This is What You Get for Writing Fanfiction
Attack of the slash-hatters
Disclaimer: I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh or Popsicles, which Microsoft Word felt the need to make me capitalize. I don't think I even have any Popsicles in the house right now. ;_;
And if I owned Microsoft Word, I wouldn't be writing this right now. I would instead be engaged in some grotesque waste of money, like paying someone $600,000 to marry a cardboard cutout. [1]
*tears of happiness* People are actually following this…
To the Reviewers:
HA HA HA, yes, I am Evil. Ra protect me from writers' block, lest I face the Wrath of Rohan's sennen rod! By the way, you are my hero.
And how does Bakura know about 14th century Italian literature? Well Kasumi, if you were stuck in a ring for a few thousand years, what would you do? Play Tetris?
Thank yous and Cadbury eggs to all that actually bothered to check back and review (Artemis and Anya, Wrath of Rohan, ShiroiYami)… and to anyone else who actually clicked on my story! (TypoNumber5, yugioh forever, Watcher of Darkness, Kasumi and cazcaz). Yay! (I would give you marshmallow peeps, but some people think those are kinda nasty. I will not force-feed you peeps.)
Feel free to make any criticisms or suggestions, especially annoyingly specific ones.
Here we go:
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On the first gate of the first circle of Fanfiction Hell is inscribed the word…
…"BASH."
Anzu: …Bash?
Otogi: Well, that sounds ominous.
Anzu: You don't know what it means?
Otogi: What do I look like, some kind of Wiseman?
Kaiba: We would never mistake you for one of those.
Jounouchi: Some guide you are!
Bakura: We've already established his ineptitude. (Moves toward gate and takes the handle)
Honda: What are you doing?
Bakura: (Looks over his shoulder and smiles, eyes glinting) There's only one way to know what's on the other side.
Yugi: Wait! Bakura -!
Too late! Bakura pulls open the gate. There's a blinding flash of light-
-and they find themselves in a zoo. In fact, there's a large sign arcing over their heads that reads: Zoo.
Otogi: Hmm… we appear to be in a zoo.
Malik: Ah, jus' give up already!
Jounouchi: Oh, Malik - I almost forgot you were here.
Malik: You wish.
Anzu: Somebody else drag him - I'm getting tired.
Malik: Then just let go of me! (his shirt twists in Anzu's hands as he struggles to get away)
Outraged voices: Let go of Malik-sama!!!
Whole group: eh?
Two infuriated-looking girls charge at the group and steal Malik away from Anzu before anyone has time to blink.
Three more appear and carry off Bakura.
Bakura: Oi! What do you think you're doing?!
Bakura Kidnapper #1: (turns to Bakura and smiles while closing eyes in ultra-shojo fashion) ^.^ Hee hee! We're rescuing you!
Bakura: Rescuing me from what?!
Bakura Kidnapper #2: (blushes) Well, we're really kidnapping you…
Bakura Kidnapper #3: But we're also rescuing you in advance!
Bakura: What are you… (the girls giggle) Ah, I can't deal with this! (The Millennium Ring flashes and Bakura switches with his Hikari).
Ryou: (blinks. Notices his captors and blushes) Um, hello… if I've said anything rude to you just now, I really didn't mean it, so if you'll let me go…
Bakura Kidnapper#1: Sorry honey! It's for your own good!
Malik: (sticks his tongue out at Anzu as he is carried away) Ha! I'm gettin' outta here!
Yugi: What exactly does he mean?
Jounouchi: (looks ill –thinking to himself) Malik must be pretty drunk if he thinks those girls are cute… (to the group) I think I'd rather face whatever those two were "rescued" from than stick around here. Hey! Llamas!
Jounouchi dashes to the llama pen, but gets a little too excited and soon his head is stuck between the bars of the fence. One of the llamas, irritated at the disturbance, begins to gnaw on Jounouchi's head.
Jounouchi: AAAAAAHH! Llama spit!
Yugi: Jounouchi!
Yugi hurries to help Jounouchi. Unfortunately, on his way he is run over by an ice cream cart.
Ice Cream Man: (cart goes BUMP) Hm? Oh, hey there, didn't see ya. Gee, that looks serious… well, sorry kid. Want an ice cream bar?
Yugi: (clamps a hand over his side to still the bleeding) Yeah, okay… (takes ice cream bar and munches it half-heartedly)
Ice Cream Man: That'll be $4.95.
Yugi: What! You ran over me and you want me to pay five bucks for an ice cream bar!
Bakura Kidnapper #1: It's alright man, we'll pay for it.
Malik Kidnapper #1: In fact, we'd like some ice cream over here!
The kidnapper girls are sitting down on some nice benches in the shade with their captives. They buy Malik and Bakura Popsicles.
Malik: (Happily eating Popsicle) So, what exactly is going on here?
Malik Kidnapper #2: You mean you haven't guessed yet? This is a bashing fanfiction!
Malik: Ah. That explains the gate.
Ryou: So, why aren't we getting "bashed?"
Bakura Kidnapper #2: Silly! You've got too many rabid fangirls for that.
Bakura Kidnapper #3: That's us!
Ryou: Hm. (Sucks on Popsicle)
Meanwhile, the rest of the group is in a panic, trying to get Jounouchi unstuck and Yugi un-bleeding. All except for Kaiba of course, who just stands there and appears to be somewhat amused. But we all know he'll get his.
