Chapter 4 – Shining Bright

Buffy was nestled between her mates. She was warm and comfortable but her body was telling her she needed to get up and reluctantly she scooted out from between them and headed for the bathroom. By the time she had returned Spike and Angel had migrated toward each other and were sleeping cuddled together.  Smiling, Buffy put on Angel's discarded shirt and slipped from the room, closing the door behind her.

The last few hours had been beautiful as they had made love to Spike and then they had made love to her. But it bothered her that they had fallen asleep or rather she had fallen asleep before Angel had received his turn to be loved. He had surprised her with his declaration of waiting and his words resounded again in her mind.

"I want to say something. Something maybe I should have said before. I don't expect just because the soul is anchored that you make love to me. I want to be with you and please you but it's your choice and even then if all of us are not comfortable with it, it won't happen. I love the both of you more than I thought possible and I just want to be with you. And I am grateful for what I am given in this relationship."

He should expect her to make love to him.  She was making more of a deal about making love to the man she had been in love with for years than she had about giving her virginity to the vampire who had caused her so much heartache.

She sighed and opened the refrigerator. She grabbed a bottle of water and some yogurt before heading to the living room again. She turned the TV on as a distraction but her mind was still on the problem of her and her lovers. It scared her that maybe she had fallen more in love with Spike than Angel. This game they seemed to be playing of them versus Angel frightened her and it wasn't fair to any of them. She was torn trying to make them both happy and it wasn't right that she was more concerned about assuring Spike's happiness than Angel's.

Sitting the yogurt on the end table after realizing she was only playing with it, Buffy scooted down into the cushions and wrapped her arms around herself. Angel had been her boyfriend. The one that she had hung her moon and stars on, he was her hero. And though he still was, the shine was gone from their relationship. She knew him intimately and her feelings weren't the same as they were in the beginning.

"Hey," Angel said and she jumped from his sudden appearance. He had pulled his slacks on and hunkered down next to her. His hand pushed her hair from her face. "Are you okay?"

It was all it took before she launched herself at him and started to cry. She wrapped her arms tightly around him afraid he would disappear.

"Shhh, Buffy, what's wrong?"

Gone was the irritation he had showed to her recently. Gone was the impatience that had affected the attitude he had displayed and she only hung on tighter. Angel picked her up and settled her in his lap in his chair. His hands stroked her back when she buried her face in his neck.

"I love you, Angel, I do," Buffy whispered, through her tears. "I'm sorry that I can't be everything that you want me to be."

"I know you love me," Angel said, kissing her forehead. "Where is this coming from?"

"I've just been so confused lately. Everything is changing and…and I'm scared."

"So am I. Actually I'm terrified."

His confession shocked her. She knew he had been worried about things, uncertain about their relationship but he was Angel. He always handled things. He was always strong. And he was terrified? Buffy pulled back to search his face. It was there and probably had been if she had taken the time to look.

"You too?"

"Yeah," Angel said, giving a small smile, "me too."

"What are you scared of?"

Angel hesitated, looking anywhere but at her. Sighing, his eyes landed back on her face and his fingers traced a path along her jaw.

"Of losing you, of losing Spike," Angel whispered. "I'm scared that you'll realize that you only want Spike and that he'll feel the same. And that you'll forget me when I'm in Los Angeles and that you don't want to make love to me."

He knew and that scared her too. If she loved him the way she should then he wouldn't be feeling the lack of it. She had been so wrapped in her own insecurities she hadn't been thinking of trying to take care of him. Well, her own insecurities and Spike's. But Spike was so vocal in his confessions to her, in the middle of the night when it was just them, Spike would talk to her, tell her what he was feeling and she felt obligated, no she wanted to protect him. Except now Angel was telling her the same thing. It wasn't fair. Someone in this trio needed to be the strong one. Maybe it was up to her. Maybe she needed to push aside her own fears and concentrate on the two of them. Buffy swore then and there that she would take care of her vampires and try not to complain as much as she had been.

"I do want you, Angel," Buffy protested. "For almost three years I dreamed and fantasized about how you would be my first. Then you told me it was impossible," her fingers danced along the planes of his face, "that we could never make love and you gave me Spike. And for months now he's been the only one except for the foreplay and stuff. And all of a sudden it's like here and we can make love and I'm petrified."

"Are you scared of me? Because you shouldn't be," Angel said, his arm tightening around her while the other hand caressed her thigh in slow long strokes. "Or are you scared of hurting Spike? I know why you suggested we play the game."

"You do?"

