise why would I do it?"
Teal'c laid his hand lightly on the shaking limb, pressing it down to the bed and holding it there. "Because you need to feel that you are here. That you have escaped from the torture and that you are back in control. You do it to yourself to show you can."
He waited until the arm stopped shaking. "O'Neill, General Hammond and I spoke long into the night. He told me what you experienced on that planet." When the anger flared in the hooded eyes, he carried on. "He did this because he hoped I might be able to help you explain your actions. In my long years as First Prime of Apophis I saw and did many things. I tortured men until all semblance of humanity was stripped from them, until they became as animals." Jack glanced down to where the Jaffa's hand rested, the brown skin contrasting starkly with the paleness of his own skin. "The few that survived were broken in spirit, no longer able to function as human beings. We would leave them, taking bets on how long it would be before they took their own life, or starved to death because they would not feed themselves. We laughed at them, losing our own honour in the process. In all those years only one man survived such torture and joined the ranks of my own Jaffa as reward. He never once forgot that he was human, that ultimately he had control of his own destiny. His spirit was strong, and despite everything we did, he defied us. He couldn't fight back, but his eyes showed that he was unbowed."
He leaned forward, pulling Jack's eyes back to his. "I saw the same defiance in your eyes when we found you, caged and bound as you were. And I saw the same marks upon his body as I see on yours. He told me why he did such things, that he needed to prove to himself that he was still himself, that he was the one in control. He carried those marks with him until the day he died on the field of battle, defending my back. They made him no less a man and we honoured him with a hero's funeral, Apophis himself setting alight the pyre."
Teal'c waited, watching as Jack began to relax. For a few minutes there was silence as neither man spoke, before Teal'c once continued once more.
"I am not saying that what you experienced was the same, O'Neill, but I am saying that I understand some of what you are going through. If you talk to me, tell me of your experiences, I may be able to help you come to a similar understanding of your actions."
The silence stretched, the quiet footsteps and murmur of voices outside the room barely registering. Far up on the mountain the first rays of sunlight must have been touching the rocky soil, but here, far in the earth, there was only darkness. Darkness that stretched into far corners, leaving plenty of places to hide.
At last the silence was broken by a quiet voice.
"I couldn't believe they intended to put me in that cage. I didn't make it easy for them, and my struggles woke the other animals around me. They didn't like that. There was no way to sit or stay, there was barely room to lie hunched up, unmoving. Those first few hours I thought I would die from the cramps in my legs alone. I almost wished I would..."
TBC