Chapter One
Blackadder & Baldrick and Jeeves & Wooster
The two men walked down the sidewalk of a busy London road. One was tall, with gargoyle-like features. He was dressed in an all black butler's uniform and had an evil, sinister sneer stamped on his face. The other was much shorter, dirtier, hairier, and smellier. It would not be difficult to mistake him for a common sewer rat.
The taller, gargoylish man spoke. "Well, doesn't that just beat all, Baldrick? I can't believe he just fired me, just like that? No notice or anything! And for what? I haven't seen a master so mad since the time I accidentally brutally slammed Master Stone's "little friends" in the door!"
"Mr. Blackadder?" the small man said, curiously, "Why is it that when you smashed Master Stone's little friends it was an accident, but when you smash mine it's on purpose?"
"Because, Baldrick," Blackadder replied, "your little friends are called rats and they have no place in a home. You're quite lucky I haven't smashed you in the door!"
"But I wasn't talking about the rats, Mr. B!"
"Ah, Baldrick, yes! You are referring to the time I told you to dress as a burglar, go over to Lady Katherine's house, and steel her jewels."
"I thought you said 'hamburger,'" explained Baldrick.
"Of course you did. You do, after all, have the intellectual capacity of a rotted tree stump. But anyway, the point is he was furious with me! And for what? If I knew he would be so angry, I never would have rogered his fianc‚e!" Blackadder proclaimed.
"No?"
"Well, maybe I would have had him killed first. But now what are we going to do? We have no home, no food, no money, no nothing!"
"Well, I do have this bottle of wine, Mr. B."
"Baldrick, that's not wine. That is in fact your water, isn't it?"
"Well, yes, Mr. B, but it'll keep us filled until we can get some money."
"It will keep you filled, Baldrick. I have no intention of drinking that swill! Now, how to get some fast cash?"
"Mr. B., I have a cunning plan!" proclaimed Baldrick.
Blackadder looked unimpressed at Baldrick and said, "Well, can I say that I'm not too enthusiastic about it? Your last plan was about as clever as drinking your own urine. Well, let's hear it!"
"We could pretend to be pigeons, sir!" Baldrick said excitedly.
"Pigeons?"
"Yes! You see, we dress up like pigeons, and then old men will come and feed us little crumbs of bread. Then, we mush the crumbs into a big loaf of bread and sell it to hungry people all over London!" Baldrick's face lit up with a grin the size of an elephant's undergarments. "Well, what do you think?"
"Brilliant!" said Blackadder sarcastically, "But I think I have a slightly less idiotic idea. I have an old friend who owes me a big favor. But first we'll have to find a new master. Someone who is complete moron. Someone even stupider than you, Baldrick. A total arse-head."
* * * *
"Some people call it self-indulgence," Bertie Wooster sat at his lovely piano playing the melody and singing along, as happy as a schoolgirl who just found out that the prettiest girl in the school has a crush on him. "But they don't understand that it's hard to be too humble when you know that you're so grand!"
Wooster's gentleman's gentleman, Jeeves, stepped into the room holding an envelope and Wooster stopped singing. "I'm very displeased with this song, Jeeves," said Wooster.
"Oh, sir?" replied Jeeves.
"Yes, it just doesn't have pizzazz! And I can't seem to come up with a suitable chorus."
"Most distressing, sir," Jeeves answered.
"You see, I'm trying to write a song about Spode for his birthday to sort of patch things up with Spode and Sir Watkyns, so to speak. So it has to be just perfect."
"I see, sir."
"What is that in your hand, Jeeves?" Wooster questioned.
"It is a telegram from Sir Roderick, sir," Jeeves said, handing the note to him.
"Spode, you say? What on Earth does he want?"
"Oddly enough it is an invitation to his birthday party this weekend at Totleigh Towers," said Jeeves.
"His birthday?"
"Yes sir, it is an annual event celebrated by most people in the civilized world, honoring the day one was given birth."
"I know what a birthday is, Jeeves! I'm not a complete nitwit, you know."
"Yes, sir," said Jeeves apologetically.
"But why would he invite me? He hates me, doesn't he?"
"That is the impression one would gather, sir. Perhaps he is trying to mend relationships in light of his broken relationship with Madeline Bassett."
"Yes, that would make sense, I suppose."
"So, shall I begin packing, sir?"
"No, of course not! I'm not going to Totleigh. After what happened last time, Watkyns will have my head on a stick!"
"I believe sir, that Sir Watkyns has business he is tending to in America. He will not be back for at least another week, sir."
"Still, Jeeves. I think it's best that I steer clear of Totleigh for a while."
