Title: Remembrance
Author: Dina
E-mail: nyaliss@hotmail.com
Disclaimer: I do not, I never have and never will own Sailor Moon.
Life is unfair like that. -__-
Author's Notes:
Dedicated to my mother and every woman who has ever loved and been
loved by a child. There are many stories like this one, some might
even say there are too many like it; however, most of us will find
ourselves doing the same thing and, perhaps, thinking some of the
same thoughts. It doesn't quite express all that I wish to, but it
is still more than enough.
I miss you mom.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
. . .for you. . .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"It's been a while, hasn't it?"
I shifted my weight uncomfortably from foot to foot, wondering why
the first words out of my mouth were so trite, so typical, so unsure.
One would think that after all these years, I would have learned how
to communicate better. There were just some emotions that could not
be put into words. The more I wanted to open my mouth and let them
pour out, the harder it was to find my voice. My tongue felt like
lead inside my mouth, my throat was suddenly parched and my hands
tightened convulsively around the stems of the flowers I held in
my hand.
I glanced up and away from the blossoms and up at the clear sapphire
sky and studied the clouds that drifted lazily past, barely skimming
the brilliant face of the sun. The smell of newly cut grass was rich
in the air. It mingled with the scent of the dying spring, wafting
up my nostrils and making my head spin. It was not an unpleasant
sensation.
I cleared my throat, bit my lower lip, and tried to speak again.
"I'm doing okay," I murmured around the half-hearted smile that
touched my face ever so briefly. I didn't know if I said that to
reassure myself. There was the tiniest hint of a plea in my voice.
I knew there would be no answer so I paused and then attempted to
continue the one-sided conversation.
The tears that suddenly clogged up in my throat choked me into
silence.
There were very few things I regret about my youth. I took a deep
shuddering breath and with a wistful sound, released it. I lifted
a hand to my chest and clutched it into a fist. My heart ached.
I bent to kneel on the ground, wondering if it was only I that heard
the creak of my bones. The breeze blew past, whispering soothingly
into my ears and easing the prick of tears from my eyes.
There was comfort here. It was a pale shadow to the one I'd known
and now longed for, but it was there and I was grateful for it.
I brought my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them,
hugging them to me.
"I wish," I said softly, the words immediately carried from my lips
by the lingering breeze. "I wish I'd known you more." I laughed
softly, mirthlessly. That was a funny thing to say, I suppose, but
the wish burned into my mind. As I have said before, there were very
few things I did regret about my childhood.
Not realizing how much I'd miss you was one of them.
A child was funny that way. I wanted to grow up so badly, to be on
my own. I resented the scoldings, the gentle reprimands, the harsh
punishments. Well, I saw them as harsh at the time. I didn't believe
when I was told they were for my own good. I resisted, fought, accepted
and always thought that the steady, unconditional love that was the
foundation of my home would always be there.
I found others to love outside of my family. In some ways, they
became my family. Everything, I thought, would be okay as long
as these people were by my side. Family faded more and more into
the background. I fought on, surrounded by my friends whom I call
sisters and supported by my beloved. I fought to save the very thing
that was slipping right through my fingers without my knowing it.
I fought for many reasons, but in many ways I fought for you.
For the pancakes you made every morning and the lunches you
carefully packed each school day.
For the way you wore your hair and the smell of the newly washed
clothes you folded so neatly.
For the understanding, irritation, laughter, pain, affection
and anger in your voice.
For everything about you.
I fought for the gentleness of your smile, the care in your hands
and the love that always shone in your eyes.
I fought for every person you stood for.
And after every battle, you were there to welcome me home. You
never asked, never pushed, never demanded. You simply waited in
silence for the explanation you trusted I would give you.
You were there. Always there.
The memories of those days never failed to lift my soul. I
reached down to pluck at the grass, my thoughts trickling to
silence. Peace settled around my shoulders and eased the tension
from my frame. I was at ease now, relaxed for the first time
since I got up this morning with the knowledge that I would be
here today.
"I understand now," I raised my chin from my knees and straightened
ever so slightly, my eyes focused on a blurry dot in the distance
that looked like it could have been a tree.
