"Bleeding is believing
You're hiding
Underneath the smoke
In the room..."
--Natalie Imbruglia
"For When You Return"
Part XI
Barbs had a way of burrowing further and further into the skin.
Squall, upon his initial realization, had gone further and further into a frenzy -- at least as
far as his friends could tell. Naturally, the crowd only picked up a less-comfortable man on the
dance floor, wandering around the tables, toward the door. His companions and teammates,
however, saw a panic that rushed beneath the surface. Beneath Squall's stoicism was a raging
storm, and his mind visibly twittered.
Eventually, with Quistis's mindful help, the five of them gathered in Squall's dorm room. It was
crowded, and the tension coming from the man made it all the more uncomfortable. Selphie
nervously stood against the wall and Squall was almost pushed into a seated position on the
bed. Irvine sat down next to him, and Zell unabashedly perched on top of a box-cupboard.
"Okay?" He said. "Tell me why Squall's dorm is better than a party?"
Squall was too out of it to even properly give Zell a glance, and the blonde man immediately
quieted. The lack of acknowledgement was almost more impacting than a glare would have been.
"When did Rinoa come around?" Quistis asked.
"In Timber," Zell said, as if this were the most obvious thing in the world. Selphie nodded and
Irvine could only shrug, naturally.
Squall didn't say anything, but his hand slid up past his forehead and he took his hair into a
painful grip. Selphie winced a little from the sight of it. "It's all a blank," Squall said.
"...I never realized it until now... I can't..."
"Think back," Quistis urged.
"We went through this already," Squall said. However, his eyes still moved downward in a way
that suggested that he was trying to do what she asked. "She was worried about Seifer... did
she try to...?"
"...And we had a contract, I had to...protect...her?"
Everyone was either watching him blankly or shaking their head no. Squall pursed his lips and
set his teeth a little, but before he could speak again Quistis said, "You were hired to help a
small resistance group called the Forest Owls, which Rinoa was a part of. But I could have
sworn that she was at your graduation ball."
Squall put a hand over his mouth.
"Wait," Irvine said. "I..."
Everyone looked at him.
"Nevermind," He said.
"Well," Selphie finally said, "Squall's stressed. I mean, the Headmaster--I mean, Cid--really
did a number on you tonight, you know?" She shifted around against the wall and eventually
walked over toward where Zell was, as if she were having trouble standing still. As if she were
bored... but that was understandable.
How could she possibly have known what was going through Squall's mind?
"Sephie's right," Zell added. "I mean, we can't fret over a little bout of amnesia, you know.
It's not like you forgot your name and who you are, Squall."
"What about the SeeD exam?" Quistis asked. "Forget about Rinoa for a moment--"
"No problem with that," Zell quipped. He got a round of glares and shrugged. "-I- thought it was
funny. Sue me."
"I had put off my Guardian Force exam until the last minute," Squall said.
"...And then?"
"I'd gotten in a fight with Seifer that day."
"Where did you go for your field exam?" Quistis asked.
"..."
"Squall?"
"...I was with Selphie and Seifer," Squall said.
"--And me!" Zell interjected.
"...But I..." Squall lowered his head again and rubbed between his eyes. "I can...see it,
but... It's like Rinoa. It's foggy, I can't trust it. Quistis, I..."
"You were with me, too!" Zell said.
Quistis' eyebrows knitted, and she exchanged a look with Irvine, who could only shrug again.
"I don't get it," She finally said.
"Neither do I," Irvine shifted his weight so that he was leaning back on one hand, and used the
other to add a dimension of gestures to his words. "I mean, you'd think a guy would -know- when
stuff like that is missing."
"Not until you realize that it's gone," Quistis said.
"This isn't a grocery list that we're talking about, Quisty."
"I'm sorry," Squall muttered, cutting off Quistis before she could retort. "This isn't your
problem. I shouldn't be burdening you guys with this... maybe I -am- just stressed out."
"Squall," Quistis said. "This is a big deal. We need to get you to the..." She paused for a
moment. "...Infirmary..." She looked at Irvine again, and then at Zell and Selphie, who seemed
temporarily uninvolved and stooped over something. "...or something." She finished.
"Like a hypnotist!" Zell cried.
(She said something about not letting other girls hypnotize you into dancing with them or
something? What's up with that, Squall?)