"Very good, sir. Shall I send a reply to Sir Roderick?" At that moment someone knocked quite fiercely on the door.
"Who the blazes could that be?" pondered Wooster. As Jeeves opened the door, a strong, angry looking man stormed into the room. Jeeves and Wooster recognized him immediately as Stilton Cheesewright. "Ah, what-ho, Stilton?" called Wooster.
"Don't 'what-ho' me, Bertie! I still hold you responsible for me loosing Lady Florence! You and all your mustache comments. I knew your plan, Wooster!" declared Cheesewright.
"Now see here, Stilton! Why have you come here? Surely not to bark at me because you were an arse-head with Flossy?" Bertie demanded.
"No, Bertie! I came to warn you. I have a new fiancee now. She is the most wonderful, beautiful woman I've ever seen. And we're going to get married."
"Well, congrats and so forth, old Stilton! What's the lucky gal's name?" said Bertie.
"Don't bother with congrats, Bertie! I came here to warn you to stay away from her this weekend at old Spode's birthday gathering," said Cheesewright.
"Well, you needn't worry, Stilton. I have no intention of going to Roderick Spode's birthday party anyhow," explained Bertie, "So, what's the gal's name?"
"The most beautiful name in the world - Lady Elizabeth Finknottle," Cheesewright announced.
"Finknotte?" said Bertie flabbergasted at the fact that he knew that name.
"I believe, sir, that she is the sister of mister Augustus Finknottle," said Jeeves.
"Gussie, you say? The newt fancier? I never knew he had a sister. Don't suppose she fancies newts as well, Jeeves," said Bertie.
"No, sir. I believe that she takes a liking to...rats, sir," Jeeves replied.
"Rats?" Bertie said with disgust clearly in his voice.
"And what's so wrong with rats, Bertie?" Cheesewright demanded angrily.
"Well, nothing I suppose," said Bertie, narrowly escaping an attack.
"You had better watch it, Wooster! If I catch you anywhere near my fiancŽe this time, I will break your spine in seven places!" yelled Cheesewright.
"Oh, now we're up to seven are we?" said Bertie, "Well, as I said, you needn't worry because I won't be anywhere near Totleigh Towers this weekend."
"You'd better not be!" the angry man said as he exited the apartment.
"Of all the nerve, Jeeves! What next?" Bertie said, just before the telephone rang. Jeeves picked it up.
"Yes...," he said, "Let me check, madam." Cupping his hands over the phone's earpiece, he said, "It is Mrs. Greigson, sir."
"Aunt Agatha? I haven't the strength, Jeeves."
"Shall I tell her you're not in, sir?"
"No, no, Jeeves! She'll know you're covering for me. Let me have it," Bertie said, taking the phone from Jeeves. "What-ho, Aunt Agatha?" Bertie called into the phone.
"Hello, Bertie. I need you to come to Totleigh Towers this weekend for Sir Roderick's birthday celebration," Aunt Agatha stated.
"My dear Aunt Agatha, are you forgetting what happened at Spode and Madeline Bassett's wedding? Surely they wouldn't want to..."
Aunt Agatha interrupted, "We will discuss it when you get here, Bertie."
"Discuss what?"
"I cannot tell you now. Just come and see me after breakfast on Saturday."
"But Aunt Agatha, really...," Bertie pleaded, but it was too late. She had hung up the phone. "She hung up, Jeeves. Of all the nerve!"
"Yes, sir. This series of requests for your presence at Totleigh Towers does seem rather odd. I imagine it may have something to do with the engagement of Miss Madeline Bassett."
"Engaged? Madeline? Who's the unlucky blighter this time?" Bertie asked.
"It is a gentleman by the name of Kevin Darling," said Jeeves.
"Darling? The name doesn't ring a bell, Jeeves."
"His family is from France, sir. But he's spent most of his life as an assistant to the French ambassador. Lately, he's been considering a career in British politics."
"Just what we need, another Frenchman mucking up the British government!"
"Indeed, sir. I believe that may be why your presence has been requested at Totleigh."
"How do you mean, Jeeves?"
"Well, if something were to happen at Totleigh like what happened last time, it might be enough to discourage Mr. Darling from marrying into the family and may even prompt him to move back to France."
"So, you're saying that they want to use me to drive away this Darling fellow?"
"That is just my hunch, sir."
"Well, of all the bloody nerve!"
"Indeed, sir. It is an unfortunate situation when one's presence is requested only for the purpose of driving others away. Shall I begin packing, sir?" asked Jeeves.
"Yes, I suppose so," Bertie conceded.