The years flew by so quickly, didn't they? It was as if only a
moment passed between the time the doctor first settled me into
your arms and the day I was being walked down the aisle. There
was never enough time. There were instances when I would catch
you looking at me with a sadness in your eyes, a wistful smile
on your lips. Then I would blink and the expression would melt
away so fast I thought I'd simply imagined it.
But I didn't, did I?
How many times did you look at me and miss the baby I once was?
Did you ever wonder what happened to the toddler that clung to
your skirt, unwilling to let you out of her sight because you
were everything to her?
I didn't know what people meant when they said that children
grew up too fast. I couldn't grow up fast enough in my eyes.
I didn't realize that your heart might have ached as you wished
that you could hold your baby just one last time, as a little
girl with wide blue eyes and a perfect smile broken by a missing
tooth here or there.
I understand that feeling now.
I am one of those women who gaze at her child and smile with
pride at how much she has grown even as the breath hitches in
my chest and I feel a sudden longing to snatch her up in my
arms and never let go. Many moments I myself have wished that
she would remain a child, forever at my side. However, I know
she must grow up. Time has resumed for her again. Her body is
beginning to catch up with her mind. It has been a long, long
time since my daughter was really a child despite her apearance.
I am grateful to have been given so much time to be with her.
How many years did you have?
Too few.
Always too few.
I remembered the flowers that were still by my side and picked
them up only to put them back down again on the headstone. I
smiled. I still could not talk, could not think, what it was
I felt but I knew you heard me and smiled back.
"The memory of your loss is vague now," I told the name carved
with painstaking care into the marble. The sharp grief that
had overwhelmed me at the news was a faint echo that was swiftly
fading.
It was true. I never truly appreciated what I had until I'd lost
it and there was no way of getting it back. A part of me died that
day. The little girl within me will never stop missing her mommy.
I refuse to let her. I will never forget.
I touched my fingers on my lips and then skimmed them over the
stone before rising to my feet and turning to look over my shoulder.
A shining city rose up against the horizon.
"There hasn't been any battles for a long time," I told the wind,
the sky, the sun, and my mother. "But I know my city will one
day fall. This is the way of the Universe. Everything has a
beginning and everything must have an end."
I, too, will one day die. However, I am certain that before that
day, or soon after it, I must fight again. Perhaps in my next life
or perhaps in this one, I don't know when. I only know I must.
This was the path I'd chosen for myself. I know that somewhere
my mother was proud.
"I will do my best," I promised her as I have promised countless
times before. "For you." With a little wave, I walked away.
I'll be back again. No matter how far I've gone, how long I've
been away or who I have become, I always return to the beginning.
Why? To remember the ones that loved me for being me. Neo-Queen
Serenity I may be now and loved by many, but once upon a time I
was simply Tsukino Usagi. My family, my mother, loved me no less
for being a simple, klutzy girl with below average grades.
It was because of that love that I am who I am today.
I paused before stepping into the arms of the man who was my
soulmate and glanced back.
"Mamma?"
A smile, painfully tender, curved my lips. I turned to face
the child who had spoken and bent to gather her gently into my arms.
I felt my husband's arm encircle my waist as I rose. We stood like
that for a moment before we began the short walk home.
________________________________________________________________
More Author's Notes:
Yes, I have been missing in action recently haven't I? I've been
in boot camp. ;p No! I'm quite serious. *sage nod*
The fourth chapter of The Rose should be up. . . soon. I am rewriting
it again. I'm very frustrated with it. *bewildered* It just won't
turn out right. I will hopefully get my muses back. One of them has
already returned. He's an elf with long rainbow-colored hair. He loves
chocolate cake. He is aptly named Skittles. Skit for short. He's the
happy one. Dina is not working well with the cheerful muse who thinks
Chocobo music is classical music.
In fact, Dina may just want to stuff him down the bathroom sink.
*insane cackle*
*blinks* Uhhh. . . I'm gonna go eat a cookie. . .
