Sometimes I wish my life were a movie. Because if this was a movie after my
tramatic breakdown I would find the inner strength to rise above with the
help of my family, close friends, and a fine leading lady, preferably
Jennifer Aniston or maybe Britney Spears, I know she can't act but hey,
what can I say?
But this isn't a movie, this is my life. Yes I had my global melt down, but
nothing changed. I was still depressed. In fact to tell you the truth I
think it was a little worse. I no longer hid it; I no longer pretended to
be happy. I got back into school, Casey made sure of that. Got back to
attending every hockey practice, I say attending because that wasn't
playing hockey that was skating around with a stick in my hand. Then I came
"home" where I went back to my room did whatever homework I had to, only to
sit around. Normally sitting on the couch staring at the Television not
really watching it but people freak out if you just sit there staring into
space. Nick came over but he was slow to speak. I think he was worried I
was mad at him. I should turn to him and say no, this isn't your fault in
fact I love the fact you're here sitting with me. But what's the point?
What will it change? Nothing. Nothing will ever change.
So instead I sat there lost in my own thoughts. Gordon came in and sat down on the coffee table in front of me. "I'm heading out to the airport, wanna come along?"
"Yeah," I said simply pulling myself from my spot and grabbing a light jacket. I meet him down at the car. We sat in an awkward silence, him not knowing what to say, me not really caring. The airport was forty minutes away so this was going to be a long haul of silence. He flipped on the radio but I quickly turned it off.
"Can you pull over for a second?" I asked not believing I what I was about to say to him.
"Yeah, are you okay?" he asked pulling off onto the shoulder Looking mildly concerned.
"Look I know this whole thing is so messed up and I'm completely screwing up whatever kind of life you guys had. And I know you and I haven't gotten off on the right foot at all, and I've been thinking about it a lot, I guess I just need to say" I paused not knowing what to say next so I just opened my mouth and let it all come out. "I remember watching you and District 5, especially Charlie. He followed you around like a lost puppy, and now you guys are still so amazingly close.. And I want that, my Dad and I, well lets just say he never got me. I guess I'm trying to say first off that I'm sorry for putting you thought this and that I don't hate you. You get on my nerves but I guess I want what you and Charlie have.... and I officially fell like an idiot." I said looking down at my hands.
Gordon remained silent. I couldn't blame him. I don't even know how I would react to that, I just kind of rambled. Oh god I'm turning into Jason.
"Look just you don't have to tip toe around me anymore. I'm not mad at anyone I just need some time to figure what's going on, and what I'm going to do about it."
"You know Adam, we all want to help you thought this, I just don't know how. Some days it seems like you hate me while other days your annoyed with me and other days you completely ignore me. I don't know what you want me to do, but I'm not leaving you alone, not completely."
"That's good, because I really need you." I cut in. He looked up at me surprised. I smiled shyly it was the truth. "I just thought you should know it." I said shifting in my seat; I wasn't good at these warm touching moments. My family didn't believe in them. He nodded and started the car back up.
We fell back into the almost comforting silence. He kept giving me side- glances, like he was trying to figure out what the hell I was about. I wish I knew what I was all about. All I knew was that this wasn't what I'd bargained for.
The airport was a huge one and I was getting impatient. The plane was running late, and I was getting hungry. Gordon kept shifting his weight, which was making me even more nervous.
Someone grabbed from behind scaring the living crap out of me.
"Hey there Shrimp,"
"Oh my God Jason. Don't do that, you scared the living shit outta me." I said tensing every mussel in my body. He gave me a huge hug, which was weird for us, and laughed, Gordon chuckling along with him. "Hey," I whined slightly in my cranky voice. You see the moment I got on the phone to Jason I barley got out my life is crap and I want to die stuff, and he booked the next flight he could. It was nice of him to come but that was just plain rudeness he coulda givin me a heart attack.