Blackadder & Baldrick and Jeeves & Wooster
The two men walked down the sidewalk of a busy London road. One was tall, with gargoyle-like features. He was dressed in an all black butler's uniform and had an evil, sinister sneer stamped on his face. The other was much shorter, dirtier, hairier, and smellier. It would not be difficult to mistake him for a common sewer rat.
The taller, gargoylish man spoke. "Well, doesn't that just beat all, Baldrick? I can't believe he just fired me, just like that? No notice or anything! And for what? I haven't seen a master so mad since the time I accidentally brutally slammed Master Stone's "little friends" in the door!"
"Mr. Blackadder?" the small man said, curiously, "Why is it that when you smashed Master Stone's little friends it was an accident, but when you smash mine it's on purpose?"
"Because, Baldrick," Blackadder replied, "your little friends are called rats and they have no place in a home. You're quite lucky I haven't smashed you in the door!"
"But I wasn't talking about the rats, Mr. B!"
"Ah, Baldrick, yes! You are referring to the time I told you to dress as a burglar, go over to Lady Katherine's house, and steel her jewels."
"I thought you said 'hamburger,'" explained Baldrick.
"Of course you did. You do, after all, have the intellectual capacity of a rotted tree stump. But anyway, the point is he was furious with me! And for what? If I knew he would be so angry, I never would have rogered his fianc‚e!" Blackadder proclaimed.
"No?"
"Well, maybe I would have had him killed first. But now what are we going to do? We have no home, no food, no money, no nothing!"
"Well, I do have this bottle of wine, Mr. B."
"Baldrick, that's not wine. That is in fact your water, isn't it?"
"Well, yes, Mr. B, but it'll keep us filled until we can get some money."
"It will keep you filled, Baldrick. I have no intention of drinking that swill! Now, how to get some fast cash?"
"Mr. B., I have a cunning plan!" proclaimed Baldrick.
Blackadder looked unimpressed at Baldrick and said, "Well, can I say that I'm not too enthusiastic about it? Your last plan was about as clever as drinking your own urine. Well, let's hear it!"
"We could pretend to be pigeons, sir!" Baldrick said excitedly.
"Pigeons?"
"Yes! You see, we dress up like pigeons, and then old men will come and feed us little crumbs of bread. Then, we mush the crumbs into a big loaf of bread and sell it to hungry people all over London!" Baldrick's face lit up with a grin the size of an elephant's undergarments. "Well, what do you think?"
"Brilliant!" said Blackadder sarcastically, "But I think I have a slightly less idiotic idea. I have an old friend who owes me a big favor. But first we'll have to find a new master. Someone who is complete moron. Someone even stupider than you, Baldrick. A total arse-head."
* * * *
"Some people call it self-indulgence," Bertie Wooster sat at his lovely piano playing the melody and singing along, as happy as a schoolgirl who just found out that the prettiest girl in the school has a crush on him. "But they don't understand that it's hard to be too humble when you know that you're so grand!"
Wooster's gentleman's gentleman, Jeeves, stepped into the room holding an envelope and Wooster stopped singing. "I'm very displeased with this song, Jeeves," said Wooster.
"Oh, sir?" replied Jeeves.
"Yes, it just doesn't have pizzazz! And I can't seem to come up with a suitable chorus."
"Most distressing, sir," Jeeves answered.
"You see, I'm trying to write a song about Spode for his birthday to sort of patch things up with Spode and Sir Watkyns, so to speak. So it has to be just perfect."
"I see, sir."
"What is that in your hand, Jeeves?" Wooster questioned.
"It is a telegram from Sir Roderick, sir," Jeeves said, handing the note to him.
"Spode, you say? What on Earth does he want?"
"Oddly enough it is an invitation to his birthday party this weekend at Totleigh Towers," said Jeeves.
"His birthday?"
"Yes sir, it is an annual event celebrated by most people in the civilized world, honoring the day one was given birth."
"I know what a birthday is, Jeeves! I'm not a complete nitwit, you know."
"Yes, sir," said Jeeves apologetically.
"But why would he invite me? He hates me, doesn't he?"
"That is the impression one would gather, sir. Perhaps he is trying to mend relationships in light of his broken relationship with Madeline Bassett."
"Yes, that would make sense, I suppose."
"So, shall I begin packing, sir?"
"No, of course not! I'm not going to Totleigh. After what happened last time, Watkyns will have my head on a stick!"
"I believe sir, that Sir Watkyns has business he is tending to in America. He will not be back for at least another week, sir."
"Still, Jeeves. I think it's best that I steer clear of Totleigh for a while."