For a moment a thought slipped into Squall's head, but before his consciousness could dig its
claws into it he found the memory slipping away, teasing him with its presence. It had happened
so many times during the night... and was almost as frightening as a lack of any memory at all.
"I..." Squall started.
"Hey," Selphie cut in. She had turned around with a bounce of her brown hair, and in both hands
was an open book. It was relatively thin and leather-bound... old but almost new-looking all
the same. Squall immediately recognized it as the book that Rinoa had been looking at two
evenings before. He narrowed his eyes curiously.
"What is it?" Quistis asked. Zell, who was closest to Selphie, leaned over a little and peered
down at the text. "Hey," He said. "It's.. hey, it's a journal!"
"What? Why do I have it?" Squall asked. Irvine had sat bolt upright at the word, and before
Squall could get a look at his face he was up on his feet and moving toward Selphie and the
book. Quistis too found herself going that way.
"It's yours," Selphie said. There was something thicker beneath her voice.
"What?" Squall said incredulously. "It's not -mine-. I've never had a journal. I've never seen
that book before in my life." Even though he didn't want to stir, he still found himself
standing, although he didn't move toward the cluster around Selphie.
"It's your handwriting," She said.
"It can't be mine."
"Who else would write about getting his gunblade polished?" Zell said, putting a little smirk on
his face. He pulled the book out of Selphie's hands and held it up to his face. "Boor-ing," He
said. Putting his fingers up, he pretended to adjust a pair of glasses. "Let's see... anything
juicy?"
"It's not mine!" Squall snapped. But as Zell began to read his anger waned into frustration, and
his frustration shifted into confusion. They were namely appointments, a few thoughts... but
they were his words, he slowly realized. But he didn't remember writing any of them.
"The Seventh: If I get asked to be on that goddamned committee -one- more time--" Zell started
dramatically. Squall, by then, had gotten himself moving, and with a quick motion he snatched
the book out of Zell's hold and closed it in one palm with a firm snap.
"Sheesh, man, I was just kidding," Zell said. Selphie scratched at the side of her head
uncomfortably and glanced about.
"This doesn't make sense," Squall said. "Forgetting things, writing things without -knowing-
it... it's insane." He didn't mean that lightly. What was -wrong- with him?
"No." Irvine said firmly. Everyone looked over at him. "Guys... don't you remember?"
"Keep watching me
Too slow--
And you're left wanting
Wanting me, our love
And everything that we were
Once upon a time
Our youth kept us flying
But in this growing age
We'll see just how far we've fallen..."
The text was written in scrawly, rushed handwriting... as if someone were jotting it down in
fear that she would forget what she was thinking before the thought was fully captured in ink.
And this was only a small piece of a clustered whole. In the book was a series of poetry, lyrics,
and notes marked in pen.
Songs. Hundreds of them.
Rinoa ran her hand across the written stanza tenderly. The paper was rough, thick, like a
scrapbook... but there was no warmth, no comfort in that touch. It itched at her fingertips and
tickled like a cat's tongue... but there was no magic there.
Her mother had written these. All of them.
Rinoa looked down at the songbook in dull, quiet awe. A small, warm light in the corner and the
shadows that it created made everything seem more and more magical in her cozy bedroom... Or at
least it was -supposed- to be magical.
Why couldn't she feel anything?
This was her history, her past... a piece of Julia Heartilly that she could finally touch. And
touch it she did, as if she could never get enough of it. The book must have taken years to fill
up, and there were only a few pages left blank. The stanza that she had read was the start of
another song among many, but it had never been finished.
Had her mother lost interest in the piece? Had she died before she could complete it?
And still, in her sadness and desperation... yes, she could touch it and she did, but something
in her heart didn't let her feel anything. Eventually, after a long time looking at that
half-finished song, Rinoa set her fingers upon the cover and slowly closed the book. The small
writing desk seemed empty all of a sudden.
"What does this mean?" She had asked Laguna Loire when she first set her eyes upon it, when she
first realized that this had been her mothers, that she was looking onto her mother's handwriting,
her mother's thoughts, her mother's songs...
A knock on the door tore her from her thoughts. Her freshly-brushed hair slipped down and around
her shoulder as she turned her head in that direction, setting her feet flat and pushing back
against the chair. "Yes?"
She sounded so regal, so on top of things.
