Rise Up from the World We Know
Ryou had heard Bakura and Yami do a lot. He had heard them fuck, fight, joke – just once – sneer, scream for no reason other than screaming… but he had never heard them talk like civilized human beings. It seemed like a foreign concept, them conversing without blood or coming to blows.
Of course he had to listen! The low rumble of their voices came through the bedroom door, and he leaned close to it, closing his eyes as though it could help him make out their words better.
"…and he calls me confusing," Bakura growled. "I don't know what he wants, and even if I did, I doubt I could give it to him."
"Do you think I know?" Yami replied evenly. "I can only speculate."
"Then speculate out loud," Bakura demanded.
Yami heaved a sigh. "He wants you. That's all."
"That's all? Well, at the rate he's going, he'll be able to jerk off happily soon." Bakura's tone was dark, and Ryou furrowed his brow in confusion. Was Bakura insinuating that Ryou was… like him?
"Doesn't that make you happy?" Yami said; he almost sounded bitter. "You always say you want him to toughen up."
"Well, I – "
While it was tempting to sit there and listen to them go back and forth, Ryou decided it was going to be better to get in there and ask his questions while they already sounded like they were in a contemplative mood. He opened the door, and both spirits looked up at him in surprise. Bakura was sitting in the open window, and Yami was on the floor.
"Would someone – and I don't really care who – tell me what's going on?" he asked, closing the door and dropping onto his bed. "If you're going to talk about being confused, I want to be part of it; I'm just as lost."
Bakura huffed and moved to leave, but Yami snapped, "Stay." His voice took on what Ryou supposed was his king-of-the-world tone as he continued, "For a man who was complaining, you're too rash. There's no reason to throw away this opportunity."
"Please, Bakura," Ryou said. Maybe he was begging. Maybe he sounded like a fool. But damn it, he was having the weirdest day of his life, and he wanted to bring some of that to rest.
"And why should you care if I'm here or not?" Bakura snapped.
"Because Yami's right." Ryou didn't think about those words before he said them, and guessing by Bakura's expression, they weren't the best choice. "I just want you."
"Why?"
"I don't know why."
"Then ask him," Bakura spat, gesturing towards Yami. "He likes to pretend he knows the answers to everything." With that he stormed out; Ryou listened as his feet stomped on each stair. When Ryou finally heard the door slam, he looked pleadingly to Yami.
"What do I do now?" Bitterness seeped into his words. "Do I leave him to himself again?"
"Why do you people always ask me like I know – I was Pharaoh, not psychic." For the first time, Yami sounded frustrated. "But apparently my guesses count for something, so I'll tell you what I always tell him: stop pussyfooting around each other and say something you mean. You're silent, and he's… well, its hard to find a word for him that isn't insulting but isn't flattering. But what you don't seem to understand is..." Yami sighed and stood, going to the window that Bakura had vacated and leaning against the sill. "Think of your life as a story. Each year writes a new chapter, builds new meanings… You are a complete story on your own, little one."
Ryou wasn't in the mood for psychobabble – he just wanted answers. "Where is this going?"
"Bakura fits into your story, right? He's a defining part of it, but without him, you'd still be a complete story. It wouldn't be the same story, but you'd still be whole."
"No, I don't think that's true. I couldn't be complete without…" Ryou couldn't bring himself to finish the sentence; it sounded too weirdly devoted.
"That's where you're wrong, and confused – you're talking about your heart, and I mean literally. If he were gone tomorrow, your life would continue, but if you died tomorrow, he'd die with you."
The way Ryou saw that, it was the single most depressing thing he had ever heard. "So I'm only important to him because he can't live without me in a literal sense?"
"That's a question for Bakura to answer – I don't know all his methods, and certainly not his reasons." Yami moved again, sat on the bed beside Ryou and caressed his back, almost like he was petting him. "But your stories ARE intertwined, and without one, the other would lose some meaning. Take some solace in that."
The hand on Ryou's back was oddly comforting, and entirely confusing. When had Yami gotten so insistent on touching him? And why didn't it bother him a little more?
"What do you really want from me? Am I just a cuddlier extension of Bakura?"
Yami continued stroking Ryou's back in momentary silence. "No. You're the opposite of Bakura; you should know that. No matter how alike you two can become, in the end you'll always be opposites."
It took Ryou a minute to understand. He was the opposite of Bakura, and Yami was like Bakura… In theory, that made him the opposite of Yami as well. There was only one other person… "I'm like Yuugi, right? A substitute hikari?" It felt weird to use the word to refer to himself, but Ryou didn't know a better word – after hearing himself called it so often, it felt right.
"You're a lovely boy," Yami added. He didn't sound regretful. That was a little reassuring; Ryou didn't know if he could handle guilt. Then again, he doubted Yami was capable of it.
"You just find what I am more alluring than who I am," Ryou finished, flopping onto his back. Without hesitating Yami's hand moved to the teen's stomach. Ryou wondered if he should stop talking while he was ahead, or if it would be best to finish his thoughts… Then again, hadn't part of Yami's advice been for him to stop being so silent? After a second Ryou continued, "Whatever. I guess I'm okay with that – after all, it's not like I harbor any great love for you either. I just happen to like you in bed. And you're not bad to talk to, I suppose."
He could hear the amusement in Yami's voice: "Sounds like a truce."
Ryou could handle that. "Yeah. Our only common link is Bakura. I love him – what's your claim?"