"ahh, poor baby." He said nearly mocking me, "Come on Shrimp you gotta carry my bags." He said taking my arm and dragging me along with him to the baggage claim.
"So how have you been Gordon?" Jason made casually conversation as we stood waiting for the bags to start coming.
"I'm good, how about you how's law school going?"
Jason gave a sheepish smile, "Ah it looks like I need to repeat a couple of classes. That's why I could just come out here no notice, I missed to much class trying to get all the folks business done." I nodded at him. I knew it was hard for him to do all the estate stuff, and he was just decent enough of an older brother that he handled almost everything.
"Yeah, that must have been rough. I wish we could of helped somehow." Gordon said looking at Jason with the utmost sincerity.
"You guys are doing more than enough taking in this little hooligan." He said pushing me playfully. Then he gave me another hug. Two public displays of affection in less than twenty minutes, What is going on?
He was being way to nice. I mean he was always nice when he felt bad but this was border lining a Brady Bunch moment. So naturally being a younger brother when a sweet caring moment arises I have to take the opportunity of ruining it, "Are you high or did you just get laid or something?" I asked grabbing the first of his bags off of the cart.
"You know I'm hurt by that," Jason said with enough emotion in his voice to fool just about any one. Not me I knew better, he was the best actor I'd ever meet and his specialty was tears.
"Oh just shut up," I said grabbing another bag, giving him one last eye roll and heading towards the exit.
"Now hold on one minute Adam. What are you doing? Your Brother was nice enough to come all the way down here, because he's concerned about you and you treat him like this?" Gordon said his voice rising steadily.
Jason tried to hold it as long as he could but burst out laughing around the time Gordon was talking about my "concerned brother". This time I joined in on the laughter. WE got in the car and I felt slightly more content with my life. Jason was the best big brother any one could ever had and I needed him. Not that I would ever tell him that. Jason and Gordon talked back and forth politely me remaining quite. We didn't get back to the house until eight.
"So what you wanna do tonight Shrimp?" Jason asked trying to keep his playful attitude up. But I know my older brother and I know he's completely wiped out from traveling.
"Uh, I'm pretty tired, if it's alright with you I'm just going to go take a shower and head to bed." He looked at me very relived and smiled.
"Yeah that's fine." I nodded heading back to my room to hang out for a while. I finished up my homework and took a nice hot shower. I had school Tommrow and practice afterwards. The first game of the season is in three days and I still can't get my act together. I settled into my bed but just couldn't sleep instead I laid there stressing until three in the morning when I finally fell into a restless sleep.
So instead I sat there lost in my own thoughts. Gordon came in and sat down on the coffee table in front of me. "I'm heading out to the airport, wanna come along?"
"Yeah," I said simply pulling myself from my spot and grabbing a light jacket. I meet him down at the car. We sat in an awkward silence, him not knowing what to say, me not really caring. The airport was forty minutes away so this was going to be a long haul of silence. He flipped on the radio but I quickly turned it off.
"Can you pull over for a second?" I asked not believing I what I was about to say to him.
"Yeah, are you okay?" he asked pulling off onto the shoulder Looking mildly concerned.
"Look I know this whole thing is so messed up and I'm completely screwing up whatever kind of life you guys had. And I know you and I haven't gotten off on the right foot at all, and I've been thinking about it a lot, I guess I just need to say" I paused not knowing what to say next so I just opened my mouth and let it all come out. "I remember watching you and District 5, especially Charlie. He followed you around like a lost puppy, and now you guys are still so amazingly close.. And I want that, my Dad and I, well lets just say he never got me. I guess I'm trying to say first off that I'm sorry for putting you thought this and that I don't hate you. You get on my nerves but I guess I want what you and Charlie have.... and I officially fell like an idiot." I said looking down at my hands.
Gordon remained silent. I couldn't blame him. I don't even know how I would react to that, I just kind of rambled. Oh god I'm turning into Jason.