"Miss Heartilly?" A familiar voice said. And before she could even acknowledge him Iskyua poked
his head through the door with a fresh-scrubbed look on his face that held his natural smile,
although his lips hardly curved. "Sorry to disturb you, but you wanted me to fetch you--" He
jabbed a thumb toward a clock on the wall. "The satellite is at a hundred-and-ten percent..."
"Well, actually," He said with a grin, "That's impossible, having over a hundred percent and
all, but it's fully charged, anyway. We told Balamb that we would try again at this time,
remember? We'd better jet off to the radio and get you up and running."
Rinoa had forgotten--no, actually, she hadn't, but she had certainly lost track of time. Smiling
with a warmth that she didn't feel--she was getting good at that--she moved to get to her feet.
Iskuya, meanwhile, stepped into the room and pulled her jacket off the bed in order to hand it
to her.
Only when her fingers left the rough cover of the songbook did she realize that she had been
touching it for the entire conversation.
"I can't believe that we all forgot!" Quistis said.
"But it makes sense, doesn't it?" Irvine said, looking at all of them with a wide, post-shock
look in his eyes. "I mean... if the Guardian Forces steal our memories, wouldn't they steal the
memories that -involve- them?"
"...Heh. You mean they actually chart-and-analyze what parts of the past they want to erase?"
Zell huffed.
"I don't know about you," Selphie said, "But if I were a Guardian Force, I'd want to get rid of
the stuff that would be threatening to me, you know? I mean... it's only natural. If we know
what they do to us, then we'd be more able to defend ourselves. By taking away our awareness,
they're covering their butts."
"Covering their butts," Quistis said. "Cute."
"Thanks."
"Anyway," Irvine said. "When we mentioned Guardian Forces, it started to make me think... and
when Selphie mentioned the -journal-..." He let out a low whistle. "I have one. It's under my
bed."
"Me too," Selphie said. "Only I keep it in my bottom drawer."
Both Zell and Quistis nodded.
Squall forced himself to bob his head as well, although inwardly he was growing more and more
terrified. At the moment when Irvine started to explain, everyone jumped to join him. It was as
if their memories were instantaneously returned...
But he was still at a loss. Things were starting to make sense, sure... but the fog remained.
"How long do you think it's been like this?" Zell asked.
"I don't know," Quistis admitted.
"It goes with how much we use them, right? That's what we had decided." Irvine said. "Remember?
And Ultimecia... Think about it, guys..."
"We totally did a number on ourselves," Selphie said. "After fighting we forgot all about
everything and didn't even realize it!"
"I don't like this," Quistis said.
Me either, Squall thought.
"Tell me about it," Irvine said. "But what can we do?"
There was the sound of a door opening from the front room of Squall's dorm. Everyone cast a
dismissive glance that way and saw Xu walk apprehensively over to the open bedroom entranceway
and set her hand upon the doorframe. She looked at them all, and they returned her gaze in turn.
"Squall," She said. With a shift of her head she motioned toward the hallway. Squall nodded in
unspoken response to the equally silent reminder.
"I don't want these things inside me." Quistis said. "We aren't fighting anymore and... Guys, we
all -forgot- things that had happened not even a year ago. Doesn't that bother you? Sure, we put
up with it earlier because we -had- to, but now..."
Irvine looked down at his feet. Selphie looked at Zell, and then at Xu, who obviously was only
partially clear as to what was going on... although there was not a trace of confusion on her
professional, calm face.
"...We have to get rid of them," Squall said.
"Squall," Xu said. They had stepped off the elevator and into Cid's office. He had explained
what he could on the trip over, and her face became bleaker and bleaker. She didn't look like
she wanted to speak when she did... but obviously seemed to feel that she had no choice
otherwise. "The process of junctioning Guardian Forces to humans is...new to us. Guardian Forces
as a -whole- are relatively new."
Squall had stopped when she spoke, and looked at her with expressionless eyes. She seemed to
crumple under that gaze and urged them to keep moving. "We knew that they affected memories, but
have seldom had impacting cases--"
"--Because no one is able to remember that they've forgotten anything."
Again, she wiltered. "The thing is, Squall... We're still learning a lot. We don't know how they
steal your memories, or why, or if we can get them back. We don't know why we're able to junction
them to a person, or how someone is more compatible than someone else. We have -ideas-, sure...
but everything is still pretty new, and we're learning as we go along..."
They had come to a halt at Cid's desk, and Xu took that moment to look up at him regretfully. "I
guess what I'm trying to say is... if you want to try and get them out of your system, I'll be
behind you."