"I understand him." Yami's tone turned slightly wistful as he continued, "We come from the same time, suffer a similar fate – we're probably the only thing we understand in this world. Between us, there's no new territory for us to map, no new feelings to discover – "
"You still hate each other?" Ryou asked incredulously.
"Yes," Yami answered without a second's hesitation. "He hates me for all I am, all the ways I better him, and I hate him for his arrogance and foolishness. But we still need each other to keep some semblance of sanity."
"Why sex? Why not just drink tea and watch soap operas like normal people?"
"Because this world, this life, it's beyond surreal – some days, it feels like a dream, or a horrible nightmare. All the sex… Well, it feels good, but it also reminds us of the crucial fact that we're really alive."
Ryou blinked. He'd never even thought that they'd feel so strangely about sex… "Yami, I…"
"Don't worry," Yami interrupted. "If you're still counting on my knowledge, I think its time for you to go talk to Bakura."
"Why now?"
"Because he's been sitting in the backyard for fifteen minutes, and he only does things like that when he's actually upset."
Ryou sat up and stretched slightly, mulling over Yami's words. He looked over, and was almost surprised to find that the spirit didn't look sad. Had their roles been switched, and Ryou been the one telling such a story… How did they stand it? "Thank you," he said softly. It was all he could think to say.
Yami only nodded, and Ryou left him in the bedroom.
It turned out that Yami was right – Bakura was sitting in the backyard, staring off towards the sunset. Ryou walked forward and took a seat beside him, looking off in the same general direction. Bakura was so focused that Ryou suspected he was missing whatever the spirit was gazing at.
"It was much prettier when I was young," Bakura said absently. "Sometimes I hate this place. It lacks the utter brilliance that I remember from… before, and I had never bothered looked very hard."
"It looks good to me," Ryou replied softly.
"That's because you don't know any better," Bakura huffed. "So I bet he told you the story analogy, right?"
"Yes."
Bakura snorted. "Pompous fuck – he loves that one. Spent an entire night rambling about it."
"Bakura… Would you be happier if you weren't dependent on me? If you could just get up and go wherever you wanted without being tied to me, would that be better?"
"No." Bakura's voice took on a slightly soft tone, like when he had kissed Ryou earlier that morning.
"You don't act it. You act like being around me is some situation you have to make the best of – and believe me, you tend to get the best of me."
At those words Bakura closed his eyes. "I hate seeing you so easily broken."
"You're the one who puts me in that position."
"I need to… I need to know that I can. But everyday you get a little more sarcastic, a little more defiant – a little more like me."
"Have you ever felt like you don't know where you start and Bakura begins?"
"That should make you happy, if you hate seeing me broken. No one ever breaks you."
"But I don't want you to be like me, don't you understand that?" Bakura snarled. Despite every defensive instinct in him, Ryou didn't back away. Slowly, Bakura turned to look at him, and his face was almost frighteningly serious. "I don't want a reflection of myself."
"Y-you… You're such a contradiction!" Ryou burst. "Why can't you just tell me something outright? I'll even start and say something straightforward first. All I ever want to do…" Ryou bit his lip and looked away from Bakura. Despite his declaration, the bravery in his words, he was afraid to say it at all. Still, he said it, his voice barely above a whisper: "All I ever want to do I think you love me."
Nothing seemed to move for a full minute. The only sound was the wind.
And then a strong arm wrapped around his shoulder and pulled him close; Ryou blinked, unable to comprehend what was happening, being held by Bakura… The closest he had come to being held was after sex, late at night… if he was lucky. Bakura leaned against him, cheek against Ryou's hair.
"Bakura – "
"Shh," Bakura interrupted. "Didn't you say that this sunset always seemed just fine to you? You can think it beautiful without ever wondering what you may have missed. Maybe you're right, maybe you're better to be content with what you know and not seek something intangible, something that can never be." His grip on Ryou tightened.
Something intangible that could never be – it was a metaphor if Ryou had ever heard one, and not a very reassuring one. "In other words, I shouldn't expect more from you than sex."
"Did I say that?" Bakura asked. "I was talking about the sunset." They were quiet for a while, Ryou in near hopelessness, and Bakura… Well, in whatever it was Bakura did when he was quiet. Maybe he was plotting, or maybe he was thinking – or maybe for Bakura, there wasn't really a difference. "So that's all you want, huh?" Ryou looked up at him. He was surprised that Bakura was considering something that he was wanted.
"Well… Yeah," Ryou admitted.
"You're smart. You should always follow what you think, hikari – you'll probably be right."
It took Ryou a moment, but he realized what Bakura was trying to tell him – stop asking questions and accept that Bakura cared more than he said.
He was telling Ryou to have faith, something he had so quickly scorned just the night before.
It brought a small smile to Ryou's lips. Maybe his only option was to accept the irony, accept that Bakura wouldn't change – maybe Bakura simply couldn't change. Either way, no matter how foolish he was, Ryou loved him just the same. He leaned comfortably against the spirit, not wanting to waste a perfect moment.
No more words passed between them as they watched the sunset.
notes
note on title: I wanted to use a line from the song the title of the story came from, and I thought this one fit pretty well, given the weird nature of the chapter. ^^;
Did this chapter make any sense? I sure hope so, considering that it's more or less the ending. x.x I hope it didn't disappoint; I rather like how it turned out, overall. But I spent forever looking over it again and again, trying to make sure it made sense and
I don't know if everyone realized it (or if I already mentioned it ^^;), but this entire story spans about a day and a half – the prologue + first two chapters being the half, then the rest being the other day. Weird.