Zookeeper: Ahh! Look out everyone!
Otogi: What is it?
Zookeeper: The hippos have escaped! They're on the loose!
Otogi: Hippos? What's so bad about hippos? They're kinda cute!
Anzu: Otogi, have you ever seen a hippo in real life?
Otogi: (mumbles) Um, sort of… well… I used to have a stuffed one…
Anzu: Well, stuffed bears are cute too. Real hippos-
But before Anzu can finish her sentence, the real hippos demonstrate their fearsome power by eating Honda. Whole.
Honda: AAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmm…….!!!
Anzu: Honda! (beats the side of the hippo with her fists) Give Honda back!
In response the hippo charges at Anzu, who is thrown backward into a souvenir stand. Yugi runs to her aid but wobbles and passes out from blood loss before reaching her. Anzu attempts to untangle herself from the mass of Velcro-armed door-hanger lemurs. Several are caught in her hair.
Anzu: Otogi! Run! The hippos!
Otogi spins around to find that one of the hippos is right behind him. He screams and sprints for the nearest cover, which happens to be a fondue cart. He launches headlong into the cart and is a human fondue within seconds. The cart pusher and several people waiting in line are also streaked with cheese.
Otogi: Ah!! Hot! It burns! (Does a burning-man cheese dance)
Malik laughs. The kidnapper girls giggle and buy more ice cream.
Ryou: (Somewhat distressed) Um, I think there's blood in my ice cream…
Ice Cream Man: Whoa, sorry about that. Must have been from that kid I bumped into. I'll get you another one.
Bakura: (*FLASH*) Actually, there's no need, thank you. (Devours bloody ice cream ravenously)
Bakura kidnapper #1: (sigh) The psycho one is so sexy…
Meanwhile, Kaiba still seems vaguely amused. Malik grows irritated with Kaiba's complacency and throws the remainder of his Popsicle at him. Sensing sugar, a swarm of army ants assaults Kaiba. He runs in a blind panic and dives into a stream full of piranhas, which devour most of his flesh, but don't quite kill him in time for him to be spared the fury of several wrathful, genetically enhanced coffee makers.
Anzu finally struggles out of the lemur pile. She glances helplessly at the various plights of her friends; the lemurs stuck in her hair swish dramatically around her head. She rushes over to where Malik, Bakura, and the girls are sitting down, quietly enjoying their sugar.
Anzu: Bakura! (grabs Bakura by the collar) You have to help us! What's wrong with you! Your friends are in danger and you're eating ice cream! Friends are always there for each other –
BANG. Bakura shoots Anzu in the head.
Bakura: I'm bored.
EXPLODING HIPPO SOUND. The hippo that ate Honda spontaneously explodes. Hippo shrapnel takes out many of the surrounding tourists (any that were left, anyway) and the Ice Cream Man loses an eye. Honda flies into Otogi and sticks to him with hippo guts and still-warm cheese. Anzu gets back to her feet, a little confused.
Bakura: What?! You're dead!
Anzu: Hey, I guess you can't really die in Hell.
Malik: Ha! She's got you there!
Bakura takes an ice cream from one of the fangirls and chucks it at Malik.
Malik: (Ice cream dripping down his face) I'm tired of this place.
Malik Kidnapper #2: Oh! Do you want to leave?
Malik: Yes… do you know the way out?
Malik Kidnapper #1: Yeah, we know the way out. (Winks suspiciously at MK#2) We can take you there… (Scoots closer to Malik)
Malik: (a little nervous) Ah, um, so you heard the announcement too…
Malik is somewhat unenthused, as the drunkenness is slowly wearing off and his captors are not so attractive. Bakura seems to share the sentiment. He tries to shove his fangirls away in vain. Finally, in a desperate escape attempt Bakura takes the last remaining ice cream, mushes it into one of the girl's faces, and runs away. Malik shoots after him while the girls are still in shock. While running Bakura falls into a hole directly under the explosion site of the former hippo, and Malik trips in only steps behind.
Yugi revives and helps Anzu get Jounouchi out of the fence and unstick Honda and Otogi. The five of them gather up Kaiba's remains and piece him back together.
Anzu: I think that Bakura and Malik found the exit.
Honda: You mean, the hippo hole…?
Yugi: It's worth a shot. Let's go!
The remaining party jumps down the "hippo hole," and after landing they find themselves standing in front of another gate…
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[1] I must admit that this was actually my friend Ron's idea. In fact, his exact words were, "If I were Bill Gates…"
I don't even know what to say about this… except that hippos really are pretty violent. So just imagine what hell-hippos must be like!
In explanation: Of course, character bashing is a common spectacle on ff.net. But why not Bakura or Malik? Well, while I haven't seen any specific Yugi or Jounouchi bashing (though they might be out there), Bakura and Malik seem to be a special case. Bakura because, well, he's abused in his own special way (this will come up later ^-^), and Malik because – and this is truly baffling – despite the fact that he's a villain, I have yet to witness anything even close to insulting him. And it's not just that fans have a villain thing, because I have witnessed bashing of even the almighty Sephiroth form FFVII, and that's just wrong. I mean, (and this may be a dangerous thing to say here, but) Malik is nowhere as cool as Sephy. Not a chance.