"You're saying that they may be less safe than you first assumed?" Squall said.
"No." Xu retorted. "I'm not saying that."
But she didn't go on to explain. Rather, she pointed to the radio set that was set up on the
desk and then to the chair in front of it. "It's on," She said. "If everything works alright on
the other end, you should be opening the transmission in a few moments. I'll leave you alone here,
if you'd like. It's basic equipment."
"Go back to my dorm," Squall said. "You know the most in this Garden when it comes to Guardian
Forces. Whatever that may be, be it a little or a lot, it's more than what we have. Talk with the
rest of them, try and figure something out. I'll be down in a while."
"Yes sir," Xu said. When Squall looked at her, she smiled a little, but it was listless. With
that, she turned and walked to the doors. A moment later, and Squall was the only one in the
spacious, quiet room.
The clock told him that he had only a minute before the transmission was supposed to come in.
The time felt like an eternity, and Squall was tapping his fingers and looking out the window
when the radio first hissed. The sound was loud enough to make him jump up in his seat.
Wide-eyed, he looked about the room... but there was, of course, no one there to see that he had
been startled.
"Hello?" He said, feeling foolish. It felt as if he was talking to himself...and the electric
crackle of the microphone didn't help him out by producing a reply. "...Testing?" He tried,
giving it a second go.
"Squall?" The voice came just when he was getting worried.
"Rinoa?"
"You sound so far away!"
"...I am far away."
There was a rush of air, a rattling hiss that burned in his ears. From that he realized that
Rinoa must have pushed out a laughter-laced breath. "Thanks for telling me," She said. "I'm glad
you did it before I started walking over to see you."
"You wouldn't get very far," Squall said.
He could almost feel her smile. "I'll be getting on the train in the morning."
"Uh-huh." Suddenly the conversation felt trivial, trite. There was so much weighing on his
mind... It felt like old times again. How could he possibly talk about what he was feeling? Gee,
Rinoa, you've got something living in your head that's slowly eating away at your memories? How
much did the train ticket cost, by the way?
Rinoa was apparently thinking along the same line, for she had allowed the pause to linger,
before asking in a much more solemn tone. "Squall, do you remember your mother at all?"
She couldn't have had worse timing. "I was taken in by the Garden when I was a kid, I've told
you that. I've never really had parents." He tried to hide the stiffness from his voice.
"Oh." He could almost see her twisting her foot a little, maybe playing with the handle of her
microphone. Fidgeting. It was something that she did when she had something important weighing
on her mind. "Squall, Laguna gave me something tonight..."
Squall's eyes shifted toward the clock. Did they have five minutes to talk, or ten? He couldn't
remember. "Yeah," He said absentmindedly while he thought this to himself.
"...It was a songbook that my mother had written. I guess I never thought about it before...
but Squall... I've just been feeling so -lost- ever since I'd gotten it. I mean, I've been
trying so hard to think back on her... but I can't. Squall, I can't bring up an image of her
face, her voice... not even the -feelings- that I had about her." Her voice cracked. "Squall, I
can't even remember her dying, I can't remember anything about it."
"...I know." Squall said.
"What do you mean, you know?" Rinoa asked. She sounded irritated all of a sudden. "Are you even
listening to me?"
"Yeah," Squall said. He had been tense before, but the hands on the clock drove him a little,
so that his voice moved faster than he wanted it to. He felt like a metronome on high. "I can't
talk about it now though, Rinoa, we don't have much time," And before she could reply, he added
without a skip in his beat, "Look, could you do me a favor?"
Not a sound came from her end. Squall paused long enough to listen, looked at the clock again,
and continued on, "I need you to talk to Doctor Odine. This is very important." He said the
latter slowly, as if afraid that the radio would scuffle his words. "I need you to get all the
information that you can on Guardian Forces. I've got to know about removing them, and what
effects they have on the mind. Can you do that, Rinoa?"
Silence. "Rinoa?"
"...Yeah." She finally said. Her voice was flat.
"Can you do that for me?"
"Whatever." She said.
"Thanks. I can't say how important this is to me. I'll talk to you tomorrow, alright? ...I miss
you." Only when he finished his sentence did he realize that everything had gone dead on Rinoa's
end of the transmission. She'd turned off her radio.
The minute hand clicked into place, and the official connection severed.
End Part 11/?