"Very good, sir. Shall I send a reply to Sir Roderick?" At that moment someone knocked quite fiercely on the door.
"Who the blazes could that be?" pondered Wooster. As Jeeves opened the door, a strong, angry looking man stormed into the room. Jeeves and Wooster recognized him immediately as Stilton Cheesewright. "Ah, what-ho, Stilton?" called Wooster.
"Don't 'what-ho' me, Bertie! I still hold you responsible for me loosing Lady Florence! You and all your mustache comments. I knew your plan, Wooster!" declared Cheesewright.
"Now see here, Stilton! Why have you come here? Surely not to bark at me because you were an arse-head with Flossy?" Bertie demanded.
"No, Bertie! I came to warn you. I have a new fiancee now. She is the most wonderful, beautiful woman I've ever seen. And we're going to get married."
"Well, congrats and so forth, old Stilton! What's the lucky gal's name?" said Bertie.
"Don't bother with congrats, Bertie! I came here to warn you to stay away from her this weekend at old Spode's birthday gathering," said Cheesewright.
"Well, you needn't worry, Stilton. I have no intention of going to Roderick Spode's birthday party anyhow," explained Bertie, "So, what's the gal's name?"
"The most beautiful name in the world - Lady Elizabeth Finknottle," Cheesewright announced.
"Finknotte?" said Bertie flabbergasted at the fact that he knew that name.
"I believe, sir, that she is the sister of mister Augustus Finknottle," said Jeeves.
"Gussie, you say? The newt fancier? I never knew he had a sister. Don't suppose she fancies newts as well, Jeeves," said Bertie.
"No, sir. I believe that she takes a liking to...rats, sir," Jeeves replied.
"Rats?" Bertie said with disgust clearly in his voice.
"And what's so wrong with rats, Bertie?" Cheesewright demanded angrily.
"Well, nothing I suppose," said Bertie, narrowly escaping an attack.
"You had better watch it, Wooster! If I catch you anywhere near my fiancŽe this time, I will break your spine in seven places!" yelled Cheesewright.
"Oh, now we're up to seven are we?" said Bertie, "Well, as I said, you needn't worry because I won't be anywhere near Totleigh Towers this weekend."
"You'd better not be!" the angry man said as he exited the apartment.
"Of all the nerve, Jeeves! What next?" Bertie said, just before the telephone rang. Jeeves picked it up.
"Yes...," he said, "Let me check, madam." Cupping his hands over the phone's earpiece, he said, "It is Mrs. Greigson, sir."
"Aunt Agatha? I haven't the strength, Jeeves."
"Shall I tell her you're not in, sir?"
"No, no, Jeeves! She'll know you're covering for me. Let me have it," Bertie said, taking the phone from Jeeves. "What-ho, Aunt Agatha?" Bertie called into the phone.
"Hello, Bertie. I need you to come to Totleigh Towers this weekend for Sir Roderick's birthday celebration," Aunt Agatha stated.
"My dear Aunt Agatha, are you forgetting what happened at Spode and Madeline Bassett's wedding? Surely they wouldn't want to..."
Aunt Agatha interrupted, "We will discuss it when you get here, Bertie."
"Discuss what?"
"I cannot tell you now. Just come and see me after breakfast on Saturday."
"But Aunt Agatha, really...," Bertie pleaded, but it was too late. She had hung up the phone. "She hung up, Jeeves. Of all the nerve!"
"Yes, sir. This series of requests for your presence at Totleigh Towers does seem rather odd. I imagine it may have something to do with the engagement of Miss Madeline Bassett."
"Engaged? Madeline? Who's the unlucky blighter this time?" Bertie asked.
"It is a gentleman by the name of Kevin Darling," said Jeeves.
"Darling? The name doesn't ring a bell, Jeeves."
"His family is from France, sir. But he's spent most of his life as an assistant to the French ambassador. Lately, he's been considering a career in British politics."
"Just what we need, another Frenchman mucking up the British government!"
"Indeed, sir. I believe that may be why your presence has been requested at Totleigh."
"How do you mean, Jeeves?"
"Well, if something were to happen at Totleigh like what happened last time, it might be enough to discourage Mr. Darling from marrying into the family and may even prompt him to move back to France."
"So, you're saying that they want to use me to drive away this Darling fellow?"
"That is just my hunch, sir."
"Well, of all the bloody nerve!"
"Indeed, sir. It is an unfortunate situation when one's presence is requested only for the purpose of driving others away. Shall I begin packing, sir?" asked Jeeves.
"Yes, I suppose so," Bertie conceded.