Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing
Just Like Me
Chapter 3 'Tainted Dreams'
It was dark when Heero finally pulled out of the Preventers office and headed home. He didn't want to go home though. He didn't want to tell her this. He just wanted to hide and never come out, but that only lead to his misery. He had been there, all by himself and it was the most horrifying experience of his life. His mind and heart never wanted to go through that again. Gripping the steering wheel until his knuckles turned a ghostly white and tired to figure out how he was going to tell her. How was he going to say that he was afraid of what he would be as a father?
The drive home didn't seem to last as long as it should and before he knew it he was pulling into their driveway and walking to their front door. He shoved his hands in his pockets as he often did when he was nervous or confused and trudged on heavy feet through the front door. What he didn't expect was for Relena to be waiting up for him.
"I'm glad you're finally home." She said happily and wrapped her arms around his neck and gave him a light kiss on the cheek.
Heero stood stoke still with his hands still in his pockets as she smiled up at him and kissed his other cheek. Finally snapping out of his stupor Heero wrapped his arm around her tiny waist and pulled her to him. "Sorry I'm late." He remarked off handedly.
"No problem Heero, I made us dinner. So you wanna eat?" Relena grinned again as if something really wonderful was in the kitchen.
Heero raised a brow at her extreme excitement. It was odd that she ever cooked dinner. The two of them were so busy they hardly had time for home cooked meals. Something was up. Heero searched his mind for an important date he might have missed. It wasn't their anniversary, or her birthday, or his birthday for that matter. He didn't have any idea what this was about. "Yeah, I guess." Heero replied slowly. "Why'd you do this?" The question came out awfully callous but it was too late to take it back now. He had gotten pretty good at curbing those comments, but with so much on his mind he hadn't thought about the consequences of his words. She didn't even seem to be paying attention to him though.
"Come on." She called and left him in the hallway.
Heero redeposited his hands in his pockets and walked glumly after her. It made him wonder what exactly it was she had to tell him. Swallowing slowly he stepped into the kitchen. It was semi light in an almost twilight effect. There were candles everywhere. Her skin gave off a soft glow in the light and for the first time Heero noticed the slinky spaghetti strapped dress she was wearing. It clung to her curves and made him regret his denial the night before.
"What is this about?" Heero asked slowly. "I don't think…I mean I didn't get you anything." That didn't come out right again, but he was nervous. He had to tell her something that might hurt her deeply and she was being so…she was making it hard.
Relena laughed. "You didn't forget anything Heero. I just thought that this would be a nice change from microwave platters of lumpy mashed potatoes and the television."
Heero let a slight smirk come onto his lips. "But I like our meals on the couch. Especially the dessert."
Relena smiled again. "Let's eat okay. I made something I think you'll like."
Heero knew he had to stop this. If she kept it up he wouldn't be able to tell her and again he might end of hurting her in the end. He didn't want to hurt or hear the tortured voice he had last night. "Wait Relena. I need to talk to you first." Heero heard himself saying before he could think about it anymore.
Relena turned around. "What about. I don't want this to get cold."
Heero shook his head pulling his gaze from her sweet. "It can't wait I have to talk to you now. It's about last night. I need to tell you something."
Relena's face seemed to falter for a moment, but she didn't loose her smile. "Alright." She pulled herself away from the stove and sat in one of the chairs at the elegantly set table. "What is it."
She looked so beautiful in the candlelight. He couldn't tell her in here. It had to be somewhere else. "Not in here Relena." He said sternly his voice sounding harsher then he had intended. Before she could protest he left the kitchen and headed to down the other hallway. When he reached it he sat on the couch and waited for her to come in after him. Pulling on his fingers he wondered how he was going to tell her.
"Heero? What is it? Is there something wrong." Relena asked when she finally entered the room.
"Yeah Relena." He trailed off for a moment and looked at the floor. He didn't want to look at her just yet. She didn't say anything while she waited. She always waited for him. God, he loved her. "Relena you remember last night at the party when Duo said that he and Hilde where having a baby."
"I remember." Relena said patiently. He didn't seem to notice the sparkle in her eyes as she mentioned it.
"Well Duo was talking to me and he asked me if I ever thought about being a father." Heero looked up to see Relena biting her lip. Did he really want to do this to her. "I told him I don't." He said in a rush. With his gaze averted with the words he missed her completely shattered expression. When he turned back she looked completely calm. "I don't think I'd be able to do it Relena. That's why I couldn't do anything with you last night. I knew that if you got pregnant I might not be able to be a father. That I might not love the child."
"Oh." Relena said her voice completely dead. "I didn't know you felt that way." She said finally.
Heero looked at her and knew he had hurt her, but he told himself that things would have been worse if he hadn't told her before. "Maybe later when…"
"No, it's okay Heero. I know what you mean. I don't think I'd be able to take care of a baby right no anyway." She smiled and reached her arms out wrapping him in a quick hug. "I'm glad you told me Heero." With that said she pulled away from him and smiled shakily. "When both of us are ready we'll think about a family okay."
Heero nodded instantly feeling better. "I'm sorry Relena. I should have told you before I married you, but I didn't think about it. I'm sorry."
Relena put her hand on his cheek and rubbed it gently. "I want to be with you Heero and that's all that counts okay. I love you." She leaned down and kissed his lips briefly before standing.
"Where you going?"
"Oh, I uh have to make sure dinner is ready and I blew out all those pesky candles so you wait here and I'll call you when I'm ready again."
Heero watched her retreating form feeling as if something was wrong, but Relena had never held anything from him before. Then he remembered she had said she had something to tell him too. Before she disappeared around the corner he called to her. "What was it that you had to tell me?"