To Be Continued...
You're hiding
Underneath the smoke
In the room..."
--Natalie Imbruglia
"For When You Return"
Part XI
Barbs had a way of burrowing further and further into the skin.
Squall, upon his initial realization, had gone further and further into a frenzy -- at least as
far as his friends could tell. Naturally, the crowd only picked up a less-comfortable man on the
dance floor, wandering around the tables, toward the door. His companions and teammates,
however, saw a panic that rushed beneath the surface. Beneath Squall's stoicism was a raging
storm, and his mind visibly twittered.
Eventually, with Quistis's mindful help, the five of them gathered in Squall's dorm room. It was
crowded, and the tension coming from the man made it all the more uncomfortable. Selphie
nervously stood against the wall and Squall was almost pushed into a seated position on the
bed. Irvine sat down next to him, and Zell unabashedly perched on top of a box-cupboard.
"Okay?" He said. "Tell me why Squall's dorm is better than a party?"
Squall was too out of it to even properly give Zell a glance, and the blonde man immediately
quieted. The lack of acknowledgement was almost more impacting than a glare would have been.
"When did Rinoa come around?" Quistis asked.
"In Timber," Zell said, as if this were the most obvious thing in the world. Selphie nodded and
Irvine could only shrug, naturally.
Squall didn't say anything, but his hand slid up past his forehead and he took his hair into a
painful grip. Selphie winced a little from the sight of it. "It's all a blank," Squall said.
"...I never realized it until now... I can't..."
"Think back," Quistis urged.
"We went through this already," Squall said. However, his eyes still moved downward in a way
that suggested that he was trying to do what she asked. "She was worried about Seifer... did
she try to...?"
"...And we had a contract, I had to...protect...her?"
Everyone was either watching him blankly or shaking their head no. Squall pursed his lips and
set his teeth a little, but before he could speak again Quistis said, "You were hired to help a
small resistance group called the Forest Owls, which Rinoa was a part of. But I could have
sworn that she was at your graduation ball."
Squall put a hand over his mouth.
"Wait," Irvine said. "I..."
Everyone looked at him.
"Nevermind," He said.
"Well," Selphie finally said, "Squall's stressed. I mean, the Headmaster--I mean, Cid--really
did a number on you tonight, you know?" She shifted around against the wall and eventually
walked over toward where Zell was, as if she were having trouble standing still. As if she were
bored... but that was understandable.
How could she possibly have known what was going through Squall's mind?
"Sephie's right," Zell added. "I mean, we can't fret over a little bout of amnesia, you know.
It's not like you forgot your name and who you are, Squall."
"What about the SeeD exam?" Quistis asked. "Forget about Rinoa for a moment--"
"No problem with that," Zell quipped. He got a round of glares and shrugged. "-I- thought it was
funny. Sue me."
"I had put off my Guardian Force exam until the last minute," Squall said.
"...And then?"
"I'd gotten in a fight with Seifer that day."
"Where did you go for your field exam?" Quistis asked.
"..."
"Squall?"
"...I was with Selphie and Seifer," Squall said.
"--And me!" Zell interjected.
"...But I..." Squall lowered his head again and rubbed between his eyes. "I can...see it,
but... It's like Rinoa. It's foggy, I can't trust it. Quistis, I..."
"You were with me, too!" Zell said.
Quistis' eyebrows knitted, and she exchanged a look with Irvine, who could only shrug again.
"I don't get it," She finally said.
"Neither do I," Irvine shifted his weight so that he was leaning back on one hand, and used the
other to add a dimension of gestures to his words. "I mean, you'd think a guy would -know- when
stuff like that is missing."
"Not until you realize that it's gone," Quistis said.
"This isn't a grocery list that we're talking about, Quisty."
"I'm sorry," Squall muttered, cutting off Quistis before she could retort. "This isn't your
problem. I shouldn't be burdening you guys with this... maybe I -am- just stressed out."
"Squall," Quistis said. "This is a big deal. We need to get you to the..." She paused for a
moment. "...Infirmary..." She looked at Irvine again, and then at Zell and Selphie, who seemed
temporarily uninvolved and stooped over something. "...or something." She finished.
"Like a hypnotist!" Zell cried.
(She said something about not letting other girls hypnotize you into dancing with them or
something? What's up with that, Squall?)