"Yeah," Angel said, chuckling. "I'm not totally dense even though I'm not as emotionally outspoken as you two. I know that Spike has the same fears of you choosing me instead of him or me choosing you instead of him; whichever it works out the same. We are both afraid of losing each other and you."

"Are you mad about it?" Buffy asked, her fingers playing with the few hairs on his chest.

"A little hurt but I understand. I don't want either of you to feel left out."

"I feel the same way," Buffy whispered. "I'm so torn about things."

"We wait then," Angel said, "Until everyone is comfortable." He hesitated for a moment. "I know that Angelus hurt you. Do you want to talk about it?"

"It's just that," Buffy said, looking away from him. Her hand that had been caressing his chest dropped to her lap but she kept the one arm around his shoulder. "He kept saying we, like you or he wanted or were making plans for us having sex. Do you think I…well, that I'm…?"

Buffy studied his face as she asked. And she could see that what Angelus had was true. Angel did think she was acting too innocent. She tried to stand but Angel held her down.

"Buffy, I'm not going to lie to you. You don't want me to do that, do you?"

"No," Buffy answered, shaking her head. "I guess I don't. You think I'm being a goody by saying no to anal sex?"

"Hey, is someone getting buggered besides me?" Spike asked, walking across the living room confident in his nudity. He sat on the couch throwing his feet up on the table and lit a cigarette. "Angel is giving a sex lecture to the child and no one woke me up. Now if you want a proper talk on shagging you have to ask me."

"Funny, Spike, funny," Angel commented. "Buffy was asking me if I held the same views as Angelus."

"On buggering her? Well, go on talk; don't let me interfere in this stimulating conversation."

Buffy giggled. Spike's presence and blunt words had eased the tension. He winked at her as he took a drag of his cigarette. She shifted on Angel's lap twisting so she could see Spike so he could be included if he wanted to.

"Do you have to be crude? Buggering Buffy," Angel said, then cracked a smile. "It sounds like a porn movie."

After swatting him for his impropriety, Buffy waited for him to answer her question. Realizing that she was trying to be serious, Angel turned back to her.

"Buffy, I want you and yeah, I fantasize about making love to you." Angel said, hesitated and covered her hand with his. "If I could I'd have sex with you in just about anyway you'd let me including that sweet rounded bottom of yours."

"Do you like it?" Buffy asked, turning to Spike.

Spike ground out his cigarette and smiled at her.

"Look, I like it otherwise I wouldn't let anyone near my ass. Okay, Angel's been the only one who I've let do it and it started because he was my Sire and demanded it. But now," Spike shrugged his shoulders." Yeah I like it. It's part of being in a relationship with Angel and I love him. I don't know if I'd bend over for anyone else."

"And you?" Buffy asked Angel.

"I did it to show Spike how much I love him. He was considerate of that fact and he made it feel good. I'd let him do it again." Angel said, leaning his forehead against her. "And if you agree than you could have both of us at the same time."

"One Buffy sandwich," Spike joked.

Buffy and Angel broke out laughing. She kicked Spike's foot still resting on the table and he grinned at her.

"Higher," Spike said, using his hand to show her that he wanted her to lift her leg higher. As soon as she did, he cocked his head looking up the shirt she was wearing. "Yeah, here sweet kitty, show it to Daddy."

Buffy quickly brought her leg closer to her body again as Spike and Angel laughed. She broke out in giggles and squirmed a little on Angel's lap. All the talk about sex and Angel's continuous nonchalant caresses was turning her on. And they knew it. It was embarrassing sometimes that she couldn't hide it from them. Angel's hand was venturing further up her thigh and she decided to take a chance and she opened her legs for him. She saw the surprise in his eyes but his hand slipped between them and he sighed. She looked over at Spike expecting to see the hurt in his eyes but all she saw was desire.

"Ride it out," Spike said, his voice filled with lust. "Don't stop. I want to watch."

It was all she needed and she hadn't even known it. Spike had given his permission and it freed all the all pent up wanting in her. Buffy straddled Angel, rubbing her sex against his burgeoning erection while his hands cupped her bottom. The only thing between them was his slacks and it was too much. He pulled her to him in a kiss as her fingers struggled with the button. Almost there, just the zipper and he would be inside of her. Their tongues wrapped around each other as she slowly pulled the barrier down.

The phone rang and all three ignored it. Angel was lifting her. The answering machine picked up. He was there, so close, one downward movement and…

"Buffy, its Giles, pick up it's an emergency…."

To be continued in Chapter 5 – Points of View