"Look just you don't have to tip toe around me anymore. I'm not mad at anyone I just need some time to figure what's going on, and what I'm going to do about it."
"You know Adam, we all want to help you thought this, I just don't know how. Some days it seems like you hate me while other days your annoyed with me and other days you completely ignore me. I don't know what you want me to do, but I'm not leaving you alone, not completely."
"That's good, because I really need you." I cut in. He looked up at me surprised. I smiled shyly it was the truth. "I just thought you should know it." I said shifting in my seat; I wasn't good at these warm touching moments. My family didn't believe in them. He nodded and started the car back up.
We fell back into the almost comforting silence. He kept giving me side- glances, like he was trying to figure out what the hell I was about. I wish I knew what I was all about. All I knew was that this wasn't what I'd bargained for.
The airport was a huge one and I was getting impatient. The plane was running late, and I was getting hungry. Gordon kept shifting his weight, which was making me even more nervous.
Someone grabbed from behind scaring the living crap out of me.
"Hey there Shrimp,"
"Oh my God Jason. Don't do that, you scared the living shit outta me." I said tensing every mussel in my body. He gave me a huge hug, which was weird for us, and laughed, Gordon chuckling along with him. "Hey," I whined slightly in my cranky voice. You see the moment I got on the phone to Jason I barley got out my life is crap and I want to die stuff, and he booked the next flight he could. It was nice of him to come but that was just plain rudeness he coulda givin me a heart attack.
"ahh, poor baby." He said nearly mocking me, "Come on Shrimp you gotta carry my bags." He said taking my arm and dragging me along with him to the baggage claim.
"So how have you been Gordon?" Jason made casually conversation as we stood waiting for the bags to start coming.
"I'm good, how about you how's law school going?"
Jason gave a sheepish smile, "Ah it looks like I need to repeat a couple of classes. That's why I could just come out here no notice, I missed to much class trying to get all the folks business done." I nodded at him. I knew it was hard for him to do all the estate stuff, and he was just decent enough of an older brother that he handled almost everything.
"Yeah, that must have been rough. I wish we could of helped somehow." Gordon said looking at Jason with the utmost sincerity.
"You guys are doing more than enough taking in this little hooligan." He said pushing me playfully. Then he gave me another hug. Two public displays of affection in less than twenty minutes, What is going on?
He was being way to nice. I mean he was always nice when he felt bad but this was border lining a Brady Bunch moment. So naturally being a younger brother when a sweet caring moment arises I have to take the opportunity of ruining it, "Are you high or did you just get laid or something?" I asked grabbing the first of his bags off of the cart.
"You know I'm hurt by that," Jason said with enough emotion in his voice to fool just about any one. Not me I knew better, he was the best actor I'd ever meet and his specialty was tears.
"Oh just shut up," I said grabbing another bag, giving him one last eye roll and heading towards the exit.
"Now hold on one minute Adam. What are you doing? Your Brother was nice enough to come all the way down here, because he's concerned about you and you treat him like this?" Gordon said his voice rising steadily.
Jason tried to hold it as long as he could but burst out laughing around the time Gordon was talking about my "concerned brother". This time I joined in on the laughter. WE got in the car and I felt slightly more content with my life. Jason was the best big brother any one could ever had and I needed him. Not that I would ever tell him that. Jason and Gordon talked back and forth politely me remaining quite. We didn't get back to the house until eight.
"So what you wanna do tonight Shrimp?" Jason asked trying to keep his playful attitude up. But I know my older brother and I know he's completely wiped out from traveling.
"Uh, I'm pretty tired, if it's alright with you I'm just going to go take a shower and head to bed." He looked at me very relived and smiled.
"Yeah that's fine." I nodded heading back to my room to hang out for a while. I finished up my homework and took a nice hot shower. I had school Tommrow and practice afterwards. The first game of the season is in three days and I still can't get my act together. I settled into my bed but just couldn't sleep instead I laid there stressing until three in the morning when I finally fell into a restless sleep.