For a moment a thought slipped into Squall's head, but before his consciousness could dig its
claws into it he found the memory slipping away, teasing him with its presence. It had happened
so many times during the night... and was almost as frightening as a lack of any memory at all.
"I..." Squall started.
"Hey," Selphie cut in. She had turned around with a bounce of her brown hair, and in both hands
was an open book. It was relatively thin and leather-bound... old but almost new-looking all
the same. Squall immediately recognized it as the book that Rinoa had been looking at two
evenings before. He narrowed his eyes curiously.
"What is it?" Quistis asked. Zell, who was closest to Selphie, leaned over a little and peered
down at the text. "Hey," He said. "It's.. hey, it's a journal!"
"What? Why do I have it?" Squall asked. Irvine had sat bolt upright at the word, and before
Squall could get a look at his face he was up on his feet and moving toward Selphie and the
book. Quistis too found herself going that way.
"It's yours," Selphie said. There was something thicker beneath her voice.
"What?" Squall said incredulously. "It's not -mine-. I've never had a journal. I've never seen
that book before in my life." Even though he didn't want to stir, he still found himself
standing, although he didn't move toward the cluster around Selphie.
"It's your handwriting," She said.
"It can't be mine."
"Who else would write about getting his gunblade polished?" Zell said, putting a little smirk on
his face. He pulled the book out of Selphie's hands and held it up to his face. "Boor-ing," He
said. Putting his fingers up, he pretended to adjust a pair of glasses. "Let's see... anything
juicy?"
"It's not mine!" Squall snapped. But as Zell began to read his anger waned into frustration, and
his frustration shifted into confusion. They were namely appointments, a few thoughts... but
they were his words, he slowly realized. But he didn't remember writing any of them.
"The Seventh: If I get asked to be on that goddamned committee -one- more time--" Zell started
dramatically. Squall, by then, had gotten himself moving, and with a quick motion he snatched
the book out of Zell's hold and closed it in one palm with a firm snap.
"Sheesh, man, I was just kidding," Zell said. Selphie scratched at the side of her head
uncomfortably and glanced about.
"This doesn't make sense," Squall said. "Forgetting things, writing things without -knowing-
it... it's insane." He didn't mean that lightly. What was -wrong- with him?
"No." Irvine said firmly. Everyone looked over at him. "Guys... don't you remember?"
"Keep watching me
Too slow--
And you're left wanting
Wanting me, our love
And everything that we were
Once upon a time
Our youth kept us flying
But in this growing age
We'll see just how far we've fallen..."
The text was written in scrawly, rushed handwriting... as if someone were jotting it down in
fear that she would forget what she was thinking before the thought was fully captured in ink.
And this was only a small piece of a clustered whole. In the book was a series of poetry, lyrics,
and notes marked in pen.
Songs. Hundreds of them.
Rinoa ran her hand across the written stanza tenderly. The paper was rough, thick, like a
scrapbook... but there was no warmth, no comfort in that touch. It itched at her fingertips and
tickled like a cat's tongue... but there was no magic there.
Her mother had written these. All of them.
Rinoa looked down at the songbook in dull, quiet awe. A small, warm light in the corner and the
shadows that it created made everything seem more and more magical in her cozy bedroom... Or at
least it was -supposed- to be magical.
Why couldn't she feel anything?
This was her history, her past... a piece of Julia Heartilly that she could finally touch. And
touch it she did, as if she could never get enough of it. The book must have taken years to fill
up, and there were only a few pages left blank. The stanza that she had read was the start of
another song among many, but it had never been finished.
Had her mother lost interest in the piece? Had she died before she could complete it?
And still, in her sadness and desperation... yes, she could touch it and she did, but something
in her heart didn't let her feel anything. Eventually, after a long time looking at that
half-finished song, Rinoa set her fingers upon the cover and slowly closed the book. The small
writing desk seemed empty all of a sudden.
"What does this mean?" She had asked Laguna Loire when she first set her eyes upon it, when she
first realized that this had been her mothers, that she was looking onto her mother's handwriting,
her mother's thoughts, her mother's songs...
A knock on the door tore her from her thoughts. Her freshly-brushed hair slipped down and around
her shoulder as she turned her head in that direction, setting her feet flat and pushing back
against the chair. "Yes?"
She sounded so regal, so on top of things.
