Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing
Just Like Me
Chapter 4 'What if love isn't enough'~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ``` 2 months later
Relena sighed and listened intently as the front door opened and was closed and locked. It was funny the things you could hear in the middle of the night. He had been at it a lot lately, going out for a long time and sometimes not coming back till the morning. The depression that for a while had see sawed between happiness distress seemed to have tipped. He wouldn't talk to her, but that was because she wouldn't talk to him either. Every time she looked at him she was saddened by what he would say in another month or so. She wouldn't be able to hide it then. She had been hiding it for two months. Two months of torture for the both of them and every time she thought she might be able to tell him she chickened out. She didn't want him to leave her. Was she being selfish? She didn't know, but she knew that this wasn't going to go on for much longer. Sooner or later one of them was going to break, one of them had to bring up their apparent problems. Besides she was already starting to show.
Relena closed her eyes and rolled over. She wanted him to think that she was asleep. It didn't matter she knew where he'd been anyway. He was always there. She listened quietly for his footsteps to come down the hallway. They did eventually, but they were heavy and dragging. Something was wrong. Relena kept her curled position but her ears listened intently as he dragged his way to the door and opened it. His fingers seemed to slip on the knob and he made a lot more noise than usual. He was grumbling under his breath.
Going against your usual indifference Relena sat up and looked his way. Heero didn't even seem to notice her watching him. Consumed in darkness he sank into the chair not far from their bed and began removing his shoes. His movements were sluggish. It almost appeared as if he were sick. His hair was a mess, had hadn't even tried to make it lay flat. He finally managed to pull his shoe off and looked at it for a moment before he hauled it across the room and letting it bang loudly against the wall. For a moment he sat there watching the shoe and then he seemed to remember he wasn't the only one in the room and he looked up to see Relena's eyes on him.
"Heero?" Relena started, but he turned from her and began to remove his other shoe. Relena wasn't sure but there was nothing that would make Heero so clumsy except maybe alcohol. Rising from the bed and crossing her arms over the chest of her thin nightgown she went to kneel in front of him. He didn't look at her at first his gaze fixed on the buttons of his shirt as he pain stakingly tried to undo them. Relena could smell the whiskey on his breath. In fact she could smell it in his clothes. He'd had a lot of it.
Heero was trying to undo the buttons of his shirt without success. He shouldn't have gotten so drunk. His vision was swimming and when he thrown the shoe he was almost positive he was going to throw up. He was about to give up when he felt someone's hands on his. Looking down shakily he saw Relena undoing the buttons of his shirt. Her fingers pushed the little buttons through the holes skillfully, but she didn't look up at him. She didn't look at him much anymore. He knew he'd ruined it. He had done something so horrible she couldn't tell him. It was killing him to have her touch him and seemingly not mean it. He was sick of the longing looks she would give him when she thought he wasn't paying attention. He wanted to know what it was she was keeping from him, but something told him she was never going to tell.
Reaching a heavy hand out, Heero brushed her hair behind her ear as she worked on his shirt and pulled it from his shoulders. She was so beautiful. The way her skin was so pale and bright in the moonlight the way her hair caught every beam of light even in the darkness and gleamed. He remembered they way they used to laugh with each other. They didn't laugh anymore. They didn't do anything anymore. Was he losing her?
She smiled up at him weakly as she pulled the shirt out of his pants and worked one arm at a time out of the sleeve. Heero tried to smile back, but he didn't feel like smiling. He only gazed at her. The same hurt gaze he'd thrown at her every day now. He was pleading with her to tell him, but she was refusing him every time. That's why he was drunk. It was because of this cold love she was displaying that he was out all the time, the reason he had felt compelled to get drunk for the first time in his entire life. This was killing him. The urges had returned full force now. He couldn't escape them. He went there almost every night. He was afraid he was losing himself. He needed something to pull him back.
He felt Relena's hands undoing his belt and forced himself back into conciseness. He watched her slip it from the belt loops and off of him. She set it on the floor beside his shirt and finally looked up at him again.
"Lift yourself up Heero. I'm going to pull your pants off."
Heero complied though his mind completely protested. It didn't want to move. In fact moving made him very sick. He hardly felt her hands brush against his skin as she pulled his pants off leaving him In only his boxers. He gazed down at her again and frowned. "I love you Relena." He whispered to her, but he wasn't sure that's what it sounded like when it left his mouth. He did love her though. She was the only one who would ever do this for him.
"I love you too Heero. Now stand up I'm going to help you into bed." She ducked to the side and put her arms around his waist and started lifting. Heero was thankful for her support. His feet weren't exactly listening to him. Before he knew it he was being lowered onto the bed. Suddenly he was very tired. His whole body wanted him to sleep.
"Relena, don't leave me." Heero whispered as he saw her going from his side to the bathroom.
"I'm just going to get a cloth to put on your head okay. You're sweating up a storm." With that she disappeared into the bathroom and came out a short time later with a dark cloth in her hand.