*mutters and stomps off*
Always,
Dina
Author: Dina
E-mail: nyaliss@hotmail.com
Disclaimer: I do not, I never have and never will own Sailor Moon.
Life is unfair like that. -__-
Author's Notes:
Dedicated to my mother and every woman who has ever loved and been
loved by a child. There are many stories like this one, some might
even say there are too many like it; however, most of us will find
ourselves doing the same thing and, perhaps, thinking some of the
same thoughts. It doesn't quite express all that I wish to, but it
is still more than enough.
I miss you mom.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
. . .for you. . .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"It's been a while, hasn't it?"
I shifted my weight uncomfortably from foot to foot, wondering why
the first words out of my mouth were so trite, so typical, so unsure.
One would think that after all these years, I would have learned how
to communicate better. There were just some emotions that could not
be put into words. The more I wanted to open my mouth and let them
pour out, the harder it was to find my voice. My tongue felt like
lead inside my mouth, my throat was suddenly parched and my hands
tightened convulsively around the stems of the flowers I held in
my hand.
I glanced up and away from the blossoms and up at the clear sapphire
sky and studied the clouds that drifted lazily past, barely skimming
the brilliant face of the sun. The smell of newly cut grass was rich
in the air. It mingled with the scent of the dying spring, wafting
up my nostrils and making my head spin. It was not an unpleasant
sensation.
I cleared my throat, bit my lower lip, and tried to speak again.
"I'm doing okay," I murmured around the half-hearted smile that
touched my face ever so briefly. I didn't know if I said that to
reassure myself. There was the tiniest hint of a plea in my voice.
I knew there would be no answer so I paused and then attempted to
continue the one-sided conversation.
The tears that suddenly clogged up in my throat choked me into
silence.
There were very few things I regret about my youth. I took a deep
shuddering breath and with a wistful sound, released it. I lifted
a hand to my chest and clutched it into a fist. My heart ached.
I bent to kneel on the ground, wondering if it was only I that heard
the creak of my bones. The breeze blew past, whispering soothingly
into my ears and easing the prick of tears from my eyes.
There was comfort here. It was a pale shadow to the one I'd known
and now longed for, but it was there and I was grateful for it.
I brought my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them,
hugging them to me.
"I wish," I said softly, the words immediately carried from my lips
by the lingering breeze. "I wish I'd known you more." I laughed
softly, mirthlessly. That was a funny thing to say, I suppose, but
the wish burned into my mind. As I have said before, there were very
few things I did regret about my childhood.
Not realizing how much I'd miss you was one of them.
A child was funny that way. I wanted to grow up so badly, to be on
my own. I resented the scoldings, the gentle reprimands, the harsh
punishments. Well, I saw them as harsh at the time. I didn't believe
when I was told they were for my own good. I resisted, fought, accepted
and always thought that the steady, unconditional love that was the
foundation of my home would always be there.
I found others to love outside of my family. In some ways, they
became my family. Everything, I thought, would be okay as long
as these people were by my side. Family faded more and more into
the background. I fought on, surrounded by my friends whom I call
sisters and supported by my beloved. I fought to save the very thing
that was slipping right through my fingers without my knowing it.
I fought for many reasons, but in many ways I fought for you.
For the pancakes you made every morning and the lunches you
carefully packed each school day.
For the way you wore your hair and the smell of the newly washed
clothes you folded so neatly.
For the understanding, irritation, laughter, pain, affection
and anger in your voice.
For everything about you.
I fought for the gentleness of your smile, the care in your hands
and the love that always shone in your eyes.
I fought for every person you stood for.
And after every battle, you were there to welcome me home. You
never asked, never pushed, never demanded. You simply waited in
silence for the explanation you trusted I would give you.
You were there. Always there.
The memories of those days never failed to lift my soul. I
reached down to pluck at the grass, my thoughts trickling to
silence. Peace settled around my shoulders and eased the tension
from my frame. I was at ease now, relaxed for the first time
since I got up this morning with the knowledge that I would be
here today.
"I understand now," I raised my chin from my knees and straightened
ever so slightly, my eyes focused on a blurry dot in the distance
that looked like it could have been a tree.