"Miss Heartilly?" A familiar voice said. And before she could even acknowledge him Iskyua poked
his head through the door with a fresh-scrubbed look on his face that held his natural smile,
although his lips hardly curved. "Sorry to disturb you, but you wanted me to fetch you--" He
jabbed a thumb toward a clock on the wall. "The satellite is at a hundred-and-ten percent..."
"Well, actually," He said with a grin, "That's impossible, having over a hundred percent and
all, but it's fully charged, anyway. We told Balamb that we would try again at this time,
remember? We'd better jet off to the radio and get you up and running."
Rinoa had forgotten--no, actually, she hadn't, but she had certainly lost track of time. Smiling
with a warmth that she didn't feel--she was getting good at that--she moved to get to her feet.
Iskuya, meanwhile, stepped into the room and pulled her jacket off the bed in order to hand it
to her.
Only when her fingers left the rough cover of the songbook did she realize that she had been
touching it for the entire conversation.
"I can't believe that we all forgot!" Quistis said.
"But it makes sense, doesn't it?" Irvine said, looking at all of them with a wide, post-shock
look in his eyes. "I mean... if the Guardian Forces steal our memories, wouldn't they steal the
memories that -involve- them?"
"...Heh. You mean they actually chart-and-analyze what parts of the past they want to erase?"
Zell huffed.
"I don't know about you," Selphie said, "But if I were a Guardian Force, I'd want to get rid of
the stuff that would be threatening to me, you know? I mean... it's only natural. If we know
what they do to us, then we'd be more able to defend ourselves. By taking away our awareness,
they're covering their butts."
"Covering their butts," Quistis said. "Cute."
"Thanks."
"Anyway," Irvine said. "When we mentioned Guardian Forces, it started to make me think... and
when Selphie mentioned the -journal-..." He let out a low whistle. "I have one. It's under my
bed."
"Me too," Selphie said. "Only I keep it in my bottom drawer."
Both Zell and Quistis nodded.
Squall forced himself to bob his head as well, although inwardly he was growing more and more
terrified. At the moment when Irvine started to explain, everyone jumped to join him. It was as
if their memories were instantaneously returned...
But he was still at a loss. Things were starting to make sense, sure... but the fog remained.
"How long do you think it's been like this?" Zell asked.
"I don't know," Quistis admitted.
"It goes with how much we use them, right? That's what we had decided." Irvine said. "Remember?
And Ultimecia... Think about it, guys..."
"We totally did a number on ourselves," Selphie said. "After fighting we forgot all about
everything and didn't even realize it!"
"I don't like this," Quistis said.
Me either, Squall thought.
"Tell me about it," Irvine said. "But what can we do?"
There was the sound of a door opening from the front room of Squall's dorm. Everyone cast a
dismissive glance that way and saw Xu walk apprehensively over to the open bedroom entranceway
and set her hand upon the doorframe. She looked at them all, and they returned her gaze in turn.
"Squall," She said. With a shift of her head she motioned toward the hallway. Squall nodded in
unspoken response to the equally silent reminder.
"I don't want these things inside me." Quistis said. "We aren't fighting anymore and... Guys, we
all -forgot- things that had happened not even a year ago. Doesn't that bother you? Sure, we put
up with it earlier because we -had- to, but now..."
Irvine looked down at his feet. Selphie looked at Zell, and then at Xu, who obviously was only
partially clear as to what was going on... although there was not a trace of confusion on her
professional, calm face.
"...We have to get rid of them," Squall said.
"Squall," Xu said. They had stepped off the elevator and into Cid's office. He had explained
what he could on the trip over, and her face became bleaker and bleaker. She didn't look like
she wanted to speak when she did... but obviously seemed to feel that she had no choice
otherwise. "The process of junctioning Guardian Forces to humans is...new to us. Guardian Forces
as a -whole- are relatively new."
Squall had stopped when she spoke, and looked at her with expressionless eyes. She seemed to
crumple under that gaze and urged them to keep moving. "We knew that they affected memories, but
have seldom had impacting cases--"
"--Because no one is able to remember that they've forgotten anything."
Again, she wiltered. "The thing is, Squall... We're still learning a lot. We don't know how they
steal your memories, or why, or if we can get them back. We don't know why we're able to junction
them to a person, or how someone is more compatible than someone else. We have -ideas-, sure...
but everything is still pretty new, and we're learning as we go along..."
They had come to a halt at Cid's desk, and Xu took that moment to look up at him regretfully. "I
guess what I'm trying to say is... if you want to try and get them out of your system, I'll be
behind you."