Heero gazed at her as she placed it on his forehead and moved it across his face. The feeling was soothing and completely relaxing. Without his knowledge his eyes slid shut and he fell into a deep alcohol induced sleep.
Relena closed her eyes against the tears that were threatening to fall was his breathing evened out and he fell asleep. This was bad. She had never seen him like this. She knew it was because she wouldn't talk to him. She had to do something and soon, but her heart told her that if she told him he was going to leave her and she didn't know if she'd be able to take that. Was it fear or logic running her thoughts? That she didn't know.
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Heero pried one eye open and then the other. His head was pounding intensely. He hardly remembered doing anything the night before. It was a large blur of bottles of whiskey and an open field. There were traces of Relena scattered within the midst of the illusions, but mostly he remembered next to nothing.
"I know you feel horrible."
Heero turned his head quickly and immediately regretted it letting a grown of epic proportions escape his throat. His stomach jumped violently and he almost lost it right there, but was somehow able to push it back down. "What…happened?" He asked.
"I have no idea sweetie. You came in plastered." Relena replied curtly.
Heero held his head to steady the shaking and gazed at her. She was dressed, not for work, but as if she was going to the park or something. She was wearing a pair of old jeans and a large light blue sweater. "Where are you going? What time is it?"
"I have to meet Hilde on L-2 she's having a baby shower and you are going to go back to bed as soon as you swallow this Tylenol." Relena commanded sounding very much like a mother. "I called the office and told them you were sick."
"Why did you do that?" Heero asked letting his voice rise and wincing when he did.
"That's why." Relena replied. "There is no way you'll get through the day and you're lucky you didn't make yourself sick. I was worried that you'd drunk way to much for your system, but you didn't throw up so I guess that's a good sign." She handed him a cup and two Tylenol, which he took after a moment of grumbling.
"I don't want you to go anywhere Relena. I have to talk to you." Heero said and started to sit up, but his body was not ready for that yet. He lay back down before he was half way to a sitting position.
"I can't Heero I made this promise over two weeks ago. I have to go." Relena said again her face doing nothing to hide the fact that she didn't really want to leave.
"Why can't you make time to talk to me?" Heero asked suddenly and watched the way her body stiffened.
"We'll talk when I get back tonight okay. You don't feel good and I have somewhere to go." Relena picked up her bag and started to leave. She only turned to look at him for a moment before she was out the door. "Bye Heero. I'll see you tonight."
Heero shut his eyes and wondered how he had let things get so distant between them, how could she have done the same thing. What was it? Why wouldn't she tell him what was bothering her? In fact why couldn't he tell her what was bothering him. He had to admit he was glad she didn't stay. It seemed he was always putting off their discussion, but then again so was she.
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Relena couldn't help feeling jealous as she watched Hilde be showered with gifts from her friends. Duo even stayed for a little bit proclaiming that it was his responsibility to make sure Hilde didn't except any stupid clothes for their kid. They already knew it was a boy and Hilde was huge. She only had three months left. They way Duo gave her comforting kisses and made sure she didn't lift anything too heavy made her want to cry. She wanted to imagine Heero doing the same for her, but always his words would come back to her. 'Duo asked me if I thought about being a father. I don't. I don't' think I could love a child.'
A delighted squeal brought Relena out of her stupor and she looked back at Hilde who had just opened the box with a cute pair of baby blue sheep pajamas in it. "They're so cute!" Hilde squealed and looked at Relena beaming. "Thanks Rel, I love them."
"I guess they're not so girly." Duo said adding his impute. Hilde smacked him lightly and sent him a warning glare.
"Don't pay attention to him. He is a big softy at heart. You should see the nursery. He designed it himself." Hilde laughed as the 'God of Death' turned a deep shade of red and suddenly had to go get a drink.
Relena smiled along with the other girls at his embarrassment, but she couldn't seem to bring herself to be happy. She had no idea how much this was hurting her. When the gifts were finally over with and the food cleared away it was just here and Hilde. Catherine, Dorothy, and Sally had already left. It was only the two of them. Relena was helping Hilde fold the clothes up when the first set of tears sprang into her eyes. She couldn't stop the tears, hormones. Jumping to her feet she rushed to the bathroom and shut the door.
She was in the process of dabbing her eyes, trying to salvage her make up when she heard a faint knock at the door. "Relena are you okay. What's wrong?"
Relena wanted to tell her so badly. She wanted to tell someone about the little person growing inside her, but she'd kept the secret for so long. How would she ever tell her? "I'm fine." She lied and sniffed lightly. "Just allergies is all."
"Allergies don't make you suddenly burst into tears." Hilde pointed out. "Now you let me in or I'm going to get Duo to break the door down and trust me he will."
Relena laughed a little at the mental picture and unlocked the door letting Hilde in. She had her hand on her back and her dark ebony hair was up in a clip. Her eyes were sparkling despite the worry present in them. Relena knew she was really happy.
"Oh Hilde!" Relena suddenly burst out and flung herself onto her friend sobbing like she had wanted to since she'd heard the news.