The years flew by so quickly, didn't they? It was as if only a
moment passed between the time the doctor first settled me into
your arms and the day I was being walked down the aisle. There
was never enough time. There were instances when I would catch
you looking at me with a sadness in your eyes, a wistful smile
on your lips. Then I would blink and the expression would melt
away so fast I thought I'd simply imagined it.
But I didn't, did I?
How many times did you look at me and miss the baby I once was?
Did you ever wonder what happened to the toddler that clung to
your skirt, unwilling to let you out of her sight because you
were everything to her?
I didn't know what people meant when they said that children
grew up too fast. I couldn't grow up fast enough in my eyes.
I didn't realize that your heart might have ached as you wished
that you could hold your baby just one last time, as a little
girl with wide blue eyes and a perfect smile broken by a missing
tooth here or there.
I understand that feeling now.
I am one of those women who gaze at her child and smile with
pride at how much she has grown even as the breath hitches in
my chest and I feel a sudden longing to snatch her up in my
arms and never let go. Many moments I myself have wished that
she would remain a child, forever at my side. However, I know
she must grow up. Time has resumed for her again. Her body is
beginning to catch up with her mind. It has been a long, long
time since my daughter was really a child despite her apearance.
I am grateful to have been given so much time to be with her.
How many years did you have?
Too few.
Always too few.
I remembered the flowers that were still by my side and picked
them up only to put them back down again on the headstone. I
smiled. I still could not talk, could not think, what it was
I felt but I knew you heard me and smiled back.
"The memory of your loss is vague now," I told the name carved
with painstaking care into the marble. The sharp grief that
had overwhelmed me at the news was a faint echo that was swiftly
fading.
It was true. I never truly appreciated what I had until I'd lost
it and there was no way of getting it back. A part of me died that
day. The little girl within me will never stop missing her mommy.
I refuse to let her. I will never forget.
I touched my fingers on my lips and then skimmed them over the
stone before rising to my feet and turning to look over my shoulder.
A shining city rose up against the horizon.
"There hasn't been any battles for a long time," I told the wind,
the sky, the sun, and my mother. "But I know my city will one
day fall. This is the way of the Universe. Everything has a
beginning and everything must have an end."
I, too, will one day die. However, I am certain that before that
day, or soon after it, I must fight again. Perhaps in my next life
or perhaps in this one, I don't know when. I only know I must.
This was the path I'd chosen for myself. I know that somewhere
my mother was proud.
"I will do my best," I promised her as I have promised countless
times before. "For you." With a little wave, I walked away.
I'll be back again. No matter how far I've gone, how long I've
been away or who I have become, I always return to the beginning.
Why? To remember the ones that loved me for being me. Neo-Queen
Serenity I may be now and loved by many, but once upon a time I
was simply Tsukino Usagi. My family, my mother, loved me no less
for being a simple, klutzy girl with below average grades.
It was because of that love that I am who I am today.
I paused before stepping into the arms of the man who was my
soulmate and glanced back.
"Mamma?"
A smile, painfully tender, curved my lips. I turned to face
the child who had spoken and bent to gather her gently into my arms.
I felt my husband's arm encircle my waist as I rose. We stood like
that for a moment before we began the short walk home.
________________________________________________________________
More Author's Notes:
Yes, I have been missing in action recently haven't I? I've been
in boot camp. ;p No! I'm quite serious. *sage nod*
The fourth chapter of The Rose should be up. . . soon. I am rewriting
it again. I'm very frustrated with it. *bewildered* It just won't
turn out right. I will hopefully get my muses back. One of them has
already returned. He's an elf with long rainbow-colored hair. He loves
chocolate cake. He is aptly named Skittles. Skit for short. He's the
happy one. Dina is not working well with the cheerful muse who thinks
Chocobo music is classical music.
In fact, Dina may just want to stuff him down the bathroom sink.
*insane cackle*
*blinks* Uhhh. . . I'm gonna go eat a cookie. . .
*mutters and stomps off*
Always,
Dina