Relena stiffened when his words reached her. It was like he was wounding her all over again. Reminding her of what she had to tell him and what she would never be able to tell him. It ripped at her heart and she knew she would never be able to answer him without her voice cracking. Swallowing she did something she had never done to him before. She put on her political mask and pushed her pain away. She had never had hide anything for him before.
"Oh it was funny actually. Hilde called me all frantic and wouldn't let me get off the phone. She was worried about her baby and of course I couldn't tell her anything. I've never had a baby before, but she made me stay on the line until Duo came home." She laughed and continued to the kitchen before he came after her.
When she reached the kitchen the candles were still lit, but she could smell the food burning on the stove. She'd forgotten to turn it off. The whole image was shattered. Heero didn't want to be the father of her child. Sinking into one of the chairs surrounding the table, Relena let her head fall into her hands and a few tears slipped from under her eyelids. The child that was growing in her stomach, the child they had made together he didn't want any part of. She couldn't tell him. If she did she would risk losing him. He had told her he would love her forever, but would this be too much.
She was so wrapped up she didn't hear him enter the kitchen until he was lifting her face from her hands. His fingers came up to brush her tears away his expression nothing but seriousness. "I let it burn. I'm sorry." She said slowly. "I don't even know why I'm crying."
His eyes were so loving, she felt as if she looked into his soul with each glance. His touch was so sweet. He did love her, but for how long. When she started to show she wouldn't be able to hide it from him anymore. She told herself she should just tell him know, before she made things worse, but she found the thought leaving her when his lips came to her cheeks clearing the salty streams from her face. He was making up for his lack of affection last night. She couldn't deny him. Taking his face between her hands she pulled him gently toward her and claimed his lips in a deep kiss. She was hardly aware when he lifted her from the chair and lay her on the floor. The passion consuming them was immense. Relena didn't care that she was on the floor, and he didn't either. With the candlelight bathing both in it's faint glow he made love to her, like he had to first time, gently and cautiously.
With each kiss Relena pretended she had told him and that he was doing this because he wanted to love her, because he wanted to love them both. Heero loved her and in these moments he knew about their child and he loved whoever it was too.
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Heero awoke with a warm feeling coursing through his body. Relena and he worked things out. She understood him, like she always had. Even though she had cried, he knew it wasn't because of dinner, she wouldn't leave him. Maybe one day he would tell her the rest of his fear. Maybe one day he would tell her the things that haunted him and promised his failure as a father, but right now he was just content to lay with her.
Her head was pillowed on his bare chest her eyes shut tightly as she clung to him pulling him close to her refusing to let him go. After making love to her he'd blown out the candles and carried her up to the bed where both of them had fallen asleep. He didn't remember doing anything like that ever. Her kisses had almost been more urgent than usual as if she was afraid he would leave, or perhaps fade away. Unconsciously Heero reached his hand up and stroked the top of her head. He loved her so much, maybe one day he would be able to have a family with her, but the thought still sent unpleasant chills running through his body.
"Heero?" Relena mumbled her body not yet fully awake yet. She snuggled closer to him for a moment living in her fantasy.
"Good morning Relena." Heero said happily and turned to look at her placing a kiss on her forehead. "You want to get breakfast before we have to go?"
Relena opened one of her eyes and then the other and sent a lazy smile at her husband. "Yeah, just let me wake up a little." She snuggled back against him wishing that he wouldn't deny her if she told him the truth. She loved him with all her heart. 'Oh God.' Relena felt her stomach jerking awake again. 'Not now, why now.' Silently Relena willed the sickness down but it wasn't listening. Before Heero could react or she explain Relena jumped from the bed and ran into the bathroom slamming the door shut behind her.
It didn't take long and she reached the toilet just as her food made its way back out her mouth. The taste was awful and it burned her throat. Gagging softly she reached for the handle and flushed the toilet just in time to see Heero open the door. He was leaning on it sending her one of his glares. She wasn't going to be going to work today.
"I'm fine." Relena said suddenly as she pulled herself to her feet. "Really."
Heero narrowed his eyes. "I don't think so. You're not going in if you're sick. It'll only make you worse." With that said he grabbed her arm and gently tugged her back toward the bedroom. "Now get back in bed."
Relena really didn't want to do this. She wasn't sick and she didn't need him putting her to bed like she was a child. Maybe it was the fact that she would probably loose him in a couple of months, or that inside she was so angry at him for denying the child he didn't even know yet either way she yanked her arm out of his grasp. "No." She said firmly. Openly defying him. "I told you I was fine and I have a meeting today. I'm going in." With that said she marched past him toward the bathroom to take a shower.
"I don't think so Relena. You're not going to run yourself ragged for no reason, not while I live here." He strode after her intent on pulling her back, but Relena dodged him again.
"I told you I'm going! I don't need you fawning over me all the time. I can take care of myself." But that was not what she really wanted. She wanted him with her. She wanted to tell him, but that would just make him go away anyway. She hadn't spoken to him in that tone in a long time and she could tell he was angered by it, but instead of yelling back he stalked out of the room and slammed the bedroom door behind him. He would be back up to change when she got out of the shower. 'He'll leave you anyway.' A voice in the back of her mind told her. 'But he loves me. I know he does.' 'I don't know if that matters much. You heard what he said.'
Relena ignored the voice and stepped into the shower and flipped on the spray. Already she could hear him coming back up stairs. He was going to take a shower in their other bathroom; she'd really pissed him off this time. Sighing she let the hot water run over and placed a hand on her stomach. "I promise you that no matter what he does I will always be there for you."
Once again another chapter finished. So what do you guys think?