Hilde didn't know what to do, but wrapped her arms around the sobbing and hugged her. "It's all right Relena. It's okay." She hugged her not really sure why the woman was crying, but she could tell that she was in great pain.
It took a while but eventually the tears stopped and Relena was able to catch her breath. Sighing and hiccuping Relena looked Hilde in the eye and with water logged cheeks she burst. "Hilde I'm pregnant."
"That's so wonderful Relena! Why are you crying? That's great news. What did Heero say about it." Hilde asked raising a brow as the girl's face furrowed again and a new stream of tears made its way down her cheeks. "Oh… the little bastard."
Relena's eyes went wide as she saw her friend's face transform. She didn't think she'd ever seen Hilde so angry. "No," Relena explained quickly, "it's not like that. It's not."
"How can it not be like that Relena. The bastard left you didn't he. I can't believe after all you two have been through that he would even think about… Oh I'm going to kill him…Duo too…"
"No, Hilde listen." Relena reached for Hilde's arm trying to pull her back to attention. "It's not what you think!"
"How far along are you now? Don't worry about Heero I'll make sure he gets what's coming to him…"
"Hilde!" Relena screamed finally exasperated. "He doesn't know all right. I haven't told him."
Hilde's eyes suddenly turned back to normal. "What do you mean you haven't told him yet. How pregnant are you." She spied Relena's sweatshirt and sighed.
"Almost five months now." She choked back tears and grabbed another tissue from the box. "He has no idea that I'm pregnant."
"I'm confused Relena. What's going on here? Why haven't you told him?" Her mind was running wild with possible reasons.
"You remember the night you told us you were pregnant, at the party."
"Yeah," she said slowly her eyes lighting up, "don't tell me this isn't Heero's child!" Her hands flew to her mouth and she gasped.
Relena could have laughed if her heart wasn't in so much pain. "No, Duo asked Heero if he ever wanted to have children and he said no. He told me the day I found out that he didn't want to have kids. If I tell him Hilde, he'll leave me!" Relena ended the statement with more tears.
"Oh, Relena. You have to tell him. You haven't even given him a chance. He deserves to know." Hilde shook her head and leaned on the counter. "Right now I think I should be strangling you."
"You didn't see his face Hilde. If I tell him that I'm pregnant, I'll never see him again." She swallowed heavily and sat on the toilet and reached for more tissues blowing her nose.
"You love him don't you Relena." Hilde asked suddenly all humor gone from her voice, just concern present. Relena looked up for a moment and nodded. "And he loves you right. He's told you this a thousand times hasn't he." Relena nodded one more time and blew her nose again. Hilde waited patiently for her to finish before she continued. "Then that's all you need Relena. Love is all you need to get through anything."
"But, what if love isn't enough this time. Hilde what if I have to do this alone. I don't think I can do this alone."
Hilde didn't have any answers for that and handed Relena another tissue as she watched her friend cry. What if she was right and Heero didn't want kids. She had seen the way they look at each other. She didn't want to believe that this would tear them apart?
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"So this is your baby." Hilde said in awe as she held the picture at arm length to look at. "I can't say that's she's beautiful, all I see is a big black blob."
Relena laughed lightly and grabbed the picture back. "Shows how much you know."
"I'm just joking with you Relena. That's exactly what I said when I saw the first picture of my baby." Hilde rubbed her stomach and smiled. "Duo still can't make anything out."
Relena smiled and glanced at the picture. "I see her already."
"Relena are you still working?" Hilde asked suddenly her brow raised.
"Huh?" Relena shifted guiltily. "Yeah I am. I can't not work. He'll think something is up."
"It's got to be hard on you though. You're still working crazy hours. There's so much stress it can't be good for either of you."
"I do get tired, but I'm fine. Sally gave me some vitamins the first time I visited her and they're helping." Relena confided as she avoided Hilde's gaze. She didn't mention the intense cramps she was sometimes plagued her no to mention the headaches. "Besides the morning sickness is gone and I'm feeling lots better."
Hilde shook her head. "Relena, I know this conversation is over, but you have to tell him when you get back. He might surprise you."
"And he might prove me right." Relena finished letting her doubt run through.
"If he does Relena you can come live with us until your baby is born. I promise that we'll always take you in, all right."
Relena smiled weakly in appreciation. "Thanks Hill. You're a really great friend." Relena leaned over and hugged her. "You're the only person I've told except for Sally and I'm glad I could confide in you."
"What time does your shuttle leave?"
Relena glanced at her watch. "Um, in about an hour actually. I better get going." Relena picked up her purse and slung it over her shoulder. "Bye Hilde."
Hilde reached out grabbing Relena's arm as she was leaving. "Tell him tonight all right."
Relena nodded. "I will I promise." With that she smiled and left the small house feeling a lot better, emotionally, but her child did not like something she had eaten. She was moving around oddly and giving her sharp kicks.
"Calm down baby." Relena said as she stepped into her rented car drove toward the shuttle port.