by Abigail Nicole
no spoilers, PG, drama
Summary: "And I knew, after a while, that she would never come home." The people in the Matrix are still real.
Notes: A take on Trinity's mom, inspired by Blake/Bleak Reality's Missing Child. Good/sad fic. The 'mother the car is here' line is from a Tori Amos song called Mother. The 'i've been searching for this missing person' is from a Michael W. Smith song called Missing Person. The 'i don't understand if you really care' is from Stay by Lisa Loeb. All great songs.
Fourteen.
She was too young, too old. And she was too quiet. She lived in her world, outside our lines, and she was so mature and so childish. I watched her slip out like smoke between my fingers. And it hurt me.
"Where are you going?"
Her eyes, blue with cold. Her tone, too cold and clipped. "To my room."
"Why don't you come have dinner with me?"
She wouldn't, and we both knew it. But I wanted to see her and she knew it, and if we didn't eat dinner tonight we might take thirty years before we ever ate dinner together again.
"I have work," she said quietly.
And we didn't.
And now it's about more than loving her. It's about a bond, a bond that she didn't ever see. Mother and child. And I still love her after all these years, still love her even though I'll never see her again. Because you know these things, you know. Mother's intuition.
And I knew, after a while, that she would never come home.
Because there's only so much hope to be had in the world. There's only so many prayers that I can pray, a mantra, every day. Only so many appeals I can make and only so many times I can rip my heart open. And that's really why I stopped looking for her. It doesn't do any good because she's gone.
That's why I stopped going into her room.
Because it hurts. Desk at the window, computer facing away from it, bed still folded down, smoothed down, the bedspread quilted, pillow fluffed up, Teddy still beside it. Teddy's faded, now, and a lot of his stuffing is not quite as fluffy as it used to be. And I look at it and think that she'll be angry, that she loved Teddy and she's had him forever. She'll be angry when she comes home.
But she's not coming home.
i've been searching/for that missing person
And sometimes I hold my breath too long and the world all stands still, and sometimes I think that I can't hold my breath anymore waiting for her. Don't hold your breath because she's not coming back. And I know it in my heart and my mind and I want to see her one last time.
i don't understand if you really care/i'm only here in negative
I feel like I never told her that I loved her, that I didn't try hard enough, because if she really knew that I loved her she wouldn't have left, and that if I had tried harder that I could have stopped her. I know she left. She wasn't kidnapped. And all the police asked me how I knew but I can't tell them, because it's just a mother thing, you know. And I am her mother. And I hope I still am, now, no matter where she is. I want her to remember me.
I want her to know that I loved her.
mother the car is here/somebody leave the light on
Because I think that she didn't know.
Do you know how it feels to lose a part of yourself, a small portion of your soul that you've given to someone else? I don't know if she loved me and I don't know if she ever knew that I cared about her. Maybe she'll find what she left for. I only hope that she will before the world falls into pieces around me.
Because I'm her mother.
And no mother should have to lose their child.