"You're saying that they may be less safe than you first assumed?" Squall said.
"No." Xu retorted. "I'm not saying that."
But she didn't go on to explain. Rather, she pointed to the radio set that was set up on the
desk and then to the chair in front of it. "It's on," She said. "If everything works alright on
the other end, you should be opening the transmission in a few moments. I'll leave you alone here,
if you'd like. It's basic equipment."
"Go back to my dorm," Squall said. "You know the most in this Garden when it comes to Guardian
Forces. Whatever that may be, be it a little or a lot, it's more than what we have. Talk with the
rest of them, try and figure something out. I'll be down in a while."
"Yes sir," Xu said. When Squall looked at her, she smiled a little, but it was listless. With
that, she turned and walked to the doors. A moment later, and Squall was the only one in the
spacious, quiet room.
The clock told him that he had only a minute before the transmission was supposed to come in.
The time felt like an eternity, and Squall was tapping his fingers and looking out the window
when the radio first hissed. The sound was loud enough to make him jump up in his seat.
Wide-eyed, he looked about the room... but there was, of course, no one there to see that he had
been startled.
"Hello?" He said, feeling foolish. It felt as if he was talking to himself...and the electric
crackle of the microphone didn't help him out by producing a reply. "...Testing?" He tried,
giving it a second go.
"Squall?" The voice came just when he was getting worried.
"Rinoa?"
"You sound so far away!"
"...I am far away."
There was a rush of air, a rattling hiss that burned in his ears. From that he realized that
Rinoa must have pushed out a laughter-laced breath. "Thanks for telling me," She said. "I'm glad
you did it before I started walking over to see you."
"You wouldn't get very far," Squall said.
He could almost feel her smile. "I'll be getting on the train in the morning."
"Uh-huh." Suddenly the conversation felt trivial, trite. There was so much weighing on his
mind... It felt like old times again. How could he possibly talk about what he was feeling? Gee,
Rinoa, you've got something living in your head that's slowly eating away at your memories? How
much did the train ticket cost, by the way?
Rinoa was apparently thinking along the same line, for she had allowed the pause to linger,
before asking in a much more solemn tone. "Squall, do you remember your mother at all?"
She couldn't have had worse timing. "I was taken in by the Garden when I was a kid, I've told
you that. I've never really had parents." He tried to hide the stiffness from his voice.
"Oh." He could almost see her twisting her foot a little, maybe playing with the handle of her
microphone. Fidgeting. It was something that she did when she had something important weighing
on her mind. "Squall, Laguna gave me something tonight..."
Squall's eyes shifted toward the clock. Did they have five minutes to talk, or ten? He couldn't
remember. "Yeah," He said absentmindedly while he thought this to himself.
"...It was a songbook that my mother had written. I guess I never thought about it before...
but Squall... I've just been feeling so -lost- ever since I'd gotten it. I mean, I've been
trying so hard to think back on her... but I can't. Squall, I can't bring up an image of her
face, her voice... not even the -feelings- that I had about her." Her voice cracked. "Squall, I
can't even remember her dying, I can't remember anything about it."
"...I know." Squall said.
"What do you mean, you know?" Rinoa asked. She sounded irritated all of a sudden. "Are you even
listening to me?"
"Yeah," Squall said. He had been tense before, but the hands on the clock drove him a little,
so that his voice moved faster than he wanted it to. He felt like a metronome on high. "I can't
talk about it now though, Rinoa, we don't have much time," And before she could reply, he added
without a skip in his beat, "Look, could you do me a favor?"
Not a sound came from her end. Squall paused long enough to listen, looked at the clock again,
and continued on, "I need you to talk to Doctor Odine. This is very important." He said the
latter slowly, as if afraid that the radio would scuffle his words. "I need you to get all the
information that you can on Guardian Forces. I've got to know about removing them, and what
effects they have on the mind. Can you do that, Rinoa?"
Silence. "Rinoa?"
"...Yeah." She finally said. Her voice was flat.
"Can you do that for me?"
"Whatever." She said.
"Thanks. I can't say how important this is to me. I'll talk to you tomorrow, alright? ...I miss
you." Only when he finished his sentence did he realize that everything had gone dead on Rinoa's
end of the transmission. She'd turned off her radio.
The minute hand clicked into place, and the official connection severed.
End Part 11/?
To Be Continued...